thee wrist kissâą causing this much of a mass psych ward escapee situation amongst every aspect of viewers (korean, international, probably some aliens in space), is proof that the girls just yearn for subtle, timeless displays of affection that kdramas romances used to deliver consistently but have reduced in recent years. yes, a kiss scene and a bed scene are fun whatever but a WRIST KISS? a hand wrapped around the back of your head in a hug? that is what gets us to lose our collective shit. that is the undoing of us all.
thee wrist kissâą causing this much of a mass psych ward escapee situation amongst every aspect of viewers (korean, international, probably some aliens in space), is proof that the girls just yearn for subtle, timeless displays of affection that kdramas romances used to deliver consistently but have reduced in recent years. yes, a kiss scene and a bed scene are fun whatever but a WRIST KISS? a hand wrapped around the back of your head in a hug? that is what gets us to lose our collective shit. that is the undoing of us all.
the black moon lilith or true lilith is not a physical body in the sky but an abstract, geometrical point, like the ascendent or vertex. the true lilith spends approximately 10 days in one sign, taking around 120 or so days to fully travel around the earth. astrologically, the true lilith symbolises the parts of us that are hard to let go of and change; the things about our being that feel difficult to face and continually challenge us in our lives.
in love, the true lilith extends beyond the personal moon-venus energies into more subtle yet intensely essential dimensions of our lives â our sexual relationships. this energy may be akin to plutonic or martian energy whereby our innermost insecurities are intensified through the partners we choose, and the experiences we go through thereafter. the sign and house of our true lilith identifies the parts of us that are suppressed, misunderstood, and thus subconsciously rejected for the sake of fitting in, but forcefully expressed through our relationships for the sake of healing our traumas and bad habits. much of this lilith energy is karmic â whatever you choose to ignore, will follow anyway. this is the beauty of the karmic cycle! there is a strong set of lessons to be learned with the true lilith. the end result in healing our true lilith is purer self-expression.
it must be noted that the true lilith is especially potent along the cusps (houses 1, 4, 7, and 10) because of the karmic significance of these houses.
this introduction is copied from an ask submitted some time ago; if you're interested, you may read it here:
ask: what's the difference between lilith and true lilith (h13)?
true lilith in aries or the first house â
with the true lilith being in aries or in the first house, there may be significant issues revolving around the personal identity or sense of self. for one, these natives may have experienced a continuous rejection of who they are growing up, possibly having to fit some ideal archetype formed by others, thus losing their sense of individuality and, consequently, feeling as though they will never belong with any group of people. whilst there is a deep desire to be themselves, these people seem to continually try and fit in and be "normal" amongst others. this placement is a highly personal one because this placement, if very negatively aspected, can be hugely indicative of a feeling of never belonging anywhere, thus feeling uncomfortable in their own skin, purpose, etc...
in some manifestations, this placement could be indicative of obsessively striving for autonomy, leading to problems in partnerships. through tasting personal freedom and truth, there may come a bratty behaviour towards anything that seems to tie these natives down. whilst yes, their lesson will largely revolve around standing up for themselves and claiming their individuality amongst others, they must do this in a way that is responsible and fair. in its general expression, this placement is sexually devious, using its sex appeal to bend the perception of others. this can be unfair and exploitative, but can be a very reflective symptom of deep insecurity and a rejection of the self from within. in saying that, their desperate attempt to swallow others' personality explains the void they have within their own bodies; the lack of self-assurance they have from inside them that prompts them to get so involved with others to the point they become someone else to try and make up for their own lack of self.
the overarching lesson with true lilith in aries or the first house will be in claiming their autonomy and turning their being into something more powerful and authoritative, rather than trying to capture someone with these traits, and thus manipulating them as if they were them. these natives must claim and transform their sense of identity into something they can confidently confide in, rather than trying to desperately fit in with others. through using their intuition, these natives will further align themselves with the values, standards, boundaries, beliefs, and etc., they must live by to live their most genuine selves. relationships will heal and fix themselves once these natives recognise the power in their own identities â who they truly are, and what they want out of life; they must stop endlessly searching for the things that exist within them already.
true lilith in taurus or the second house â
with the true lilith being in taurus or in the second house, there may be significant issues revolving around personal values, money, and possessions. firstly, with the second house associating itself around personal values and self-worth, a jeopardised lilith in the second house can suggest the tendency to undermine the self because of how others treat them. betrayal or rejection from others may subconsciously cause them to betray or reject themselves (they don't accept me, so why should I accept myself?). the issue lies in relying on the validation and acceptance of others to the point they bend over backwards in assisting others, yet denying any sort of assistance for themselves. these natives may naturally assign value to things other people assign value to, rather than following what they feel is important/valuable in their own lives. thus, a myriad of issues follow: rejecting the health, beauty, and natural self-expression of the self. by rejecting their value system, they continue engaging in destructive behaviours that further compromise their mental, emotional, physical, and even sexual health.
wanting to achieve a certain form of stability, security, and consistency in the self may cause the hearts of these natives to ache as they are caught in limbo between following their own path and the path others have established for them. their lack of personal values can inevitably destroy their relationship with money and their possessions, thus tending to the validation of others to guarantee their own security and stability. this can be through a misuse of sex in many cases. nonetheless, the internalised shame or fear comes from enabling their own strength in following their desired values, goals, and ultimate desires out of life; they fear being self-sufficient because of what it means to change their habits, ways of thinking, and so on. in many cases, this placement is indicative of enduring sufferance rather than changing what it means to suffer. thus their lack of self-esteem and shame in their insecurities are masked by their sex appeal and seemingly charming personality. it may be the case that these natives enter relationships for the security love may give them; they may have no real desire for love, but be mesmerised by the safety of the money, possessions, and love their partners have for them. also, they may be the type to date or marry according to their tradition of culture, even though they feel very unhappy about doing so. thus, in relationships they may find themselves yearning for more genuine love, but feeling powerless all the same, because they feel stuck in their ability to change their circumstances.
the overarching lesson with the true lilith in taurus or in the second house will be in claiming their own set of personal values and following their own path rather than the one established for them. furthermore, they must recognise the real potential in their beauty, sexuality, and physicality. they must use the strength of their beauty to their advantage, though in a way that is responsible and not exploitative of other people's possessions, money, security, and whatnot. lastly, they must recognise just how much they truly need to rely on themselves, as they are all they truly have at the end of the day.
true lilith in gemini or the third house â
with the true lilith in gemini or in the third house, there may be significant issues revolving around communication and the mental capacity for information. firstly, the issue of communication comes up thoroughly when the 3h is concerned in a reading. with lilith in gemini or in the house of communication and information, there may be a total misuse of speech and thinking. there may be a tendency to gossip, lie, or mislead others in order to seem more superior than others. the power of their tongue is used to spread misinformation and to hurt people rather than using it for the benefit of the self and others. much of this behaviour stems from a deeper rooted insecurity from within; the fear of being perceived as somebody stupid or quiet. if in the case these natives are not gossipy at all, they may feel as though they are social outcasts. secondly, they may feel as though the world is too big and confusing for them; they may feel as though the world at large is crueler than what it really is. thus, they may have a misconstrued perception of how the world functions and how others engage with one another. whilst the desire to learn is there, they feel shameful in their intelligence or mental capacity for whatever reason.
many a times the emotional self is rationalised through this placement because of its leniency on realism or logic. their intuition may be rejected in fear of it being nothing significant; likewise, they may reject their impulses thinking they are insignificant also. the idea of being bound to a certain thought, idea, value, or belief system is common with this placement because of the innate rejection towards discovering new information. so, there may be a total rejection of new ways of doing things because of the instability it may cause. lastly, there may be a myriad of experiences wherein the social self was overlooked or rejected in some way, primarily by friends and siblings, where the native felt unwelcome, stupid, and insecure in their ability to make and maintain friends. this may cause them to not talk or converse their feelings in relationships; they may go completely mute upon being asked for their opinions or feelings on a matter. this lack of communication is what breaks down the security in their relationships, for they feel overly stupid to say anything, or they don't feel compelled in communicating their honest thoughts and feelings. despite wanting to feel connected to somebody, they still reject the things they need to change for something new to happen. they may attract partners who don't communicate with them just for the sake of prompting these natives to bite the bullet and communicate, just to feel ignored and stop communicating thereafter. it's a vicious cycle that never seems to end.
the overarching lesson with lilith in gemini or in the third house will be in claiming their mental autonomy and using it to search for the answers they wish to search for. in using the power of their tongue responsibly, they may find the friends they subconsciously yearn for; the closeness of "family and siblings" they have always desires, and all the various wonderful things they want to learn from their relationships with others. by rejecting that the mental or intellectual self is a fixed state, they may further realise the real extent of their intellectual capabilities and actually use the strength of their mental mind in achieving great heights of intellectual power and knowledge AND mental understanding and reciprocation from others.
true lilith in cancer or the fourth house â
with the true lilith in cancer or in the fourth house, there may be significant issues revolving the home, the intuition, and the emotional self. family may have played a significant role in the development of these natives' lives. in some instances, it may have been a case where significant trauma or abuse was suffered in the home, with these natives experiencing some level of neglect or rejection from family. in others, it could have been the case where there was a lot of hatred, dislike, and overall resentment within the family. in many negative aspects, lilith in the fourth house is descriptive of a mother being full of resentment or negative feelings. she may have been an explosive character that disliked a certain member of the family. whilst this does not have to be the mother â it could be anyone! â it oftentimes is. in any case, these natives may have grown up shy and fearful of expressing themselves within the home. they may have been forced to fit some archetype within the home and, in the case where these natives did try to express their real selves, they may have been punished for it. what's more, the feelings of shame and internalised rage will come from experiencing so much turmoil from the home these natives lose sense of family until they are forced to eject themselves from the home and learn what it means to create their own family.
the common experience with this placement is needing to leave the home in order to maintain personal individuality and wholeness. in general, the experience with this placement will be in experiencing power struggles where, although other members of the family are experiencing a troubling dynamic, the child is accordingly affected through having their perception of family skewed. thus there may be a final rejection of family and children altogether; men, too, perhaps, and in the case where men have this placement, they may be very hesitant towards women or maternal energies. they may be cold towards their partners due to shame or fear of feeling vulnerable. they may feel compelled to date or marry for security and with no feelings involved whatsoever, and still secretly hope for real love from deep within. this placement yearns to be cared for and loved, but seems to attract people who use and abuse their feelings. to remedy this, these natives may have to establish stronger values and boundaries to live and abide by. they must build security from within rather than relying on others to give this to them.
the overarching lesson with lilith in cancer or in the fourth house will be in recognising the strength of their emotional and intuitive self. there is great capacity for becoming a powerful parent or becoming a protector of children and woman with this placement, and thus these natives may feel compelled to heal through their own children or establishing their own family. nonetheless, through trusting their own intuition and establishing their own emotional networks with others, they may find the emotional and physical wholeness and success they earnestly look for. by quitting the tendency in suppressing their emotional selves, they realise the real potency of their emotional and spiritual bodies and how their genuine self-expression can be truly healing, particularly in relationships, where they may feel the most emotionally awkward.
true lilith in leo or the fifth house â
with the true lilith in leo or in the fifth house, there may be significant issues revolving around the self-esteem, self-expression, and sense of play and joy. this can be a hugely depressing placement because of its association with children; more specifically, these natives may have been ridiculed or rejected for expressing their real personalities, thus becoming very shy and reclusive in childhood. naturally, they may have been the loner type but, unfortunately, in some instances, the great deal of shame put on who they are may have forced them to shift towards expressing themselves the way others may have wanted them to express themselves. sometimes this placement can be indicative of a stolen youth wherein the child's sense of play was rejected or the child was abused and traumatised in some form, especially by a parent. this "stolen childhood" is what haunts these natives because they lose their sense of whimsy and creativity later in life, believing they are worth what others assign them as, rather than who they believe themselves to be. thus the tendency to avoid what's fun or playful may stem from the feeling of guilt and shame in expressing who they really are. having a low self-esteem, inner resilience and worth, are all common with this placement.
in relationships, these natives may subconsciously choose partners that validate their need for love and attention. as their own self love is nonexistent, these natives may demand others to go above and beyond in proving their feelings and love to these people. deep inside, these natives want to be loved and admired, but they do it in the wrong way. they must have stronger values and boundaries, and to dignify themselves by instilling a stronger confidence from within. they cannot compensate their own lack of a self-esteem with the validation of others. if they do that, they will never live the truly happy and authentic lives they want to live. life will feel like a game wherein they must pretend to be something they are not, thus feeling like an imposter, instead of naturally flowing through it as the main character. thus, many of their relationships will end in these partners realising these natives are simply not worth pursuing because of their neediness and codependency.
the overarching lesson with lilith in leo or in the fifth house will be in claiming their sense of play and embracing their childlike qualities to heal and move forward in their lives. they may look forward to being more creative with their hobbies and activities to pour their inmost feelings into rather than swallowing somebody to feel validated from within. they may be interested in music or writing because of how they can articulate their feelings; painting, maybe, for all the colours that can communicate their feelings. drama, perhaps, for how these natives may express their inmost emotions. in any case, these natives must realise the real potency in their leadership qualities and their sense of worth. through working on their self-esteem, they will naturally re-discover who they really are and how they can express themselves accordingly, allowing themselves to live the creative and romantic lives they truly desire to live with themselves and their partners.
true lilith in virgo or the sixth house â
with the true lilith being in virgo or in the sixth house, there may be significant issues revolving around these native's sense of responsibility, duty, sexuality, and individuality. for one, there may be a total rejection of the sexual self in order to maintain the personal individuality. there may be feeling of sexual rejection by others where, in some cases, these natives may lack the sexual confidence they require from within because of their low self-esteem and previous experiences. they may see sex and relationships as a critical thing rather than something to enjoy; unfortunately, this obsession with perfection and cleanliness can cause these natives to not only mislead others into thinking they are "cleaner" and "purer" than what they really are, but to also treat themselves as unworthy unless they can follow a certain order or way of living. their sense of shame will revolve around never feeling good enough no matter how hard they work, where they work, how good they look, and how attuned they are to others' needs. on a lesser note: these natives may be very insecure about their status in society.
in some instances, this placement can be so self-critical they forget the power in their autonomy. they may critics themselves to the point of subconsciously begin relying on others for validation, but these relationships may also be taken very critically. they may project onto others because they, again, want to seem stronger or more organised than they really are. there's an imbalance between wanting commitment/autonomy and social contact/retreat. because these natives tend to be ashamed of their work ethic, discipline, or sense of routine, as well as their self-esteem, skills, and mental capacity, they may overwhelm themselves and fall into a continual spiral of victimhood wherein nothing is ever good enough, and that they are never working hard enough. they may indirectly project this mindset onto others where they date those who "have it figured out" because it validates their own needs for security and balance, OR they pursue those who have nothing figured out because it makes themselves feel better about their own circumstances. in general however, these natives must assess just how much they bend over backwards for others, how many times they put their own needs aside to serve others, and just how much "life" they lack because of their perception that they must live a certain way for the security it brings. they may justify their lives with working and serving others, which may be very harmful in relationships. they need to have stronger values and principles; they must also fix their relationship with money and material things, and to pursue their intuition and spirituality more often, to live a more fulfilling and mentally/spiritually balanced lifestyle.
the overarching lesson with the true lilith in virgo or in the sixth house will be in finding a balance between their physical and sexual bodies, realising the strength in embracing their emotional and spiritual sides. through allowing themselves to be more vulnerable, these natives will learn the essence of imperfection and just how little it matters to conform to something that has nothing to do with them. they must not justify their lives with work or duty; rather, they must seek to balance all aspects of their lives to live the lives they truly desire. in saying that, it may be a common observation with this placement experiencing a multitude of teachers who change their perception of themselves; if in the case their younger childhood underwent serious drama or chaos, and perhaps some trauma or abuse, these teachers will teach the art of letting go, and embracing more healthy ways of living.
true lilith in libra or the seventh house â
with the true lilith being in libra or in the seventh house, there may be significant issues revolving around personal values and romantic relationships. most notably, the key issue with this placement is the emphasis on others' companionship. these natives struggle being alone for the lack of positive self-esteem and confidence from within; to some extent, these natives lack a solid foundation of values, boundaries, and standards they may relate to when it comes to their individuality and them in relationships. to make up for their lack of ego/personality, they often seek others to embody the confidence, strength, and resilience they innately desire within themselves. they may feel misunderstood or shameful in their relationships because of how much sexual confidence they lack from within. whilst there is tremendous potential for a strong and seductive sex appeal, it may be the case these natives exploit their sexuality and use it in a way that does more harm than good.
in some instances, having the true lilith in libra or in the seventh house can prescribe conflict with women. in its most ideal expression, this placement is a defender of women. it's supportive of laws that curtail abuse or sexual crimes, too. being so justice-oriented, this placement holds inane potential for being highly powerful and extremely well-positioned for dealing with people experiencing difficulty within their personal lives â again, those who are suffering some form of abuse, neglect, and so on. but in relationships, the prominent lesson with this placement seems to be instilling justice in their own lives, where they must fight for their autonomy and right to be individual, rather than relying on others for attention and validation. they need to be crueller with their words, as they tend to hide from harshness of any kind just to appease the notion of peace. they may avoid certain discussions that are too difficult in nature; this must be fixed also. in general, they need to have better values and a stronger self-esteem that prohibits them from being taken advantage of by others. their kindness may be seen as a strength but also a weakness to those who simply don't care. their tendency to overlook bad behaviour will enable bad behaviour to keep happening. their fear of laying down their boundaries is what will restrict them in feeling truly loved and appreciated for their kindness and desire for love.
the overarching lesson with the true lilith in libra or in the seventh house will be in balancing their personal autonomy and their relationships with others. their internalised shame may come from lacking certain values and thus lacking a coherent personality to relate to and express to others but this must be developed into something more solid. as with all air sign or house true liliths, the potential of being bad-mannered, gossipy, and so on, are common here, especially because the power of the tongue may be used to cause ill onto others. nonetheless, in striving towards their own independence and claiming their own sexuality, these natives will guarantee the inner peace they so earnestly crave from others.
true lilith in scorpio or the eighth house â
with the true lilith being in scorpio or in the eighth house, there may be significant issues regarding sexuality, relationships, intimacy, and personal transformation and healing. most commonly, natives with this placement are somehow ashamed or fearful of their sexuality. they may avoid sex or intimacy with others due to an irrational fear of losing themselves in others. the instinct is to protect themselves from what makes them feel vulnerable or powerless. in some instances these natives may be quite dishonest or misleading when it comes to others; they may be hard to read because they intentionally misdirect others to avoid being fully seen and understood by others. it may also be the case these natives view relationships as deranged when it comes to who holds power within the relationship. all of these feelings may have originated from childhood where significant trauma or abuse was experienced, oftentimes sexually or in similar form, though this is not always necessary. there may have been other influences present, such as a certain way of living (religion) or just general inexperience with intimacy. there may have been a possible (near) death experience during childhood, leading to the native adopting a perspective that death is an inevitable part of life.
