The Ramblings of Rosie

Angry Finnish AFAB enby. She/her or they/them, whichever floats your boat. Leftist SJW. Nazis can fuck off. I fail at being brief.

[missrosienorris]

Protests

I’m writing this short post because a part of me feels wonders if it’s wrong that I haven’t written any posts about the ongoing BLM protests and police violence in the US the way I have been writing about, say, how Joe Biden is a shit. Still, a bigger part of me is fairly certain that my thoughts on this issue do not matter and it would be performative of me to take up space with them, and I really don’t want to be a turd right now so Ive decided against it. I’m frankly not even sure whether even writing this post might be somewhat performative, but complete radio silence also seemed like a callous thing to do. Either way, I’m sorry for my uselessness in this regard, and hope you listen to black voices while I check myself, try to learn to be better and donate whatever money I can to the protesters. ACAB.

[missrosienorris]

Goodbye, wonderful boy

Today I lost older cat. The kidney failure which he has had for years but which has so far been very stable and slow progressing suddenly progressed rapidly in just a few weeks, and ultimately I made the decision to let him go before he started feeling sicker, as the prognosis was so very poor and I didn’t want him to have to suffer. I feel awful, but at least he got almost 12 years of good life, it’s not a mystery what was killing him as it was with younger cat, and he got to die at home, safe, painless and with a belly full of food. I know it’s not my fault that this happened and what I feel right now feels more like pure sorrow than sorrow mixed with a sense of overwhelming guilt and failure. I have been worried about his health for a good while, so in a sense, it’s even a relief to know that he’s at peace now, even though I will miss him something awful and probably won’t be anything resembling happy for a good while. He has been with me since I was 18, and I don’t know what life will look like without him. Probably shit. Is there anything about this godforsaken year that is not shit? Either way, rest in the utmost peace, my sweet, wonderful boy. It was a joy to be your human.

[missrosienorris]

The Election that is Bad, Part 3

CW: lots of politics, mentions of ableism, a hint of racism and abusive behaviour, also a little corona at the end

Statement of potential privileges and biases: Translucently white. Finnish, and thus less directly affected by US elections, although I’d argue the whole world should be concerned about them. AFAB enby. Probably a gray ace with no gender preference, but frankly I’m not quite sure wtf I am. Rather far left but haven’t found an appropriate ideological label. University educated. Middle class. Young-ish (is 30 still young?) My mental health is ass.

So, I’ve already made a few posts about the US presidential election and the shit it’s stirring up, which is why I’m now giving the series a name. In this post I’m going to lengthily bitch about some arguments between Biden and Sanders supporters that I’m currently seeing a lot, and I’m already planning another post that’ll be a more personal rant about how I’ve had to make a purge in my parasocial relationships because so so so many of the people I follow have morphed into dicks during this election season (or perhaps revealed themselves to be dicks, I can’t assess which one from afar).

In this post I won’t be discussing Biden or Sanders themselves or their policies all that much, but I will summarize where my allegiances lie here for the record, not that my opinion is likely to surprise anyone who’s read any of my stuff before:

I think Biden’s policies suck, albeit not as much as Trump’s but that’s a low bar to clear. I think he’s a neoliberal and a sleazeball, I don’t like his incoherent speaking style or his proneness to temper tantrums and were I American, I’m not sure I could bring myself to vote for him in the general even for harm reduction purposes (but to make it crystal clear, I would never vote Trump either, it would be third party or blank in that case). I think he will lose to Trump if he is the nominee.

I have a soft spot for Sanders despite being way to the left of him, he’s a socdem at best and I’ve never voted for a socdem in my life. However, in a US context, he would be a major step to the left, his policies are alright, and he’s way more coherent than Biden. Some people on the left flanks say he’s too nice and that’s probably true, socdems tend to be like that, but my lizard brain finds the niceness endearing even though I think it’s politically not ideal. I would vote for him in a heartbeat and I have given him money (funneled through a clothing vendor, so yeah I’m a foreign interference Russian bot). I think his chances to beat Trump would be better than Biden’s. Not great, mind you, Trump has quite an advantage going into the general and I’m not sure he’s beatable, although I sure hope he is.

Alright, now then, onto my long-ass rant about bad political arguments.

So, at the time I’m writing this, it sure looks like Biden will be the Democratic nominee, the race isn’t called yet but it’s looking pretty hopeless for the Sanders campaign. Consequently, the Bidenists are looking for everyone to rally around Biden and the Berners are pissed and/or discouraged and many of them are considering not voting or voting third party (and I guess some are considering voting Trump, but I genuinely think that group is real small and I’m ignoring them because fuck anyone who would do that).

Now, there are arguments for both of these stances that I find understandable. Like, I get the Bidenist argument that Trump is worse and therefore a vote for Biden is harm reduction, and I get the concern for the supreme court. I’m not convinced by these arguments, but I get them. On the flip side, I'm very sympathetic to the arguments that Biden is corrupt and awful, and that while Trump may be worse in the short term, voting for Biden will tell the Democratic party that they can keep putting up shitty status quo nominees and progressives will just take it, and thus the party won’t change and more people will be hurt by that in the long run. This is probably the position I’d take if I were in the US, as stated above.

Either way, these types of arguments from either side are pretty reasonable, but they’re not really the ones I’m hearing the most, at least not on the ol’ internet. What I’m hearing is a lot of crap, and I’m now going to list said crap and bitch about it.

1. Biden has dementia and keeping him in the race is elder abuse.

I want to get this real oof one out of the way first, because I drag Biden a bunch and will continue to do so, but this I don’t like. Yeah, the guy is incoherent when he speaks and lashes out a lot, but we shouldn’t be armchair diagnosing him or accusing anyone of abuse without proper evidence of that. I think it’s fair to criticize him for the way he behaves and to point out that Trump will definitely use that against him, but leave health assessments to professionals. Also, I get that a presidential candidate must be scrutinized more than the general public, but some of the stuff y'all are writing about people with cognitive disabilities is like super ableist and not cool. Don’t call people soup brains, for example, that’s trash behaviour.

2. Not voting in the general/voting third party is a vote for Trump.

Hey fuck off, no it’s fucking not. A vote for Trump is a vote for Trump. I get voting strategically, I really do, but the people who choose not to vote strategically are not voting for Trump. Doesn’t matter what the reason is, if you don’t vote for Trump you don’t vote for Trump and are not to blame for Trump. It’s unbelievably shitty to accuse people of being equal to Trump supporters if they don’t line up behind a particular other candidate.

3. Sanders supporters who won’t vote for Biden in the general are making that choice out of pettiness and/or childishness.

This is some ad hominem bullshit and also kinda contrary to the whole “unite the party behind Biden” thing, you don’t typically woo voters by calling them pissbabies. Especially young people don’t tend to respond well to frumpy people condescendingly telling them to grow up. Also it’s usually not true. Most people I know of that aren’t voting for Biden have well rounded reasons why, typically that they think voting for Biden would make things worse in the end. And unless someone tells you why they’re not voting for Biden, you don’t really know their reasons, so assuming “petty and childish” reflects more on you than it does on them.

4. Anyone who WOULD vote for Biden in the general is either a not a real progressive or a “low information” voter.

Shut up about that. Trump is a nightmare and many feel that four more years of him would be so disastrous that they’d rather take four years of Biden as the lesser of two evils. Being super scared of Trump and going the harm reduction route is not a sign that you’re uninformed or not progressive enough, I may disagree with it but not for that reason. The “low information” thing also seems to be directed at minorities a lot, which is kinda gross. Talk about voter suppression and try to reach out to people, absolutely, but sort of implying that minorities are ignorant is not a good look to have.

5. I was for Warren and now I’m for Biden because Sanders supporters are abusive.

I don’t have as strong an opinion on this one as the other ones, I just feel like it’s a super weird take to jump from supporting (relatively) progressive policies to supporting whatever it is Biden’s got going on because some of the Bernie crowd are kinda dicks (which I’m not denying by the way, I’ve seen them, I just feel like policy is more important). As I stated above, I’m not about to start accusing anyone of being a fake progressive or whatever, I’m just saying it’s a little weird and if there are any Warrenites out there who would like to explain it to me that would be swell. Preferably explain it civilly, since many of the #WarrenToBiden types I’ve seen have been surprisingly abusive themselves considering their stance on the whole Bernie bro thing.

