I haven’t written on here in a long time, years, but I have so much on my mind.
I will preface this with saying, I didn’t know, and maybe it makes me a horrible person because I am wishing I still didn’t know.
I met a man in October 2017, what’s new though, I am at this point a revolving door of men that always leave, it’s hard to believe there will ever be one that sticks. Anyway, this man began as a hookup, it was fairly obvious that was all he was going to be, and a rare hookup at that, but this past month something changed. I called him up once in early December, out of the blue, to come out and drink with my friend and I, mostly as a bootycall but whatever, and prior to that we hadn’t hung out since we met. So, he hung out with my friend and I and we drank and he came over to my home.
It was the beginning I guess you can say, that night was fine just as the first time, he was very sweet, very attentive, and we had true chemistry in that area. Always leaves with a hug and a kiss and whatnot, all very respectable and proper for someone who is just a hookup.
After this, we began to text more, in particular one night when I was feeling depressed I opened up to him a lot about feelings, my situation, the hopelessness I feel sometimes and he comforted me. We started hanging out a lot more, all in the realm of just hooking up still, but it became more frequent.
I met him this Friday for a drink with friends as usual, and because we were slightly passed tipsy when we went to my place we just fell asleep. He is the ultra cuddly type, and must always be touching. I normally don’t like this, but for some reason with him it made me feel safe, comforted, and appreciated. In fact, I have never in my life, with all my insecurities, felt more at ease in my body than with him. With him nothing feels awkward, I do not feel fat or ugly or not good enough, I can feel his appreciation for my body and that he likes it, flaws and all. When we are together, it is intimate and this last Friday it literally felt like we were in sync, like we were just completely together. That feeling of togetherness almost had me saying things like, “I really like you”. Instead I said, “Hey, let’s hang out completely sober next time.” He said we should and we planned a day of it for today, Sunday, but alas that did not happen. See, he showered and when he got out, me laying on my stomach somehow prompted him to give me a massage and get intimate again, and somewhere in the middle of it, not sure why, I asked, “By the way, do you have a girlfriend?” I didn’t think he did, but asked because what started as a hookup was turning into feelings on my part. I thought may as well cover my bases, but how could I ever think he had a girlfriend, when he spent whole weekends at my house before. He said, “Yes, I do.” I was shocked! I could not believe this, I couldn’t comprehend it and just asked, “Is it serious?” He told me, “Well why would I be in a relationship if it was not.” Fuck you! Why would you be here if it was? I can never understand this. Anyway, he proceeded to try and go another round, and I said, “No what is your problem?” He started getting dressed and said, “So you’re never going to call me again.” I told, “probably not” and he responded with, “we’ll see” I walked him out and he grabbed my hand and pulled me to him and gave me a hug. I just walked away without a backwards glance, feeling guilty and broken.
I had a girls night planned with friends that night, and where he has never cared before suddenly he was texting me things like, “don’t drink too much”, “when are you coming home?”, “don’t stay out too late”, “okay stay out until whenever, but don’t drink”, etc. This is not his usual, he never cares about that kind of thing. Anyway, I didn’t really respond to him and now I am just feeling broken, used, emotions played with.
The loss of someone whom I felt so comfortable and confident with, no matter the extent of our relationship, hurts. It feels like an important part of happiness in me is missing now and I want to continue to see him to fill it, but I know it is wrong. I also know I am worth more, and if he can do that to someone he is “serious” about he is not the man I thought he was and is not trustworthy. It still hurts though, it is still a loss because never in my life did I feel so at ease in my own skin around another human being before. I don’t know what to do, except write it down, and hope I will feel that kind of comfort and connection again.
