This week has been a duzy but it’s really really opening me up to my power, sharpening my voice, and thickening my skin. It’s been painful and depleting to my ego hahah but I guess I’m thankful for the moves being made because I can feel it as necessary to my spiritual growth. I’m just feeling rather raw and vulnerable and... confused? I attended my meditation class at the Metaphysical Chapel I’ve been a member of for over a decade. We give lessons and psychic messages every service, it’s really a unique place and on Tuesdays we have class where we learn how to GIVE messages and better learn the skills of connecting to and reading from spirit. I hadn’t been for a while because I was recently diagnosed with COVID. Quarantined for four weeks, in my house, alone, the whole deal. (I survived, I am heathy, it wasn’t that bad, I’ve had colds and flus that were worse.) However, in many other ways it was.... revealing. I needed it. I was able to slow down and reprioritize. I actually quit one of my jobs all together, I got work done around my house I’d been putting off FOR YEARS, and overall became infinitely happier! I will admit being alone that long probably did make me crazy. Probably did make me a little off balance. DEFINITELY made me a lil nervous being reintroduced into the world again. DEFINITELY triggered some underlying social anxiety I’d been dealing with for years (post trauma). But on Tuesday, that particular night, I was feeling really good. I was excited to see everyone from church. I’d been missing the class. And I knew I needed some extra healing. I was crying all day Monday, but I came to church with a happy face and eager heart.
The night started with our president, Larry (this sweet lil scrawny old man with the biggest heart of anyone I know) talking about how he “started a fight” earlier in the week. Now, I know Larry and I knowwww there is NO WAY he intentionally started a fight so I LAUGHED. He was feeling all guilty because he has been having a homeless man live in his garage and apparently he’s overstayed his welcome (like has lived there for over a year now.) Well he gave his phone number to his sister and they don’t get along or something blah blah blah anyway, the two of them got into this hugeeee fight and Larry felt AWFUL. He started talking about how thoughts and words are prayers no matter how we use them, because all thoughts and words once released from us, carry their own vibration and therefore their own consciousness. Interesting. I can get behind the logic. He explained that you must be careful with every word that you use because the intention and the vibration behind the word carries weight. Well it ended up turning into this whoooole debate because Pam didn’t think it was necessarily a “prayer” because prayers are requests for divine intervention from God, The Highest Power, Source Energy, The Universe, etc. Makes sense. So at this point everyone is friendly debating and everyone is throwing in their opinion. Larry can’t hear very well so he’s constantly like, WHAATTTT and then we’re screaming and repeating hahaha it’s was absolutely... comical. I’m just laughing in the corner occasionally giving my input. This middle-aged man, Neil, is in the opposite corner across from me and he is NOT amused. He keeps repeating, “this is CHAOS”, “tonight is absolutely CHAOTIC.” I looked at him like, I knowwww so funny. But it honestly made me laugh because it didn’t do anything except add to the chaos hahaha.
At one point, I had a thought (because Larry was so down on himself for starting all of this drama), I said, “Larry, maybe you had to make the first move to ignite it all because if not it never was gonna. It sounds to me like the two of them had always had conflict and negative energy between them and it’d just been sitting stagnant. Maybe you had to be the one to stir it all up and get the energy moving because without you nothing would ever be resolved. It’s not because you did anything bad, it was just the two of them had some sort of lesson or karma to be worked out and you happened to be the one to get the ball rolling.” I said, “your intentions were pure, you always do everything with pure intentions. Don’t let this worry you too much.” After that, Neil spoke for the first time in a while and said, “whoa whoa whoa that is a very dynamic lesson I wouldn’t go there!” And I was like “huh?” Because I had no idea what he was talking about or why that was so forbidden. It felt right. It felt like I shared it from my heart. Then he was like, “who’s universe am I even in right now???” And this woman in the back was like, “your own!” And I was like, “that’s the beauty of it we’re all in our own individual universes, separate but together!” And he just starred me down. It. Was. Weird.
So anyway, after deciding that maybe the entire fight happened just so that we could have that very discussion in class we let it go. We moved on to our 20 minute group meditation. We came back to our bodies and we shared about our individual experiences and we gave messages to anyone we received one for.... now my meditation was interesting. It was the first time that I received healing for myself rather quickly and I was immediately able to tap into the energies of everyone in class and see and feel and understand them! I was so excited. In the past, I’d been so consumed with my own trauma that I hadn’t been able to move past much of the self healing and guidance. But I’ve really been doing a lot of work to let stuff go. So I was feeling proud. However, now that it was time to share I was NERVOUS. I’d never given messages before. I’d never shared anything but my own experience in detail, now all of a sudden I don’t know if I’m doing it right because it is so foreign. It really is the craziest experience trying to trust what you’re getting and stepping out of your own way. But then you’re like why else am I seeing this? It has to be? Idk. But it’s class! And we’re learning! That’s the whole point. So I’m like hell yeah! I’m gonna share! So it’s my turn and I was kinda scattered, bouncing around describing my visions in detail, remember bits and pieces, nervous to be well-received. Idk... everyone was so thankful and I was riding the vibe. I get to Neil, I saw him sitting in a chair with his legs crossed, he was wearing these black thick rimmed glasses with the tape around the middle (and I just had to laugh. It was like spirit was emphasizing the nerdiness ya know.) And he was surrounded by aaaall these books. He was reading and reading flipping through pages, devouring these books. And then all of a sudden he stood up, ripped his glasses off, threw them over his shoulder dramatically, and he marched out a door that appeared before him. And the way I interpreted it was that he’d been studying and studying and studying from spirit and now it was time to take all of that knowledge and go live it. So whenever I was done he was like, “Ohhh okay wow are you calling me a spiritual nerd?” And I was laughing like, “hahaha whoa I’m not but I guess spirit is!” And he was like, “well I guess I can’t argue with that.” And that was the end of it. I didn’t think I was offensive. I was just explaining what I saw. It was cute and it was funny. Whatever.