6. Not voting for Biden in the general is a sign that you’re privileged and aren’t that affected by the vote, and that you don’t really care if minorities suffer another four years of Trump. Or the converse, voting for Biden in the general is a sign that you’re privileged and aren’t that affected by a continuation of the status quo, and that you don’t care if minorities suffer in the long run.

This argument can just fuck off whatever side it comes from. It’s another ad hominem attack and super reductive, both the people rallying behind Biden and the #NeverBiden people are a diverse bunch. Some are privileged, some are not, and this generalization helps no one. Especially cringe is when someone who is decidedly not part of a minority of any kind makes this argument, which I’m seeing A LOT of. I’m all for identity politics, but this ain’t it.

7. Sanders has said he will support Biden if Biden is the nominee, so you should too.

Why? Sanders isn’t flippin’ Jesus, it’s completely possible to support him and still disagree with him on occasion. I’m not quite satisfied with his explanations considering his record on guns, for example, nor do I think he should co-opt the term “democratic socialist” when he’s really just a socdem (although it is admittedly very funny to see conservative Americans freaking out over the mention of socialism). It’s not weird to not be a sycophant, personality cults are not a good thing.

You know, I’ll probably come up with like 100 more bad arguments I’ve seen floating around once i press the “Post” button, but it’s 3 AM and this post is already dragging even by my standards so maybe I’ll release another one of these at a later date. Until then, please wash your hands, stay safe if you belong to a risk group, and if you don’t belong to a risk group, don’t be a fuckface and hoard the supplies they need or endanger them by not following recommendations to limit the spread. I’ve had a probably-just-a-cold this week and you bet your ass I haven’t left my apartment even once just in case it wasn’t just a cold and I ended up murdering a grandma. Just don’t be pricks.

[missrosienorris]

Who will we blame if Trump wins again?

So I just tuned out of the live updates from Super Tuesday 2 as the results are too depressing and I’m not masochistic enough to follow them anymore. And while I will support Sanders’s campaign for as long as it runs, it looks like we’re stuck with Joe Biden, and thus, Trump, because Biden won’t win. “Moderate” Democrats (scare quotes because what’s considered moderate in the US is, like, ridiculously right wing in any country that makes any sense) and the party establishment can attempt to coalesce and call for party unity all they like, but I very much doubt that the youngsters or the progressives will show up in the general in any meaningful quantity.

Obviously this means we’ll never hear the end of the narrative that another four years of Trump is the fault of the “Bernie bros” throwing a tantrum or whatever, and you know what, fuck you. I ain’t American so I wouldn’t be voting in any case, but I completely understand anyone that won’t bother voting in the general or votes third party if the choices are this shitty (no sympathy for the hypothetical ones that switch from Bernie to Trump though, but I suspect that crowd is pretty small). You want the young and progressive vote, don’t put up a weak-ass status quo candidate with a terrible record. That’s not the fault of the voters, that’s the party’s fault. And Joe Biden’s obviously, he shouldn’t be running. Also I’m laying some of the blame on the big names that have endorsed him, like Buttigieg and Klobuchar and Bloomberg and O’Rourke and Booker and flippin’ Andrew Yang. Lol at the ones who thought Yang was on the progressive side by the way, he’s just a run of the mill capitalist and run of the mill capitalists will never change the status quo. Speaking of which, Elizabeth Warren is also at fault here for not endorsing Sanders. So some of his supporters are mean online, well some of the Warrenites in my feed are colossal dicks too and I don’t think that reflects badly on Elizabeth Warren. What does reflect badly on Elizabeth Warren is prioritizing online civility over policy. Mostly, tho, the ones to blame for four more years of Trump are the people who actually vote for him, the GOP ghouls who line up behind him, the assholes who fund him and just racists, fascists and Nazis in general.

And, if the Democratic party somehow managed to get people to “unify” around Biden and he somehow managed to beat Trump, I don’t know, man, I’m not sure that’s really much better. I have some mainly Warren-leaning people in my feed who think a “protest vote” would be “misguided”, but when the party is this fucking corrupt and far right, I really, really don’t know man. Maybe it would be better if the party split and the progressives went elsewhere, from a long term perspective at least. I get that people are concerned about the supreme court but like, Biden is a conservative prick too and not even properly pro choice. And he’s not gonna be tough enough on climate change for it to matter any, it’s not enough to just go back to whatever Barack Obama did, we need more aggressive policies. Same goes for immigration and foreign policy, Trump is absolutely the worst in that regard but Obama was also very very ass and Biden would be too. And if people unify around Biden, it sort of gives the Democratic party permission to just never ever actually change and continue being a super right wing cesspool that’s in the pocket of Wall Street. I would never hope for a Trump win because fuck that guy, but I can’t say a Biden win would be any good either.

Either way, I’m sticking with Sanders for as long as he’s in the race, even though you have to go through some loopholes to send money his way legally when you’re not from the US (personally I bought a dope Sanders sweater from a US vendor that’s donating their profits to the campaign). But it ain’t looking good, and that’s not the fault of the progressives. Or I mean, if you’re a progressive who could have voted in a primary but didn’t, then maybe fuck you a bit (but only if you really could have voted, if your vote was suppressed then that’s on the party). I’m also really hoping progressives won’t stop organizing and quiet down in the wake of this, though I really get the impulse because this shit’s demoralizing af. But people’s lives are on the line, heck, the entire planet is on the line. Anyone who is able to should try to participate at least a bit. But as it looks now I’m sure glad I haven’t had any kids, because the future looks like trash.

[missrosienorris]

Joe Biden is not an acceptable presidential candidate

You know, a week or so ago I was going to write this long and detailed post about the various democratic presidential candidates and their supporters from the perspective of a non-American, but I didn’t manage to put my thoughts together coherently enough and it never amounted to anything. But now, as Super Tuesday results are pretty much in from all but California, I can pretty confidently say that the US is a fucked up dystopia and I hate that you guys have the political power you do because you are dooming not just yourselves, but us all.

Joe Biden will not beat Trump. He is an incoherent old man who can’t string together a sentence and whose policy decisions are just a continuation of the status quo you got going over there already, and that’s just not enough. People, particularly younger ones, are not going to come out and vote for Joe Biden, Trump is going to win just on low turnout alone. Which means we’re all royally screwed, because we need to tackle climate change right the fuck now and there ain’t a snowballs’ chance in hell that Trump will do that.

So basically, if you voted for Biden, thanks for fucking all of us over. And honestly at this point, if you voted for Elizabeth Warren on Super Tuesday, the same goes for you. You split the progressive vote for a candidate that betrayed her own principles on super PACs despite having no realistic chances of winning, I cannot fathom what went through you head there. Honestly tho, I don’t know why I even expected the US not to disappoint for once, as that pretty much never happens. I feel sorry for any sensible person living there.

[missrosienorris]

Everything and everyone sucks

CW: depression, the fash, leftist despair, enbyphobia

Yeah, I’m still here, even though it’s been over a year since I posted anything. The reason for that is that I am severely depressed, like really bad, and I’m losing hope that there will ever be a time when I won’t be depressed. It’s not easy to be hopeful when it’s been 10+ years and you’re just not snapping out of it despite doing both therapy and meds. It’s just an extremely dark place to be in.

I have several theories as to why my depression appears to be incurable, and the truth is probably a mix of all of them and perhaps something else that I haven’t thought of yet. I believe part of it is genetic, as my parents (my mom in particular) have both suffered from decades of depression as well, so thanks for those shit genes you dickheads. They also never sought help for their issues and never taught me how to deal with negative emotions appropriately, so nurture is likely a big part of why I can’t cope as well. A third issue is that my temperament is just fucking crap, I’m sensitive like a mushy potato, everything scares me and I have an extremely short fuse. A fourth is that I am utterly confused and dysphoric about my gender and my sexuality, I just have no fucking idea who I am or what I want in that regard and it’s just a big ol’ mess. And then there’s the fifth thing, which is the one I would like to discuss today: partially, I’m depressed because so much about the world just genuinely sucks.

