Can't even breathe at home that should've been the safest place. He's always coming. Not the least bit ashamed.

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@missskeeter
Can't even breathe at home that should've been the safest place. He's always coming. Not the least bit ashamed.
So far, I've been..
Yelled at (cause I couldn't forgive or forget fast enough)
Cursed, called with nasty words (that I am somewhat a knocked up girl out of wedlock)
And the latest,
Threatened to be murdered (I chose to throw my respect out of the window)
By this wicked creature who proudly refer himself as "Father".
23 has never felt so good
Random thought
Ada saat-saat saya rasanya ingin mengutarakan opini saya tentang suatu hal random secara bebas, tanpa banyak pertimbangan.
Ini salah satunya.
Beberapa kali dalam pergaulan, saya dipertemukan dengan lelaki yang bersifat kewanita-wanitaan atau kemayu. Takbir saat SD, Fadhil di SMP, Syahrir di bangku SMA, dan pertemuan saya yang paling baru, dengan pelayan di cafe dekat rumah.
Ada rasa familiar di benak saat berinteraksi dengan mereka. Sejauh hemat saya, publik sejak dulu memberikan stereotipe negatif kepada mereka. Perkataan-perkataan seperti 'tidak sesuai kodrat', 'kasihan orang tuanya', 'bagaimana masa depannya nanti?' sering bersirkulasi di udara. Tentu saja mereka merasakan beban berat dari momok kehadiran mereka, tapi sudah terlatih pula mereka menyimpannya dengan rapi.
Rasa familiar yang saya utarakan tadi justru bernilai sangat positif. Mereka semua terasa familiar, karena aura keceriaan yang mereka tularkan. Bahkan nada suara mereka menjanjikan persahabatan. Teman laki-laki saya yang bersifat kewanita-wanitaan adalah teman yang paling perhatian, sabar, dan selalu membawa kebahagiaan. Seperti pelayan di cafe tadi yang bersenandung mengikuti alunan lagu yang sedang diputarkan. Angin baru terasa mengisi ruangan, menjadikan pekerjaan yang rumit menjadi menyenangkan.
And I think that's a really good quality of a person, no matter what most people claim.
For that specific people who feel ashamed of themselves for being who they are, don't be, cause you are so invaluable.
Much love.
Complexion
How did you get your complexion?
Was it fated to you when you were born,
Was it naturally nurtured by your mother,
Or was it from the contemplations you've gathered along the way?
It sure is captivating..
Just another day of YOU judging me,
triggering my recurring self-insufficiency,
which is already in the corner,
ready to inhale me.
You know how I detest the cigarettes smoke the most,
yet you sit so close and blow it out on my face,
as to emphasize "my liking never matters".
I always rely on my level of determination,
in anything I do,
that I also pour into my work,
and here goes you,
watching over my shoulder,
belittling my job,
how insignificant my role.
I have no portrait of ideal life-long companion.
You ruin other men for me,
your male persona traumatizes me for life.
If it's the perks of being a favourite,
I want to be undone.
Thanks for introducing me to my biggest hatred,
Later I'll know how to make it under control.
Thanks, DAD.
Under Control
We're never in control of what people doing
Their conduct may be overwhelming,
Annoy you to the brink of the sanity,
It feels so wrong that all you taste is fury and shaky
It's okay
Give it a rest..
Give it a rest..
Like a rainbow, people come with multiple colors
Your favorite color today may be stored in another person
Come tomorrow and they change their clothes
Then your mood may match the color you despised just yesterday
So when you don't find it right away
You can always look around
Day by day passed
Give it a go..
Give it a go..
May it lead you to embrace the whole spectra
And realize that how you react will always be in your control
Bear with me
I am trying to make some good here
Any mistakes may come your way
Pinch you a little, annoy you to the brink ...
But it'll be purely unintentional on my part
Let's just tolerate things
I will laugh at clumsy you
Cherishing the long way learning
Knowing me, knowing you
Sebuah Refleksi
Ceritakan kepadaku sebuah kisah
Tentang simpati
Kelembutan hati
Dan indahnya pikiran
Bersua di sudut jalan
Terangkan hingga semakin larut
Tentang pertemuan
kesan pertama
Kecamuk tanya
Dan percikan api itu
Agar dapat kuusut benang putih
Tentang sosok hangat
Hadir menyertai
Tulusnya niat
Lurusnya perjuangan
Mekaran ilmu
Berselimut rendah hati
Bandung, 18 September 2017
"Sebenarnya, aku ingin kembali, Ayah Pulang ke teduh matamu Berenang di kolam yang kau beri nama rindu Aku, ingin kembali Pulang menghitung buah mangga yang ranum di halaman Memetik tomat di belakang rumah nenek. Tapi jalanan yang jauh, cita-cita yang panjang tak mengizinkanku, Mereka selalu mengetuk daun pintu saat aku tertidur Menggaruk-garuk bantal saat aku bermimpi Aku ingin kembali ke rumah, Ayah Tapi nasib memanggilku." Penggalan puisi yang dapat mencurahkan kerinduan di malam ini. Terkadang saya gundah menyaksikan pergiliran waktu. Semakin matanglah saya akan tetapi bapak bertambah tua, beruban, dan tak setangguh dahulu. Semoga tiap detik kehidupan membawa keberkahan dalam perjalanan bapak menuju derajat paling mulia. Selamat berulang umur yang ke-50 kali.
MENGEJAR CAHAYA
Bandung, 23 Agustus 2017
Buat : mama
Satu hal yang selalu membuncah di hati
Ku menerka dan meraba ke sekelilingmu yang nyata
Denting jam itu merubah musim
Namun..
Setitik cahaya tak kunjung mendekat
Terkurung aku dalam sangkar ketidakpahamanku
Rasionalku menyerah, berhenti berlogika
Barangkali jawaban itu di luar nalar manusia
Atau kata penyusunnya belum pun tercipta
Akan kasih sayang berlimpah ruah, tak terbendung
Selalu ada, dalam diam dan nasihat
Tak terhitung goresan luka kutorehkan di hatimu yang mulia
Engkau tetap mendekat dan menawarkan cinta
Bagaimana bisa demikian?
Saat diri merasa hina dan tak berdaya
Tatapanmu selalu mencerminkan harapan
Syukur selalu kupanjatkan
Atas kasihmu di sepanjang masa
Selamat ulang tahun perak, mama!
Barakallah fii umrik
Segala kebaikan dunia dan akhirat kumohonkan untukmu
Dari : anak tengah yang tak tau diri