Things I Think, Feel, and See

My name is Katie Willert and I am a writer and comedienne living in Los Angeles. This is a place (that isn't my hard drive) where I can keep the things I find on the internet. Sometimes I type things that are in my brain and they end up here. find me on twitter!

[star-bae]

Katie’s Cop Insults from Dan’s Dead

“Wow, you really hate cops.”

Tbh I have no idea what she’s saying in the second gif (x). Hardsher? Hard shirt? Harmsher? Is this cop slang? Also I freakin love this lip color @ katiewillert leak the deets.

[misskatie]

It’s hardshoe! 

[howtomakemecome]

#70 “I HATE that thing when a tongue gets all hard and pointy at the tip. Don’t make a dunce cap out of your tongue.“

I want you to pay for shit. All night. (At least in the beginning stages. We’ll move into partnership & split bills when it’s time, but for now, be a MAN. I can fuck a woman if I want, and that’s nice too. But if I’m with you, I’m in the mood for male energy, so please give me that.)

I want you to drive. I want you to be wearing good deodorant, no hippie crystal bullshit. You’re a man, your animal scent will break through the product as it is. Just something simple. Old Spice is great. A little cologne is nice, too. Especially if you’re a shlubby comedy type of guy who I’d never expect to be wearing fucking fancy cologne. Let yourself be fancy. Be valuable.

Put your hand on the small of my back a couple times throughout the evening. Make our legs touch or have your hand on my thigh for a little bit. Undress me with your eyes. Visualize making me come. Watch me as I walk to the bathroom. I will feel your eyes on my ass and it will make my clit skip a beat. Find a moment to surprise me with a kiss. An odd, in between moment, like when we’re at the parking meter or something. You couldn’t resist. You had to feel my lips against yours even though we were hours from the goodnight kiss that will segue us into bed.

When we finally do get to the kiss that will bring us to bed, we’ve earned it. We’ve been charging for hours. Hand on side of face is great, any holding of my head for that matter. Better yet, take one hand and hold me in place at the base of my neck. You’re not strangling me, but you’re dangerously close. Then MAKE MY BREASTS YOUR BEST FRIENDS. I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH ATTENTION THEY WANT. I want us making out while naked for a little bit. It feels like teenagers learning about all that is erotic. Like, we weren’t suuuure we were gonna fuck, we were just kissing and just wanted a little more flesh, then a little more flesh, then…a little…more flesh…

If I initiate going down on you, let me for a liiiittle while or stop me, saying something like “not yet”. Kiss me slowly from the lobes of my ears, to my neck, to my breasts, to my stomach, to my knees, to my inner thighs, then finalllly after the torture, kiss my wet, waiting pussy. (Note: I don’t want you to suck my toes because, well, feet are filthy. I can’t get past that. Once a guy just kissed the top of me feet and I thought that was a creative workaround, but he was holding my dirty feet in his hands to do so, and all I could think was, ‘Now his hands are dirty.’) (Also, yes, this whole kissing my body making me beg for it thing is cliché but that’s because it’s fucking hot and it fucking works and most guys are lazy as fuck and don’t do it. Be the guy who does it, and I’ll be like, damn this guy is a passionate lover. He’s the real deal. I’ll be a little intimidated which will make me feel vulnerable which is the same thing as peeling off my panties spiritually/emotionally.)

When you are going down on me, begin by just making out with my pussy. Just lay sweet kisses all over it, then focus on my clit. Be gentle. I repeat, be gentle. Circles with your tongue are great. I hate flicking. I see it in porn all the time and I don’t get it. Let your tongue be wide and slightly firm, I HATE that thing when a tongue gets all hard and pointy at the tip. Don’t make a dunce cap out of your tongue. Just lay your tongue on my clit and find movement that you can stick with for a while. For me, it’s a time game. So prepare to hang out, doing what you’re doing for a while. If I say I’m about to come, don’t suddenly go faster and harder. Keep doing what you’re doing. That’s how we got here.