Looking at the world right now is fucking heartbreaking for a bleeding heart leftie like myself. Capitalism (and no, I don’t mean crony capitalism or late stage capitalism, I mean the entire economic system and I’ll fight you to the death on that) has brought us to a point where money always matters more than people, large corporations can do whatever they want and parts of the world are literally on fire, and instead of tackling these issues we have fascists plopping up everywhere and making everything so much worse by blaming all our white people problems on the brown people from countries that we ourselves fucked up for (what else) monetary gain. It’s just messed up beyond belief. I’m not even going to get into Trump, let’s just say that if I was religious or spiritual in any sense I would take him as a sign that the world is ending. He, and the fact that he won’t be impeached because republicans have no morals and no spines, is a perfect symbol for how utterly we’ve failed as a species. I may not live in the US, but damn you fuckheads are dragging us all to hell in a hand basket. (Note: by “you fuckheads”, I’m not referring to sensible Americans, just Trumpers, Republicans and those who think that Joe Biden is an acceptable presidential candidate. You need Sanders. The others are trash.)

Then again, the left fucking sucks too. NOT AS BAD AS THE RIGHT, so don’t get any ideas about my political allegiances here, but hot damn we suck. The world is burning around us, and we’re way too focused on our own in-fighting to get anything meaningful done. And I’m not going to be cute about it, of course I’m talking about Contrapoints since that’s what we’ve currently chosen to focus on instead of, idk, the bush fires that are burning up half of Australia or the impending Iran war or the fact that people still think Joe Biden is an acceptable presidential candidate. And now I’m doing it too, because I suck as well, but also because I think it highlights a bigger issue that we definitely have on the left. Call it cancel culture or wokescolding or purity testing or gatekeeping or whatever you feel like, I’m not really here to argue semantics. I just find that we suffer from a lack of nuance and, what is worse, a lack of basic human empathy in certain situations, and it’s extremely off putting to me.

So, Contrapoints did a bad. She had Buck Angel in a video and tweeted some shit about enbies that wasn’t great (full disclosure though, to my personal sensibilities the tweets weren’t all that offensive, but your mileage may vary and I’m not here to police what you’re allowed to be offended by). As someone whose gender is, as I stated above, a mess, and is certainly somewhere on the enby spectrum, I think being hurt by this behaviour is understandable and acceptable, as is criticizing her for it. But that ain’t what happened is it. What happened was straight up harassment no matter how you slice it. A short association with a problematic person and a couple of problematic tweets are just not grounds for driving someone back into alcoholism and hounding their friends to denounce them entirely, that shit is ridiculous and anyone who participated in that should be ashamed of themselves. If you don’t want to support her anymore because of her actions, that’s fine. I, for example, don’t support Vaush because to me, he’s just another white guy who’s way too enamored with himself to recognize his privileges and he’s way too cool with slurs and other questionable shit like telling people to kill themselves. So I don’t like him and I avoid him. I suggest you do the same with Natalie if you can’t phrase your criticism like a grownup. Call that tone policing if you want, I think there is a difference to be made between tone policing and not condoning outright harassment. And above all, the world is burning. I wish we could focus more on that than the fact that Contrapoints did a dumb.

See, the right don’t have this issue. Partially, this is to be expected since the right doesn’t really give a rat’s ass about human rights anyway, so why would they take offense with one of their own saying some crap. The left is better at holding our own accountable, which is not a bad thing UNLESS we do it like this. We’re no match for the right if we keep eating each other. Now obviously your mileage may vary on what you find acceptable, but could we at least agree that harassment is bad and save our punches for the Nazis? No? Ok. We’re doomed anyway, so why even bother anymore. We’ve already lost.

[missrosienorris]

Body image, sexuality, gender identity and such tumblr-appropriate stuff

Content warning: what the title says. And I don’t much censor myself, so if you’re uncomfortable discussing body parts or sexuality you may want to skip ahead. It’s not that graphic in my opinion, but to each their comfort zone. Unless your comfort zone is edgelord and you hate content warnings, ‘cause whoops, you already read it.

I have a strange relationship with my body. In general, I’m fairly comfortable in it and it just sort of tags along without me giving that many shits about it. I don’t watch my weight, I don’t worry about the tiny flaws, scars and wrinkles that are steadily accumulating on it and most of the days I don’t wear make-up, because honestly I look just fine without it (save perhaps for the dark circles under my eyes, but that’s more a sleep than a body thing). But despite this, ever so often I find that I have a massive problem with my sexual characteristics. I don’t know why this is exactly, I wasn’t raised in a shushy environment where you’re taught to be ashamed of your genitals or anything, but somehow I’ve still ended up being somewhat dysphoric about them. It’s not a gender thing, I wouldn’t want to carry around a dick and balls either and my gender identity seems to have no particular connection to which organs I possess, I’m fairly sure it’s more of a sexuality thing.

I don’t know if I’d identify as wholly asexual or some variant of a grey ace, but I’ve never wanted to sleep with another person, so having a vagina is just an unnecessary pain in the ass with no particular perks. Because seriously, these things are kind of high maintenance. Even excluding the drag which is periods (which you shouldn’t, because they’re the worst and take so much fucking time and money to deal with) they’re still messy all the damn time since they can’t very well dry out without turning into an infernal itch fest. You can’t wash anywhere near them too much or with normal soap or they’ll go apeshit and become a breeding ground for yeast and bacterial infections, but then again if you wash too little that’s kinda disgusting too so you constantly have to tweak the balance, and that’s fucking way too much work for an organ that I don’t use. And I don’t have any particular use for my tits either, I mean they look fine but I ain’t having children and the useless damn bags are sore half the month, and are also the bodypart that is most likely to cancer-murder me, so they sort of piss me off as well. I don’t know if there is a name for this type of dysphoria and I’m too lazy to google it, but I know at least one other asexual person that has the same issue.

(I’m not attempting to shame anyone else’s vagina or boobs though, if you like yours and/or don’t find them anywhere near as high maintenance and difficult as I do, then brilliant, I’m happy it works for ya.)

So that was that, anyway, now that I’ve gotten started LET’S TALK both gender identity and sexual orientation. Because honestly I find those a bit confusing and alien too, in the sense that I don’t feel very strongly about either. I don’t feel like I’m necessarily a woman, I mean that’s what people generally view me as and I don’t really mind that, but do I identify as a woman, no, not really. I don’t feel like I identify as any particular gender, I’m a whatever of some sort. So I guess that would make me non-binary, but I don’t feel super strongly about that either, so my theory is that my brain just doesn’t really get the concept of gender and doesn’t care. Which obviously doesn’t mean that I don’t care about gender issues, I most certainly (and according to some relatives, obnoxiously) do, just not as they relate to myself. 

My attitude toward gender is quite possibly also the reason why I’m not sure I have much of a sexual/romantic orientation. If I were to get involved with someone, I don’t see myself giving two shits about whether they were a man or a woman or neither. So according to my very scientific google research that would make me some sort of hybrid between an ace and a pansexual/panromantic, and it’s all somewhat confusing but also quite fascinating, since it’s apparently not just me being, let’s say non-traditional in regards to this subject. I’m lucky in the sense that I have no religious dogma that I must try to fit my exploration of the subject into and the people I hang with offline are all progressive lefties too, so it’s a pretty safe environment. Which reminds me that Putin can fuck right off with his bigoted bullshit, and the same goes for the Annoying Orange. I was already at one protest today, but the meeting is going down tomorrow so I might go again, even though it’s fucking inhumanely hot in Finland at the moment.

[missrosienorris]

Slump and Trump

You know that scene in season two of Stranger Things where Nancy gets super drunk and starts calling everything bullshit? That’s about me at the moment (save for the drunk part, but I’m just as good at it sober). I’m having a bit of a slump in my mental health at the moment. Not that my mental health is ever particularly GOOD as evidenced by the entirety of this blog, but as of late it’s more markedly not good than it usually is. And for a change I have a fairly good idea why, instead of the usual slumpiness where it just waxes and wanes on its own.

