Illuminating Youth: We are Invincible @miniimemoir-blog - Tumblr Blog

Accomplished

Okay, take a deep breath. Stop shaking, fingers, I do not smell fear. It’s going to be okay. No, not just okay, it’s gonna be amazing. Perfect. I’ve got the music right here. Okay Sonatina in C, be good to me. Okay, not bad… don’t forget the mezzo forte in this section. Oh god, the rolls – phew, executed well. Hmm second section, I can do this. Don’t mess up. Wait I should be focusing, okay, back to the music. Build sound – up then softer, here comes the run – remember like a ‘smooth river’. And grand finale – done! Wow, did I actually just perform that with no mistakes? I don’t believe it, mom and dad look like the proudest parents right now, and Mrs. Rektor, she’s grinning from ear to ear! The adjudicators look impressed – does this mean I have a chance at the gold? Everything I’ve been working for the past four months with this song, and it’s finally showing! If victory had a taste I’m sure this would be it. Oh, should I bow? Or curtsey since I’m a girl… oh god that was an awkward combination of the both. Oh well, I performed well, that’s why I’m here. Let’s see… gold? gold? Really?! Oh wowowowowow. My fifth gold ever. Damn, I can’t wait until the next competition!

#Memory 6

VIDEO: Accomplished

note: This was performed three years before I filmed it, there are obvious flaws in this recording

MUSIC: Accomplished

Accomplished: Reflection

This was the first time I actually felt very proud of myself. As a modest child I often was on the shy side, completely terrified of competition and lacking self esteem. I still remember dreading those music festivals. Not because I thought I would be horrible, but because I knew I was being judged. Being judged: my biggest fear. This was different because I gave it all I got, and achieved what I had worked for. This memory is so strong because it taught me to not fear judgement so much. Of course there are many kinds of ‘judgement’. That feeling of making people close to you proud – that was what stuck with me. The look of my parents proud faces, and especially my piano teachers joy, because this was all thanks to her. Her patience and perseverance with me. But above all I actually believed in myself that day and decided to show the judges that I wasn’t just another scared contestant. That was the first step towards regaining my self esteem.

This Moment is for Me

It was her last night in Disneyland. It had been three days full of magical wonder and this was the ending moment. Thousands of people gathered outside the Princess castle for the daily night fireworks. She held the hands of her two sisters tightly as she pushed through the crowd. Tonight, she was determined to watch the fireworks from the perfect spot. The feel of hot sticky bodies passing her by made her shiver, yet she kept pushing through. The warm July night was filled with the smells of roast turkey, cotton candy, popcorn, and other deep fried goodies. There was no end to the crying of small children and the shouting of people trying to find lost ones. The younger ones began to complain that their feet ached and they were hungry, so she bought them each a churro and sat them down on a bench where she could keep an eye on them. Once they were comfortable she plowed through the colossal crowd and stop in the middle, looking up. Perfect. She was quite short compared to the rest of the visitors but from here, she had a stunning view of the clear night sky. She looked back to make sure her sisters were still safe. Then she patiently waited until the first sparks flew up. Suddenly, the crowd hushed and huge explosions of gold fairy dust appeared bright in the night sky. The crowd let out a sigh in awe and people screaming “it’s starting, it’s starting! Get over here, where are you?!” She was fairly annoyed by the crowd so she simply blocked them out of her mind. Out of nowhere tinker bell came out in the sky and Disney music started to play. The music was soft and magical, delightfully nostalgic for a 16 year olds first time at Disneyland. She had never been before, because her sisters had been too young. But at this moment, she decided she could feel like a young kid once again. As the fireworks started up, she marvelled at the kaleidoscope of colours, and how the fireworks went off in time to the music. Every sparkle was appreciated and as she was mesmerized by the show, nothing but good feelings came to her. In that short ten minutes of wonder, for the first time in her life, she felt infinite.

