#70 “I HATE that thing when a tongue gets all hard and pointy at the tip. Don’t make a dunce cap out of your tongue.“
I want you to pay for shit. All night. (At least in the beginning stages. We’ll move into partnership & split bills when it’s time, but for now, be a MAN. I can fuck a woman if I want, and that’s nice too. But if I’m with you, I’m in the mood for male energy, so please give me that.)
I want you to drive. I want you to be wearing good deodorant, no hippie crystal bullshit. You’re a man, your animal scent will break through the product as it is. Just something simple. Old Spice is great. A little cologne is nice, too. Especially if you’re a shlubby comedy type of guy who I’d never expect to be wearing fucking fancy cologne. Let yourself be fancy. Be valuable.
Put your hand on the small of my back a couple times throughout the evening. Make our legs touch or have your hand on my thigh for a little bit. Undress me with your eyes. Visualize making me come. Watch me as I walk to the bathroom. I will feel your eyes on my ass and it will make my clit skip a beat. Find a moment to surprise me with a kiss. An odd, in between moment, like when we’re at the parking meter or something. You couldn’t resist. You had to feel my lips against yours even though we were hours from the goodnight kiss that will segue us into bed.
When we finally do get to the kiss that will bring us to bed, we’ve earned it. We’ve been charging for hours. Hand on side of face is great, any holding of my head for that matter. Better yet, take one hand and hold me in place at the base of my neck. You’re not strangling me, but you’re dangerously close. Then MAKE MY BREASTS YOUR BEST FRIENDS. I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH ATTENTION THEY WANT. I want us making out while naked for a little bit. It feels like teenagers learning about all that is erotic. Like, we weren’t suuuure we were gonna fuck, we were just kissing and just wanted a little more flesh, then a little more flesh, then…a little…more flesh…
If I initiate going down on you, let me for a liiiittle while or stop me, saying something like “not yet”. Kiss me slowly from the lobes of my ears, to my neck, to my breasts, to my stomach, to my knees, to my inner thighs, then finalllly after the torture, kiss my wet, waiting pussy. (Note: I don’t want you to suck my toes because, well, feet are filthy. I can’t get past that. Once a guy just kissed the top of me feet and I thought that was a creative workaround, but he was holding my dirty feet in his hands to do so, and all I could think was, ‘Now his hands are dirty.’) (Also, yes, this whole kissing my body making me beg for it thing is cliché but that’s because it’s fucking hot and it fucking works and most guys are lazy as fuck and don’t do it. Be the guy who does it, and I’ll be like, damn this guy is a passionate lover. He’s the real deal. I’ll be a little intimidated which will make me feel vulnerable which is the same thing as peeling off my panties spiritually/emotionally.)
When you are going down on me, begin by just making out with my pussy. Just lay sweet kisses all over it, then focus on my clit. Be gentle. I repeat, be gentle. Circles with your tongue are great. I hate flicking. I see it in porn all the time and I don’t get it. Let your tongue be wide and slightly firm, I HATE that thing when a tongue gets all hard and pointy at the tip. Don’t make a dunce cap out of your tongue. Just lay your tongue on my clit and find movement that you can stick with for a while. For me, it’s a time game. So prepare to hang out, doing what you’re doing for a while. If I say I’m about to come, don’t suddenly go faster and harder. Keep doing what you’re doing. That’s how we got here.
Also, feel free to ask to watch me touch myself. -If you haven’t already, LEARN TO FIND THIS HOT. You will learn so much about how my particular body works by watching me work with it. This is also HELLA intimate, thus very erotic. AND, let’s just be honest- you’ll be letting me do some of the work for you. It’s not cheating, and it’s not diminishing your skills as a lover. It’s just me and you investing in the art of orgasm. BUT I’ll feel realllllly self-conscious if you don’t get into it with me (by kissing my earlobes & boobs & whispering sweet nothings in my ear). Anyway, enough said on that. You get it. It’s such an easy and useful thing to incorporate into your fucking practice. (Oh and if you happen to find yourself with a gal who isn’t used to this idea, try begging her for it. She might just need to really, really know she’s safe to be vulnerable like that.)
Anywho, after my pussy gets all this lovely attention…
I’m going to reciprocate and you are going to enjoy every second of it.
I’m very good at this.
I won’t bring you to orgasm because I need that dick inside me at this point. I’ll be down there maybe half as long as your were down there on me, but that’s just because I don’t want all this boner time to happen outside of me. (Don’t worry, you’ll get plenty of head from me in general. If I have a satisfying sex session with you, I’ll put your dick on a pedestal. The power of the penis is a VERY REAL thing. He’s my hero. I want him to be happy.)
Once you’re inside of me, throw in an “Oh my God, you’re so beautiful.” straight off the bat, especially if I’m on top. Go slow and fast, wing it. Catch the vibe. Be assertive and communicative. Figure out positions by saying things like, “Does this feel good for you?”
This is probably a good time to mention, that if I haven’t had a clitoral orgasm, it’s very, very, very unlikely that I will have a G Spot orgasm. The clit orgasm is a gateway for me. So, if you’re ever feeling like, “Oh let’s be spontaneous and skip some foreplay and I’ll just push her panties to the side like Jay Z talks about on Beyonce’s ‘Drunk in Love’… you better plan to fuck some, STOP, eat me out (or 69 or do hand stuff) THEN get back inside me so we can BOTH finish. Don’t ‘be spontaneous,’ then come right away, and leave me high and dry while you’re in your fucking ‘refractory period.’ So rookie. So unsexy.
Oh, while I’m at it, this is also probably a good time to mention my period. If I’m on it, it’s not a big deal, we’ll just put a towel down. When giving oral, leave the tampon in and focus on the clit. Blood all over your hard dick is punk rock. To be clear, MEN WHO ARE GOOD IN BED DON’T MAKE PERIOD SEX A BIG DEAL. We’re all animals. We breathe, we eat, we bleed, we fuck. The more in touch with your primal self you are, the better you are in bed. This subject, in particular, separates the boys from the men. The exquisite lay and the underwhelming shag. The educated, confident male from the ignorant, fearful dude.
Anyway, after we’ve been enjoying some good ol’ sweaty fuckin’ for a while, when it’s time, you can come on my stomach, boobs, butt, or back. We’ll figure it out in the moment. Just ask me. Then just lie next to me and kind of hold me for a minute or two after. A “You’re so sexy,” would be great here. After that, if we’re at your place, get a towel, put warm water on it and clean me off. It’s a pro move and it’ll make you come across kind and smooth as fuck.
Hold me as we fall asleep. It’s just manly.
I’ll spend the night dreaming of your sweet, perfect cock and probably wake you up with a gorgeous blow job. Mazel tov!