Since younger cat died I have been a mess. It’s not very noticeable on the outside both because I am pretty stellar at faking it and because I’ve hidden behind overperformance: this spring I’ve both finished my thesis with an above average grade and worked a full time job at a pace that is on average 35 % faster than my coworkers (yes, I actually did the math because I was worried I was UNDERperforming and got anxious). So my cognitive functions are fine, but emotionally I’m a wreck. I haven’t slept through the night for months, life has a meaningless, dull and grey feel to it and my inner critic has gotten so loud that I’ve named her. (Not because I ACTUALLY think she’s a separate personality or voice in my head, I’ve never had any symptoms of psychosis, giving the “other you” that’s being irrational a name as to separate it from your core was something that was recommended in the info package I got about managing OCD. So far I don’t find it particularly helpful, albeit not unhelpful either.) I think that her death really messed with my head, and I have a psychoanalytical theory about that which I’m sure my former therapist would love.

So as also evident by the entirety of this blog, I have some mommy issues that in their simplest form can be boiled down to unmet emotional needs and feeling cast aside and abandoned. Partially as a result of that I have decided to never have any human children lest I end up failing them. However, my cats have very much become like children to me, and I’ve ended up building huge chunks of my personality around them. This was especially true for younger cat, since she was both the most loving cat imagineable and chronically ill and in thus need of a lot of care. Keeping her healthy and happy became almost a mission that my life circled around, because I could not and did not want to fail someone I loved as a child. And then she died. At a lot younger than cats usually do. Boom. The ultimate failure. And since then, on top of the grief, I’ve pretty much felt like I’m worthless no matter what I accomplish and gotten very limited enjoyment out of anything, no matter how much I love it. For example, I love older cat just as much if not more than before, and I love the babies, but they don’t make me happy like having cats used to. Obviously I still spoil them rotten and care for every little need they have, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about myself. It takes me about a decade to do chores (except for the litter box that I clean daily to keeps the kitties happy), I keep skipping and forgetting meals and meds and as stated earlier I don’t sleep either. I’m either angry or sad all the time, and though I’ve had some issues with skin picking before, it now seems to have become rather compulsive and I look like a damn mess. Luckily my immune system is a fucking tank, so I probably won’t die from a horrific infection.

Either way, I don’t get why the fuck Finland is so damn welcoming of Donald Trump and his boyfriend Putin, who are having a meeting right here in my city on Monday. We’re basically polishing the streets for them and just generally licking their asses, and it’s disgusting and disgraceful and sucks. At least there will be protests, which you can bet your ass I will be at, but still, it’s fucking pathetic. No spine and no integrity. So fuck us for that.

[missrosienorris]

Things my parents have told me

When I first became depressed, I have a very clear image of my father telling me that life will never really be good again. That was obviously not something I wanted to believe, but it stuck with me. It has been ten years since then now, and a few hours ago I got home from a group therapy session that left me feeling drained and angry with myself, which seems to be my go-to feeling nowadays. I’ve never particularly liked myself, but this spring I’ve been blaming myself more than usual for things that, rationally speaking, are unlikely to be my fault, and the depression that had been somewhat at bay has come back again, the pest. This is probably mostly due to the fact that I failed to save younger cat’s life and older cat is persistantly sick too without me being able to do much about it. Apart from not really handling grief well I also can’t handle loss of control (which is an OCD thing that I should work on, but it’s ingrained af so we’ll have to see how that goes). And it has got me thinking about what my dad told me all those years ago, because I find myself starting to believe it. I know that’s not a good attitude to have. But it’s been ten years. That’s a third of my life that I’ve struggled with keeping my own mind somewhat in check. It can bring one down a bit. Another thing I realized is that that’s not the only thing my parents have told me that has stuck with me, and I thought I might chronicle the other things I remember with this degree of clarity. Obviously this is not everything they’ve told me, my childhood wasn’t THAT shit, but these are things that my sensitive self put up on a bulletin board inside my brain and run through ever so often without really knowing why I’m doing it. This is also one of the many reasons I won’t have children, because I’m always fucking running my mouth and don’t want a kid to make a brain bulletin board of all the shit I say. Anyway. Here’s my list.

“My first thought was that you were ugly and slimy and looked like an alien.” -Mom, about when I was born

“You’re a sulky child.” -Mom, in general

“You’re very lazy.” -Dad, in general

“You’re a drama queen.” -Mom, about my fear of the dentist

“You’re a hypochondriac.” -Mom, in general

“Two friends is plenty. I barely had one when I was your age.” -Mom, when reaching out about my loneliness

“I think that’s loathsome.” -Dad, about me preferring to spend time with grandma rather than mom

“This is a show. You don’t really feel this way.” -Mom, when I got scared by her anger over me wanting to keep some stuffed animals she wanted to take to the flea market

“You and grandma just gang up on me.” -Mom, about me complaining to grandma about having to switch schools and not being able to see my only friend every day anymore

“I cry only when I’m alone.” -Dad, about showing emotions

“Living in a fantasy world like that is sick.” -Both, about my escapism as a teen

“You need to redo this.” -Mom, about a B

“It’s either drugs or pulling yourself together.” -Mom, when I first became depressed

“It never really gets good again.” -Dad, about life when you’ve become depressed

“Don’t tell anyone you take these.” -Mom, about antidepressants 

“I can’t be nice to you when you’re hysterical. If I’m nice you just become a wet pile who can’t get up.” -Mom, after an extremely severe panic attack

“I should just join doctors without borders since I’m such a burden to you.” -Mom, when trying to talk about depression

“We’re skeptical.” -Both, about therapy

“Your brother made us dinner today, and washed the dishes as well. Maybe you should compare yourself to that.” -Mom, when opening up about feeling less loved than my brother and comparing myself to him constantly

“I should just kill myself, I’ve ruined your life anyway.” -Mom, on a Christmas trip of horrors

[missrosienorris]

Life at the moment

So, in my last post I set up some goals for myself. Now, the truth is that I quite rarely accomplish my goals, partially because I apparently tend to set them a bit high at times and partially because I have the patience of a gnat and am not good with long projects that require a lot of planning and time. (As attested to by my atrocious, still-not-finished thesis. It’s not the amount of work as it is really not much harder than my day job, it’s having the patience to keep at it, especially when it’s boring af.) This time I did surprisingly well, even though it didn’t go exactly as I had planned it out.

Firstly, I said I would find myself a therapist. The situation on that front took an unexpected but somewhat interesting turn that I find myself increasingly cool with. But let me start by saying that HOLY SHIT trying to find a therapist in Finland is a garbage process and someone really needs to get on that. First of all, you get no help, zip, nada, zero. You have to scour the internet yourself and try to weed out some candidates in a sea of lacking descriptions, lacking contact information, lacking everything. But I am adept at the internet, so I did.

I wrote ten therapists who seemed to somewhat fit my criteria (which were pretty much woman, CBT-leaning, experienced and available to take on new patients). Half of them never replied, three weren’t able to take on new patients even though their sites said they were, one was in the middle of some iffy moving arrangement that I didn’t feel like dealing with and the only one I actually met started the session by telling me how lackluster my prognosis was and then when I talked about my family she explained how she knows that although we’re so big on equality nowadays she always sees these mental health problems in families where the mother is more in control than the father, and I was like yeah. No.

So at this point I was like fuck me, this is hopeless. But then I had a chat with the psychologist that’s covered by my healthcare benefits at work, and she was like “you know, we just made a deal about what kind of healthcare will be covered by your employer this year, and they’re going to cover group therapy. I think that could work pretty well for your situation, would you be interested in it?” Now in the past I was socially awkward to a painful degree so I had always ruled out group therapy from the get-go, so my first instinct was to decline, but then I though about it some and changed my mind. Over the last few years I have found that I’m actually rather sociable, my social skills have improved considerably and opening up about my mental health issues to perfect strangers has never been an issue for me as I don’t keep that stuff secret anyway so I though hey, why not give it a shot.

