[mirithebrave]

Tumblr, I’ve missed you.

Just here checkin in with the recovery community to say I’m still alive!

I’ve been on here since 2014 (yikes) and some of you all have been on this journey with me since then.

So I’m still hanging in there, still got my head above water, and still making cool creative things!

💜💜💜💜

[mirithebrave]

Most of the eating disorder treatment I experienced focused on pulling myself up by my bootstraps & will-powering myself into recovery. If I couldn’t do it, I was told that I was unmotivated.

I kept relapsing.

(Fifteen years worth of relapsing.)

Recovery has come (a continual process, of course, and something I’m wary to use in the past tense) from feeling safe and understood enough to set down protective survival mechanisms.

Dr. Stephen Porges says that “safety is the treatment” in regards to trauma, and I firmly believe this about eating disorders as well. Safety and compassion and gentleness are approaches more likely to produce lasting change.

We don’t change because someone yells us into recovery.

We change, in my not-so-humble personal opinion, when we are met with someone who tells us we make sense in light of our stories. That our behavior is not wrong or bad, but adaptive to what we’ve experienced.

[mirithebrave]

filing this under things I am learning, part 52385916483:

a lot of clinicians I’ve met claim to be “trauma-informed,” but almost none of them will define that (aside from the 5-6 generic principles which are very non-specific), so here are a few things that I’ve found in my experience to be true.

good, trauma-informed clinicians or programs:

• titrate the work (otherwise a person goes into reliving and it can be re-traumatizing) and don’t rush into the heavy processing right away

• approach symptoms / behaviors with compassion (especially self-destructive symptoms!!) and see how they function to help your system survive

• don’t push for you to “try harder” or “find motivation” or pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps into healing

• respect your window of tolerance and regularly check in to see how your system is tolerating the work

• don’t force you to be deeply in your body in the name of “presence” or “embodiment” or “mindfulness” when you are not yet capable of tolerating that

• have healthy boundaries (boundaries may have been confusing or lacking for people with relational trauma, so this is super important)

• respect autonomy and  agency

[mirithebrave]

most of the the reason we go to therapy is that a safe relationship and healthy attachment are a good chunk of the healing and this is why skating by solely on social media tidbits isn’t enough, pass it on

[mirithebrave]

I’ve been relatively quiet this year for NEDA Week, in part because I’m not entirely sure what good “awareness” does when the system was built in such a way that keeps vulnerable folks from having access to adequate resources and receiving treatment and care (and I mean quality, HAES, trauma-informed care). Something has to shift. And I don’t know that telling my story for the millionth time in the name of awareness is going to create that shift, particularly given that it’s a story that centers a smaller, white, cisgender female body. (I’m certainly not shaming anyone who also fits that description for sharing - this is not prescriptive, simply my own journey and wrestling.)

What I will say is this: you make sense. Your brain found creative ways to cope and survive hard things by disconnecting from your body & emotions with food-related behaviors. Your brain was adapting to your environment. Brains are hard-wired for survival. So even if those behaviors no longer serve you because you’re no longer in those painful situations or environments, the brain thinks it’s helping. 

We have so much militaristic language around eating disorder recovery and if that helps you, that’s cool. But if it isn’t working, maybe you try a different approach. Maybe be soft with your brain and those urges do self-destruct. Maybe it’s a kinder stance towards those parts of you whose goal is to protect and keep you safe than “fighting” your brain. Maybe you and your brain aren’t on opposing sides on a battlefield; maybe you just have different methods to the same end, which is your safety and survival.

Those are things I wish I heard more of this week, because I think compassion towards the eating disorder IS a way out and actually saves lives.

[mirithebrave]

It’s almost that time of year again!

[mirithebrave]

lately I’ve been wondering what it means to see myself ecologically - to not view myself as a machine, always pushing towards perfection, but as an ocean or as plant life.

as someone with an eating disorder, I’ve lived disconnected from my body, viewing it as Object to perfect. even having a mealplan has felt like another list of rigid rules that I’m failing to meet.

what is it to see myself as nature? to view this body-ecosystem as just existing, with natural cycles of growth and change, but no change in dignity in its messy aliveness?

what is it to soften from viewing a mealplan as another list to achieve to viewing nourishment and body-listening as syncing with a natural rhythm that the plants and sea life have: hunger, satiation, growth/energy, depletion, hunger.

[cryptonature]

We seldom admit the seductive comfort of hopelessness.

It saves us from ambiguity.

It has an answer for every question:

"There's just no point."

Hope, on the other hand, is messy.

If it might all work out, then we have things to do.

We must weather the possibility of happiness.

[mirithebrave]

I’ve never felt so embodied.

This is recovery.

[mirithebrave]

I used to be active on Tumblr, but only for the ED recovery community. I’m not really active on here anymore, but I wanted to share this:

I’m almost 2 years in recovery after coming up on 16 years of dealing with a vicious eating disorder. I spent most of those years in and out of treatment. Compassionate, trauma-informed care got me out of that revolving door cycle to a place where I am doing Life, Capital L Life.

One of the things that I do in recovery is music. As some of you know, I write and sing. A few years ago, I wrote this song with a friend of mine (Alex Blue) about what the struggle was like — wanting to numb out the big feelings and be a ghost-girl.

We recorded this song recently and released it this past Friday.

It’s beautiful but not an overly cheery song (though I think there’s subtle hope in it) so please take care of yourselves first and foremost if you’re not in a place to listen to a potentially resonant but aching song.