Also, feel free to ask to watch me touch myself. -If you haven’t already, LEARN TO FIND THIS HOT. You will learn so much about how my particular body works by watching me work with it. This is also HELLA intimate, thus very erotic. AND, let’s just be honest- you’ll be letting me do some of the work for you. It’s not cheating, and it’s not diminishing your skills as a lover. It’s just me and you investing in the art of orgasm. BUT I’ll feel realllllly self-conscious if you don’t get into it with me (by kissing my earlobes & boobs & whispering sweet nothings in my ear). Anyway, enough said on that. You get it. It’s such an easy and useful thing to incorporate into your fucking practice. (Oh and if you happen to find yourself with a gal who isn’t used to this idea, try begging her for it. She might just need to really, really know she’s safe to be vulnerable like that.)

Anywho, after my pussy gets all this lovely attention… I’m going to reciprocate and you are going to enjoy every second of it. I’m very good at this. I won’t bring you to orgasm because I need that dick inside me at this point. I’ll be down there maybe half as long as your were down there on me, but that’s just because I don’t want all this boner time to happen outside of me. (Don’t worry, you’ll get plenty of head from me in general. If I have a satisfying sex session with you, I’ll put your dick on a pedestal. The power of the penis is a VERY REAL thing. He’s my hero. I want him to be happy.)

Once you’re inside of me, throw in an “Oh my God, you’re so beautiful.” straight off the bat, especially if I’m on top. Go slow and fast, wing it. Catch the vibe. Be assertive and communicative. Figure out positions by saying things like, “Does this feel good for you?”

This is probably a good time to mention, that if I haven’t had a clitoral orgasm, it’s very, very, very unlikely that I will have a G Spot orgasm. The clit orgasm is a gateway for me. So, if you’re ever feeling like, “Oh let’s be spontaneous and skip some foreplay and I’ll just push her panties to the side like Jay Z talks about on Beyonce’s ‘Drunk in Love’… you better plan to fuck some, STOP, eat me out (or 69 or do hand stuff) THEN get back inside me so we can BOTH finish. Don’t ‘be spontaneous,’ then come right away, and leave me high and dry while you’re in your fucking ‘refractory period.’ So rookie. So unsexy.

Oh, while I’m at it, this is also probably a good time to mention my period. If I’m on it, it’s not a big deal, we’ll just put a towel down. When giving oral, leave the tampon in and focus on the clit. Blood all over your hard dick is punk rock. To be clear, MEN WHO ARE GOOD IN BED DON’T MAKE PERIOD SEX A BIG DEAL. We’re all animals. We breathe, we eat, we bleed, we fuck. The more in touch with your primal self you are, the better you are in bed. This subject, in particular, separates the boys from the men. The exquisite lay and the underwhelming shag. The educated, confident male from the ignorant, fearful dude.

Anyway, after we’ve been enjoying some good ol’ sweaty fuckin’ for a while, when it’s time, you can come on my stomach, boobs, butt, or back. We’ll figure it out in the moment. Just ask me. Then just lie next to me and kind of hold me for a minute or two after. A “You’re so sexy,” would be great here. After that, if we’re at your place, get a towel, put warm water on it and clean me off. It’s a pro move and it’ll make you come across kind and smooth as fuck.

Hold me as we fall asleep. It’s just manly.

I’ll spend the night dreaming of your sweet, perfect cock and probably wake you up with a gorgeous blow job. Mazel tov!

[misskatie]

This blog is great. Also, the person who wrote this entry is not me, but might as well be.

[misskatie]

I’ve been on the keto diet for the past two weeks and a few days ago I had a dream where I was walking through the forest, harvesting donuts like one would harvest wild mushrooms. I had a basket and I would take a pocket knife and slice the clusters of donuts off of tree trunks. It was weird.

[starline]

Sometimes animations get cut for a variety of reasons in an edit, but I wanted to share this drawing I made of After Hours Katie living in Monica/Rachel’s apartment from Friends anyway. :D  

It would have been in the latest episode 14 Super Powers that Every Movie/TV Character Apparently Has. Go watch! It’s funny!

[misskatie]

LOOK AT THIS GORGEOUSNESS. Star has put me into my dream!

[misskatie]

Do you like aerobics? Do you like the experimental rock band Talking Heads? 