So that’s what I’m doing. It’s still in it’s infancy, as I have only done the two initial interviews so far and not met the group yet, but I am feeling really good about it. The psychologist who will be running the group is very experienced and also quite nice as a person, I feel like she gets me and perhaps best of all, she has no problem with using hard science and medical terminology, which is immensely helpful to me. I don’t believe it’s healthy to be excessively focused on diagnosis since mental health is so complex and variable, but I find that having a label for some of the soup that is my mind helps me de-clutter and honestly makes me feel less like a crazy person. For example, I had realized that my constantly low mood probably isn’t normal and my intense health worries are rather obsessive, but hearing a professional actually say “PDD” and “OCD” sort of validates that the problem isn’t just that I’m a weird-ass dingbat and overreacting, I have some legit disorders and that isn’t my fault. (Which obviously doesn’t mean that I don’t need to do anything about them or that I can use them as an excuse for behaving like a shit, don’t worry, I’m not going down that route.) Her using the proper terms and not being vague and roundabout also makes me feel like I’m being treated like an adult and not babied, which is important to me since I really really hate being treated like I lack the ability to comprehend shit. So that’s where that’s at, and I’m feeling optimistic.

Secondly, I said I would resolve my existing vet bills, set aside some money for unexpected vet expenses, get older cat’s stomach under control and make sure the new cats have insurance. This I have mostly done. The bills are paid, and although I have not technically set aside a specific sum of money I now have a credit card that is reserved for unexpected vet bills only. I have not used it at all yet. Older cat’s stomach is still acting up some, it appears he has a bit of IBD, but the diet and medication has been re-vamped again and the situation has improved. And pet insurance has been added to my insurance package, although obviously it does not cover older cat due to the large amount of pre-existing conditions. But it covers the babies.

Third, the babies. That has been an interesting ride. I did adopt from a shelter as I said I would, but the cats ended up being a girl and a boy instead of two girls like I had planned, not that that matters much. The thing that went funny is the age. They were estimated to be around 6 months of age, and they were about the typical size for that age so I thought nothing of it. But when they had been with me for about a week I took the boy to the vet because he was peeing like 7 or 8 times a day which is quite often and I wanted to make sure he didn’t have a UTI. (Which he didn’t. Apparently he just has a small bladder.) Anyway, during the examination the vet checked his teeth and was like “yeah, this one is definitely like 1-2 years old rather than 6 months, his teeth are quite developed and really need a cleaning”. So he’s technically not a baby, and I need to have his teeth cleaned, but honestly that’s no biggie, shit happens. I was slightly peeved that the shelter hadn’t checked the teeth, that’s pretty routine, but they were very cooperative when I reported it to them and are even paying a part of the cost of the cleaning, so it’s all good. I don’t blame them for being mistaken about the age, because he is very small for an adult cat and the vet told me it’s actually rather difficult to determine a cat’s age. So we’re heading in for a teeth cleaning in about a week, and I’m taking the girl with me too so the vet can check whether her age estimate was more accurate (they are not from the same litter, they just lived together at one of the shelter volunteers’ place while looking for a home). She is growing a bunch though, which he doesn’t seem to be, so her estimate might be closer to the truth. And if it isn’t, whatever. They’re sweet, sterile, chipped, vaccinated and checked for FIV and FeLV, and that’s way more important than the age being bang on the mark.

The first weeks with the newbies have gone nicely. I will refer to them as girl kitty and boy kitty for now, since I guess at least for the boy, kitten wouldn’t be accurate and the girl is honestly already too big in size to be called a kitten because she really grows like a weed. Both have adjusted really well to their new environment despite being very shy at first. Older cat has taken well to them too and there has been almost zero conflict between them and him, I think he hissed at girl kitty like once when she was being too forward and that was it. Now they all sleep in the same bed and particularly girl kitty and older cat are becoming very close.

Girl kitty is still a little reserved towards people and you can’t really pick her up yet, but if you let her come to you on her own accord she is quite friendly and cuddly. She seems like she might become quite a big cat and has quite strong legs, so she jumps and climbs a lot. She’s quite playful, but a bit shy about playing with people. She’s constantly getting braver though, so I think she might be more people-loving in the future. (And if she isn’t, that’s fine too. Not every cat has to love sitting on your lap or being picked up, as long as it’s possible to handle them if they need to be given medicine or boxed up for travel it’s all dandy.)

Boy kitty on the other hand is quite a people-lover. He often rolls around on his back on the floor looking for cuddles and is fine with being picked up as well. He is not yet quite sure about sitting on your lap for more than a little while, but I have a feeling he might be the type to do that in the future. One thing he hasn’t quite comprehended yet is that people aren’t toys and don’t really like being nibbled on, even if the nibbles are obviously playful and definitely not bites. So I’m trying to teach him that, hopefully he’ll pick up on it. Boy kitty is extremely active and playful and will play with people, other cats, by himself, whatever works. He’s not as good a jumper as girl kitty but quite adept at climbing. He’s also a bit of a rascal and has already chewed a pair of my headphones and sometimes annoys girl kitty with his roughhousing. But in general they like each other quite well, they often sleep on top of each other and lick each other’s coats.

So that’s life at the moment. I still miss younger cat heaps, dream about her and cry about her regularly, but I think I’ll live. And older cat isn’t lonely anymore, which has done him good, so that’s a big relief.

[missrosienorris]

Grief Blog II

It’s been a little over a month since younger cat died, and I think it’s fair to say neither I nor older cat are coping particularly well. Older cat is lonely and mopey and has developed a constipation problem that has warranted two vet visits, be it from the stress of losing his companion or from the lesser amount of exercise he gets when he doesn’t have another cat to run around with. I’ve increased his playtime, re-vamped his diet to contain more fiber and fluid and started him on appropriate constipation meds as per vet’s orders and am hoping that’ll normalize the situation, but it has been immensely stressful especially since he hasn’t been that lucky in the health department otherwise either (he has a mild heart defect that luckily doesn’t seem to do much, asthma and epilepsy that are currently fully asymptomatic thanks to proper medication and as he’s grown older, his kidneys aren’t top notch either, although so far they don’t require medication or a kidney diet, he just drinks more). And for me, it obviously raises a lot of self doubt and blame that my babies don’t stay healthy (or even alive, in younger cat’s case), although rationally I know it’s not my fault since I really do take extremely good care of my cats. It’s just poor luck I guess, but I can’t help but feel like someone is fucking with me even though I don’t even believe in a god or karma or anything supernatural like that.

So anyway, this situation has made my anxiety disorder spiral a bit out of control, especially since health concerns and fear of death is the way my particular disorder generally manifests itself. These fears have now become increasingly prevalent and obsessive and keep me in a state of anxiety for a good part of my waking hours, and I don’t sleep very well either. It’s still not technically hypochondria, since I’m not actually convinced that I’m ill and if a doctor rules a particular symptom harmless I believe them, the problem is that every tiny thing that’s a little “off” about my body immediately awakens a crippling fear of illness and death that usually I typically can’t resolve on my own. It’s exhausting and embarrassing and I’m trying my best to find a qualified therapist for it, since the doctor already upped my antidepressants and ordered me a week of sick leave and I really don’t feel good about that, since I really like my job and I want to work, life just keeps ruining it for me. I also need the money, younger cat’s care cost a fortune even though she didn’t make it and older cat’s care has been rather expensive too. Also, you know, rent and shit, but honestly vets bills are way more.

Then of course comes the same problem I ran into last time I lost a cat: older cat is lonely and bored. I do what I can, but a cat needs another cat, especially when he’s used to not being the only cat in the household. And I’m also used to having multiple cats, so there is sort of a “love void” here for both him and me, particularly since younger cat was an extremely friendly and loving cat toward both of us. She is of course irreplaceable and the hole she left will have to heal in time on its own, but the love void, the lack of cat companionship in the home, that is technically fillable. I say technically, because to me, getting new cats is not an uncomplicated spur of the moment thing in practice. It could be if I wanted to, you can get a cat for basically nothing just by asking around a little, but that’s not what I want. My criteria for myself are rather strict, which I think they should be when you’re adopting another life. So even though I feel kind of shit for older cat because he clearly needs companionship, I have set some rules:

Firstly, I need to find a therapist and get started on that. Even though I am very loving and have cared for multiple cats before, right now I’m grieving and my mind is in turmoil, and I need to make sure that is being treated before taking on new babies.