whilst natives may feel compelled to have deep and meaningful relationships with others, they feel mentally and spiritually restricted. due to seeing their own sexuality or sensuality as taboo, they limit themselves in experiencing wonderful things with others. their relationships may feel very dynamic, possibly up and down, because of how emotionally intense they are. these natives may approach relationships with a need to validate their own sexuality or love. they may fully inject themselves into their relationships, completely losing their individuality, and becoming very obsessive and controlling over others. they may become emotionally intrusive, i.e. become emotionally demanding and intense to others. they may be fiercely protective, but this may do more harm than good. in general, relationships seem to be very transformative for these natives, so long as they treat them as temporary experiences, rather than a vocation. these natives must be careful so as not to drown in what it means to love and transform through love/sex. to some, they may feel misunderstood in expressing their emotional selves. they may completely numb themselves emotionally for the sake of sexual gratification. in that case, they must remedy their emotional instability and try live more according to their intuition and genuine capacity for love.
the overarching lesson with the true lilith in scorpio or in the eighth house will be in releasing their stored traumas, beliefs, and misconceptions and allowing healing to occur from within. they pose tremendous leadership abilities and great psychological regenerative abilities. they may undermine themselves in fear of coming off as overly egotistical or strong; contrarily, these natives should believe more in their intuition and just how strong intimacy, love, sex, and the willingness to learn from experience with others can change their perspectives, beliefs, and overall self-esteem, as well as their opinion on the darker sides of life. whilst the eighth house also deals with money, the alternative interpretation here may be in being insecure over financial and material things; in that case, these natives should work on their courage and learn to harness the power of their authoritative personalities in order to achieve the success they desire.
true lilith in sagittarius or the ninth house â
with the true lilith being in sagittarius or in the ninth house, there may be significant issues revolving around spirituality, personal truth, and purpose. in many instances, these natives may live life based on the guiding principles based on the judgment of others. they may believe making certain beliefs or assumptions is dangerous, thus tending to follow what has been pre-established for them. in some cases, they may have faced some form of religious prejudice or discrimination based on their nationality, race, and so on, during childhood or in their present lives, thus leading them to living life on a very spiritually shallow level. they may be insecure in following their own personal truth based on the opinions others have forced upon them and on their personal experiences. in some way, these natives may keep their personal philosophies secret if they choose to pursue a different spiritual direction to others. their internalised fear comes from feeling purposeless in the world; not feeling as though they have accomplished something good and productive in their lives, and thus feeling as though they have nothing to contribute spiritually to others. they may feel misunderstood by others because they misunderstand their own purpose in the world and what they could be made for. many of the perceptions, opinions, and beliefs they are tied down to are only restricting their personal freedom and movement.
these natives may feel insecure in their relationships due to the instability relationships bring to their sense of freedom. in some instances, these natives may pursue relationships for the sake of experience. they may treat them as something more temporary than something to commit themselves to. they may lose their purpose in relationships. they may find purpose in their relationships by assigning a huge importance to their partners, thus making love a vocational thing, rather than a pursuit of genuine and divine love. this may be especially common in instances where natives marry according to certain beliefs, traditions, or cultures. relationships may be seen as a transactional thing for these natives, but they must drop this notion that relationships are necessary at all, and that they should be followed according to a certain belief or tradition. they must pursue love as an experience of discovering the self. in terms of karmic cycles, they may find themselves repeating cycles revolving around expanding their opinions on love to be more divine and truly loving, rather than something as established in a certain value, tradition, or culture.
the overarching lesson with the true lilith being in sagittarius or in the ninth house will be in establishing and following their own personal truth rather than following what has been established for them. if in the case they feel scared or insecure in moving, i.e. travelling, exploring the world, and learning more about themselves through EXPERIENCE, they must let go of all the conditions they have been taught, and all the restrictive beliefs imposed on them by others. thus, they must follow their own set of values and boundaries that align with their personal truth and overall sense of purpose.
true lilith in capricorn or the tenth house â
with the true lilith being in capricorn or in the tenth house, there may be significant issues revolving around career, personal values, discipline, status, and overall success. first and foremost, these natives may feel unstable in their societal status; they may crave to be something â or somebody â bigger and greater. achievements and status may be important to them, as is material success and stability, so there may be great insecurity regarding these, such as feeling useless without financial, material, and societal success, or wanting to obtain something to feel more secure within themselves. maybe they want a more inclusive purpose where they are involved with society in some way. anyway, their insecurities definitely influence their approach to their relationships as their values become based on their financial and material emphasis. they may feel insecure in their physical and sexual selves because they may put so much emphasis on the material they miss out on how valuable being emotional and sexual with others is. perhaps to some extent a lack of control within themselves is projected through looking for autonomy for themselves but not granting it to others. their internalised shame or fear, conclusively, revolves around what and how much of it they have, their power over others, and their overall purpose in the world.
the overarching lesson with the true lilith in capricorn or in the tenth house will be in balancing the material and emotional aspects of their lives, rather than alienating one because of the lack in the other. in order to feel happy and successful in their career and personal lives, these natives must allow themselves to extend beyond the material and financial meanings to everything. yes, they can put in more work to achieve what they ultimately desire; but they must only do it themselves, for their own sake, rather than for the validation of others, and in a way that is emotionally and spiritually intuitive to them. in saying that, their relationships with only bloom when they realise relationships are not all transactional but do have some emotional and vulnerable elements to them also.
true lilith in aquarius or the eleventh house â
with the true lilith in aquarius or in the eleventh house, significant issues revolving around friendships, community, and the wider society may emerge through these native's lives. these natives may have experienced significant rejection or betrayal within their friend groups, thus resulting in them alienating themselves from their community/wider society. the result is, then, a very insecure approach towards friendships. they may feel shameful or fearful of making friends because of how inexperienced they are with them. along with that, they may feel somewhat odd or unusual amongst their community or friends; they may feel misunderstood for their values, perceptions, opinions, ways of expressing themselves, and so on. so, the issue lies in finding it difficult to make friends, but also in maintaining them and feeling as though they belong in their community of people. thus they may express themselves as very elusive and difficult to read. the scope of rejection and betrayal can vary, such as from feeling odd and different to others during childhood to experiencing difficult situations wherein these natives were betrayed or rejected by their friends later in life. social anxiety or nervousness can be prevalent here, too.
the types of relationships these natives may attract could include a myriad of issues that challenge their ability to commit and communicate with their partners. they may feel unable to fit in because they don't make their opinions and feelings known and heard. much of their shame will revolve around how, no matter the extent they go to fit in with their partners, they still feel odd and unusual. they may feel sexually exempt because of their inability to communicate their genuine feelings and opinions, and because they naturally have a disposition to refuse to commit to things that challenge them to be more vulnerable.
the overarching lesson with the true lilith in aquarius or in the eleventh house will be in claiming their autonomy and what it means to be different. they may have a tendency to act a certain way according to what's normalised in society â but they must learn to embrace their unique or "weird" qualities others overlook or undermine. relationships may be pursued in a way that is nonconventional, but they must be confident in this, rather than suppressing their real romantic and sexual desires for the sake of societal approval. they must follow their own lead rather than that of others. they must also work on their communication skills to allow for clearer and more concise communication and understanding with their partners.
true lilith in pisces or the twelfth house â
with the true lilith in pisces or in the twelfth house, there may be significant issues revolving hemes of abuse and trauma, alienation, loneliness, and spirituality. most typically, natives with this placement have an emotional wounding buried deep within that originates from early childhood or from a particular series of events within their lives. these natives may base their worth on their experiences or past relationships with others and thus feel loveable or unloveable depending on just how wounded they are deep within, and just how much rejection or betrayal they have suffered throughout their lives (they can't love me, so why should I?). through experiencing difficulty, they often embody these difficult emotions as a punishment rather than as a lesson to grow. it's difficult to accept, but so much easier to just go with the flow â this mentality can be very dangerous to these natives! things will pass them by over and over again as they sit in their own victimhood and refuse to grow alongside their experiences.
their internalised fear, shame, or insecurities may come from their past experiences that have altered their perception of themselves and the wider world. perhaps they absorb negativity so potently to the point they barely recognise themselves. they may find it hard to be optimistic. they may also find it difficult to move on or unlock their more loving, creative, and joyous qualities in fear of being neglected, abused, or taken advantage of. this mentality damages the quality of their personal lives but, most importantly, the relationships they have with others. their relationships may have an element of abuse or trauma wherein these natives let themselves be taken advantage of by others; they may naturally bend over backwards to serve others and putting their own needs aside (the typical "I can fix them" mentality). a lack of real identity and values will inadvertently cause others to walk all over them and, in the end, these natives will wallow in their victimhood and wonder where everything went wrong, totally ignoring the fact that they have the power to change their circumstances. if they feel compelled to heal and fix others, they must do this in a way that is balanced. if they lack a balance between endurance and leadership, they will lack the power and authority to instil stronger values and boundaries to protect themselves from harm, but will be willing to endure hardship for the validation it brings these natives. this is a pristine example of just how much these natives may wallow in a victim mentality that feels very difficult to break out of. it is also an example of what will follow them throughout their relationships until they learn to fight for themselves and their own individuality.
the overarching lesson with the true lilith in pisces or in the twelfth house will be in claiming their hurt and trauma and using it in a way that is much more transformative. through healing their pain, they gain a completely new perspective on what it means to suffer and learn, and can thus become advocates for those in similar positions, if this is something they are interested in. nonetheless, their regenerative ability is extremely powerful; they hold a lot of potential within them for deep karmic healing, and oftentimes these natives come into the world with a mission to heal the karma and wounds of themselves and others. this healing, however, must be done in a way that is mutually beneficial; they must not set their own needs aside for the sole improvement of others. generational trauma or childhood trauma may be used as leverage to learn and grow, and thus achieve the real success they innately desire for themselves.
Your 12th House and 29° Placements and What Areas in Your Life That Makes You Feel Invisible or Underappreciated
Note: If itâs empty or inactive, youâll need someoneâs planets in there to make the energy more prominent.
Aries/Mars
You often feel unseen when you try to take initiative or assert yourself, as though every time you gather the courage to move forward, something unexpected intervenes. It can feel like an invisible hand slows you down or reroutes your efforts, leaving you frustrated and wondering why your energy never seems to land where you want it to. Just when youâre ready to take bold action, circumstances shift, opportunities slip through your fingers, plans change, or the timing feels off. Itâs not that you lack passion or effort, itâs that life seems to test your patience, asking you to develop a deeper kind of strength beyond immediate success. These moments can be discouraging, but theyâre quietly shaping your resilience and refining your instinct to act with intention rather than impulse.
As these cycles repeat, youâre guided inward. You begin to reflect more deeply on your motivations, why you act, what drives you, and where your energy truly belongs. This introspection teaches you the difference between acting from pure desire and acting from grounded purpose. You start to recognize that not every delay is a rejection, sometimes itâs divine timing, urging you to pause, plan, and perfect your next move. What once felt like endless waiting starts to reveal its meaning, each setback becomes a quiet step toward mastery. Life is teaching you endurance, patience, and emotional maturity, qualities that ensure your eventual success wonât crumble under pressure.
Over time, you come to understand that your true power isnât in quick victories or loud declarations, but in steady persistence. You learn to trust your process, moving forward even when progress feels invisible. Your fire burns differently, not as a spark that flares up and fades, but as an enduring flame that stays lit through every challenge. The universe isnât ignoring your efforts, itâs aligning them. Youâre not overlooked, youâre being seasoned, tempered, and prepared to rise at the exact moment when your strength, timing, and purpose all meet. When that moment comes, the same forces that once seemed to hold you back will push you forward, and youâll realize you were never truly delayed, only divinely paced.
Taurus/Venus
You often feel invisible in how you love, connect, or express beauty, as if your tenderness moves beneath the surface, sensed but rarely acknowledged. You long for deep emotional connection and the kind of love that feels steady, safe, and enduring. Yet, your affection often goes unnoticed, staying quietly devoted while others seem to overlook the depth of what you offer. Thereâs a quiet poetry in the way you love, patient, loyal, and genuine, but it can leave you feeling unseen when people fail to meet that same level of emotional investment. You may find yourself idealizing relationships, holding onto the potential of what could be rather than what is, hoping that your consistency will one day be enough to be recognized.
You tend to stay attached to familiar feelings, even when they no longer help you grow, because comfort can feel safer than change. Your heart has a soft persistence, it doesnât let go easily, and that endurance can sometimes become both your strength and your ache. You give quietly, love deeply, and expect little in return, yet when your efforts go unnoticed, it can stir a quiet sadness, the kind that makes you wonder if anyone truly sees the care you pour into others.
Over time, though, this energy teaches you something sacred: that love begins within. You start to understand that your worth isnât measured by how others respond, but by how deeply and sincerely you can feel. You learn that your gentleness isnât weakness, itâs grace. And when you begin to give yourself the same patience and devotion you offer others, you stop needing external validation to feel whole. Your invisibility in love transforms into quiet power, a self-assured calm that radiates beauty from within, even when no one else is watching.
Gemini/Mercury
You often feel invisible in how you communicate or express your feelings, as if your voice fades into the background no matter how much you want to be understood. Thereâs a sensitivity to the way you speak and listen, you feel things deeply, and that makes you careful with your words. You might hold back your true thoughts out of fear that theyâll be misunderstood, rejected, or brushed aside. Over time, this creates a quiet distance between you and others. You long to be heard and truly seen for the depth of what you feel, but youâve learned through experience that not everyone knows how to listen on that level. Silence becomes a form of protection, a way to keep your inner world safe from misinterpretation or dismissal.
This tendency can make your emotional landscape harder for others to read. Your moods and communication style may shift depending on how secure you feel, sometimes open and expressive, other times guarded and reserved. People may sense that thereâs more beneath the surface but struggle to reach it, leaving you feeling both known and unknown at the same time. Itâs not that you donât want to share, itâs that you need emotional safety to speak freely. When that safety isnât present, your words stay tucked away, and your heart remains in quiet observation.
You often feel underappreciated when your thoughts, insights, or emotions arenât taken seriously, especially when youâve carefully chosen to share them. This can sting deeply, reinforcing the belief that itâs easier to stay silent than risk being dismissed. Yet, this placement slowly teaches you emotional intelligence, the ability to listen inwardly before seeking external validation. You begin to realize that your worth isnât dependent on being perfectly understood. Instead, your sensitivity becomes your strength: it helps you read between the lines, sense unspoken emotions, and connect with others on a more intuitive level. In time, you learn to communicate not just to be heard, but to express truth, calmly, confidently, and from a place of deep self-awareness.
Cancer/Moon
You often feel unseen in the way you care for others, as though the depth of your emotions exists quietly beneath the surface, rarely recognized for what it truly is. You give deeply and instinctively, offering comfort, understanding, and emotional support without needing to be asked. Yet, despite how much love and effort you pour into people, they donât always notice the quiet ways you hold them up. This can leave you feeling unappreciated or emotionally drained, as if your kindness goes unnoticed or taken for granted. You may wonder why others donât match your level of care, or why your love seems to fade into the background no matter how genuine it is.
You tend to keep your feelings private, preferring to observe and understand rather than openly express. Thereâs wisdom in your quiet, you read between the lines, pick up on subtle energies, and sense what others need before they ever say a word. But this deep sensitivity can also make you vulnerable to emotional exhaustion. You absorb the moods, worries, and pain of those around you, often carrying more than your fair share without realizing it. Even when you retreat for peace, your empathy remains active, like an invisible current connecting you to everything and everyone.
Over time, this teaches you the importance of boundaries and self-nourishment. You begin to realize that your emotional strength doesnât come from being everything to everyone, but from honoring your own inner world. This placement encourages you to trust your intuition, to see your emotional depth as sacred rather than hidden. You donât need external validation to know that your care matters, its impact runs deeper than what can be seen. Youâre not invisible because you lack light, youâre invisible because your light is gentle, inward, and healing. It doesnât clamor for attention, it protects your peace, restores your spirit, and quietly touches others in ways they may only understand long after youâve gone.
Leo/Sun
You often feel invisible when it comes to being recognized, appreciated, or loved for who you truly are. Thereâs a tenderness in the way you give, you invest your time, your care, and your emotional energy wholeheartedly, hoping that others will see the depth of your devotion. Yet too often, your efforts seem to go unnoticed or underacknowledged, leaving you feeling unseen despite all that you offer. You might find yourself carrying more than your share in relationships, friendships, or creative endeavors, hoping that if you give just a little more, someone will finally mirror that same love back to you. This can create a cycle of emotional exhaustion, where you give until youâre empty, quietly wondering why the same energy isnât returned.
Thereâs a deep yearning within you for genuine connection, a kind of love or recognition that feels mutual, balanced, and sincere. But instead, you often find yourself being the emotional anchor for others, holding everything together even when no one is doing the same for you. You carry an invisible strength that few people truly see, you show up for others without fanfare, with quiet consistency, even when your own needs remain unmet. Part of you may fear that stepping back will make you unneeded or forgotten, so you keep giving, hoping that your care will eventually be enough to earn appreciation.
Over time, though, this energy teaches you one of the most profound lessons, how to give without losing yourself. You begin to understand that love and generosity hold their true power when they come from a full heart, not one thatâs running on empty. You learn that your worth doesnât depend on how much you do for others, but on the light you carry within you, whether or not itâs seen. Your heart wants to be celebrated, but itâs learning to shine for its own joy, not for external validation. Youâre not invisible because your light is small, youâre invisible because you illuminate spaces others have not yet learned to see. Your warmth reaches the quiet, unspoken parts of peopleâs hearts, and even if they donât always acknowledge it, your presence changes them in ways that words canât express.
Virgo/Mercury
You often feel invisible in how your intelligence, creativity, or hard work are recognized, as if the depth of your effort quietly disappears behind the surface of what others see. You think deeply about everything you do, from how you express your ideas to how you can make things better, and you hold yourself to high standards that few people fully understand. Thereâs a quiet perfectionism within you, a constant drive to refine, polish, and perfect every detail, even when no one else notices. You may worry about whether youâre doing enough, or if your ideas will ever be valued the way they deserve to be. That self-awareness, while powerful, can also become a source of pressure, an inner voice that pushes you to prove your worth through work, achievement, or service.