Then watch this video that I wrote! It was directed by Cascade Up and starring the hunky and committed Ryan Stanger! 

Guys, I love this video so much.

[vinceyface]

At Caroline’s suggestion I made an icebox pie for tonight. It’s a nutter butter and chocolate pie and it was sooooooooooooooo good.

[carolineeand-deactivated2015012]

Real good.

[misskatie]

Caroline and Vince came over for Thanksgiving and this was the most delicious thing EVER. 

[misskatie]

TUMBLR! I wrote a show and it is going up TOMORROW (12/1) at 5:30pm at UCB Sunset (5419 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90027)!

It's a sketch show where the sketches are inspired entirely by the music of the Talking Heads. If you're in LA and that sounds like something you're interested in, tickets can be purchased HERE.

[misskatie]

I am so excited because I've recently become a writer and performer for this fantastic web series called "Robbie the Space Raccoon" that's aimed at teaching kids awesome lessons in a silly way! Today, I make my debut as Sleep Robot! I would be eternally grateful if you watched it and shared it with your favorite wee ones!

Yay!

[misskatie]

GUYS.

My balls to the wall/kickass/silly/dark-as-fuck sketch team, DJ Faucet, is doing a ONE NIGHT ONLY hour long sketch-stravaganza at the Kirk Douglas Theater on July 5th! It starts at 8:00pm and the tickets are only $5.00!

If you live in LA, please try to make it out. We've been working so hard and I love making comedy with these folks.

If you don't live in LA, please pass this along to your friends that do! It's going to be a really fun show!

You can purchase tickets HERE.

I love you!

[misskatie]

Three Days Later

So many amazing, talented, and strong women that I know have posted their experiences of simply being a women in our society. Here are a few of mine: 

- Having "SLUT!" yelled at me from across the quad for the first couple of months of my freshman year of high school as a result of making out with a boy the summer prior, being manipulated into giving him a blowjob, and then having him tell a whole lot of people about it.

- Being at a park with a little girl that I sometimes nanny and having a man sit on a park bench close to us, aggressively mumbling things like "I'm gonna fuck you so bad" "Oh those fucking tits" "Suck my dick" and a whole lot more. I got the little girl out of there immediately and called the cops, but he had gone already. I took her home and left for rehearsal feeling so sad and gross and uncomfortable. I went to Jack In the Box for a burger because I just needed to eat my feelings. On the walk from there to the iO, a car full of men pulled up alongside me and catcalled me from the window. Double whammy.

- My friend Meg lives around the corner from me. It is about a three minute walk. I am afraid to walk there at night.

- I did a Game of Thrones themed improv show with a mashed up team, some who I knew, and some who I didn't. In a scene, I recalled the only thing that I could remember from GoT, which was a scene about a knight who saved Peter Dinklage, so he gave him a bag full of coins to get some prostitutes. The next day the prostitutes gave the money back to Peter Dinklage because the knight was so good in bed. A man on my team who I didn't know IMMEDIATELY tagged everyone out of the scene, grabbed me, and tried to pull me down on top of him.

- I was sent to the principal's office in high school because I was wearing a white tank top and "tank tops make boys think of the bedroom and then they think of having sex".

- I have repeatedly asked in sketch class "why does it have to be a rape joke?", and in doing so, been referred to as a wet blanket by male students.

- This morning it was hot, so I decided to put shorts on. I put them on and immediately became flushed with worry and thought "Do I really want to get catcalled today?" but everyone's courage with #yesallwomen made me wear them anyway. That fear about being objectified happens most days when getting ready. I hesitated to mention this event in this blog post, because I made it to the end of the day without getting catcalled and I thought that if I mentioned it, but it didn't happen today (never mind the thousands of other times that it has happened) that people wouldn't believe me. How fucked up is that?

This is just a smattering. There are worse things that have happened to me in this vein, but I don't feel comfortable sharing them in a public forum yet. Maybe some day. 

I love being a woman. I love our compassion and empathy and resilience. I love every single one of you. Thank you for your courage.

[misskatie]

From the Archives: Brenda and Sam

Brenda and Sam had been together for thirty-two years.