Secondly, I need to see to it that the vet bills I have now are paid off and set aside a chunk of my salary for unexpected vet expenses. You never know when new cats arrive in a household, the new environment can trigger a dormant flu virus or cause stomach upset. Older cat’s stomach should also be in working order first. And I need to visit the insurance company to make sure I get the newbies insured, I’ve learned my lesson there.

And newbies indeed, as I’ve settled on two rather than one, for which there are multiple reasons. Firstly, older cat will be turning 10 this year. A cat can, of course, live for double that, but he is a senior and it’s impossible to know for how long he will lighten up my life with his presence. And when it’s his time, I would very much like for the remaining cat not to be alone like he is now. Secondly, I would like for the cat I adopt to be quite young so that I can hopefully offer it a long and happy life and avoid the heartbreak of multiple cats leaving this world in the coming years, and partially also because older cat has an easier time accepting youngsters into the family than older ones. But since older cat is elderly, he can’t quite keep up with a young kitty, so in order to avoid stressing him out and the younger one getting bored, I feel like it would be better to have two little ones who can play with each other if older cat is feeling tired or grumpy. This of course requires more money and more dedication, so that is another reason to follow rules one and two first.

My last rule is that I’ve decided to adopt from a shelter this time. I never have before because I felt a bit intimidated by the screening and contracts, but I’ve looked into it and the requirements really are quite reasonable. Besides, shelter cats are spayed, chipped and vaccinated and often even checked for FeLV and FIV, which you just don’t get elsewhere unless you’re going for a purebred cat, and that’s just not my thing as I’m not a huge fan of breeding. I just want to do something good this time, so shelter it is. Shelter cats are well within my price range as well, honestly I even think they sell them a bit cheap, but I guess people don’t buy them otherwise when some people just give kittens away for free. It’s quite sad really, cats are such underappreciated animals. Anyway, I’ll probably end up adopting two 6 months to a year old girls from the same litter, after I get myself sorted (girls because despite my rather fussy vigilance I fear urinary tract problems, as they are so common in cats and so potentially dangerous if the cats are boys). I don’t know how long sorting myself will take. Maybe I’ll bounce back in a month. Maybe it’ll take longer than that. It all depends on how my grief develops, how good a therapist I find, how much money I can put aside and of course older cat’s health. I think of him first and foremost. (Which my grandma says is the wrong way around, which okay, she could be right about, but he’s my baby and I love him unconditionally, while loving myself is a ton harder because I sort of suck. But I should probably work on that.)

So, that’s me at the moment. This year has really not started well for me. Maybe I’ll make sense of it eventually.

[missrosienorris]

Grief Blog

It’s been two days and some hours since younger cat died, and I am beside myself. All my memories hurt, food is disgusting and everything around me just reminds me of how much I miss her.

I miss her tiny little face with the unproportionately large eyes of which the right one had a little white anomaly that had always been there.

I miss how she would sid beside a bed, a chair or a sofa for up to fifteen minutes deciding whether she wanted to jump up or not.

I miss how she would sit on my lap, or anyone’s lap, for hours on end just enjoying being stroked and loved.

I miss how she just loved everyone without ever asking for anything, just that you were there.

I miss how she used to toss the pellets from the litterbox around, it used to drive me crazy but now I wish I could still hear the sound of them rolling around the floor and her running after them.

I miss how she would sharpen her claws on the scratching post in small bursts in the midst of playing.

I miss how she would chew her food into little pieces in the bowl so you always knew she was the one who had been there eating.

I miss her little noisy nose that always told you where she was.

I miss her stripey fur and the black and pink splotches on the skin underneath.

I miss her tiny little paws and her short little tail.

I miss how she would lie in a position that made her resemble a giant egg.

I miss her loud purrs and the little purry noises she made instead of meowing.

I miss how every time I lay on my back, she would pop down on my chest, blocking my view.

I miss how when I bent over her, she would try to grab my fringe with her teeth.

I miss how she would poke me with her head and rub her cheeks against my hands.

I miss how she scurried after her toys while playing, never slowing down.

I miss how she would randomly jump at something invisible on the wall.

I miss how she would push her nose against the window leaving marks on the glass.

I miss how all you needed to make her happy was to give her some cheese, cream, eggs or sausage for her to munch on.

I miss how she and older cat would occasionally huggle.

I miss her tiny weight on top of the blanket on my legs where she used to lie.

I miss a million other things. I miss not feeling like i may have killed her with my negligence (although it’s still not clear what was killing her, hopefully the autopsy that the vet recommended will bring some clarity. It’s not likely to have been the sock, there was no bowel obstruction, but I still feel like it may have been my fault, goin over scenarios like “what if there were deadly bacteria in the eggs i fed her” and suchlike). I miss not fearing that whatever killed her will kill older cat too, although he has no such symptoms. Overall, I just miss her and all the joy and comfort she brought me. It feels as though a part of my soul has been ripped away. I can’t remember if it was this painful last time I lost a cat, but hopefully time will fuzzy the memory of this pain too. I hope it doesn’t fuzzy my memories of her though. She was the most precious thing in my life, and I don’t want to ever forget that. Older cat seems sad too, and I worry about him. Don’t know what I’ll do when he goes. The world is wrong and awful.

[missrosienorris]

My princess is dead. Again.

Younger cat died today. She had been eating a little wonkily for a while, but I thought it was because she had tasted a sock again and all test results at the vet were fine until today. I woke up at half past four AM and noticed she was shaking a bit and seemed a little disoriented and warm, so I took her temperature and saw that she had a fever. Took her to the vet immediately, but the fever soared and she developed neurological symptoms (pain and wobblyness), possible pneumonia and vasculitis so bad that her veins kept falling apart when they tried to put the cannula in. We tried I.V. antibiotics, but in the afternoon she couldn’t breathe properly anymore and was panicking and clearly suffering, so I decided it was kinder to let her go. The hospital had sent me home and it would’ve taken at least half an hour to get back, and that was too long for someone I loved so much to spend suffering, so I let them help her without me there. Didn’t even get to tell or kiss her goodbye. Now there’s just a big gaping hole where she used to be, and I feel like absolute garbage. I feel like I failed her even worse than I failed the last one, since that one at least lived to five, which is not much for a cat but younger cat was three. Three years old. Of course I've done everything I could for her, I have spent more on her than I’ve spent on myself the last three years, but it wasn’t enough, and I feel like that reflects on me as a person. I feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m unworthy, incapable of caring for another life. I feel like I’m toxic, like every time I allow myself to love someone, they perish. I feel like no matter how hard I try, it doesn’t matter, I still end up a sniveling failure. But above all I feel like she was robbed. She was the most good-natured, lovely little cat you could ever imagine, she deserved better than this. Better than me, and better than her fragile body that ultimately gave up on her. She would have deserved a long and amazing cat life, and the fact that she didn’t get to have that is what yet again makes me sure there is no god and if there is, it’s a maniac. If a god wanted to punish me there wouldn’t have been any reason to hurt her. She was innocent. She loved everyone she met. She could sit on your lap for hours just enjoying your company, she was simply wonderful. She became a vital part of my soul, and without that part it’s like my lifeforce has been snuffed out and everything is just cold and dark and miserable and unfair. And even though I’ve always carried around a feeling that she would only be mine to borrow since she’s always been so sickly, it’s still the worst shock ever and feels like a dark pit that is going to be terrible to climb out of because I don’t want to leave her there alone (I know she’s not literally there, but it feels as such), and even if I do get out of it it’s going to leave a massive scar shaped like her. And I know this is grief talking (I tend to skip past denial and bargaining and plunge straight into the depression stage), but it truly feels like my world has ended and everything is hopeless. I’m not suicidal of course, I don’t have anywhere near the guts needed to hurt oneself, but it feels like I’m in a nightmare I can’t wake up from. And it’s awful, and I blame and hate myself for what happened to her. I have scheduled an appointment with a psychologist in the morning to possibly get my thoughts sorted out a bit. And perhaps some drugs, I could really do with drugs right now although I don’t normally fancy them much. I don’t know whether they might impede my grieving process, but right now I just want some relief from the darkness that’s just sucking me into itself. The world just sucks.