You tend to throw yourself wholeheartedly into whatever you care about, whether itâs a project, a passion, or a person. Your dedication runs deep, and you take pride in the unseen effort, the planning, the patience, the quiet hours spent getting things right. But when that effort goes unacknowledged or taken for granted, it can feel like a sting, as though the most thoughtful parts of you remain unnoticed. You might question whether people truly see how much care and intellect you put into everything, or if they only notice the surface results without appreciating the process behind them. This invisibility doesnât come from a lack of value, it comes from the subtlety of your brilliance. You work in quiet, consistent ways that donât always demand attention, but they make a lasting impact.
Over time, this teaches you an important truth: mastery doesnât always announce itself. Real power often moves in silence. You begin to understand that the beauty of your mind lies not in being recognized, but in the quiet transformation you create, in the way your thoughts take shape and influence the world, even if others canât trace it back to you. Your insight, precision, and creativity are gifts that donât need validation to hold value. Youâre not invisible because you lack skill or significance, youâre invisible because your brilliance operates behind the scenes, weaving subtle patterns of order, beauty, and meaning. The world may not always see how much you do, but it runs smoother, wiser, and more inspired because of your unseen touch.
Libra/Venus
You often feel invisible when it comes to love, harmony, and being valued for your kindness. You give so much of yourself, your time, patience, and emotional energy, to keep relationships smooth and hearts at ease. You naturally step into the role of peacemaker, sensing when others are tense and softening the atmosphere with your warmth and understanding. But while you give endlessly, that same generosity can sometimes leave you feeling depleted, especially when the care you offer isnât acknowledged or reciprocated. You crave mutual understanding and balanced connection, yet you often find yourself surrounded by people or situations where youâre the emotional anchor, the one holding everything together while quietly yearning for someone to do the same for you.
Conflict can make you deeply uncomfortable, not because youâre weak, but because you value harmony so much that youâd rather absorb the tension than let it break the bond. Over time, though, constantly prioritizing peace over self-expression can lead to silent frustration or resentment. You might smile through hurt, hoping that your steadiness will inspire others to be gentler, but when your efforts go unnoticed, you begin to question if anyone truly sees how much heart you put into keeping things whole. You have a natural ability to understand othersâ emotions, yet people often take that empathy for granted, mistaking your calmness for indifference and your patience for passivity.
Still, this energy holds profound wisdom. It teaches you that love doesnât mean losing yourself for the sake of others, and that true balance comes from giving and receiving in equal measure. As you grow, you start to realize that your softness is not a flaw, itâs your quiet power. Your kindness isnât meant to be loud, itâs meant to heal. Even when your love isnât immediately recognized, it lingers, reshaping hearts, easing pain, and leaving an invisible warmth that people remember long after youâve gone. Youâre not invisible because you lack presence, youâre invisible because your love operates on a higher, gentler frequency, one that works quietly, restoring peace in ways the world doesnât always know how to see.
Scorpio/Pluto
You often feel invisible in your power, emotions, and transformation, as though the very things that make you profound are the same things that others overlook or fear. You crave authenticity, truth, and emotional depth, surface-level interactions rarely satisfy you. But because your energy runs so deep, it can sometimes unsettle people who arenât comfortable with intensity. You might sense that others canât handle the full weight of your emotions or the sharp clarity of your insight, so you learn to keep parts of yourself hidden. What begins as self-protection slowly becomes habit, a quiet retreat into privacy, where you can feel safely in control of your inner world. You may even shy away from recognition or attention because it feels hollow or undeserved if people only see your surface, not the soul beneath it.
This instinct for secrecy often comes from experience. Youâve likely faced betrayal, rejection, or moments where your openness was used against you, teaching you that vulnerability can be dangerous. Over time, youâve built emotional armor, not because youâre cold, but because youâve learned to survive by staying composed. You observe, feel deeply, and process everything internally. People may mistake this self-control for detachment, not realizing that your calm exterior hides entire worlds of emotion and transformation. You move through change quietly but powerfully, burning away what no longer serves you and emerging stronger, wiser, and more self-contained each time.
You often feel underappreciated when your loyalty, honesty, or emotional courage is misunderstood. Youâre the type who loves deeply and protects fiercely, yet others may only notice your intensity, not the devotion behind it. But this energy carries profound lessons, it teaches you that true strength doesnât always need to be seen. Your power lies in your ability to regenerate after every emotional death, to rebuild yourself from ashes with more integrity than before. You donât need external validation to confirm your worth, because your transformation is sacred, personal, and unseen by design. Youâre not invisible because you lack power, youâre invisible because your evolution happens in silence, far from eyes that wouldnât understand its depth. Your rebirths are private revolutions, proof that your power is not performative, but eternal.
Sagittarius/Jupiter
You often feel invisible in your beliefs, ideas, or ambitions, as if the way you see the world or dream for the future isnât easily understood by those around you. You crave expansion, meaning, and purpose, you want your life to stand for something greater than routine or surface-level success. Yet when you try to share your vision, itâs often met with skepticism, misunderstanding, or quiet dismissal. This can make you hesitant to speak your truth, fearing that your enthusiasm will be judged or your wisdom overlooked. You might hold back your insights, even when you know they could inspire others, simply because youâve learned that not everyone can grasp the depth of what drives you.
Over time, this can create a subtle divide between who you are internally and how much of yourself you allow the world to see. You may battle moments of self-doubt, wondering if your beliefs are naĂŻve or if your ambitions are too much. Thereâs a quiet fear of being laughed at, dismissed, or publicly embarrassed, so instead, you channel your energy into consistent effort, working behind the scenes to build credibility before revealing your next move. You push yourself to learn, to refine, and to prove through results what words could never fully express. Still, it can sting when your effort, dedication, or inner vision doesnât receive the acknowledgment it deserves, especially when youâve poured your heart into growth that others barely notice.
You feel underappreciated when your optimism or insight is taken lightly, or when people reduce your ideas to something impractical instead of seeing their deeper meaning. Yet this experience teaches you one of your greatest strengths, humility. You learn to believe in yourself quietly, to keep pursuing knowledge and growth even without applause. Each challenge becomes a spiritual test, asking you to hold faith in your vision when no one else does. Slowly, you realize that validation doesnât define truth, and that wisdom doesnât require an audience to be real. Youâre not invisible because you lack vision, youâre invisible because your growth is sacred, happening behind the scenes, in the spaces where your conviction is being strengthened. Someday, when your confidence aligns with your calling, your voice will carry the kind of authority that can only come from someone who has believed in themselves long before the world caught up.
Capricorn/Saturn
You often feel invisible in your ambitions, efforts, and emotional endurance, as though no matter how much you give, the world doesnât quite see the depth of your commitment. You work tirelessly behind the scenes, carrying responsibilities that others might overlook, and you do so with quiet determination. Yet recognition always seems to slip away just when you think itâs near, leaving you wondering if your patience and persistence are really worth it. You dream of lasting success and stability, but you rarely allow yourself to show the emotional toll of that pursuit. Beneath your calm and composed surface lies a deep desire to be acknowledged, not just for what you achieve, but for the strength it takes to keep going when no oneâs watching.
Thereâs a quiet heaviness in how much you carry alone. You tend to bottle up your frustrations and doubts, believing that vulnerability might make you appear weak or distract you from your goals. Even when you do everything right, life has a way of testing your limits, throwing delays, obstacles, or unfair outcomes in your path. Itâs easy to feel overshadowed or sidelined when your steady effort doesnât seem to match the attention others receive. Yet what others mistake for coldness is actually discipline, what they miss in your silence is the emotional resilience that keeps you grounded when things fall apart.
You feel underappreciated when your strength, patience, and sacrifices go unnoticed, but this placement teaches you that your timing is sacred. Your story is about long-term success, not quick validation. Every moment of invisibility refines you, teaching endurance, humility, and the value of inner stability. Youâre not invisible because you lack power, youâre invisible because your power takes time to mature. Your success is still unfolding quietly, preparing to emerge in its fullest form when the moment is right. And when it does, the world wonât just see your achievements, it will finally understand the strength that built them.
Aquarius/Uranus
You often feel invisible when it comes to your ideas, individuality, or leadership. You carry a mind that sees the world differently, visionary, daring, and unafraid to question what others accept without thought. Yet, when you try to express that brilliance, itâs not always met with understanding. People may label you as difficult, too radical, or detached, when in reality youâre just ahead of your time. This misunderstanding can make you second-guess yourself or stay silent to avoid conflict, even when you know your perspective could bring growth or innovation. Deep down, you crave the freedom to express your truth without judgment, to be recognized not only for your intelligence but for the authenticity behind it. Thereâs a deep tension between wanting to belong and refusing to conform, between standing out and not wanting to be isolated for it.
Thereâs also a quiet ache that comes with being the one who sees possibilities before others do. You might notice patterns, trends, or truths that others overlook, only to watch them dismiss your insight, until later, when they finally realize you were right all along. This delayed recognition can leave you feeling unappreciated or even bitter, especially when youâve poured so much energy into creating, improving, or inspiring. In your professional or creative life, you may feel like youâre constantly contributing ideas that others take credit for, or that your originality doesnât fit into traditional molds. Still, thereâs something sacred about your detachment, it allows you to keep evolving, to experiment freely without being chained to the need for approval.
You feel underappreciated when your independence, innovation, or honesty is mistaken for rebellion instead of brilliance. Yet this placement is here to shape you into someone who leads by influence, not force. It teaches emotional maturity, when to stand your ground, and when to release the need to prove yourself. Over time, you realize that true impact doesnât always come from the spotlight, it grows quietly, like electricity humming beneath the surface, shifting everything before anyone even notices. Youâre not invisible because you lack influence, youâre invisible because your change is catalytic, subtle, steady, and powerful enough to move the world in silence.
Pisces/Neptune
You often feel invisible in love, creativity, and self-expression. You move through the world with a gentle, soulful energy that seeks to understand and uplift others, but this same compassion can make you vulnerable to disappointment. You give endlessly, your time, your care, your emotional warmth, hoping that others will meet you at the same depth, but they rarely do. Instead, you find yourself carrying emotional weight that isnât yours, trying to fix or heal people who canât always give the same love back. This pattern can leave you feeling unseen, as if your devotion exists in the background while others take your softness for granted. Thereâs a quiet ache beneath your kindness, a longing to be truly seen for your heart, not just the comfort you provide. When your tenderness is overlooked or misunderstood, you may retreat into your inner world, choosing solitude over the risk of being hurt again.
At times, you pour your emotions into your art, creativity, or imagination, because those spaces feel safer than human connection. You might use beauty, music, writing, or fantasy to express what words cannot, all the love, sorrow, and longing that live inside you. Yet even in your creative expression, you may wrestle with self-doubt, questioning whether your work is meaningful or if anyone truly understands what youâre trying to share. This can lead to cycles of inspiration and withdrawal, where your sensitivity becomes both your greatest gift and your greatest challenge. But in truth, this depth is what makes your presence so special: your emotions have the power to awaken something tender in others, even if they donât immediately recognize where that feeling comes from.
You feel underappreciated when your empathy, loyalty, and emotional honesty are taken for granted. Still, this placement teaches the sacred art of boundaries, how to love deeply without losing yourself in the process. It asks you to trust that your compassion is powerful even when itâs quiet, and that being gentle doesnât mean being weak. Over time, you learn that your energy heals in subtle, almost invisible ways: a kind word at the right moment, a comforting presence that others canât quite explain. Youâre not invisible because youâre fragile, youâre invisible because your spirit moves through the unseen, touching hearts, mending wounds, and leaving traces of love that last long after youâve gone.
Chiron
You often feel invisible in your healing, efforts, and reliability. Youâre the one others lean on, the steady presence who listens, supports, and fixes whatâs broken, yet your own needs often go unnoticed. You carry yourself with quiet strength, showing up even when youâre tired or hurting, because part of you feels responsible for keeping everything together. People come to rely on your consistency, sometimes without realizing how much energy it takes for you to stay composed. Over time, this can create an invisible weight, a subtle exhaustion that builds when youâre the caretaker, the problem-solver, the one who never falters. You give deeply and genuinely, but it can feel as if your effort fades into the background, unseen precisely because you make it look effortless. Beneath that reliability, though, lives a tender ache, the wish to be cared for with the same devotion you offer so freely to others.
Thereâs also a perfectionist streak in you, a drive to do things âright,â to meet every promise and maintain harmony even in chaos. You often pour yourself into work, routines, or service, believing that if you just do enough, someone will finally notice your dedication. But the truth is, your worth isnât measured by how much you give, itâs found in your ability to rebuild and renew yourself after giving so much away. This placement holds the wisdom of cycles: to heal others is beautiful, but to remember your own healing is sacred. You may go through phases of burnout, withdrawal, and rebirth, each one teaching you how to reclaim your energy, how to say ânoâ when your spirit needs rest, and how to create not just for others, but for yourself.
You feel underappreciated when your reliability, wisdom, or healing presence is expected but not celebrated. Yet with time, you come to see that your quiet influence runs deeper than recognition, you change lives simply by being consistent, by holding light in dark places. Still, this journey asks you to rediscover your own fire, to remember that healing isnât just about tending to others but about tending to your soul. Youâre not invisible because you lack value, youâre invisible because your magic works in silence, restoring balance and planting seeds of renewal that others may not see until they begin to bloom. Your steadiness is not weakness, itâs grace in motion, teaching both you and others that true strength is found in the quiet act of beginning again.
Lilith
You often feel invisible in your power, boundaries, and self-worth. Thereâs a quiet intensity within you, a strength that runs deep, forged through experiences that tested your sense of control and identity. From a young age, you may have felt the weight of authority pressing against your individuality, whether through rigid expectations, manipulative dynamics, or environments that demanded obedience over authenticity. Youâve seen how power can be abused, how people can twist vulnerability into weakness, and because of that, you learned to protect yourself by staying guarded. Over time, this self-protection can turn into invisibility, a way of keeping your power safe from those who might misuse or misunderstand it. You often find yourself walking a fine line between wanting to lead and not wanting to be controlled, between craving recognition and fearing exposure. Beneath that tension lies an indestructible will, a fire that never truly goes out, even when life tries to smother it.
Youâve likely faced moments when others underestimated you, mistaking your silence for submission or your restraint for fragility. But what they fail to see is the depth of your endurance, the way you rebuild yourself from ashes every time youâre pushed down. You have a natural authority that doesnât need to shout to be felt, but because of past wounds, you might hesitate to fully claim it. This hesitation often comes from betrayal, from people who took your loyalty for granted or feared your independence because it exposed their insecurities. In professional, emotional, or spiritual spaces, you may feel that your wisdom is acknowledged only when convenient, never when it challenges the status quo. Yet even through the frustration of being unseen or uncredited, you continue to evolve quietly, turning every disappointment into a lesson in sovereignty.
You feel underappreciated when your determination, raw honesty, and survival instincts are misunderstood or feared. But this placement ultimately teaches self-mastery, the art of standing in your truth even when others canât handle its intensity. You learn that your power isnât something to be hidden or softened to make others comfortable, itâs meant to transform, to disrupt, and to lead. Youâre not invisible because you lack strength, youâre invisible because your energy moves differently, it doesnât chase approval, it commands respect through presence alone. Your healing begins the moment you stop running from your own fire and recognize it as sacred, the very force that allows you to break free from old structures and create your own foundation. In embracing your power fully, you become both the destroyer of limitations and the architect of your own destiny.
MC
You often feel invisible in your ambitions, career path, and the way the world recognizes your work. Youâre someone who strives for excellence, putting your whole heart and discipline into what you do, yet it can seem like your efforts vanish into the background while others get the spotlight. You may carry a quiet but constant fear of not being âenoughâ, not successful enough, not visible enough, not living up to the potential you know exists within you. That fear can turn into perfectionism, pushing you to overwork or constantly measure your progress against external standards. Even when you achieve something significant, it might not feel satisfying, because deep down, what you truly crave is not applause, but genuine acknowledgment, the kind that sees not just your results, but the soul behind your effort. At times, this inner tension makes you retreat into solitude, caught between wanting to be seen and wanting to remain protected from judgment. You build your dreams quietly, often behind closed doors, refining your craft in private while the world remains unaware of the depth of your dedication.
Thereâs also an emotional weight that comes with this placement, the feeling of climbing a mountain no one else realizes youâre on. You may find yourself constantly proving your worth, either to authority figures, family, or society at large, hoping that hard work will finally earn the respect you deserve. Yet recognition often arrives too late, or not at all, teaching you to rely on inner validation instead of waiting for the worldâs approval. This can lead to periods of doubt, where you question your path or wonder if youâre meant to shine at all. But the truth is, your light operates differently, itâs not a flash of instant fame, but a slow, steady glow that builds power over time. While others may burn brightly and fade, your persistence ensures that your influence lasts. Each challenge you face refines your purpose, shaping you into someone who leads with quiet authority rather than noise.
You feel underappreciated when your effort, discipline, and sacrifices go unnoticed, when others depend on your reliability but fail to celebrate your growth. Still, this placement teaches you the true meaning of integrity: doing meaningful work even when no one is watching. Your journey is one of delayed recognition, where patience becomes your greatest teacher. Over time, you realize that success isnât about visibility, itâs about legacy. The seeds you plant now may take years to bloom, but when they do, their roots will be deep and unshakable. Youâre not invisible because you lack ambition or talent, youâre invisible because your path is sacred, unfolding slowly so that when your moment arrives, itâs built on wisdom, endurance, and authenticity, the kind of success that can never be taken away.
IC
Feelings of invisibility and underappreciation often stem from your private world, your home, family, roots, or emotional foundation. You may have grown up in an environment where affection was inconsistent, where love came with strings attached, or where your emotions were dismissed as âtoo much.â This kind of upbringing can leave lasting marks, shaping how you express your feelings and how safe you feel being seen. Perhaps you were the peacemaker or the one who carried emotional burdens that werenât yours to hold, learning early on that to keep the peace, you had to suppress your own needs. Over time, that survival strategy turns into emotional self-erasure, a habit of holding everything inside, believing that showing your true feelings might invite rejection or chaos. Deep down, you crave security and belonging, yet thereâs also a restless desire for freedom, a push-and-pull between staying where itâs familiar and breaking away to finally breathe on your own terms.
