S ♡

Mistress of the Mystery 34 🌕 She/They

[mistressofthemystery]

I am the universe performing a miracle.

- S

[mistressofthemystery]

Jk, the pain is back.

I don't wanna be here anymore.

[base-and-superstructure]

You might not dream of labour, but I do

I dream of meals prepared with love, of gardens tended to produce fruits and flowers, of clothes sewn for comfort and endurance, of paintings and repairs and harvests and buildings and all the things our bodies and minds can achieve -

This is to say, "I do not dream of labour" is a catchy but questionable slogan. Labour isn't the enemy. Labour is part of being human. It's the alienation you experience under capitalism - being coerced into selling your labour to survive, until the hours you spend at your job feel like a separate thing to your real life and real self - that is the enemy.

[furiousgoldfish]

Does anyone else feel like the society is structured in a way that has people forced to obediently and submissively endure harassment and abuse from their bosses and people in authority, but they're allowed to take out their frustration on anyone who is powerless to inflict consequences on them? Like their own employees, service workers, their spouse, family, children. There's no consequences for hurting the powerless and loads of consequences for standing up to authority, even if you're standing up to them for a good reason. It's almost like things were designed to be this way.

Shouldn't it be the opposite though? We should focus on standing up to people in authority, because they're likely to abuse authority they have, so there should be no consequences for challenging this authority, it needs to be challenged. We should have severe consequences for hurting those who can't fight back, because they need that protection the most.

[mistressofthemystery]

So I just wrote the most depressing shit ever. Debilitating migraine. Sobbing. Crying. Grieving. Dragging my feet because I agreed to help out with a catering event, I stopped catering and serving because my EDS got so bad that I couldn't do it anymore. I thought one shift would be okay. It was last minute notice, I wanted to do it for my friend even though my body was sending warning signs, and I felt I needed to turn it down. I said yes anyways. I didn't have the clothes and I tried to cancel because of that, but then they came up with a solution so it was back to the gig... or so I thought.

My body was screaming NOOOOOOO! I don't want to hurt myself for low pay to serve wealthy people horderves under the blazing September sun. I want to lay in my bed and rest.

I could use the money, for sure, but at what cost? I just had treatment yesterday and was up all night in pain cause my body is adjusting and recovering.

So while I was crying my eyes out in the shower, with thoughts of throwing myself over my balcony cause its all too much, migraine in tow, I said fuck it. I'm not going. I'm going to let these people down, the money isnt worth it, and it would negate doing treatment yesterday. I must choose me. I cannot show up like this, in this much pain. I cannot. I must say no for myself, nurse my migraine, and be inconvenient.

"I'm not coming, I have a terrible migraine that won't let up. I apologize for the inconvenience."

And just like that, my cloudy stormy sky parted ways, the sun came back out, and I stopped crying.

Migraine? Instant relief.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

Maybe my body is screaming all sorts of strange ways to keep me on my path. Overwhelming myself with work that's not for me anymore isn't worth the small paycheque.

It's about creating a life, day by day, that doesn't cause damage to my body. My body has been through a lot.

I will not work myself to the point of my body screaming no in all types of ways anymore. I will not wipe my tears and force myself to show up masking my pain.

It's safe to rest.

It's safe to let people down.

It's safe to be inconvenient.

All my needs will be taken care of.

It's okay to slow down.

[mistressofthemystery]

Pain's been bad lately. It's hard to be creative or do anything aside from baseline existence. All I can dream of is this pain all through my body going away.

How am I supposed to be a poet? Who will care to listen to my sob stories and checkered past? I didn't ask for the life I was given. I've just dealt with it one day at a time.

I'm tired. If it weren't for my pets, I'd throw myself over my balcony. I love my pets. I hate this world. I wish I was in less pain. I wish doctors actually practiced medicine. I just wanna rot in bed, I don't have the energy to keep trying.

[mistressofthemystery]

Think you're doing alright, have a few good low pain days, then BAM like a drunk guy on an electric scooter you're back on the shower floor with the lights off, its 3am and you're shaking, writhing, aching, and cursing the doctors who should have done something to help you by now, and death feels like a welcome blessing.

If I meet my fate and leave this world earlier than my beloved pets, I pray that they find homes where they are loved and cared for just as deeply. My precious angels keep me going. Here's a picture of my baby girl Ahri.

[mistressofthemystery]

I visited Dr. GASLIGHT today - certified in trauma induction "therapy"

[mistressofthemystery]

As a highly sensitive autistic woman living with EDS and CPTSD, the public healthcare in Canada is an absolute fkin joke.

Gynecological and hormonal issues?

*Wait 1 yr on a waiting list to see gynecologist*

Gynocologist: take birth control, also are you thinking of having a baby?

Me: wtf? I waited for a year for you to tell me birthcontrol is the only solution you can offer me? And wtf are you asking me wither or not I want a baby? I'm over here trying desperately to get my health in a better place, the last thing on my mind is wither or not I plan on having a family. I'm not sure if I'm gonna live or die at this point! Or to which degree of physical misery awaits me in the future if ya'll can't help me figure this shit out! Do I want a baby?! I want to be alive and well enough to even consider dating first!!! 😠

Ffwd to the EDS doctor two yrs later:

EDS doctor: they're not testing your hormones properly, you need to have tests at more specific times of your cycle to get an accurate enough portrait of what's going on. Don't take those random tests too seriously, it's not comprehensive enough.

Ffwd 2 months to endocrinologist:

Endocrinologist: take birth control. Normally I see issues like this relating to obesity but you're not obese, your test results are OK.

Me: my EDS doctor said they're not comprehensive and you need to do better testing.

Endocrinologist: no, it's fine I just calculate averages 🤔 all I can offer you is birth control or to meet with our dietician who offers a paid program.

Ffwd my family doc:

Doc: So have you considered getting a hysterectomy?

Me: why is the most invasive and brutal option even being brought up when we don't even know what's going on?! This is insane. Birthcontrol or rip out my uterus, but God forbid we figure out what's actually causing the issues.

This is just ONE of the chronic health problems I've been managing. I also have EDS related crippling nerve related chronic pain causing severe and scary full body pain episodes.

Wtf Canada? Wtf Alberta?

Make alternative medicine accessible! Prescription drugs are not the answer. Birth control is not the answer. Stop slapping bandaids on bullet holes. No wonder why they introduced MAID.

[tranzangledlozengeggbutt]

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Charles Bukowski, Screams from the balcony

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Fyodor Dostoevsky; Letter to his brother 9th August 1838

[aliyaah95-deactivated20250410]

Madness is intelligence in a sane world.

[mistressofthemystery]

Rate your level of sadness today:

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I'm feeling the biggest sad.

😔

[aequrion-deactivated20250618]

There is a price to empathy. A suffocating despair consumes you, and in most cases it’s not even yours.

[alchemistmelody]

[mistressofthemystery]

A perfect day: eat good food, experience inspiring art, drink clean water, breath fresh air, and spend time with loved ones.

[its-where-the-wild-things-are]