[missrosienorris]

Abusive people suck

Disclaimer: Taking what may be considered a slight dump on my own side here, but I find my criticism valid and I’m not one to be quiet about things that piss me off. But as always, feel free to prove me wrong if you're up to it, although in this case I doubt that’ll happen because I’m pretty well versed on the subject due to personal experience and a surprising amount of actual reading.

Disclaimer 2: Taking this dump on my own side of the fence does not mean that I consider this problem to be particularly significant compared to all the awful shit on te other side of the fence, so fuck off, alt-right edgelords. I’m still very much a feminist and an SJW and I don’t cry when people punch Nazis (although on principle, I don’t condone it either, but I realize that my pacifism in the face of fascism comes from a position of privilege so I’m not sure my opinion carries much weight).

Disclaimer 3: God my anxiety disorder suuuuucks at the moment, so I’m sorry if I’m even ramblier and more incoherent than usual.

SO. I say awful shit when I’m angry, I oftentimes find my anger difficult to control, and I believe anger is a pretty normal response to oppressive behaviour. But I am so fucking fed up with how people use tone policing bans as a shield for their own abusive behaviour. I know that’s an opinion that might not be considered very highly in SJW circles, but I care fuck all, because the tone policing bans in the feminist groups I’m in are misused to the point where they’re a pest and make the groups unsafe for me and countless others who cannot handle the constant threat of abuse over minor mistakes.

Now, I agree with the general gist of a tone policing ban, in the sense that if someone comes into your forum to troll and be a prick, I won’t cry over someone telling them that they suck and to piss off, sort of the same way I won’t cry over the Nazi punching. I also support tone policing bans in the sense that when someone is expressing an opinion in an outraged fashion, I don’t think it’s cool to counter their arguments with “calm down” and “why are you so angry”, because that’s just derailing the conversation. This is how I interpret tone policing, and I think banning these types of behaviour is fine.

HOWEVER, what I can and will not abide by is when some poor schmuck who is on your side makes an incredulous mistake or just expresses themselves in a way you don’t like and you start hurling insults at them while hiding behind your oppressed status and the tone policing ban. I just do not think that being oppressed entitles you to be a complete asshole towards people who are obviously not trying to hurt you but are just a bit aloof or just frankly disagree with you (and I’m talking disagreements on debatable things here, not disagreements on, say, if Nazis are bad or there are more than two genders, answering “no” to those questions falls under being a prick and you can see the previous paragraph for that). And I KNOW intent is not magic, and I agree with that, but I don’t think that means that intent is MEANINGLESS and I will fight for the principle that a well-intentioned person deserves more respect than a trollish dickwad who pisses in everyone’s cheerios on purpose. I also know that it can sometimes be a bit difficult to distinguish when someone is incredulous and when they’re just gaslighting you, and okay, we all misinterpret each other on occasion, I’m talking people who habitually attack others in this fashion.

I find that using your oppressedness to exploit a tone policing ban like this is in itself oppressive, because it makes the forum very unsafe for people who can’t handle being abused like that when they’ve barely done anything wrong. Sure, if you’re oppressed, your power to oppress others on a societal level is rather insignificant, but in these groups it’s not, because the admins always have the abuser’s back in these situations. I’ve heard it explained with the rule that the groups are supposed to be safe spaces for those that are oppressed in society at large, but I don’t buy that, because these people are allowed to hurl insults at group members who are just as oppressed as they are but just happen to use a word the abuser doesn’t like or tell their experience in a way that’s not agreeable to the abuser. The insult free-for-all in these groups constantly have anxious-minded people like me walking on eggshells, which I think is fucking awful and I cannot fit that within my definition of feminism. I know that when discussing a topic it is very important that the experiences of those who are oppressed in that area carry more weight than the experiences of those who are not, and I am not against telling people to step aside or calling them out – in fact I think that’s healthy and I do it often myself – but that and being abusive are not the fucking same.

Not only does this behaviour piss me off, I also think it’s counterproductive. I cannot count how many people have left the groups, or pondered whether they want to associate with the movement at all because the view they get of it is so toxic. I know, I know, those people shouldn’t base their opinion on a Facebook group and they should use the Google and whatever, but people aren’t smart like that and we need allies. I really don’t think that not abusing people over minor mistakes is giving in to the oppressor’s terms or not being activist enough, you can be angry and loud and troublesome without constantly being a fuckface. If you can’t call someone out for a hickup without telling them to go die, just let someone else call them out that day. And again, note that when I say hickup, I don’t mean obviously awful behaviour. For example, if someone were to tell me that mentally ill people should all be locked up in asylums, I as a mentally ill person would tell said person to go fuck themselves with a pineapple. However, if they hyperbolically said that something made them want to kill themselves when in reality they were just embarrassed or annoyed by something, I might definitely call them out on that and tell them to not trivialize a terrible feeling that I myself have suffered from, but I would not instantly insult them because they probably didn’t mean to hurt me. And I know the line isn’t always that clear, but many times it is. And when it is, I really wish people wouldn’t be asshats just for the hell of it.

[missrosienorris]

A completely real ad

Disclaimer: I’m so fucking tired.

Are you a masochist? Do you enjoy being miserable, poor as dirt and worried sick all the damn time and failing even while trying your hardest? Do you find textiles and all other soft materials including the clothes on your back unnecessary and would like a convenient excuse to rid yourself of them, or alternatively, do you really hate your pet?

If your answer is yes, I have just the thing for you: pica for pets! The lovely disorder that will make your furry friend actively try to murder itself by eating all your shit! Stray sock? Gone! Dish rag? Gone! Tissue paper, string, band-aid, cardboard and half you shirt? All vanished into to bottomless hole that is your pet’s mouth! Except that it’s not bottomless, nor do the things vanish; instead, they travel down to your animal companion’s digestive system and you will have to spend the foreseeable future armed with paraffin oil and on red alert, unable to sleep or do much anything in case you have to rush your cat/dog/other domesticated lifeform to the vet, possibly footing a completely reasonable +1000 € bill for surgery!

But is it effective enough at causing you the misery you desire, you may ask. Cannot this exquisite torture form be remedied simply by hiding all potential murder stuff from you pet? Not to worry, you just enjoy the lovely disappointment when that fails because you looked away for two seconds or the furball came up with a new murder weapon you didn’t consider or just because it’s fucking impossible to not have a single soft-textured thing within reach of your pet. Save from you moving into a cave and sleeping on a rock bed there will always be potential death in you home!

Pica for pets! What an adventure! Couple with your own anxiety disorder for extra flavour! Fun fun fun, if you’re completely fucked up that is! Otherwise you’ll just be miserable, poor as dirt and worried sick all the damn time. Like your narrator. Fuck. I need sleep, and a miracle change in younger cat’s brain/stomach/whichever is making her do this shit, since it’s real fucking dangerous for her and a complete misery for me as well. Sleep tight world.

[missrosienorris]

Underwhelming Online Therapy

Note 1: Mentions of mental illness straight ahead. Nothing super cereal, but if that’s not your cup of tea, consider this your content warning.

Note 2: This is just my personal experience. If you’ve been helped by online therapies or think you could benefit from them, fabulous. People are different. You do you. 

So as I have mentioned in several other posts, I have some shade of generalized anxiety disorder. It was originally diagnosed as panic disorder, and that’s probably still what my medical records say, but over the years it has mellowed out from legit panic attacks to more of a diffuse anxiety about most things in life. In laymans terms, I worry about everything and am scared of most things, and it lessens my quality of life (as some simple examples, my concentration is terrible as my worried thoughts are constantly chasing each other, and I can’t sleep without having some video on the computer playing in the background since otherwise my thoughts will start creating horror scenarios on their own, ruining any chance of sleep).