You often feel unseen when it comes to your emotional depth and vulnerability. You may long for others to notice the quiet ways you care, how deeply you feel, how much you try to nurture harmony, but instead, people might mistake your composure for indifference or your strength for unshakable stability. Beneath that exterior, though, lies a heart thatâs sensitive and easily wounded, shaped by past betrayals or manipulative dynamics that taught you love could be dangerous. Because of this, you might unconsciously keep people at a distance, fearing that letting them too close means losing control or being hurt again. These emotional patterns donât make you cold, they make you cautious. Youâve learned to self-soothe, to build inner walls for protection, and to find comfort in solitude when the world feels unpredictable. But those same walls that once kept you safe can also keep genuine love from reaching you.
This placement teaches that true healing begins when you stop carrying the weight of other peopleâs emotional failures as your own. The wounds you carry are not reflections of your worth, they are evidence of your endurance. By learning to set boundaries, you begin to separate what belongs to you from what was projected onto you. Self-acceptance becomes your anchor, allowing you to nurture yourself with the care you always needed. And as you soften those inner defenses, you create space for love that doesnât demand your silence or sacrifice. Youâre not invisible because youâre unworthy of affection, youâre invisible because youâve spent so long dimming your light to survive. Healing asks you to let that light return, to allow yourself to be seen not for how much you can endure, but for the warmth, intuition, and emotional depth that have always made you extraordinary beneath it all.
Ascendant
Feelings of invisibility often emerge from the tension between how you present yourself and what you privately feel. Outwardly, you might seem calm, capable, or even confident, the one who keeps everything together, while inside, thereâs a storm of emotions you rarely let others see. Youâve likely learned to protect your inner world by perfecting your outer image, using composure as a kind of armor. This pattern may have begun early in life, in an environment where it felt safer to adapt than to stand out. You might have sensed that showing too much emotion, individuality, or vulnerability would attract criticism or rejection. Over time, that survival instinct taught you how to be invisible in plain sight: present but guarded, expressive but never too exposed. Deep down, though, thereâs a yearning, not just to be noticed, but to be truly understood for who you are beneath the surface.
You might have grown up where visibility came with conditions, where love or approval depended on how well you fit into expectations. Being âseenâ may have meant being evaluated, compared, or misunderstood, rather than embraced for your authenticity. So you learned to dim certain parts of yourself, hiding your quirks, opinions, or raw emotions to preserve peace or belonging. Thereâs a quiet grief in that, a sadness that comes from knowing how much of yourself youâve had to mute just to feel safe. You crave deep, honest connection, yet that same desire is tangled with fear: fear that showing your real self will lead to rejection, or that being vulnerable will cost you stability. This inner conflict can create a sense of emotional dissonance, performing confidence while secretly feeling unseen, wanting closeness but struggling to let your walls down.
This placement invites you to heal by reconciling those two versions of yourself, the one you show the world and the one you hide away. Visibility doesnât have to mean exposure, it can mean alignment, where your inner truth and outer expression begin to match. The world doesnât need a perfect version of you, it needs your realness, your softness, your contradictions. Healing begins when you allow yourself to be witnessed, not just for your strength, but for your humanity. As you learn to stop performing what feels âsafe,â you open the door to authentic connection, the kind where you no longer have to hide to be loved. In that space, being seen stops feeling risky and starts feeling like freedom.
Descendant
Feelings of invisibility and underappreciation often stem from your relationships, the way others perceive, respond to, or project onto you. You may find that your sense of identity is constantly tested through your interactions, as if every connection becomes a lesson in balance, boundaries, and self-respect. You might attract people who challenge your sense of fairness or who force you to confront the ways you give too much in order to keep the peace. Thereâs often a pattern of extending empathy and understanding to others, giving them the benefit of the doubt, only to end up feeling unseen, misjudged, or even blamed for dynamics that werenât entirely your fault. Itâs as though your relationships act as a mirror, reflecting both your capacity for compassion and the lingering wounds that make you question whether youâre truly valued for who you are.
Partnerships and social connections can be emotionally complex for you, carrying both the potential for deep growth and the risk of imbalance. You may find yourself drawn to people who are charismatic, dominant, or emotionally intense, individuals who awaken your empathy but also test your boundaries. This dynamic can lead to overcompensation: you might work hard to keep the peace, mediate conflicts, or maintain emotional equilibrium, even when youâre inwardly drained or frustrated. The fear of being judged, abandoned, or misrepresented can make you silence your truth, swallow your anger, or minimize your needs. Over time, this creates a quiet erosion of self-trust, a belief that your feelings might be âtoo muchâ or that speaking up will only lead to more conflict. Yet beneath this lies an unyielding strength: your deep desire for fairness, honesty, and connection that doesnât demand self-sacrifice.
This placement teaches you to find liberation through self-assertion, to reclaim your voice without apology. Healing begins when you realize that you donât need to earn love by keeping the peace or explaining your worth to those who canât see it. Your power lies in discerning which relationships reflect your truth and which distort it. The moment you stop internalizing othersâ projections as your identity, you start to recognize the difference between connection and control. When you lead with self-awareness and integrity, you naturally draw people who value your authenticity rather than your compliance. In that space, relationships transform from battlegrounds into sacred mirrors, reflecting not your pain, but your growth, balance, and capacity to love without losing yourself.
North Node
Feelings of invisibility and underappreciation often come from the struggle between growth and attachment, a quiet battle between who youâve been and who youâre becoming. You may feel torn between the comfort of familiarity and the call of your higher purpose, as if one foot is rooted in the past while the other longs to step into new territory. Early experiences may have taught you to equate your worth with approval, obedience, or productivity, shaping a dynamic where you felt visible only when serving someone elseâs vision. Over time, this can create a subtle yet powerful internal conflict: the part of you that craves expansion and autonomy keeps bumping against the part that fears being abandoned or rejected if you outgrow your old role. You may sense your potential rising like a tide, yet feel guilty or anxious about what you might lose in the process.
You might notice yourself clinging to relationships, habits, or versions of yourself that once provided safety but now quietly restrict you. Whether itâs a mentor who once guided you but now limits your voice, or an environment that rewards consistency over innovation, thereâs a pattern of staying small to preserve harmony. The more you resist change, the more the universe seems to repeat the same lesson, reminding you that stagnation can feel more painful than risk. Conflicts with authority figures, partners, or even family may surface as you start asserting independence, especially when theyâre accustomed to your compliance. These moments can feel like betrayals or ruptures, but they are actually thresholds, invitations to claim your own direction. Every act of self-assertion, no matter how small, becomes a declaration that you no longer need external validation to feel worthy of growth.
This placement teaches that evolution is an act of courage, not rebellion. True growth often feels uncomfortable because it requires shedding layers of identity built to please or survive. But as you release whatâs outdated, you begin to see that you were never meant to stay hidden in someone elseâs shadow. Your visibility comes not from proving your value but from embodying your truth, from standing firm in your choices, your wisdom, and your forward movement. Healing happens when you stop seeing growth as a threat to belonging and start recognizing it as your soulâs natural rhythm. The moment you trust your own direction, you become the authority of your path, honoring your past not by staying bound to it, but by allowing it to become the foundation of your evolution.
South Node
Feelings of invisibility and underappreciation often stem from a long-standing pattern of overexerting yourself, the constant drive to prove your worth, even when no one is demanding it of you. You may carry the energy of the fighter, the survivor, or the underdog, someone whoâs had to work twice as hard just to be acknowledged. Thereâs an ingrained belief that value must be earned through sweat, persistence, or endurance, and that rest or ease somehow equates to weakness. This can create a cycle where you unconsciously seek out challenges or high-pressure situations, because struggle feels familiar, even validating. You might find yourself drawn to people or environments that mirror this dynamic, where your effort is always required, but rarely celebrated. Itâs not that you donât crave peace, youâve just learned to associate it with stagnation, as if comfort means youâre not trying hard enough.
Over time, this can lead to deep emotional and physical exhaustion, the kind that doesnât go away with rest, because it comes from constantly feeling unseen despite your effort. You may feel like youâre always fighting uphill battles: proving your integrity, defending your choices, or justifying your intentions. Recognition, when it comes, often arrives too late to feel satisfying, leaving you caught in a loop of striving without fulfillment. This can make you wary of change or new beginnings, especially if your past taught you that success is fleeting or easily taken away. Thereâs a quiet grief underneath, mourning the parts of you that learned to equate love and respect with performance, when all you really wanted was to be accepted as you are.
This placement teaches a powerful lesson in surrender and self-worth. You are not defined by your struggles, nor do you need to keep proving your strength for it to exist. True growth begins when you start releasing the armor, when you allow life to meet you with ease instead of resistance. Learning to rest, to trust, and to receive without guilt is part of your healing. You become visible not through endless effort, but through authenticity, by standing in your truth even when youâre not fighting for it. The moment you stop measuring your value by how much you endure, you start realizing that peace isnât something you have to earn, itâs something youâve always deserved.
There are so many different reasons why someone might like The Raven Cycle so I divided it up into place, prose, plot and people. Do look up the warnings on any books you are interested in.
Now I hope someone adds on because I need more to read!!
Place - TRC has such a strong sense of place
Bone Gap - the closest small city vibe and dreamy prose to TRC so it gets to be in both categories
The City We Became
Left Hand of Darkness
Prose
Scorpio Races
Call Down the Hawk
Piranesi
Spear that Cuts Through Water
Plot
Need more plot
Sword of Kaigen
She Who Became the Sun
A Memory Called Empire
Light plot just vibes
The Colour of Magic
Bunny
Another Mystery Thanks
Mexican Gothic
Thousand Doors of January
Who Murdered Roger Ackroyd
I'm okay with with the plot being incomprehensible
Gideon the Ninth
This is How You Lose the Time War
People
Found Family
Thick As Thieves - These people are all really good friends and may also be outlaws
Six of Crows
Clockwork Boys
Nona the Ninth
Rise of Kyoshi
Messed Up - These are friends but in a fucked up place
If We Were Villains
The Secret History
The Foxhole Court
Just for the Trope - I don't think the found family was strong but the plots or writing was fun
Gilded Wolves
Foundryside
Cinder
Queer Romance Fantasy - Typically only recommended for their resemblance to Pynch.
The Hollow and the Haunted
Summer Sons - Academic + Car Guy written by TRC fan
Don't Let the Forest In - Closest in flowery prose
Sorcery and Small Magics
Reminds me of people from Gangsey
Bluesey - Pride and Prejudice
Adam - Black Sun and Ninth House
Ronan - Bone Shard Daughter and Not Even Bones
Blue - Daughter of Smoke & Bone and Diviners (Libra Bray)
synopsis âž some people say childhood friendships never lastâbut they're wrong about you and hajime. though twenty years of friendship doesn't prepare you for what happens when you finally see him as more than the boy who grew up next door
tags âž childhood friends to lovers, roommates to lovers, strong sexual tension, fingering, nipple play, oral sex (mentioned), size kink, praise kink, dirty talk, unprotected sex, creampie, voyeurism (sorta), getting caught, grinding, manhandling, implied exhibitionism, multiple orgasms, massage leads to more
wc âž 15.5k
Some people say childhood friendships never lastâthat they're as fragile as the paper airplanes you used to launch from the second-story window of Iwaizumi's bedroom, soaring briefly before crashing into the unforgiving earth below. But they're wrong. At least they were wrong about the three of you. You, Hajime, and Tooru had been constants in each other's lives since before conscious memory formed, your existences so thoroughly intertwined that sometimes you couldn't remember where your personality ended and theirs began. Your mothers still liked to tell the story of how three-year-old Hajime had stubbornly planted himself between you and a neighborhood dog that had wandered too close, his small fists clenched and ready to defend you despite his own obvious fear. Or how Tooru had wailed inconsolably when your family considered moving to Tokyo for your father's job when you were seven, staging a one-child protest on your front lawn until his mother dragged him home, embarrassed but secretly understanding. The move never happened, and sometimes in your darkest moments, you wondered how different life would have been if it hadâif you'd never grown up witnessing Hajime's quiet evolution from the soft-spoken boy with perpetually dirt-stained knees to the powerhouse ace who could silence a gymnasium with a single spike.
People always assumed Tooru was the glue that held your trio togetherâcharismatic, beautiful Tooru with his perfect smile and carefully crafted persona. But you knew better. It was Hajime who anchored you both, his unwavering reliability providing the foundation upon which your friendship was built. When Tooru pushed himself too far during practice, it was Hajime who forcibly dragged him home, his hand rough on the back of Tooru's neck but his eyes betraying genuine concern. When you struggled through advanced mathematics in your third year, staying up until your vision blurred and your fingers cramped around your pencil, it was Hajime who appeared at your window at midnight with energy drinks and his meticulously organized notes, refusing to leave until the equations made sense. "I'm not doing this for you," he'd grumble, but the lie was transparent. He had always been a terrible liar.
The three of you had created your own language over the yearsâa complex system of inside jokes, half-finished sentences, and meaningful glances that outsiders could never hope to decipher. You could communicate volumes with just the quirk of an eyebrow or the set of your shoulders. You knew exactly which smile of Tooru's was genuine and which was manufactured for his fangirls. Hajime could tell when your laughter was forced, calling you out with a simple, "Cut the crap," that somehow never felt harsh coming from him. And both you and Hajime had become experts at reading the subtle signs of Tooru's insecurityâthe infinitesimal tightening around his eyes, the way his fingers would twist just a little too hard in the hem of his shirt. In those moments, you'd exchange a glance with Hajime, an entire conversation happening in seconds: Your turn or mine? He needs us. Again.
High school slipped away like sand through fingers, impossible to grasp no matter how tightly you clenched your fist around the memories. The inevitability of separation loomed like a thundercloud on the horizon, impossible to ignore but easy to pretend wasn't thereâuntil graduation day arrived with its brutal finality. Tooru was Argentina-bound, his talent too immense for Japan to contain. Hajime had chosen Tokyo for sports medicine, his practical nature guiding him toward a future that would keep him connected to the sport even after his body could no longer withstand the punishing demands of competitive play. And youâwell, you'd applied to universities in Tokyo almost as an afterthought, your real motivation transparent to anyone who knew you well enough. Where Hajime went, you followed. It had always been that way, even when Tooru was there to complete your triangle.
The night before Tooru's departure had been uncharacteristically subdued. No dramatic declarations, no forced cheerfulness. Just the three of you sprawled across the floor of his half-packed bedroom, surrounded by the artifacts of a childhood about to be left behind. Tooru's eyes had been red-rimmed, though he'd deny crying if confronted. Hajime had been quieter than usual, his normally expressive face carefully blank as he absently tossed a volleyball from hand to hand. You'd lain between them, your head on Hajime's thigh, your feet in Tooru's lap, feeling the physical connection between the three of you like a living thing, already grieving its imminent loss.
Tokyo welcomed you and Hajime with indifferent arms, the city too vast and impersonal to care about two more people from the countryside. Your apartment was cramped and overpriced, a fifth-floor walk-up with temperamental plumbing and walls thin enough to hear your neighbors' most intimate moments. But it was yoursâyours and Hajime'sâand there was something thrilling about that possession, about building something that belonged just to the two of you. No parents, no Tooru, no history except what you carried with you.
The first few weeks had been a chaotic blur of unpacking, getting lost on subway lines, discovering which convenience store had the best onigiri, and learning to navigate the strange new terrain of living with Hajime without the buffer of Tooru between you. You'd seen glimpses of this Hajime beforeâthe one who existed when Tooru wasn't around to command attentionâbut never for extended periods. Never with this raw, unfiltered intimacy that came from sharing a bathroom sink and seeing each other first thing in the morning, bleary-eyed and defenseless.
Hajime in private was both exactly who you'd always known and someone entirely new. The gruffness remained, but without Tooru to focus it on, it softened around the edges. He still exercised with religious dedication, but now you witnessed the full extent of his routineâthe way sweat gleamed on his skin as he did push-ups in the living room, his t-shirt clinging to the muscles of his back, the controlled rhythm of his breathing as he counted reps under his breath. You found yourself watching him more often than you'd care to admit, cataloging the details you'd somehow missed despite years of friendship: the small scar at the corner of his jaw from a childhood biking accident, the way one eyebrow lifted slightly higher than the other when he was skeptical, how his handsâalways so capable and strongâcould be surprisingly gentle when he absentmindedly massaged your shoulders after you'd been hunched over textbooks for too long.
Tooru's absence was strange and disorienting, like losing a limb. The phantom pain of missing his dramatic entrances, his ridiculous poses, his ability to fill a room with his presence alone. Video calls helped, but they were a pale imitation of having him physically present, his voice tinny through speakers, his image frozen by bad connections at the most inopportune moments. Still, there was comfort in seeing his face, in watching him gesticulate wildly as he described his new teammates, his new apartment, his new life that was happening without you. Sometimes you'd catch a shadow crossing his features when you mentioned something you and Hajime had done together, a flicker of something like loneliness before his practiced smile slid back into place. Those moments cut deep, made you question whether you'd made the right choice following Hajime instead of Tooru.
But then Hajime would do somethingâdrop a cup of tea beside you while you studied, press his shoulder against yours during a crowded subway ride, fall asleep on the couch with his head tilted toward your bedroom as if even unconscious he was attuned to your presenceâand the doubt would dissolve. There was an easiness between you now, a comfortable silence that had never been possible with Tooru around to fill every quiet moment with chatter. You learned that Hajime hummed tunelessly while cooking, that he folded his laundry with military precision, that he secretly read historical fiction before bed. He discovered your habit of talking to yourself when concentrating, your collection of ridiculous socks, your inability to remember to buy toilet paper despite multiple reminders.
The physical awareness of him grew by imperceptible degrees, like water slowly rising in a basin. You noticed things you'd never allowed yourself to notice beforeâthe breadth of his shoulders under thin cotton t-shirts, the tanned column of his throat when he tilted his head back to drink, the way his hair fell across his forehead when freshly washed. His presence in a room changed the very air, charged it with something you couldn't name but could feel in the pit of your stomach, in the suddenly rapid beat of your heart.
Sometimes you'd catch him looking at you with an expression you didn't recognize, his eyes dark and unreadable. It would last only a second before he'd turn away, jaw tight, shoulders tense. In those moments, uncertainty would creep in, cold fingers of doubt trailing along your spine. Had you done something wrong? Was he regretting the decision to live together? Did he wish he'd chosen a different roommate, one who didn't leave hair in the shower drain and forget to buy groceries when it was their turn?
Then came the night that changed everythingâthough perhaps change isn't the right word. Perhaps it was more of an awakening, a sudden violent clarity washing over you like ice water, forcing you to see what had been right in front of you all along.
It was a Thursday evening in late October, the kind where autumn's chill had finally committed to its descent, no longer teasing with occasional warm afternoons but settling into the city with grim determination. Rain had been falling steadily since morning, not the dramatic downpour that would give you an excuse to call off plans, but the persistent, monotonous kind that soaked through layers regardless of umbrellas or hoods. You'd arrived home with damp socks and a foul mood, having stepped in a puddle that went halfway up your calf on the final stretch to your apartment building.