#Memory 5

PHOTO: This moment is for Me

PHOTO: This moment is for me

POSTCARD: This moment is for me

Young Innocence

“Varsha, you need to settle down”. Oh but I can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t. You see miss, today my little sister is coming home from the hospital with my momma. I wonder what she’s going to look like! I can’t wait to play with her and take her out on walks... she’s going to be so much fun! “Okay class, you’re dismissed... Varsha, your brother will pick you up so sit tight”. Where is he though? Oh surely he is as excited as I am. Imagine, TWO sisters! Anjali is already two though, all she does is cry and whine. But I get another baby sister today... I wonder what her eyes will look like. Will they be wide and brown? What if momma brought home the wrong baby! That would be bad. We would be able to tell though. I bet she looks like me already! Maybe she can play dolls with me. Where is Dij? He’s taking too long. I’m old enough to walk home by myself... I bet the teacher wouldn’t even notice if I just crept out... phew, I’m out! “Varsha, why are you running? Wait up!” I can’t right now Tasha, silly, my sister was just born and I’ve got to run home! I’m running and running and oh, the sharp gravel is tossing around like popcorn in my shoes. No time to stop though. I hope she doesn’t smell gross like most babies do – if she does I’ll have to dump some baby powder on her. Maybe she’ll like the taste of ice cream! She must be excited to try all the scrumptious creamy desserts out here in the world. Can’t... breathe... need to take a break.... okay. In and out. Maybe I’ll just walk really fast because I can’t possibly run anymore. I’m out of breath but why can’t I stop smiling? I already have one sister but another one is like... getting sprinkles ON TOP of your ice cream!

#Memory 4

PHOTO: Young Innocence

Young Innocence: Reflection

Naive I was yes, not to mention what a rude awakening it was to discover that really all infants do is sleep, poo, cry, and drink milk. But rarely in my life have I felt so eager for something. Naturally when we’re young the excitement of everything is intensified compared to the average adult’s reaction. It seems silly, my actions – but looking back I wouldn’t change a thing. I loved her before I even knew her – I suppose I loved the idea of her. It’s funny how much easier it is to love the idea of someone. Our ideas of people usually exclude all of their flaws and downfalls. But eight years later and I still love her, although she isn’t quite as tiny anymore. I may not be running home from school every day to see her, but I still do look forward to seeing her smile. I think that’s what family is about.

A Taste of the Real World

A night of full darkness

But I can’t cope.

Even with all the lights on

There is no hope.

For when I close my eyes

Intending to dream,

I’m quickly up and alert

Halfway through a scream

Oh, why did I watch that film?

Now I’m completely terrified

Too scared to look under the bed

In fear of meeting with some strange eyes

The adults blame my imagination

But they are wrong

They think these are make belief creatures

They think I am strong

But they do not know what’s lurking in my head

Every time they say ‘go back to bed’

I toss and turn

Holding tight to my bear toy

He can protect me

When the monsters get coy

The sound of fingernails

Running down a chalkboard

And the taste of fear

As the rain outside pours

How long will this last?

All night, all week?

Will I never be able

To get back to sleep?

#Memory 3

PHOTO: a taste of the real world

A taste of the real World: Reflection

This was the first time I really felt complete, terrifying fear. I knew this feeling would come eventually but at the age of seven it was Horrifying. When we are little our parents are our heroes, and nothing bad could ever befall us. But in this moment my parents did not know what was best for me, I realized. I was terrified of course, of the monsters inside my head. No one else could feel this fear but me, what I realize now is that this is very much the case in everyone. Our fear is relative. This night has stuck with me all these years to remind me that I must deal with my own fears. I am the only one standing in my way.

New Realities

“Oh yes, I remember when you first discovered Harry Potter... oh, how you were enticed. Completely drawn in. For an eight year old girl you sure had quite the imagination. You loved almost every book we put in your hands... and remember how you would beg and beg for us to take you to the library every weekend because you had finished ALL of the books you borrowed? Well when you picked up the first Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone, you couldn’t part with it. Not that you usually parted with half the books you read, but this time it was different. That afternoon I called you to practice piano and you didn’t even respond. When I came up you were sprawled out on your floor, nose buried in the book, glasses drooping. I had to drag you to dinner that night, and you had a blank, starry look in your eyes as if you weren’t really there with us at the table. You were waving your hand around mumbling what I assumed were “spells”. Later on, when I finally pried you away from the book and got you tucked into bed, you told me you were part of a magical land. It was wonderful because you could smell the magic on the pages, and taste the fear of the characters. It was so cute; the way your little eyes brightened when you talked about Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and the way your speech became faster with every recounted detail that had happened so far."

#Memory 2

CREST: new realities - taken from google

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