They met long ago, sitting at opposite ends of a long dinner table, glancing cautiously at each other as their mutual friend’s oak spanning conversations reached a raucous pitch. They each laughed exactly when they were supposed to, but they weren’t really listening.

Slowly, Brenda and Sam grew together, their individual selves wrapping tendrils around each other… pulling them closer.

They wed one autumn day, under the trees in Sam’s family backyard. Pledging love and companionship forevermore, hands clasped tightly together, Sam watched the warm sun flicker through the cream lace of Brenda’s dress. Four witnesses stood silent, smiling.

Brenda gave birth to their first child, Augusta, on the 6th of July. Being wide-awake most nights became their routine, as Augusta choked colicky screams from the nursery. Taking turns deep in the night, Sam and Brenda paced silently up and down the hallways, soothing their little girl with whispered songs.

With little rest and little to hide, all pretenses were removed. Every inch of Sam’s character had been revealed to Brenda; every hope, insecurity, blessing, and fault lay bare before her. In this openness she began to trust him, telling him every fear and every piece of her past.

As Augusta grew, their love became stronger.

This was not because their partnership was pristine and perfect at the start. There were sleepless nights of jealousy, forays into infidelity, and the days where they couldn’t speak to each other without the fear unloading every hidden hateful thought that they had ever possessed.

But they stayed. They were two people complete with prominent faults, but the thought of losing the presence of each other over these human failings was far too painful. They knew that they could be better for each other.

Augusta, just shy of nineteen, left for a college situated clear across the country. Brenda tried her best to give her daughter all of the love and wisdom that her mother had given her. She watched Sam squeeze Augusta with all of his might, so grateful that her husband was able to give their daughter the consistent and unwavering support that her father was so unable to give her.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sitting next to each other on the couch, in their empty home, they watched the news. Holding hands softly between them, they absorbed the words flowing out of the television.

Soon the sky would rain down speeding hunks of celestial dust, sparing no one. There was no time to cry or scream at the injustice. Sam and Brenda called clear across the country to their beautiful Augusta and her husband and their three sons. They tried, in that short time, to express every ounce of love from their souls, hoping that perhaps when this was all over and done with, these feelings would have left some indelible imprint on the plot where their house stood.

Once the phone had been placed back on the receiver, there was nothing more to do.

Brenda wrapped her arms around Sam, burying her head into his chest. He kissed her forehead, and squeezed her tightly.

Once the smoldering rain had subsided, there wasn’t much left. The buildings, trees, and cars had all burned into non-existence.

The dry wind picked up, carrying the ash across the town and softly settling it on Brenda and Sam.

Even in the uncertainty of their last moments, they had stayed entwined, comforted in the fact that they had spent the last thirty-two years of their life working towards something bigger than themselves.

And the world spun on.

Note: I found this short story on my hard drive tonight. I think I wrote it about three years ago when I was doing Pride and Prejudice at the South Coast Rep. I hope you enjoyed it.

[carolineeand-deactivated2015012]

Although the due date was a month away Jill took her evening to get her bills paid. And after the ding of the final invoice sent She saw in her inbox the invitation to an event:

Congratulations You’ve Been Invited To a Parade! Get excited!

"A parade? Why I can’t deal with all that ruckus." But...

[misskatie]

Oh hey. All of this.

[obligeme]

[misskatie]

Mike's faaaaaaaaaaace.

[carolineeand-deactivated2015012]

Forever Fredonia Fest.

[misskatie]

Just the coolest thing.

Brought me back to that fateful day....

Never forget...

[cracked]

Not for nothing, but Katie Willert IS America's sweetheart.

[misskatie]

Awwwww shucks!

[cracked]

I was a different person then, without patience or adult teeth.

4 Stories That Prove The Cracked Staff Fights Dirty

[misskatie]

This makes me happy.

[misskatie]

New Muddleberry video up! I wrote this one! 

Starring Anne Lane and David Brown. Directed and edited by Ryan Moulton, DP'd by Clay Larsen, produced by Ross Buran, gripped by Shannon Joy Rodgers and executive produced by Jacob Reed!