Hajime had beaten you home, evident from his muddy running shoes haphazardly kicked off in the entryway (a habit that normally irked you, but today seemed strangely endearing in its familiarity) and the smell of something savory simmering on the stove. The apartment was warm after the damp chill outside, steam fogging the kitchen window as Hajime stood with his back to you, shoulders broad beneath a worn gray t-shirt, the muscles of his forearms visible as he rolled up his sleeves to wash something in the sink.
"I'm home," you called unnecessarily, dropping your sodden bag on the floor with a wet thud.
He glanced over his shoulder, eyes taking in your bedraggled state with a quick sweep that somehow missed nothing. "You look like shit."
"Charming as always, Hajime," you muttered, but there was no heat in it. This was your rhythm, comfortable and worn like an old sweater.
"Take a hot shower before you catch something. Food'll be ready in twenty." He turned back to whatever he was doing, dismissing you with the easy confidence of someone who knew his suggestions would be heeded.
And they would be, because he was rightâyou were freezing, your clothes uncomfortably damp and clinging to your skin. But something stubborn in you resisted the immediate compliance, a childish urge to assert some kind of control in a day that had seemed determined to strip it from you at every turn.
"What are you making?" You moved closer instead, peering around his solid frame to see what was in the pot he was stirring. The kitchen was small, barely enough room for two people to move comfortably, and your shoulder brushed against his back as you leaned in.
"Curry. My mom's recipe." A pause, then almost grudgingly: "The one you like."
Something warm unfurled in your chest at that, at the knowledge that he'd chosen to make your favorite comfort food on this miserable day. It was so typically Hajimeâgruff words masking thoughtful actions, caring for you in ways so subtle and consistent they were easy to overlook. He'd always been like that, from the time you were children and he'd wordlessly handed you his jacket when you shivered at the summer festival, to now, cooking you dinner after what he'd somehow intuited had been a terrible day.
"Let me help," you said, already reaching for the cabinet where plates were kept.
He made a noncommittal grunt that you interpreted as assent, and for several minutes you worked in companionable silence, moving around each other in the cramped kitchen with the unconscious choreography of people who had shared space for years. You set the table while he finished the curry, occasionally brushing against each other in the confined spaceâhis hand on the small of your back as he reached past you for the rice cooker, your arm grazing his as you grabbed utensils from the drawer. Each point of contact sent a small jolt through your system, like static electricity, there and gone so quickly you barely registered it on a conscious level.
"Can you get the good glasses?" Hajime nodded toward the upper cabinet. "The ones your mom sent."
You moved to comply, stretching up on tiptoes to reach the cabinet above the stove where the nice glassware was keptâa housewarming gift from your mother, who had insisted that proper adults needed proper glasses, not the mismatched collection of promotional cups and chipped mugs you'd accumulated through high school. Your fingertips just grazed the shelf, not quite able to reach.
"Move," Hajime said from behind you, the single word a command rather than a request. Before you could respond, his chest pressed briefly against your back as he reached over you, his body heat seeping through your damp clothes and making you acutely aware of just how cold you'd been. He grabbed two glasses with ease, his height advantage making the task effortless where you had struggled.
As he set them on the counter, one slipped from his graspâperhaps because of residual soap from washing his hands, or just one of those inexplicable moments of clumsiness that happen to even the most coordinated people. It shattered on the tile floor with a crash that seemed disproportionately loud in the small kitchen, glass fragments exploding outward in a glittering radius that included where you stood in your socked feet.
What happened next occurred so quickly that your brain struggled to process the sequence of events. One moment you were standing there, staring dumbly at the broken glass surrounding your feet; the next, Hajime's hands were on your waist, large and warm and uncompromising as they lifted you bodily off the ground as if you weighed nothing at all. There was a suspended second of weightlessness, of complete surrender to his strength, before he deposited you firmly on the countertop, your legs dangling a safe distance above the hazardous floor.
"Don't move," he ordered, voice dropping to a lower register than you were accustomed to hearing from him, authoritative and unyielding in a way that sent an unexpected shiver racing down your spine. "You'll cut yourself."
And then he was crouching down, carefully gathering the larger shards of glass, his movements precise and methodical. You sat frozen on the countertop, but it wasn't the broken glass that had immobilized youâit was the sudden, visceral awareness of Hajime as a man, not the boy you'd grown up with. The realization crashed over you with such force that it momentarily robbed you of breath, of thought, of any coherent response beyond the thundering of your heart against your ribs.
His hands. God, his hands. How had you never truly seen them before? Large enough to span your waist with ease, strong enough to lift your entire body without apparent effort. The same hands that had patched up your scraped knees as children, that had spiked volleyballs with devastating power in high school, that now moved with careful precision as they collected broken glass. The dichotomy was dizzyingâsuch strength capable of such gentleness, such careful control harnessing such raw power.
And the way he'd lifted youâso effortlessly, so decisively, without hesitation or strain. As if the most natural response to potential danger was to simply remove you from its path, to take control of the situation and your body in one fluid motion. There had been nothing sexual in the gesture, nothing overtly intimate, and yet heat bloomed low in your abdomen, spreading outward until even your fingertips tingled with it.
This was Hajimeâyour Hajimeâwho had seen you with chicken pox and braces, who had held your hair back when you vomited after your first ill-advised experiment with alcohol at sixteen, who knew all your embarrassing secrets and childhood fears. And yet suddenly he was also this stranger with broad shoulders and capable hands and a voice that commanded obedience without question. How had you never noticed the way his t-shirt stretched across his chest when he reached up, or how the tendons in his forearms flexed as he worked, or the sheer masculine solidity of him occupying space in your shared kitchen?
"You okay?" His voice cut through your spiraling thoughts, and you realized he was looking up at you from his crouched position, brow furrowed in concern. "You look flushed. Are you getting sick?"
Sick? Yes, perhaps that explained the sudden heat in your cheeks, the difficulty drawing a full breath, the way your entire body seemed to vibrate with a new awareness you couldn't name. Easier to blame it on illness than to confront the truthâthat something fundamental had shifted in your perception of the man before you, something that couldn't be undone or ignored.
"I'm fine," you managed, your voice sounding strange to your own ears, higher than usual and slightly breathless. "Just... startled."
He grunted, clearly unconvinced, and went back to cleaning up the glass. You watched him in silence, cataloging details with newfound intensityâthe way his hair fell across his forehead as he bent forward, the strong column of his neck disappearing into the collar of his t-shirt, the flex and release of muscles in his shoulders as he moved. How many times had you seen him exactly like this, performing some mundane task in your shared space? And yet now, it was as if you were seeing him through a completely different lens, one that stripped away the comfortable familiarity of your history together and left only this visceral, primal awareness in its place.
Your mother's voice suddenly echoed in your memory, her raised eyebrow and knowing smile when you'd announced your plan to share an apartment with Hajime. "Just the two of you?" she'd asked, a teasing lilt to her voice that had made you roll your eyes at the time. "You know, sweetheart, people change when you live with them. You might see sides of Hajime you've never noticed before."
You'd dismissed her concern with the confident ignorance of someone who believed they knew everything there was to know about their oldest friend. "Mom, it's Hajime. We've been joined at the hip since we were in diapers. There's nothing about him I don't already know."
How spectacularly, catastrophically wrong you had been. Because the Hajime you'd known all your life didn't make your pulse quicken with a single touch. He didn't make you hyperaware of your own body, of the thin fabric of your shirt against suddenly sensitive skin, of the exposure of your bare legs where they dangled from the countertop. He didn't make you wonder, with a kind of reckless curiosity that bordered on desperation, what those hands would feel like on other parts of your body, what that voice would sound like murmuring against your ear, what that strength would be like if it was focused entirely on you in an entirely different context.
Hajime finished gathering the larger pieces of glass and stood, moving to the trash can to dispose of them. "Don't get down yet," he instructed, grabbing the broom from the corner. "I need to sweep to make sure I got all the small pieces."
You nodded mutely, not trusting your voice. There was something almost unbearably intimate about sitting on the counter watching him clean up the mess, something domestic and quotidian that now seemed charged with new significance. This was your life togetherâbroken glasses and curry for dinner and rain pattering against the windowsâand yet suddenly it felt like the setting for something much more complex, much more dangerous than mere friendship or sharing an apartment.
He swept methodically, his movements economical and thorough, occasionally glancing up at you with that same concerned furrow between his brows. "You sure you're okay? You've been quiet."
"Just tired," you lied, forcing a smile that felt brittle on your face. "Long day."
He studied you for a moment longer, eyes narrowing slightly as if he could see through the flimsy excuse, but ultimately he let it go. That was Hajime tooâknowing when to push and when to give you space, respecting your boundaries even when he suspected you weren't being entirely truthful. The thought sent another wave of heat through you, the realization that his consideration, his attentiveness, had always been there but now carried new weight, new implications.
"Done," he announced finally, setting the broom aside. He moved back to stand in front of you, positioned between your dangling legs, and for one wild, heart-stopping moment you thoughtâhoped? feared?âhe might put his hands on your waist again, might lift you down as easily as he'd lifted you up. Instead, he stepped back slightly, giving you space to slide off the counter on your own.
"Thanks," you murmured, suddenly shy in a way you'd never been with him before. Your feet touched the floor, and you were abruptly aware of the height difference between you, of how you had to tilt your head back slightly to meet his eyes, of how easily he couldâ
Could what? Your mind raced ahead, filling in blanks with possibilities that had never occurred to you before this moment. Could back you against the counter. Could tilt your chin up with those strong fingers. Could bend down andâ
"Food's getting cold," Hajime said, breaking the spell. He turned away to grab the pot of curry, seemingly oblivious to the chaotic spiral of your thoughts, to the seismic shift that had just occurred in your perception of him, of your relationship, of everything.
You moved to the table on unsteady legs, sinking into your chair with the distinct feeling that you were no longer the same person who had walked through the door twenty minutes ago. That version of you had seen Hajime as a constant, a known quantity, a childhood friend turned roommate with no complex layers to navigate. This new version saw him as... something else entirely. Something that made your skin too tight, your breath too shallow, your thoughts too scattered to form coherent patterns.
As he served the curry, his forearm brushed against your shoulder, and you flinched at the contact, a small involuntary movement that didn't escape his notice.
"Seriously, what's wrong with you tonight?" he asked, genuine concern mixing with exasperation in his voice. "You're acting weird."
You looked up at himâat the familiar features you'd known all your life, at the strong jaw and direct gaze and perpetual slight furrow between his browsâand felt as if you were seeing a stranger superimposed over your oldest friend. How could you explain that the problem wasn't him but your own sudden, visceral recognition of him as a man, as someone who could make your heart race with just the casual display of strength, who could command a roomâcommand youâwith nothing more than the tone of his voice?
"Nothing's wrong," you lied again, knowing he wouldn't believe you but unable to offer anything closer to the truth. "Just... thinking about something."
He raised an eyebrow, clearly waiting for elaboration, but when none came, he simply shook his head and sat down across from you. "Fine. Keep your secrets. But eat something before you pass out."
You picked up your spoon obediently, going through the motions of eating while your mind continued its treacherous exploration of this new territory. Every movement Hajime made now seemed laden with significanceâthe flex of his jaw as he chewed, the way his fingers curled around his water glass, how his throat worked when he swallowed. Had he always taken up so much space at the table, his presence so solid and undeniable? Had his eyes always held that intensity when they rested on you, as if he could see beneath your skin to the turmoil beneath?
"Is it not good?" he asked, nodding toward your barely-touched food.
"No, it's delicious," you assured him quickly, forcing yourself to take another bite to prove it. "I'm just... distracted."
"By what?" he pressed, setting down his spoon and giving you his full attention. It was overwhelming, being the sole focus of that gaze, being pinned in place by nothing more than his interest, his concern.
"Work stuff," you said vaguely, knowing it was a weak excuse but unable to formulate anything more convincing when your brain was so thoroughly occupied with cataloging the exact shade of his eyes in the warm kitchen light, the precise curve of his mouth as it turned down slightly in skepticism.
He didn't believe youâthat much was clear from his expressionâbut instead of calling you on the obvious lie, he simply reached across the table and pressed the back of his hand to your forehead, checking for fever with the casual intimacy of someone who had done so countless times before. His skin was cool against yours, his touch gentle despite the roughness of his calluses, and you fought the urge to lean into the contact like a cat seeking affection.
"You don't feel warm," he murmured, brow furrowed in concentration. "But you look flushed."
Because you're touching me, you wanted to say. Because I can feel your pulse in your wrist where it rests against my cheek. Because I suddenly can't remember how to breathe normally when you're this close. Instead, you pulled back slightly, breaking the contact before you could do something mortifying like turn your face into his palm.
"I'm fine, Hajime. Really. Just tired and wet and..." You trailed off, gesturing vaguely at your still-damp clothes.
Understanding dawned on his face. "You never took that shower. Go. Now. Before you actually do get sick." He stood, gathering your mostly-full plate. "I'll keep this warm for you."
The note of command was back in his voice, that tone that brooked no argument and expected immediate compliance. And just like that, the heat returned, spreading through your body like wildfire, making it difficult to stand without revealing the sudden weakness in your knees.
"Yeah, okay," you managed, pushing back from the table. "Thanks."
As you turned to go, his hand caught your wrist, the contact sending a jolt of electricity up your arm. You froze, heart hammering against your ribs, afraid to look back at him lest your face betray the chaos of your thoughts.
"Hey," he said, his voice softer now, tinged with genuine concern. "You'd tell me if something was really wrong, right?"
The question hung in the air between you, loaded with years of trust and friendship, with the certainty that had always existed between youâthat no matter what, you could tell each other anything. Except this. How could you possibly tell him that everything had changed in the span of a few minutes, that you suddenly saw him not as Hajime-your-friend but as Hajime-the-man, that your body responded to his proximity in ways that were entirely new and terrifying and exhilarating?
"Of course," you lied, the words tasting bitter on your tongue. "Always."
He released your wrist, apparently satisfied, and you fled to the bathroom, closing the door behind you with perhaps more force than necessary. You leaned against it, eyes closed, breath coming in shallow gasps as if you'd run a marathon instead of simply walking down a hallway.
The face that greeted you in the mirror was both familiar and strangeâyour features the same as they had always been, but your eyes wider, darker, your cheeks flushed with color that had nothing to do with fever or cold. You looked like someone on the edge of something monumental, someone teetering between before and after, between safety and risk.
As you stripped off your damp clothes and stepped under the hot spray of the shower, you couldn't escape the realization that had ambushed you in the kitchen. Hajime was no longer just your childhood friend, your roommate, your constant. He was a man who made your pulse race and your skin tingle, whose casual display of strength had awakened something primal and hungry within you, whose voice could command your obedience with a single word.
And nothingânot the scalding water beating down on your shoulders, not the steam filling the small bathroom, not the rational part of your brain screaming warnings about ruining friendships and crossing lines that couldn't be uncrossedânothing could wash away the sudden, visceral certainty that you wanted him. Not as a friend, not as a roommate, but as a man wants a woman, with all the messy, complicated, thrilling implications that entailed.
The question that remained, as you pressed your forehead against the cool tile of the shower wall and tried to regain your equilibrium, was what the hell you were supposed to do about it now.
The days following what you'd come to think of as the Kitchen Incident unfolded like a fever dream, your perception of Hajime permanently, irrevocably altered. It was as if someone had adjusted the focus on a camera you'd been looking through your entire lifeâsuddenly everything was sharper, more defined, details you'd never noticed before now impossible to ignore.
There was the morning after, when you'd emerged from your bedroom to find him doing push-ups in the living room, body moving with controlled power, the muscles in his back shifting beneath his thin t-shirt with each precise movement. You'd frozen in the hallway, coffee mug clutched in white-knuckled fingers as you counted along silentlyâforty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nineâuntil he finally rolled to his feet in one fluid motion. A strange flutter rippled through your stomach at the sight, but you pushed it down immediately. This was Hajime, for god's sake. The same Hajime who'd eaten dirt on a dare when you were eight, who'd thrown up in your mom's hydrangea bushes after your first attempt at making cookies resulted in severe food poisoning. There was absolutely no reason for your heart to suddenly kick against your ribs just because he could do a lot of push-ups.
"Morning," he'd grunted, using the bottom of his shirt to wipe sweat from his face, momentarily exposing a stretch of tanned abdomen. You forced your eyes away, confused by the urge to keep staring. "You sleep okay?"
You'd mumbled something noncommittal, retreating to the kitchen before your brain could continue its bizarre malfunction. Probably just tired. Or hungry. Or both.
Then there was the incident with the jar three days laterâa stubborn pickle jar with a lid that refused to budge despite your increasingly frustrated efforts. You'd been about to resort to running it under hot water when Hajime wandered in, drawn by your muttered curses. Without a word, he'd taken it from your hands, his fingers brushing against yours in a contact that sent an unexpected jolt through your system. He'd twisted the lid off with one easy motion, not even the slightest strain showing on his face as the vacuum seal gave way with a soft pop.
"Thanks," you'd managed, trying not to stare at his hands. Had they always been that large? That capable-looking? You'd seen those hands nearly every day for the past twenty years, and yet suddenly they seemed like they belonged to a stranger. A man, not the boy you'd grown up with. The thought made you strangely light-headed.
"You okay?" he'd asked, interrupting your confused spiral.
"Fine," you'd said quickly, snatching the jar back and turning away. Just a weird mood. That's all it was. You'd get over it.
But you didn't get over it. If anything, this strange new awareness of Hajimeâof his physical presence, his strength, the sheer masculine energy he exuded without seeming to realize itâonly intensified as the days passed. You found yourself noticing things you'd never paid attention to before: the way his throat worked when he swallowed, the rough calluses on his palms when his hand accidentally brushed yours, the way his t-shirts stretched across his shoulders, evidence of years of rigorous athletic training.
The breaking point came a week after the Kitchen Incident, when you'd returned home from a study session to find Hajime in the bathroom, crouched down in front of the sink, wrench in hand as he worked on a leaky faucet. He hadn't heard you come in, too focused on the task at hand, giving you an uninterrupted view of him from the doorway. He wore a simple white tank top that had seen better days, thin with washing and clinging to the muscles of his back where sweat had made it transparent. His jeans rode low on his hips as he leaned forward, exposing a strip of tanned skin and the waistband of his black boxer briefs. His arm flexed as he turned the wrench, the muscles shifting beneath his skin with controlled power that made your mouth suddenly dry.