Lastly, if you do listen and resonate a lot with this song, remember that I’m almost 2 years in recovery. If you feel stuck in the cycle like I was, I believe in your ability to get free. You don’t have to be a casualty.

Love you, Recovery Tumblr. 🤍

Linds

[mirithebrave]

filing this under things I am learning, part 52385916483:

a lot of clinicians I’ve met claim to be “trauma-informed,” but almost none of them will define that (aside from the 5-6 generic principles which are very non-specific), so here are a few things that I’ve found in my experience to be true.

good, trauma-informed clinicians or programs:

• titrate the work (otherwise a person goes into reliving and it can be re-traumatizing) and don’t rush into the heavy processing right away

• approach symptoms / behaviors with compassion (especially self-destructive symptoms!!) and see how they function to help your system survive

• don’t push for you to “try harder” or “find motivation” or pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps into healing

• respect your window of tolerance and regularly check in to see how your system is tolerating the work

• don’t force you to be deeply in your body in the name of “presence” or “embodiment” or “mindfulness” when you are not yet capable of tolerating that

• have healthy boundaries (boundaries may have been confusing or lacking for people with relational trauma, so this is super important)

• respect autonomy and  agency

[mirithebrave]

I used to be active on Tumblr, but only for the ED recovery community. I’m not really active on here anymore, but I wanted to share this:

I’m almost 2 years in recovery after coming up on 16 years of dealing with a vicious eating disorder. I spent most of those years in and out of treatment. Compassionate, trauma-informed care got me out of that revolving door cycle to a place where I am doing Life, Capital L Life.

One of the things that I do in recovery is music. As some of you know, I write and sing. A few years ago, I wrote this song with a friend of mine (Alex Blue) about what the struggle was like — wanting to numb out the big feelings and be a ghost-girl.

We recorded this song recently and released it this past Friday.

It’s beautiful but not an overly cheery song (though I think there’s subtle hope in it) so please take care of yourselves first and foremost if you’re not in a place to listen to a potentially resonant but aching song.

Lastly, if you do listen and resonate a lot with this song, remember that I’m almost 2 years in recovery. If you feel stuck in the cycle like I was, I believe in your ability to get free. You don’t have to be a casualty.

Love you, Recovery Tumblr. 🤍

Linds

[mirithebrave]

hi friends — I released a new song tonight.

if you’ve ever felt that pull towards being numb when emotions are big & painful, this song is for you.

hope you like it 🤍

[mirithebrave]

this is a song I wrote about the blueprints we are given as kids & the freedom in charting our own paths, particularly in regards to leaving fundamentalist religion.

the idea for this song actually came from listening to a podcast a while back, in which the host asked her guest about the map they were handed of the world as a child. I couldn’t stop thinking about that idea.

hope you like it + ignore my bad uke playing per usual.

[youmakesenseproject]

instagram “compassionate therapeutic takes” photo dump.

[mirithebrave]

I haven’t posted on here in ages, but I am still alive & kickin 🤍

[mirithebrave]

I’ve been relatively quiet this year for NEDA Week, in part because I’m not entirely sure what good “awareness” does when the system was built in such a way that keeps vulnerable folks from having access to adequate resources and receiving treatment and care (and I mean quality, HAES, trauma-informed care). Something has to shift. And I don’t know that telling my story for the millionth time in the name of awareness is going to create that shift, particularly given that it’s a story that centers a smaller, white, cisgender female body. (I’m certainly not shaming anyone who also fits that description for sharing - this is not prescriptive, simply my own journey and wrestling.)

What I will say is this: you make sense. Your brain found creative ways to cope and survive hard things by disconnecting from your body & emotions with food-related behaviors. Your brain was adapting to your environment. Brains are hard-wired for survival. So even if those behaviors no longer serve you because you’re no longer in those painful situations or environments, the brain thinks it’s helping. 

We have so much militaristic language around eating disorder recovery and if that helps you, that’s cool. But if it isn’t working, maybe you try a different approach. Maybe be soft with your brain and those urges do self-destruct. Maybe it’s a kinder stance towards those parts of you whose goal is to protect and keep you safe than “fighting” your brain. Maybe you and your brain aren’t on opposing sides on a battlefield; maybe you just have different methods to the same end, which is your safety and survival.

Those are things I wish I heard more of this week, because I think compassion towards the eating disorder IS a way out and actually saves lives.

[mirithebrave]

It’s almost that time of year again!

[mirithebrave]

It’s officially alive in the world: My debut EP, "Fear of God," is OUT NOW.

I had a painting professor in art school who half-jokingly told us that when someone asked us how long it took us to complete one of our pieces, we should say, "My whole life." I feel that way about these songs. I may have wrestled them into existence in 2020, but this EP has been a long, long time coming.

These three songs are tiny glimpses of my story. They stand as defiant miracles for every time I walked precariously on the tightrope of almost-dying, every hopeless night locked away in hospitals and treatment facilities, every painful feeding tube and overdose-aftermath and wondering if I would ever - god help me - EVER know anything different.

I saved my own life, over and over and over, and this is the result.

I wrote as honestly as my heart would allow about my experiences of religious trauma and mental health, so they're personal, narrative, and relatively raw. But whether or not you relate to the exact details, I hope you will still find something in these songs.

We’re doing the hard, brave thing.

The first of much to come.

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/6EErUg4pbEQgC2r4ONt0AX#context

Apple music: https://music.apple.com/us/album/fear-of-god-single/1601934201