Anyway, since I had already done psychodynamic therapy for seven years without it helping with this issue, last winter I thought I’d try CBT instead (the psychodynamic therapy was great for depression, so I’m not knocking it at all, it just wasn’t helpful for this particular issue). So I went to the Finnish Student Health Service (FSHS), which is generally pretty good, but this time, not so much. It took me months to get an appointment, and when I did, it wasn’t with a psychiatrist or psychologist but a general practiotioner. And while I have great respect for those, they should not, in my opinion, be assessing mental health issues, as that is not their field. I went anyway, and she remitted me to an online therapy program outside the FSHS, even though I did try to express that I would much prefer face to face, but apparently that wasn’t an option since I had already been in therapy and was apparently “so verbal and analytical” that she believed I would benefit from the online version. Now, having tried it out for a few months, I find that being verbal and analytical has been more of an issue than a benefit in this therapy format, and there has also been a bunch of other problems that I will now lengthily complain about.

1. Online therapy is super unpersonal. It’s not you talking to a therapist, it’s you writing stuff into boxes and grading things on a scale, only very occasionally getting some half-assed message from a therapist who is supposedly following your progress. In other words, it lacks feedback, which in my opinion is really important for a therapy to be effective. It also lacks the personal touch, as the questions and assignments are not tailored to you by another human, but are instead broad generalizations that don’t take your background or your personality into account. So no matter how verbal I am, I end up answering several questions that don’t relate to me at all, and no conversation ever takes place.

2. Because of this lack of human contact, online therapy also requires you to be very independent and have quite an amount of discipline. You don’t have a schedule, you just have to decide to log on regularly and do the “homework” assignments that there can be several of at the same time. For me, this is disastrous, as I am disorganised and forgetful and handle pressure terribly, so all the work with trying to even remember to do all this stuff on my own just makes me more anxious and then angry with myself when I forget or end up paralyzed by all the requirements. Worst are the prompt messages the system sends you when you haven’t logged in for a while, telling you that it takes hard work to make a change and reminding you that there is a time limit within which you have to complete the therapy. I admittedly don’t know that much about CBT, but I’m pretty sure therapy isn’t supposed to feel like your own mental health is another societal requirement that you’re failing.

3. It’s very authoritarian and lacks references. The program will tell you that the way you’re thinking is wrong (example: “you may think that preparing for the worst makes it easier when tragedy strikes, but actually it doesn’t, humans are never really prepared when actual tragedy strikes”) but it will not tell you why you are wrong or cite any references, other than the occasional “research has concluded”. What research? Who conducted it? Was it peer reviewed? Is it current? Was it quantitative or qualitative? How big was it? Where can I find it? See, these are the type of questions you ask when you’re analytical (and, as in my case, have an ever so slight issue with authority). Same problem with the exercises, please explain to me which studies have concluded that a certain exercise will work to reduce anxiety and give me references to them, so that I can see that they’re sound and what it is that the execises work better than. No treatment? Medication? Placebo? Other forms of therapy? This is information that I need to know if I’m supposed to take you seriously. Often I find that the program raises more questions than it answers, and because it’s not face to face, no one will answer those questions either. I also once asked the therapist that supposedly following my progress why there is a blatant advertisment for a self help book on the login page of the therapy, to which she said nothing, which, yeah. Makes me presume that book may be their reference. Which is not good.

4. It’s on the internet. Sure, behind a pretty secure login, but still, your personal information goes on the internet. I am not comfortable with that, so some things that I would tell a therapist, I definitely will not say when it’s online, because that shit doesn’t go away. Most things, sure, but innermost thought, no. The internet’s not having those. So that’s a big problem.

So to sum up, I have found the therapy to be really underwhelming. But now that I’ve started it, I feel like I have to complete it, since otherwise it will probably show in my record that I’m uncooperative and that’ll bungle my chances of maybe getting actual therapy in the future. Thankfully I’m in alright shape at the moment, because otherwise the pressure it’s constantly putting on me might actually be pretty damaging to my mental health. Not saying all online therapies are like this, some might be a lot better, but man, this one is kinda garbage.

[missrosienorris]

The last few episodes of Game of Thrones made me irrationally angry

Courteous warning in case the title wasn’t enough: spoilers. Do not read unless you’ve either seen the last season or like spoiling things for yourself (I have a friend who likes to do that. She may be a monster.)

I like Game of Thrones. I know, it’s problematic in about a ton of ways and many feminists hate it, which is fine, but I myself am pretty lax when it comes to fiction and choose to fight my battles elsewhere (but I must stress again that if you are the type of person who chooses to fight for more inclusive, less sexist fiction, I have no problem with that, and I’ll defend your right to call out whichever one of my favourite series you want without receiving fucked up threats from creepy edgelords). So, I like the show and have followed it for a while, and I’ve never been super annoyed with anything the show has done. Not even the Dorne bit, because I’m a heathen and haven’t read the books that far, so I was just slightly bored rather than offended by that.

However, this last season kinda pissed me off. Not the first few episodes, they were acceptable if not that riveting, but particularly the last two were just sort of... trash. They had some saving graces, like finally getting rid of that little bitch Baelish whom I’ve loathed since the beginning and who was number one on my needs-to-die-next-list (and don’t pretend you don’t have one of those, we all do), but otherwise I really disliked what they did with them.

Firstly, I hated what they did to Daenerys. I was never a huge fan of her, but at least she had managed to become a somewhat independent female character with something of a personality (unlike Cersei, who is too unilaterally evil and also pretty high on my needs-to-die-next-list). But this season, she started out okay but then turned into an idiot who for some inexplicable reason cared more about Jon Snow than about her dragon children and ended up being completely overshadowed by him and sleeping with him like immediately, which is just garbage character development in my opinion. And then it turns out they’re related too, so now it’s basically a discount incest couple going for the throne to replace the current incest couple. That’s not a plot twist, that’s what you write when you really need a plot twist but can’t think of one. So thumbs down for that.

Also, let’s talk a bit more about Jon Snow, mainly the fact that he sucks. I was bored with his adventures on the wall as soon as he got there and never grew to like the character, because he is so much of a Mary Sue that you could replace the words “Mary Sue” in the dictionary with “Jon Snow”. And in this season he didn’t just escape death again and fight off like a million walkers on that very convenient cliff that just happened to be there in the middle of a lake, he also did that stupid “I can’t lie to Cersei because my dad who wasn’t my dad wouldn’t have done that” which was apparently supposed to be cool and heroic but bleh, and then he seduced Daenerys with his awesome woman skills that he’s not supposed to have but still does for some reason. And was anyone actually surprised by the fact that he wasn’t Ned’s bastard, because I think it was always pretty obvious. If you have a Mary Sue with an unknown parent, you can pretty much bet your ass that they will be revealed to be related to royalty at some point. So that whole character, no, he is the current number one on my needs-to-die-next-list.

Speaking of death, that brings me to my last grievance which is that awful zombie dragon thing. That was just crap. We’ve been told that the dragons are really fucking powerful, and then the night king just throws one spear and it kills one of them immediately? I get that the night king is supposed to be powerful too, but if he was powerful enough to murder a dragon in ten seconds he should have taken over that entire world by now instead of slugging behind the wall. I also admit that I may have been slightly offended by that scene because the dragons are vastly more likeable than any of the humans on the show, and I may have cried during it and it’s also possible that I covered my eyes because I couldn’t look at it. Whatever, it also sucks as a plot, and the fact that Cersei somehow guessed that one of the dragons was dead was really far fetched and dumb too so fuck that whole thing.

Anyway, that’s my rant. To sum up, watered down Daenerys, Jon Snow in general and zombie dragons suck. But Tyrion was excellent as usual. And that Baelish death. And that scene where Sam was emptying shitty bedpans and then eating food that looked no different from the shit may have been the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen, but it was pretty clever.