You'd stood there, frozen in the hallway, watching as he worked, completely unaware of your presence or the effect he was having on you. Water dripped from the pipe onto his forearm, trailing down to his wrist in a meandering path that your eyes followed with inexplicable intensity. A bead of sweat rolled down the back of his neck, disappearing beneath the collar of his tank top, and you had the sudden, intrusive urge to trace its path with your tongue, to taste the salt of his skin, toâ
The thought had jolted you out of your trance, shocking in its suddenness and clarity. What the fuck was wrong with you? This was Hajime. Your best friend. The boy who'd pushed you on the swings and shared his lunch when you forgot yours and sat with you in the nurse's office when you had your first period at school and were too embarrassed to call your mom. You didn't think about licking his skin or touching him orâGodâanything else your suddenly deranged brain was suggesting.
You'd backed away silently, retreating to your room before he could notice you, closing the door and leaning against it as you tried to understand what was happening to you. It was just stress, you'd decided. The pressure of university, of being away from home for the first time, of adjusting to this new life in Tokyo. That had to be it. There was no other explanation for why you'd suddenly started noticing your childhood friend in ways that made your skin feel too tight and your heart beat too fast.
Denial, it turned out, was a surprisingly effective coping mechanismâat least for a while. You managed to convince yourself that your heightened awareness of Hajime was just a phase, a temporary blip that would resolve itself if you just ignored it hard enough. You avoided being alone with him when possible, kept physical contact to a minimum, and desperately tried not to notice things like the way his hair fell across his forehead when he leaned over his textbooks or how his voice dropped to a lower register when he was tired.
But then came the heatwaveâa brutally hot Saturday in early November, one of those freakish late-autumn days where summer seemed to have returned with a vengeance, the temperature soaring into the high eighties despite the changing leaves. You'd spent the morning at the library, studying for upcoming exams in the blessed air conditioning, but eventually hunger had driven you home despite the heat that hit you like a physical wall when you stepped outside.
The apartment was quiet when you entered, the only sound the distant hum of traffic from the street below and the soft whirring of the standing fan in the corner of the living room. You called out a greeting that went unanswered as you kicked off your shoes, dropping your bag by the door with a heavy thud.
"Hajime?" The apartment wasn't largeâif he was home, he should have heard you. Perhaps he'd gone out, though his running shoes remained in their usual haphazard position by the door.
Movement caught your eye through the glass door leading to the small balconyâa flash of bare skin in the sunlight. You moved closer, curiosity drawing you forward, and then stopped dead, your breath catching in your throat at the sight that greeted you.
Hajime lay stretched out on a towel on the balcony floor, wearing nothing but a pair of black athletic shorts that rode high on his powerful thighs. His chest was bare, absolutely drenched in sweat that made his skin gleam in the harsh afternoon sun, the defined muscles of his abdomen rising and falling with each slow breath. The dusting of dark hair across his chest was visible now, damp with sweat and trailing down to his navel before thickening into a more defined path that disappeared beneath the waistband of his shorts. His small brown nipples were hard, either from the heat or the light breeze that occasionally stirred the heavy air, the contrast against his tanned skin making your mouth water in a way that shocked even you. A smaller towel was draped across his face, presumably to block the sunlight, leaving him unaware of your presence as you stood frozen in the doorway, eyes wide and heart hammering against your ribs.
He was magnificentâraw masculinity on display, unfiltered and unself-conscious in a way that made your knees weak and your core throb with sudden, undeniable want. Those shorts left absolutely nothing to the imagination, plastered to his body by sweat and revealing the substantial outline of what could only be his cock, thick and heavy even in its relaxed state. You couldn't tear your eyes away from it, from the clear shape visible through the thin, sweat-soaked fabric, your brain immediately supplying vivid imagery of what it might look like freed from those shorts, how it would feel in your hand, your mouth, between your thighs.
'Fuck,' your inner voice whispered, no longer interested in denial or pretense. 'Look at that bulge. He's fucking huge. I knew it, I fucking knew he'd be hung like that. I bet he could split me in half with that thing and I'd thank him for it.'
You should move. You should turn around, go back inside, pretend you'd never seen thisâHajime splayed out like an offering, all that strength rendered momentarily vulnerable in unconscious repose. But your feet remained rooted to the spot, your eyes greedily devouring details you'd never allow yourself to linger on if he were awake: the sharp cut of his hipbones above the waistband of his shorts, the way his throat worked as he swallowed unconsciously, the trail of hair that you suddenly, desperately wanted to follow with your tongue, from his chest all the way down to where it disappeared beneath his shorts, to take his cock in your mouth andâ
'Jesus Christ, I need therapy,' your brain supplied, even as your body throbbed with want so intense it was almost painful. 'Or I need to get laid. By him. Right now. On this balcony. I don't even care if the neighbors see. They should see. Everyone should see what a fucking god he is.'
The towel shifted, and your heart stopped as Hajime's hand moved to push it up slightly, revealing the strong line of his jaw, the curve of his mouth. You were caught, deer in headlights, unable to move or speak or do anything but stare with undisguised hunger at the feast laid out before you.
"That you?" His voice was rough, whether from sleep or the heat impossible to tell. "Thought you'd be gone longer."
"Just got back," you managed, impressed at how normal your voice sounded when your internal monologue had devolved into a stream of 'fuck me fuck me please just fuck me until I can't walk straight, bend me over right here, I don't care, I'll take that monster cock any way you want to give it to me.'
He pushed the towel off entirely now, squinting up at you against the brightness of the sun. Sweat gleamed on his forehead, in the hollow of his throat, along the ridges of his abdomen. A drop rolled slowly down his chest, following the line of dark hair downward, and you tracked its progress with an intensity that bordered on obsession.
'Fuck, I don't care how sweaty he is, I'd lick every drop off him like it's the best thing I've ever tasted,' you thought wildly. 'I'd clean him better than any shower could, get on my knees and worship every inch of that body with my tongue until he couldn't take it anymore and had to fuck my throat just to shut me up.'
"You okay?" Hajime propped himself up on his elbows, brow furrowing in concern, the movement causing his abdominal muscles to flex and contract in a way that made your mouth water. "You look weird again. Is it the heat?"
Oh, it was heat alrightâthe heat of your cunt practically dripping at the sight of him, the heat of imagining those big hands spreading your thighs wide, those fingers pushing inside you, that mouth on your neck, your breasts, between your legs, that cock stretching you open so good you'd see stars.
"I'm fine," you said, the lie coming easily after weeks of practice. "Just a little warm."
He grunted, unconvinced as always by your increasingly transparent falsehoods. "Grab some water. You look like you're about to pass out."
'I'm about to cream my fucking pants is what I'm about to do,' you thought hysterically. 'One good look at that dick print and I'm ready to let you ruin my life, destroy my pussy, leave me a whimpering mess begging for more. I'd let you cum on my face and use it as a fucking face mask, I swear to god.'
"Good idea," you said, impressed by your own self-control when your entire body felt like it was on fire, your underwear embarrassingly damp just from looking at him. "You want some too?"
He nodded, still watching you with that slight furrow between his brows, the one that appeared whenever he was trying to solve a particularly challenging problem. You were the problem now, your strange behavior these past weeks, the way you flinched when he touched you, the flush that seemed permanently etched on your cheeks whenever he was near.
You retreated to the kitchen on unsteady legs, pressing your thighs together as you walked in a vain attempt to alleviate the ache between them. This couldn't continue. You couldn't keep living like this, constantly on edge, constantly fighting this new awareness of him, this hunger that threatened to consume you from the inside out. Something had to give.
But as you filled two glasses with cold water, hands trembling slightly, you knew with absolute certainty that it wouldn't be today. Today you would bring him water, you would make normal conversation, you would retreat to your room and shove your face into your pillow to muffle the sounds as you fucked yourself with your fingers, imagining it was his cock inside you, his voice in your ear telling you how tight you were, how good you felt, how he was going to fill you up with his cum until it dripped down your thighs.
And tomorrow? Tomorrow you would do it all again, trapped in this exquisite torture of wanting what had once been the most familiar, comfortable relationship in your lifeânow transformed into something dangerous, thrilling, and entirely out of your control.
Days passed in a haze of unrelenting sexual frustration following the balcony incident. You'd managed to hand Hajime his water that day, maintaining a facade of normalcy while your internal monologue screamed obscenities that would make a sailor blush. The pattern had continuedâyou going about your daily life pretending everything was fine while your mind supplied increasingly explicit scenarios involving your childhood friend, his massive cock, and various surfaces of your shared apartment.
Tonight was no different, the clock on your laptop reading 7:48 PM as you attempted to focus on an assignment due the following week. The apartment had been quiet for hours, Hajime still at practice, giving you a brief reprieve from the constant torment of his presence. You'd almost managed to trick yourself into believing you could be productive, that you could think about something other than what Hajime would look like naked and sweaty above you, when the sound of the front door opening shattered your concentration.
His footsteps in the hallway were immediately differentâslower, heavier, with a slight drag that wasn't typical of his usual confident stride. You looked up from your laptop as he appeared in the doorway to your room, his face drawn in a grimace that set alarm bells ringing in your head.
"What's wrong?" you asked, immediately closing your laptop and giving him your full attention. Despite the constant state of arousal he unknowingly kept you in, he was still your best friend, and the obvious discomfort on his face pushed all lustful thoughts temporarily aside.
"Pulled something during practice," he muttered, leaning against the doorframe with one hand pressed to his upper thigh. Even in pain, he managed to look devastatingly attractive, his hair damp with sweat and his practice clothes clinging to his body in a way that highlighted every defined muscle. "Coach says it's just a strain, but it hurts like a bitch."
Your eyes were drawn to where his hand pressed against his thigh, just below where his athletic shorts ended. The muscle there was tensed visibly, and without thinking, you blurted out, "I could massage it for you."
The words hung in the air between you, and for a split second, panic seized your chest. What the fuck were you thinking? Offering to put your hands on his thigh when you could barely look at him without imagining riding his face? But before you could retract the offer, Hajime's expression shifted from surprise to relief.
"Would you? Coach showed us how to do it, but it's awkward to reach properly myself." He straightened from the doorframe, wincing slightly as he put weight on the affected leg. "It's my hamstring, upper inner thigh. Guess I pushed too hard during sprints."
Your mouth went dry at his casual description. Upper inner thigh. Which meant your hands would be inches from hisâNo. Focus. He was in pain, and he needed your help. This was what friends did for each other. It didn't matter that your heart was suddenly racing, that heat was pooling between your legs at the mere thought of touching him so intimately. You were an adult. You could handle this.
"Sure," you managed, aiming for nonchalance and probably missing by a mile. "Come sit down." You patted the edge of your bed after you put your laptop away, the only suitable surface in the room besides your desk chair, which was too small and awkward for what you'd need to do.
Hajime crossed to the bed with that same slight limp, the discomfort evident in the tightness around his eyes. He sat heavily on the edge of your mattress, the familiar weight of him causing the bed to dip, sending a cascade of memories through your mindâhow many times had he sat exactly like this over the years? How many times had you shared this same casual intimacy without a second thought? And now, your heart was pounding like you were about to jump out of an airplane rather than help your injured friend.
"I, uh, need to..." He gestured vaguely at his shorts, a slight flush creeping up his neck. "To get proper access to the muscle."
"Right," you said, your voice embarrassingly high. "Of course."
With a grunt of discomfort, Hajime stood long enough to push his athletic shorts down his legs, revealing black boxer briefs that clung to his muscular thighs and, more distressingly, did absolutely nothing to hide the substantial bulge at his groin. You forced your eyes away from it, focusing instead on the clearly tensed muscle of his upper thigh, where a slight redness indicated the strained area.
He sat back down, now wearing nothing but his t-shirt and those obscenely tight boxer briefs, his legs slightly spread to accommodate the injury. "Coach said firm pressure in circular motions, working from the knee up. But not too hard right on the strain itself."
You nodded, not trusting your voice, and moved to kneel on the floor between his spread legs. This was fine. This was normal. This was just you helping your injured friend, not you positioning yourself at eye-level with his crotch, close enough to feel the heat radiating from his skin, to smell the clean sweat and masculine scent that was uniquely Hajime.
"Tell me if I press too hard," you said, placing your hands tentatively on his knee, feeling the coarse hair that covered his legs against your palms. His skin was hot to the touch, almost feverish, though whether from the injury or just his naturally high body temperature, you couldn't tell.
You began the massage gently, working your thumbs in small circles just above his knee, feeling the dense muscle beneath your fingers. Hajime was solid everywhere, the result of years of rigorous training, not an ounce of softness to be found. You worked methodically upward, applying gradually increasing pressure as you moved toward the strained area, focusing intently on the task at hand rather than on how close your hands were getting to the edge of his boxer briefs, to the place where his thigh met hisâ
"That's good," Hajime murmured, his voice lower than usual, slightly rough at the edges. "A little higher."
You swallowed hard and obeyed, moving your hands further up his thigh, your thumbs now pressing into the sensitive inner portion where the strain was located. This close, you could see where the hem of his boxer briefs had ridden up slightly, exposing more of his tanned skin. You could also see, no matter how hard you tried not to look, the unmistakable outline of his cock through the thin fabric, seemingly thicker than it had been a few minutes ago.
'He's getting hard from this,' your brain helpfully pointed out, sending a jolt of heat straight between your legs. 'Your hands on his thigh are making his cock hard. Imagine what would happen if you moved your hands just a little higher, slipped them under the fabric, wrapped your fingers aroundâ'
"Harder," Hajime said, breaking into your increasingly inappropriate thoughts. "The muscle's really tight."
You bit your lip and increased the pressure, working your thumbs more firmly into the tense muscle. A small sound escaped himâsomething between a grunt and a groanâand the noise shot straight to your core, your cunt clenching around nothing as your brain immediately categorized it as one of the hottest things you'd ever heard.
"That hurts?" you asked, easing the pressure slightly, trying desperately to maintain some semblance of normal friendly concern.
"No," he said quickly, "It's good. It hurts in a good way. Don't stop."
Don't stop. The words echoed in your head, your imagination immediately supplying a very different context for themâHajime above you, inside you, his voice rough as he told you not to stop, to keep going, to take all of himâ
You realized your thumbs had stilled and resumed the massage, working the tense muscle with more confidence now. Hajime leaned back slightly, bracing himself on his hands, his head dropping back as another low groan escaped him. The position stretched his t-shirt across his chest, highlighting the defined muscles beneath, and caused his abs to contract visibly. The sight made your mouth water, your body responding with a rush of heat and dampness between your thighs.
"That's... really helping," he murmured, eyes closed now, completely unaware of the effect he was having on you. "A little higher, right where it connects... yeah, there."
Your hands were now mere centimeters from the edge of his boxer briefs, your thumbs pressing into the incredibly sensitive juncture where thigh met groin. You could feel the heat of him, the strength in the muscle even as it remained tense under your ministrations. And you could see, no matter how much you tried to be professional about this, that his cock was definitely hardening, the outline becoming more pronounced against the black fabric.
Suddenly, Hajime shifted, dropping from his seated position to lie flat on your bed, one arm coming up to drape across his eyes as he stretched his legs out more fully. "Sorry," he mumbled, "sitting was making it worse. Is this okay?"
It was more than okay. It was the stuff of your recent fantasiesâHajime sprawled across your bed, his powerful body on display, his legs spread to accommodate you between them. The new position pulled his boxer briefs even tighter across his groin, leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. He was definitely hard now, his cock creating an impressive tent in the fabric, the head of it visible as a distinct ridge beneath the tight material.
"This is fine," you managed, your voice strangled as you adjusted your position, still kneeling but now between his spread legs as he lay on your bed. You resumed the massage, working your thumbs in firm circles against the strained muscle, trying to ignore the fact that his cock was now at eye level, so close you could lean forward and mouth at it through his boxer briefs if you lost all sense of self-preservation.
Hajime made another one of those devastatingly hot soundsâa deep groan that rumbled up from his chestâas your thumbs hit a particularly tight spot. "Fuck, that's it," he murmured, the curse word falling from his lips with an ease that sent another rush of heat to your core. "Right there."
Your cunt throbbed in response to his words, to his tone, to the sight of him laid out before you like some pagan offering to the god of your sexual frustration. Without conscious thought, you shifted position, raising yourself up higher on your knees to get better leverage, one leg moving to straddle his uninjured thigh as you continued to work the knotted muscle.
In this new position, your core was pressed directly against the solid muscle of his thigh, the pressure providing a tantalizing hint of relief for the ache that had built between your legs. You hadn't intended itâor at least, you could tell yourself you hadn'tâbut now that you were here, the temptation was overwhelming. You continued the massage, your thumbs working deep into the muscle, but your focus had shifted almost entirely to the delicious pressure against your cunt, separated from his skin by only the thin fabric of your shorts and underwear.
Hajime's groans grew more frequent, deeper, as you worked the strained muscle with increasing confidence. His arm remained thrown across his eyes, blocking his vision, leaving him unaware of how you'd positioned yourself, of how your hips had begun to move in tiny, almost imperceptible circles against his thigh. The motion was so slight that you could almost pretend it wasn't happening, that you weren't essentially grinding yourself against your best friend while he lay vulnerable and in pain beneath you.
But it was happening. With each press of your thumbs into his muscle, your hips rocked slightly, dragging your clit against the firm ridge of his thigh through your clothes. The dual sensationâhis skin hot beneath your hands, his thigh solid against your coreâwas intoxicating, addictive. You found yourself pressing harder with your thumbs just to justify the increased pressure of your cunt against his leg, the massage becoming secondary to the slow, torturous pleasure building between your thighs.
You weren't even truly massaging anymore, your hands simply holding his thigh as your hips worked in increasingly blatant movements against him. Your breathing had grown heavier, your focus narrowed to the point of contact between your body and his, the rest of the world falling away as pleasure built in slow, inexorable waves. You were wetâembarrassingly soâyour arousal likely soaking through your underwear and shorts to dampen his skin, but you couldn't bring yourself to care, couldn't bring yourself to stop this illicit pleasure even knowing how wrong it was, how much it risked.
"What are you doing?"
Hajime's voice cut through the haze of arousal like a bucket of ice water. His arm was no longer covering his eyes; instead, he had raised his head, propped up on his elbows, watching you with an expression you couldn't immediately decipherâshock, certainly, but something else too, something darker and more intense that made your stomach flip.
Reality crashed back with brutal force. You were straddling his thigh, grinding yourself against him like a bitch in heat while he lay injured on your bed. Your hands had stopped any pretense of massage, instead gripping his thigh as you essentially used him to get yourself off. Mortification flooded through you, hot and overwhelming, as you realized how completely you'd lost control.
