Trying to make friends in the godspousing community?
Disclaimer: this post contains some bluntly honest experience that might be hard to hear.
Not trying to be offensive but my gods, somebody has got to talk about this stuff. And people don't, so I will.
For the past several years, I've been in and around a variety of godspousing places on several different social media platforms.
Despite knowing many godspouses as casual acquaintances, I've made very few deeper friendships. That's hard to do, I think.
Well... here's a list of observations to think about, followed by my somewhat salty comments on each particular thing.
I'm not saying my experiences are true of everyone but they are true of more than just me. I think we as a community ought to at least have a look.
If you want to make godspousing friends...
Be young, preferably 18-30 years old. No, I'm not being ageist here. This is about statistics. The majority of people who are vocal online about godspousing appear to be young-ish, so you'll probably find it easier to make friends if you're their age.
If you're in your 40's like me or older, you will have a harder time making friends because of differences in perspective due to more years of life experience.
Now, I'm not saying older people are superior. They're not. I AM saying it's a biological fact that the more years you've been on this planet, the more time you've had to gain life experience. Whether you learn any life lessons or not is your business (some people don't), but just being alive for more years means you've had more opportunity for personal growth.
Which also means you might not value the same stuff that younger godspouses care about, making it harder to continue mundane conversations with them long enough to become friends. In that case, being younger helps.
Have a sweet, romantic godspousing relationship. Most godspouses who are willing to talk about it report their relationships as romantic. Focusing on the romance in your relationship helps you fit in better.
My godspousing isn't very romantic. If yours also isn't, that's a problem. You'll have a harder time making friends because many godspouses really want to hear about other people's romances.
They'll ask how you met your god or spirit, what you did on dates, what your wedding ceremony was like (bonus points if you're female presenting and wore a white dress), and what your wedding ring looks like if you have one. Etc, etc. Many godspouses appear to really enjoy the warm fuzzy feelings generated through these discussions.
If your godspousing experience is wildly different from a human marriage so you can't dish about some facsimile of human romance on the regular, well... you aren't going to be very interesting as a potential friend.
Keep your godspousing posts light, fluffy and superficial, like most do. Focus the majority of your content on cute stuff, funny memes, and light chatter about the amazing meal you had or the latest TV show. Or gush about how much you love your god or spirit. All of those are crowd pleasers that present you as the sort of person many godspouses appear to want as a friend.
If, like me, your godspousing relationship involves uncomfortable spiritual lessons, theological hot takes, and shocking UPG, don't mention those! Yes there are a few corners of the godspousing community where it's okay to sort of... carefully allude to those things.
But laying them out in stark detail doesn't work to your advantage in the majority of the godspousing community. Many godspouses do not appear to experience those things so mentioning them may mean you're labeled as "different" or "other." Potential friends need to believe your practice is similar to theirs so they can relate to you.
That means if your godspousing relationship is a little out of the ordinary, you'll have to bite your tongue regularly which is painful. It may also feel like you're wasting your time on mundane chatter when what you really wanted was deeper discussion. Decide for yourself if the pain of silence and the time investment of mundane chat provides anything useful to you.
Give potential friendships much time. There are many different places to make friends in the godspousing community so prepare to spend a ton of time chatting, observing people's practices, and trying to figure out if you're compatible with them or not.
If you're an adult with a career, a house to maintain, a physical family to care for, and spiritual relationships as well, you may find spending enough time online to develop friendships nigh on impossible. Whose needs are more important on any given day? You're constantly pulled in a million directions and scrambling to keep up.
Remember that people online cannot help with your everyday life. They won't stop by the supermarket to fetch an item you forgot. They'll not help you clean the garden in the spring. They can't bring you soup when you're ill, or do anything else you might need... because they also have mundane lives in faraway places. And those are more important to them, naturally, just like your physical everyday life is important to you.
Is an online friendship worth your time and energy? Especially considering all the other relationships, spiritual and physically in-person, that you could have invested yourself in? Which might actually provide a greater long-term payoff for all involved? What do you truly have time for? What do you want?
Offer constant validation, if you can. Since many pagan communities invalidate godspousing, most godspouses have a huge desire to be told their relationships are valid. You'll find it a lot easier to make friends if you offer copious validation.
But suppose you have good skill with spiritual discernment? Then you may find offering validation difficult because you can't help but notice the discernment mistakes other godspouses are making. How does one approve of some people's experiences when they appear to include serious discernment errors that might have long-term consequences for those folks and others?
It's not always the person's fault either, especially the young ones who haven't been alive enough years yet to become skilled at discernment. But there are older godspouses who have little to no interest in learning discernment, and others who see it as a form of spiritual invalidation to be avoided. (more on that in this post, if interested) These people choose not to apply discernment and do not want correction or education about it, yet still expect everyone to say their experiences are spiritually valid.
In that situation, offering validation may feel dishonest, like you're patting them on the back and saying "great job" while silently noticing their flagrant mistakes. Can you live with repeating that lie regularly, to build and maintain friendships? If you choose to be more honest by not giving the expected validation, your silence will lower the chances of making friends. I speak from hard experience here. But you might retain more self-respect, which is a win.
Get used to being a vending machine. People want information about godspousing and the "real dirt" on deities' private behavior. Newer godspouses will pose as a potential friend just to get advice, divination on their godspousing relationships, and information about deities or spirits spoonfed to them because they haven't done the research themselves. Sadly, their friendly overtures aren't about getting to know you or being actual friends, which you might not notice until later when they run off satisfied. And ignore you, unless they need something else in the future.
Were you hoping for mutual consideration and support? Mutual sharing of UPG? Mutual interest in your and their well-being? You're not likely to get that in most places online.
Unless you enjoy being used as a walking library, you'll need some firm boundaries. Maybe you start insisting people do their own research? You might offer them links to websites or online libraries where they can learn more, if they look. Then observe whether they actually do it? Most of the time they won't, because they're asking another person whom they're using as a walking library instead.
You might have to grieve the hope of people genuinely seeing the person you are, mourn their failing to notice your needs for support and care, and resign yourself to not having the deep human connection you'd hoped for. Because the norm for many interactions in online spiritual communities is this vending machine dynamic, not mutual care. I'm sorry.
Is there hope for developing friendships in the godspousing community?
Your relationship might just naturally match what some section of the godspousing community enjoys hearing about, and you fit right in?
Or perhaps you ask one of your gods to help you find a godspouse who would be a good friend? And bingo! Your deity provides you with that person, and you become close friends.
Or like in my case, after several years of effort and due diligence, you might disengage from parts of the godspousing community because a lot of it feels like a dry well. Instead of pursuing online friendships, maybe you focus on deepening your spiritual relationships so they are more satisfying?
I suggest starting with a hard look at what you truly need, and also at what the godspousing community can reasonably provide, considering human nature and group dynamics.
In what ways has the godspousing community failed you?
Has any part of your participation in it worked out well so far?
How large is the gap between what the godspousing community can probably deliver and what you need from it to be happy?
If it's a smaller gap, you might be able to find a different godspousing place online that fits you better, where you can maximize potential for positive engagement.
For a larger gap, you might consider withdrawing from the godspousing community to some degree and focusing on more satisfying forms of connection, however you define those.
However, endless dithering while hoping things improve magically, is a waste of time.
So decide what is worth your investment of time and energy, grieve your dying hope if need be, and go chase what you need!