So then it was his turn to give messages. And he went around and I could tell he purposefully came to me last. He was like, okay well look, I don’t even know where to begin, you’re like a Disney Princess (I was like yasssss 🙌🏼) and he was like and it was chaotic. That was absolute chaos. Do you understand? (and I was like oh, wow... deflated when I realized he was being insulting and realizing now that he was referring to aaaalll the chaos from earlier as my fault too) he was like I see it kinda like the movie Fantasia, there are these things with the broad shoulders marching around in a line blocking you from spiraling up the mountain and you’re fighting off all these dragons that keep popping out at you... it was iiiiiinteresting to watch 🥴 but you’re getting there. You’re almost to the top. It’s just chaotic to witness. And he like, shuttered.
At this point, I am like a bright red cherry tomato. I want to cry. I was so embarrassed. I felt like I had just done something wrong. I felt like he just jabbed me in the heart. Like I know I can be kind of scatterbrained and chaotic but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing? At least I shared anything at all!! Like after that message I wanted to fade into the pew, become one with the wood and disappear into the floor, slide out the door, run to my car, and never come back to chapel ever again.... I felt triggered. Like I was taken back to the days just after my trauma. Like I was worried about being the bad vibes in the room so I BECAME the bad vibes in the room. Like everything would have been better without me there. Like I was a joke and everyone was laughing at how dumb I was. I was so confused. I sat there staring at the woman sharing her experience but completely withdrawn from reality I was seeing colors, like a glossy film over life. I didn’t hear a word she said. Now messages are done. We’re all saying goodbyes. I want to melt to my car so I don’t have to speak to anyone after I’d just been so excited to be there. I was questioning all of the messages I gave like did I do something wrong, did I not give them right??? I’m walking towards the door. Kay was like, “thank you so much for sharing your messages today Emily! I’m so proud of you!” And I was like “yeah my first time...” emphasizing likeeee I had no idea what I was doing. Did I just insult everyone??? Did my messages not come from a place of love like I thought?? Idk I was so so embarrassed.
I drove the long way home. I was burning hot. It felt like my insides were on fire. I wanted to puke. I came home and took a longggg cold shower. Washed away the whole experience. Washed away my anxieties and I started to see it with a little clarity. I’m going to go back next Tuesday and apologize for my chaotic energy. I could feel his words, though extremely harsh, balancing me out. I need to explain that I don’t mean to steal the stage and let my ego run rampant and think everything is about me. I need to learn to be a little more humble and sit in the corner quietly and give input when called upon. It’s just that I went thru some crazy eff-ing shit in the past. I know it’s no excuse, but I didn’t use my voice when I needed to, for sooooo long it was like someone was holding a hand over my mouth and I couldn’t share my truths and I was too scared to talk. I realized the gravity of my words and it scared me so much I just didn’t use them at all. Which actually made the situation even WORSE and hurts me even MORE, and I think that made the pendulum swing toooo far the other way to where now I can’t stop talking... I’m really working on myself. That lesson from Neil and from the Universe seemed aggressive and harsh, but if it’s going to bring radical change into my life, I guess I’m thankful for it, and I guess I can handle it. I’m still learning to balance these energies! It’s a fine line between light and dark. I want to be of service and share my light. But I don’t wanna put myself on an egotistical pedestal to do it. Not my intention. I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do.
I kept going back and forth like? Did he do this because he was wounded by what I said to him and felt the need to retaliate? Is that how it works? Or was this really spirits way of humbling me because I gave messages wrong? I don’t really understand the whole process and I’m still confused. I go back and forth between being so embarrassed I never want to give messages ever again... and wanting to march in there with my head held high, trusting myself and my actions. Just carrying myself with more confidence, more reserved within myself, not so silly, out there, and whimsical. Idk to me that always felt more joyous. But I guess that is not always practical.
I know this was long. And idk if anyone will ever read it. It was more for myself. But I am still confused. I’d love some feedback, thoughts or guidance. Maybe you can relate, maybe you understand energetically where I’m coming from. If anyone out there stuck out this story and has some advice for me I’d love to discuss!