"Iâ" you started, but what could you possibly say? How could you explain this away? Your mind raced for an explanation, an excuse, anything to salvage the situation, but came up empty. There was no innocent interpretation of what you'd been doing, no way to pretend this was normal behavior between friends.
Before you could formulate a response, before you could even move off his leg, a familiar electronic chime sounded from your laptop on the deskâthe distinctive ring of an incoming video call. Tooru's custom ringtone, the one he'd set up himself the last time he'd visited, claiming it was "more dramatic" than the default.
Relief surged through you at the interruption, giving you an excuse to escape this excruciating moment. You practically leapt from Hajime's leg, scrambling toward your desk with undignified haste. "That's Tooru," you said unnecessarily, as if Hajime hadn't heard the same ringtone countless times before. "I shouldâI should get that."
"Don't," Hajime said, his voice carrying a note of command that sent an involuntary shiver down your spine despite the circumstances.
But you were already reaching for your laptop, flipping it open with trembling fingers. "He'll just keep calling if I don't answer," you said, the excuse sounding weak even to your own ears. "You know how he is."
Before Hajime could protest further, you accepted the call, Tooru's face filling the screen with his usual dramatic timing. His hair was perfectly styled despite the late hour in Argentina, his smile wide and practiced until he got a good look at your face.
"Well, don't you look flustered," he said immediately, his keen eyes missing nothing even through the screen. "What have you been up to, hmm? Your face is all red."
"Nothing," you said too quickly. "Just, um, exercising."
Tooru's eyebrows shot up, his expression shifting to one of delighted suspicion. "Exercising? In your bedroom? At eight o'clock at night?" His eyes narrowed, peering past you as if trying to see more of the room. "Where's Iwa-chan? Is he home?"
"I'm here," Hajime's voice came from behind you, still rough at the edges but controlled now, giving nothing away. He hadn't moved from your bed, still sprawled there in his underwear with a visible erection, but thankfully out of the camera's field of vision. "Just got back from practice."
Tooru's eyes lit up at the sound of Hajime's voice, his expression turning sly. "Oh? And why aren't you on camera, Iwa-chan? Hiding something?"
"None of your business, Shittykawa," Hajime growled, the familiar insult falling from his lips with practiced ease despite the charged atmosphere in the room.
Tooru gasped dramatically, hand flying to his chest in feigned offense. "So mean, Iwa-chan! And here I am, calling from across the world just to check on my two favorite people." His gaze shifted back to you, shrewd and calculating despite his playful tone. "You're being suspiciously quiet. Both of you are. What were you doing before I called?"
"Nothing," you repeated, knowing you sounded guilty but unable to come up with anything more convincing. "Hajime pulled a muscle at practice. I was just helping him with it."
"Helping him with it," Tooru repeated slowly, his lips curving into a knowing smirk. "I see. And how exactly were you 'helping' him with his... muscle?"
Before you could stammer out another unconvincing denial, you heard the bed shift behind you, and then Hajime was there, his presence solid and unmistakable at your back, still out of the camera's view but close enough that you could feel the heat radiating from his body.
"Hang up," he said quietly, his voice pitched low enough that Tooru couldn't hear, his breath warm against your ear, raising goosebumps along your neck. "Now."
You ignored him, focusing on Tooru instead, desperation making you cling to this lifeline of normalcy, this barrier between you and the conversation you were definitely not ready to have with Hajime. "How's Argentina?" you asked brightly, your voice unnaturally high. "Tell us everything. How's your team? Your apartment? Have you tried that restaurant you mentioned last time?"
Tooru opened his mouth to answer, still looking suspicious but seemingly willing to play along, when you felt Hajime's hand on your thigh. Not your knee, not your calf, but high on your thigh, his fingers splayed wide, nearly spanning the width of it with his palm. The touch was deliberate, possessive in a way that made your breath catch, your words dying in your throat as his hand began to move slowly upward, pushing beneath the loose fabric of your shorts.
"Hang up," Hajime repeated, his voice firmer now, an unmistakable command that made your stomach flip and your core throb with renewed arousal. "Or I'll hang up for you."
His fingers continued their upward path, now brushing against the edge of your underwear, so close to where you were embarrassingly wet, where you had been grinding yourself against his thigh just minutes ago. The touch was a clear escalation, a deliberate crossing of the line you'd already blurred with your actions.
"Are you even listening to me?" Tooru's voice cut through your distraction, his head tilted in confusion at your obvious lack of attention. "What's going on over there? You're acting weird. Both of you."
Hajime's fingers slipped beneath the elastic of your underwear without warning, sliding easily through the slick evidence of your arousal to find your clit with unerring accuracy. The contact was electric, pulling a small gasp from your lips before you could stop it, your body jerking slightly in response.
"Are you okay?" Tooru asked, leaning closer to the screen, his brow furrowed in concern that quickly shifted to suspicion as his eyes narrowed. "Wait a minute. Where exactly is Iwa-chan right now? And why did you make that noise?"
Hajime's fingers didn't still at Tooru's questions, instead beginning to move in slow, deliberate circles against your clit, spreading your wetness, building a pleasure so intense it took everything in you not to moan out loud. His other hand came to rest on your shoulder, keeping you in place as he continued his torturous ministrations, his body a solid wall of heat at your back.
"Iâ" you started, but whatever excuse you might have formed died as Hajime slid a thick finger inside you, the intrusion so sudden and so perfect that your eyes threatened to roll back in your head. "Tooru, I shouldâI need to go."
Understanding dawned on Tooru's face, his eyes widening comically before a shit-eating grin spread across his features. "Oh my god," he said, voice rising with glee. "Oh my GOD. He's touching you right now, isn't he? That's why you're making those faces. That's why he's not on camera." He clapped his hands together in delight. "I knew it! I KNEW IT! You two are fucking!"
"We're notâ" you began automatically, but Hajime chose that moment to curl his finger inside you, hitting a spot that made your words dissolve into a choked sound that could not possibly be mistaken for anything other than pleasure.
"Goodbye, Oikawa," Hajime said, his voice a low rumble that vibrated through your body where he pressed against your back. Without waiting for a response, he reached around you with his free handâthe one not currently buried between your legsâand ended the call with a decisive click, closing the laptop with perhaps more force than necessary.
The sudden silence in the room was deafening, broken only by the sound of your rapid breathing and the obscene wetness of Hajime's finger still moving inside you, joined now by a second that stretched you further, making you bite your lip to hold back a moan.
"Now," he said, his mouth right against your ear, voice deeper than you'd ever heard it, "we're going to talk about what you were doing on my leg. About how fucking wet you are right now. About how long you've been wanting this." His fingers thrust deeper, emphasizing his words, making your back arch involuntarily. "But first, I'm going to make you come. Because I don't think you can focus on anything else right now, can you?"
The question hung in the air between you, not truly requiring an answer when your body was already providing oneâin the way your inner walls clenched around his fingers, in the flood of wetness coating his knuckles, in the small, helpless sounds escaping your throat with each precise movement of his hand. You couldn't focus on anything beyond the overwhelming sensations he was creating, your world narrowed to the points of contact between his body and yoursâhis chest pressed against your back, his breath hot against your neck, his fingers buried deep inside your cunt, stretching you in a way that your own never could.
"Hajime," you gasped, the syllables of his name fractured by the pleasure building inside you. His thumb found your clit, rubbing slow circles with devastating accuracy, as if he'd been studying your body for years rather than touching you intimately for the first time. Perhaps he had been studying you, noticing things about your responses that even you weren't aware of, the same way you'd recently begun cataloging every detail of his physicality with obsessive precision.
"That's it," he murmured, his voice a low rumble that vibrated through your body where he pressed against you. "Let me hear you. Let me feel how much you want this." His fingers curled inside you, finding that spot that made fireworks explode behind your eyelids, pressure building at the base of your spine with each deliberate stroke. "You've been driving me fucking crazy for weeks, you know that? Walking around in those little shorts, watching me when you think I'm not looking, those sounds you make in your room at night when you think I can't hear you through the wall."
Your eyes flew open at that, mortification flooding through you at the realization that he'd heard youâheard the muffled moans you couldn't quite contain as you touched yourself in the darkness, imagining it was his hands, his mouth, his cock bringing you to release. But the embarrassment was quickly overwhelmed by a fresh wave of arousal at the knowledge that he'd been listening, that he'd known all along what you were doing, who you were thinking about.
"You think I couldn't tell it was my name you were saying?" he continued, his fingers never slowing their relentless rhythm inside you. "Think I couldn't hear you begging for my cock through that thin fucking wall?" His teeth grazed your earlobe, the slight pain a counterpoint to the pleasure building between your thighs. "I've been hard for you for so long I thought I was going to lose my mind. And then today, feeling you grinding on my leg like you couldn't help yourself, seeing how desperate you were for meâfuck, I almost came in my underwear like a fucking teenager."
The image his words conjuredâHajime so turned on by your mindless rutting against his thigh that he nearly lost controlâsent a fresh surge of wetness around his fingers, your clit throbbing almost painfully against his thumb as tension coiled tighter in your core.
"Hajime, I'mâ" you couldn't finish the sentence, your words dissolving into a high, keening sound as he added a third finger, the stretch bordering on too much yet somehow exactly what you needed. Your thighs began to tremble, heat spreading through your lower body in waves that threatened to consume you entirely.
"I know," he growled, his voice strained with the effort of his own restraint. "I can feel it. You're getting tighter, wetter. Your little cunt is squeezing my fingers so hard, I can only imagine how good it's going to feel around my cock." His thumb pressed more firmly against your clit, circling with precise, relentless pressure. "Come for me. Now."
Your body obeyed as if it had been waiting for his command, release crashing over you with an intensity that bordered on violence. Your back arched sharply, a cry tearing from your throat as your inner walls clamped down on his fingers in rhythmic pulses, wetness gushing around his hand in a way that would have embarrassed you if you had any capacity for shame left. The orgasm seemed to go on forever, wave after wave of pleasure radiating outward from your core, leaving you limp and trembling in its wake.
As the intensity began to ebb, Hajime carefully withdrew his fingers, the loss making you whimper despite your oversensitivity. He turned you slowly to face him, and for the first time since he'd touched you, you could see his expression clearlyâpupils blown wide with desire, jaw clenched tight with the effort of restraint, a flush high on his cheekbones that spoke of how affected he was by what had just happened.
He brought his hand to his mouthâthe hand that had just been inside youâand deliberately, maintaining eye contact the entire time, sucked his fingers clean, tasting your arousal with a low groan that sent aftershocks of pleasure rippling through your still-sensitive body.
"Fuck, you taste good," he said, the crudeness of the words at odds with the almost reverent tone in which he delivered them. "Been wondering about that for longer than I should admit."
You stared at him, brain struggling to process the radical shift in your relationship, the fact that Hajimeâyour Hajime, your childhood friend, your roommateâhad just made you come harder than you ever had in your life and was now telling you he'd been fantasizing about how you tasted. It seemed impossible, like a particularly vivid dream your sex-starved brain had conjured after weeks of unfulfilled longing.
"How long?" you finally managed, your voice hoarse, as if you'd been screaming though you were fairly certain you hadn't been that loud.
"How long what?" he asked, his hand coming to rest on your thigh, the touch possessive in a way that made your stomach flip pleasantly. "How long have I wanted to taste you? Touch you? Fuck you until you can't remember your own name?" His thumb traced small circles on your inner thigh, dangerously close to where you were still sensitive and wet from your orgasm. "All of the above, probably longer than you've been wanting the same things from me."
"I thoughtâ" you began, then stopped, unsure how to articulate the weeks of confused desire, the certainty that your sudden awareness of him as a sexual being was one-sided, that acting on it would destroy your friendship.
"You thought what?" he prompted, his other hand coming up to cup your cheek, surprisingly gentle given the intensity of what had just transpired between you. "That I didn't notice how you looked at me? That I didn't want you just as badly? That thisâ" he gestured between you, encompassing the electric tension that had been building for weeks, "âwas all in your head?"
You nodded mutely, leaning into his touch like a cat seeking affection, your body still humming with residual pleasure and the building anticipation of what might come next.
"I've wanted you for years," he said quietly, the confession falling between you like a stone in still water, ripples of implication spreading outward. "Not just like thisâthough fuck knows I've thought about it enough to fill several lifetimesâbut all of you. Every part. The good, the bad, the fucking infuriating parts that make me want to shake you sometimes." His thumb brushed across your lower lip, his eyes tracking the movement with hungry intensity. "I just never thought you saw me that way. Not until recently, when something changed. When you started looking at me like you wanted to devour me whole."
"The kitchen," you murmured, understanding dawning. "That night with the broken glass. That's when it started for me. When I saw you differently."
A small smile played at the corners of his mouth, not the full grin that transformed his face but something softer, more private. "I wondered what had happened. One day we were fine, normal, and the next you were jumping every time I touched you, staring at me when you thought I wouldn't notice, taking suspiciously long showers after I'd been working out in the living room."
Heat flooded your cheeks at how transparent you'd apparently been, how obvious your sudden desire had been to the very object of that desire. "You lifted me onto the counter like I weighed nothing," you explained, the memory still vivid, still capable of sending heat pooling between your legs despite the powerful orgasm you'd just experienced. "You just... took control. And suddenly all I could think about was your hands on me, your strength, how easily you couldâ" You broke off, embarrassment finally catching up with you.
"How easily I could what?" he pressed, his voice dropping lower, rougher, his hand on your thigh inching higher, sending sparks of renewed arousal through your oversensitive body. "Tell me. I want to hear exactly what you've been thinking about."
The command in his voice was impossible to resist, breaking down the last of your inhibitions. "How easily you could hold me down," you admitted, the words coming faster now, tumbling over each other in their rush to be spoken. "Pin me against the wall, the bed, the floorâanywhere. How strong you are, how big your hands are, how they'd feel on my skin, inside me, how your cock would feel stretching me open, filling me up until I couldn't take anymoreâ"
Your words cut off as Hajime surged forward, his mouth capturing yours in a kiss that was nothing like the tentative first kisses you'd imagined during your more romantic fantasies. This was raw, hungry, desperateâteeth clashing, his tongue immediately seeking entrance which you granted without hesitation, his hand moving from your cheek to tangle in your hair, holding you exactly where he wanted you as he devoured your mouth with single-minded intensity.
You responded with equal fervor, weeks of pent-up desire finally finding an outlet as your hands clutched at his shoulders, his chest, anywhere you could reach, greedy for the contact you'd been denying yourself. He tasted faintly of youâa reminder of what he'd done moments agoâmixed with something uniquely him, a flavor you immediately knew you'd never get enough of.
When he finally broke the kiss, you were both breathing hard, his forehead resting against yours, his hand still tangled in your hair, grip just tight enough to send little sparks of pleasure-pain across your scalp.
"I'm going to fuck you now," he said, the crude statement delivered with such matter-of-fact certainty that a fresh wave of arousal flooded between your thighs. "Unless you tell me to stop. Unless this isn't what you want."
"I want it," you assured him immediately, no hesitation, no doubt. "I want you. Please, Hajime."
The plea in your voice seemed to snap something in him, the last thread of his restraint giving way. He stood, pulling you up with him in one fluid motion, his hands moving to your waist as he lifted you bodilyâjust as he had that night in the kitchen, but with far different intentions now. Your legs wrapped around his hips instinctively, your core pressing against the hard length of his cock through the thin fabric of his boxer briefs and your shorts, the contact making you both groan.
He carried you to the bed with the same effortless strength that had started this whole chain of events, laying you down with surprising gentleness given the obvious urgency of his desire. He stood at the edge of the bed, looking down at you with an expression that made your breath catchâhunger, yes, but also something deeper, more complex, a tenderness that belied the crude words and actions that had preceded this moment.
"Take off your clothes," he said, the command softened by the slight tremor in his voice, the way his eyes roamed your body as if he couldn't quite believe this was happening. "I want to see all of you."
You complied without hesitation, sitting up to pull your t-shirt over your head, revealing the simple cotton bra beneathânothing fancy or seductive, not something you'd worn with the expectation of anyone seeing it. But the way Hajime's eyes darkened at the sight, his throat working as he swallowed hard, made you feel as desirable as if you'd been wearing the most expensive lingerie.
Your shorts and underwear followed, already damp from your earlier activities, leaving you in just your bra. Before you could reach behind to unclasp it, Hajime was there, his weight dipping the mattress as he knelt beside you, his hands replacing yours.
"Let me," he murmured, deftly unhooking the clasp and sliding the straps down your arms, his calloused fingers leaving trails of fire on your skin wherever they touched. When the last piece of clothing was removed, he sat back slightly, eyes roaming your naked body with undisguised appreciation, taking in every curve, every imperfection you'd normally be self-conscious about but couldn't find it in yourself to worry over when he was looking at you like you were the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.
"Your turn," you said, finding your voice despite the vulnerability of being completely exposed while he remained partially clothed. "Fair's fair."
A small smirk played at the corners of his mouth as he pulled his t-shirt over his head in one smooth motion, revealing the torso you'd been obsessing over for weeksâbroad shoulders tapering to a narrow waist, defined pectoral muscles dusted with dark hair, abs that flexed unconsciously as he moved, the trail of hair leading down from his navel disappearing beneath the waistband of his boxer briefs. The sight was familiar from your recent observations yet somehow more overwhelming now, knowing you were allowed to look, to touch, to taste.
He stood to remove his boxer briefs, pushing them down his powerful thighs and stepping out of them with an athlete's grace. His cock sprang free, hard and thick and intimidating in its sizeâlarger than you'd imagined even in your most optimistic fantasies, the head flushed dark and already leaking pre-cum, a bead of it glistening at the tip. Your mouth watered at the sight, your body clenching around emptiness in anticipation of being filled by him.
"See something you like?" he asked, the cockiness of the question belied by the slight uncertainty in his eyes, a reminder that for all his confidence, this was new territory for him tooâthis crossing of boundaries, this transformation of friendship into something else entirely.
"Everything," you admitted, no room for artifice or games between you after what you'd already shared. "I like everything I see."
The simple honesty seemed to touch something in him, his expression softening for a brief moment before hunger took over once more. He moved onto the bed fully now, nudging your legs apart to kneel between them, his hands running up your thighs in a touch that was both possessive and reverent.
"I've thought about this so many times," he murmured, his thumbs tracing the creases where your thighs met your hips, dangerously close to where you were wet and aching for him. "Having you spread out under me like this. Seeing all of you. Touching you wherever I want." His hands moved higher, skimming over your stomach, your ribs, finally cupping your breasts with a gentleness that contrasted sharply with the intensity in his eyes. "You're even more beautiful than I imagined."
The compliment sent warmth flooding through you that had nothing to do with sexual arousal and everything to do with the man delivering itâHajime, who had never been free with praise, who showed his affection through actions rather than words, now looking at you like you were something precious and telling you you were beautiful.
His thumbs brushed over your nipples, drawing them into tight peaks, the sensation shooting straight to your core. You arched into his touch, a soft moan escaping your lips as he leaned down to replace one thumb with his mouth, hot and wet as he sucked the sensitive bud between his lips. His tongue circled your nipple with deliberate pressure, teeth grazing lightly in a way that walked the perfect line between pleasure and pain.
"Hajime," you gasped, hands coming up to tangle in his hair, holding him against your breast as he continued his ministrations, switching to the other side to ensure both received equal attention. "Please, I needâ"
"What do you need?" he asked, raising his head to meet your gaze, his hair mussed where your fingers had clutched it, his lips slightly swollen from his attentions to your body. "Tell me. I want to hear you say it."
"I need you inside me," you said, beyond embarrassment, beyond anything but the desperate desire to feel him filling you, stretching you, completing the connection that had been building between you for weeksâperhaps years, if his earlier confession was to be believed. "Please, Hajime. I need your cock. Now."
A low growl rumbled from his chest at your words, his eyes darkening with renewed hunger. "Fuck, the mouth on you," he muttered, shifting his position to align himself with your entrance, the blunt head of his cock pressing against your slick folds. "Been dreaming of hearing you say filthy things like that."
He rubbed himself against you, coating his length in your wetness, the friction against your sensitive clit making you writhe beneath him, seeking more pressure, more friction, more of him. When he finally began to push inside, the stretch was immediate and intenseâhe was big, bigger than anyone you'd been with before, his girth forcing your body to accommodate him inch by agonizing inch.
"Fuck," he hissed, his jaw clenched tight with the effort of restraint, sweat beading on his forehead as he fought the urge to thrust forward all at once. "You're so tight. So fucking perfect." He paused when only the head was inside, giving you time to adjust. "You okay? Not hurting you?"
The concern in his voice, the fact that he was checking on you even while clearly struggling with his own control, made something warm bloom in your chest. "I'm good," you assured him, hands running up his arms to his shoulders, feeling the tension in his muscles as he held himself above you. "Just... go slow. It's been a while."
He nodded, understanding without needing further explanation, and resumed his careful entry, pushing forward with exquisite slowness, retreating slightly before pressing deeper each time, working himself into you with a patience that must have cost him dearly given the tightness of his expression, the trembling in his arms as he braced himself above you.
When he was finally seated fully inside you, both of you were breathing hard, adjusting to the overwhelming sensation of being so intimately connected. He was deep, deeper than you'd thought possible, filling you so completely that you felt stretched to your limits, hovering on that exquisite edge between pleasure and discomfort.
"You feelâ" he began, then broke off, apparently unable to find words adequate to describe the sensation. Instead, he leaned down to capture your mouth in a kiss that was surprisingly tender given the circumstances, his tongue tangling with yours as he remained motionless inside you, giving you time to adjust to his size.
The kiss deepened, grew hungrier as your body gradually relaxed around him, the initial discomfort fading into a growing need for movement, for friction. You shifted beneath him, tilting your hips in a silent plea that he immediately understood, breaking the kiss to meet your gaze as he slowly withdrew almost completely before pushing back in with a controlled thrust that hit places inside you that made your vision blur at the edges.
"More," you gasped, hands clutching at his shoulders, nails digging into the firm muscle there. "Hajime, please, more."
He complied, setting a pace that was measured at firstâlong, deep strokes that allowed you to feel every inch of him as he withdrew and pushed back in, his eyes never leaving your face, watching for any sign of discomfort. But as your body opened for him more fully, as your moans grew louder and more desperate, his control began to slip, his thrusts becoming harder, faster, more demanding.
The change in tempo drove you higher, pleasure building with each precise stroke of his cock inside you. He shifted slightly, changing the angle, and suddenly he was hitting that spot inside you that made stars explode behind your eyelids, your back arching off the bed as a particularly loud moan tore from your throat.
"There?" he asked, though the question was clearly rhetorical given your reaction. A smirk played at the corners of his mouth as he deliberately aimed for the same spot again, watching with obvious satisfaction as you writhed beneath him. "Gonna remember that. Gonna learn every inch of you, figure out exactly how to make you scream my name."
The promise in his words, the implication that this wasn't a one-time thing, that he planned to do this againâto learn your body, to perfect his knowledge of what brought you pleasureâsent a fresh wave of arousal through you, your inner walls clenching around him in a way that made him groan, his rhythm faltering momentarily.
"Fuck, do that again," he muttered, his voice strained with the effort of maintaining control. "Squeeze my cock like that again."
You did, deliberately tightening around him, watching with fascination as his eyes nearly rolled back in his head, a string of curses falling from his lips as his hips jerked forward with increased urgency. The sight of him losing control because of you, because of how your body felt around his, was intoxicating, a power you hadn't expected to have in this situation.
His hand slid between your bodies, finding your clit with unerring accuracy, circling the sensitive bundle of nerves in time with his thrusts. The dual stimulation was overwhelming, pushing you rapidly toward a second orgasm that promised to be even more intense than the first.
"Hajime, I'm close," you warned, your voice breaking on his name as tension coiled tighter in your core, heat spreading through your lower body in waves that threatened to consume you entirely.
"Me too," he admitted, his movements growing more erratic, less controlled, his breathing harsh in the quiet of the room. "Want to feel you come on my cock. Want to feel you squeeze me when you let go."
His words, combined with the relentless pressure of his fingers on your clit and the perfect angle of his thrusts, pushed you over the edge. Your orgasm crashed over you with stunning intensity, your back arching sharply off the bed, a cry tearing from your throat that might have been his name or just an incoherent sound of pleasure. Your inner walls clamped down on his cock in rhythmic pulses that seemed to go on forever, wave after wave of ecstasy radiating outward from your core.
The sensation of you coming around him was apparently too much for Hajime's already strained control. With a low, guttural groan, he thrust deep one final time, his cock pulsing inside you as he came, hot spurts of his release filling you in a way that should have concerned you but in the moment felt only rightâprimal and perfect and exactly what you both needed.
He collapsed on top of you, his weight a comforting pressure rather than a burden, his face buried in the crook of your neck as you both struggled to regain your breath. Your hands moved lazily up and down his sweat-slicked back, feeling the strong muscles there gradually relax as the intensity of your shared release ebbed, leaving behind a pleasant lassitude that made your limbs feel heavy, your mind blissfully quiet for the first time in weeks.
After what could have been minutes or hoursâtime seemed to have lost all meaning in the aftermath of what you'd just sharedâHajime raised his head, looking down at you with an expression that made your breath catch. The hunger was still there, banked but not extinguished, but it was tempered now by something softer, something that looked dangerously like tenderness, like affection deeper than mere friendship or physical desire.
"That was..." he began, then shook his head, apparently unable to find words adequate to describe what had just transpired between you.
"Yeah," you agreed, understanding perfectly despite his lack of articulation. "It really was."
A small smile played at the corners of his mouth, not the full grin that transformed his face but something more private, more intimate. He shifted his weight, carefully withdrawing from your body, both of you wincing slightly at the loss of connection. He rolled to the side but kept one arm draped across your waist, as if unwilling to lose contact entirely, his hand splayed possessively across your hip.
"We should probably talk about this," you said after a moment, gesturing vaguely between your naked bodies, the implications of what you'd done, of the lines you'd crossed.
"Probably," he agreed, though he didn't sound particularly eager to engage in a deep discussion of feelings and boundaries in the afterglow of what had been, frankly, the most intense sexual experience of your life. "But not right now."
"No?" you asked, turning your head to meet his gaze, searching for any sign of regret, of uncertainty, finding only a satiated contentment that mirrored your own.
"No," he said firmly, his hand tightening slightly on your hip, pulling you closer until your bodies were flush against each other, skin to skin from shoulder to ankle. "Right now, I'm going to hold you for a while. And then, when I've recovered enough, I'm going to fuck you again. Maybe against the wall this time, since you mentioned that particular fantasy earlier."
Heat flooded your cheeks at the reminder of your earlier confession, at the matter-of-fact way he stated his intentions, as if there was no question that this would happen, that you would continue whatever this was between you.
"And after that?" you couldn't help asking, needing some reassurance that this wasn't just a one-night release of weeks of pent-up sexual tension, that there was something more substantial underpinning the physical connection you'd just shared.
Hajime's expression softened, his free hand coming up to brush a strand of hair from your face with surprising gentleness. "After that, we'll figure it out. Together. The way we always have." He leaned in, pressing a kiss to your forehead that was achingly tender compared to the raw hunger of earlier. "I meant what I said before. I've wanted youâall of you, not just thisâfor years. That's not going to change just because we finally acted on it."
The simple honesty of his words, the quiet certainty in his voice, settled something in your chest that had been fluttering with anxiety despite the physical satisfaction still humming through your body. This was Hajime, after allâsolid, reliable Hajime who had been your constant since childhood, who showed his feelings through actions more than words, whose promise of "together" carried more weight than flowery declarations ever could.
"Okay," you said, snuggling closer to his warmth, your head finding that perfect spot on his shoulder that seemed made for you to rest against. "Together."
His arm tightened around you in response, a wordless affirmation that spoke volumes. And as you lay there, content in the aftermath of pleasure with the promise of more to come, you couldn't help but think that your mother had been right after allâpeople did change when you lived with them, revealing sides of themselves you'd never noticed before. But sometimes, that change was exactly what you needed, the final piece clicking into place in a puzzle you hadn't even realized you were solving.
đVenus in Synastry - Are They Setting You Free or Setting You Up? đ„
Note: These are all my personal observations and patterns I've noticed over the years. Take what resonates with you more and leave the rest. Lemme know in the comments if it hits home!
Their Venus in ur 1st - They want to "have" you before they know your name and also memorize your face like it's art. You walk around triggering their romantic fantasies without trying. Their taste shifts toward you like you're the new standard of hot, even if you donât fit their âtype.â They might stare at you for too long and pretend they didn't when you look at them. They might become desperate to "earn" your attention. You spark their inner romantic and inner pervert at the exact same time. They def would get jealous if you smile at others' jokes or give attention. In a relationship, they would go out of their way to let everyone know you're theirs. Can expect royalty treatment from them. If itâs one-sided, it feels like youâre being adored from a distance while they project a fantasy you never agreed to, or the other way around. After a breakup, their fixation can twist. Love turns bitter, and they might mock you for what they once worshipped.
Their Venus in ur 2nd - They def wanna know your fav food and anything fav of yours. You trigger their desire to invest their time and effort into you. Touch is currency now and youâre holding all the wealth. You trigger their inner sugar daddy, even if theyâre broke. They want to feed you, spoil you, and then bite your shoulder a little. Your scent is burned into their memory. You make them want to show up, show out, and show off. They think about what your body would feel like under their hands. A lot. They like watching you do normal stuff like drink coffee, take your shoes off, comb your hair, exist. They prefer to be half-naked with you and prefer the same in return. If youâre not into it, theyâll still linger, hoping youâll eventually âget it.â Breakups hit them in the wallet and the soul. They feel like they lost an investment.
Their Venus in ur 3rd - You start catching feelings after the fifth âlolâ they send. Their voice does things to you that it shouldnât. They text you just to hear your thoughts, not just your plans. You suddenly care what they think of your taste in music, food, etc. You talk for hours and somehow never get bored with them. They complement you in ways that make your brain short-circuit. You catch yourself laughing and blushing at the same time. They like the way you talk, even when youâre angry or crying. You become their favorite person to overshare with. Itâs the âdid you get home safe?â texts followed by a thirst trap. If it's one-sided, they leave you on read or ghost straight up. After a breakup, youâll miss the way they spoke to you more than anything else.
Their Venus in ur 4th - They show up soft, comforting, then start touching your heart and your thighs. They want to know what breaks you and what blankets you. You suddenly feel like telling them secrets you havenât even told your therapist or people close to you. Their affection feels like a warm bath, until you realize youâre drowning a little. They might like to talk or make out with you under dim lights. Theyâll cook for you, then pull you onto their lap while it simmers. You start imagining a future with them in your house and hate how natural it feels. They def will like your bare face and messy hair. You start missing them before they leave for work. You feel like they see the version of you, you never know you had. Every time they touch you, it feels like theyâre writing a love letter on your skin. On the flip side, they act cozy until things get too real, then vanish into emotional fog. Youâll start feeling like home to them, but theyâll treat you like a layover.
Their Venus in ur 5th - They make you feel hot and beautiful. They flirt like itâs a sport and youâre the trophy they plan to snatch. You catch yourself smiling when they walk in, even when youâre annoyed. They want you want them so bad. They gas you up and push your buttons like itâs foreplay. They would def complement you and praise you. You start craving their attention like sugar, then crash when they withhold it. Jealousy creeps in fast in some cases and suddenly you donât like them laughing with anyone else. You light each other up, but itâs hard to tell if itâs love or just a spark fire. They might chase hard, then disappear when you stop clapping for them. If it's one-sided, you might feel like a background character in their love show.
Their Venus in ur 6th - You find them sexy when theyâre focused, sweaty, or quietly solving everyday problems. They want you on your grind but also in their bed by 9PM, every night, no exceptions. They notice your health, your habits, your little flaws and want to be the one who helps fix them. Their affection is practical...until it turns filthy behind closed doors. They would take out the trash for you, run errands or pay bills. They want to earn your love with consistency and lowkey obsession. Itâs not âI love youâ every day but itâs âDid you eat?â âText me when youâre home.â âI got you.â They might give and give, hoping youâll notice and resent when you donât reciprocate. They can micro-manage your day and tell you where to go and what to do or wear. They can become possessive over your time, space, and energy, quietly controlling. The relationship might feel more like an obligation than romance after a while. When it ends, you either miss them or feel relieved it's over, and thank god.
Their Venus in ur 7th - You look at them and think âyep, I could be seen in public with that.â You start fantasizing about joint accounts and matching rings after the third date. They trigger your romantic side, even if you thought it was dead. They fit your type in ways you didnât even realize you had. Eye contact with them feels like vows you didnât agree to yet. You might mirror each otherâs moods, words, and even bad habits without noticing. Being with them makes you want to become a better person. The connection feels like it should be permanent, even when itâs fragile as hell. Thereâs a calm in their presence, until silence stretches too long and hits like a bruise. On the flip side, they might reflect what you want to see without ever really giving it. The silence between you starts to feel louder than any breakup. Youâll wait for a text that doesnât come, because they know how to disappear quietly. Losing them feels like losing a version of yourself you almost believed in.
Their Venus in ur 8th - Fantasy overload! You want to know everything about them. Their touch feels like it unlocks a door you didnât know you locked. You think about them in the shower, during arguments, when eating, mid-orgasm like nonstop. Jealousy or longing hits early and hard, even if you're not "together." Sex feels less like pleasure and more like a psychic ritual. You crave their secrets as much as you crave their skin. They know what turns you on and off and keep their finger right on the switch. You start to obsess over how much they know about you, how deep theyâve gotten, what theyâll do with it. They seduce you by showing you your own darkness and making it feel like love. On the flip side, you might get hooked while they keep it surface, leaving you craving a depth they never planned to give. One day, you feel seen, then invisible to them. If it ends, it can be violent or crazy.
Their Venus in ur 9th - They make your brain tingle and your pants/skirts tight/wet in the same sentence. Long talks turn into long stares, then long nights. Itâs hot until they start drifting like a tourist who never unpacks. They light you up in ways that make you question what you thought love was. They make you feel like anything is possible and also that nothing is guaranteed. You crave their mind like a drug and keep going back for another hit. You donât know if itâs love, lust, or a crash course in letting go but itâs a ride. If it ends, you realize too late that they came to teach you something, not to stay for the final chapter.
Their Venus in ur 10th - You wanna have their last name. They make you want to succeed and strip, often at the same time. You start imagining what youâd look like as their power couple aesthetic. You want them to respect you and ruin you in equal measure. You feel like the world notices when they look at you. Their attention makes you stand taller, talk smoother, and act like someone worth owning. They love seeing you in control, but they want to undo it slowly. They want to be seen with you, not just close, but claimed. They might put you on a pedestal and might believe everything you say. Can be a simp at times. If it's one-sided, youâll feel like an accessory they show off but never truly hold. They might withhold affection if they feel it threatens their control or pride.
Their Venus in ur 11th - Their flirting is masked as inside jokes that go way too far. You start dressing hotter âby accidentâ when you know theyâll be around. Every group hang feels like a secret date only you two are in on. You feel freer with them than with anyone else, and somehow thatâs what traps you. They make you feel known in that scary-good way....then ghost you for a week. They hype you up publicly and text you âyou looked hot todayâ privately. You go from memes to sexts to emotional heart dumps in one night, lol. They show up like a best friend, but stay like an unresolved crush. Even if youâre not even together and one or both of you are already imagining a situationship playlist. On the flip side, they might give you mixed signals. Youâll be stuck between friendship and thirst with no map out. They might use connection to stay close, while keeping you at armâs length. Emotional honesty gets dodged with sarcasm, distractions, or disappearing acts.
Venus in 1st/5th/7th/9th/10th/11th/12th -> You love their mind, looks, presence, or life philosophy from afar. âWeâd totally fall in love if we metâŠâ Can have celeb-crush energy. Deep emotional obsession with someone who has no idea the other exists.
Venus in 3rd/5th/7th/8th/11th -> Can be one-sided. Friends with benefits situations, a hookup, one-night stand situations, short-term affairs, one person doing all the effort, to keep a score, etc can be seen here. Can be toxic too.
Quick Synastry Reality Check đ
Synastry is about energy exchange between two people who actually know each other. That means:
đ€ Youâve met.
đ€ Youâve talked.
đ€ Thereâs been some kind of interaction or mutual vibe, even a little spark.
If youâve never met them, never spoken, or itâs a one-way obsession (like a celebrity, athlete, Youtuber or influencer)âŠthatâs not synastry, thatâs projection.
No, that famous player or that YouTuber is not secretly in love with you because their Venus falls in your 8th or 5th house.
Yes, synastry can feel intense, but it needs both people to be involved in some real way for it to work.
Itâs energy. Itâs chemistry. Itâs connection. Not a crush on someone who doesnât know you exist. I'm saying this here bcoz I got a few people in my DMs asking me, and I wanted to address it. Thank you for reading!
đFor readings, check out my pinned post for pricing! âšđđȘ
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