Last month, around the same time, I was wondering if I could survive for longer, if things were going to get worse. I was in an abusive relationship, I was running away from my groomer older sibling, things were falling apart, quickly. I was in suffering and all I wanted was to end it all. I thought there was no end to it, when was it going to get better?
One month later, and I would soon find the answer. I’m okay. I got to a new school, where I finally don’t feel as outcasted as before. People love me, I’ve found friends who sings words of praise to me everyday, who look up to me and want to see me well everyday. There’s many, many of them. More than I can count. They’re different, all of them. But they all want me well. I am wanted, seen, waited for. I want to be in a place full of people, I do not feel uneasy or unsafe.
He is gone. I’m okay about what happened, it wasn’t my fault. I did the best I could do, and it was used against me. I felt heavy, helpless, and they thrived off of that fear. I’m free to start over, to recover what was lost, to slowly unwind my nervous syatem from the constant fear of harm coming upon my way by the hands of the person I loved the most. It isn’t supposed to hurt, love, is it? Solitude has been more of a loving embrace than 8 months have ever been.
I’ve been gaining weight. November 2025, I was 45kg. I could barely get out of bed. I felt weak, dizzy, I didn’t have a reason to take care of myself. I was scared to, actually, that I would survive everything that was upon me and more would come. I’ve been eating more, noticing my body change for the better. I like cooking again, not for others, but for myself as well. Food has tasted better
I’m surrounded by wonderful people. I’ve never took time to realize that. Ivan, my beautiful friend, is still the treasure I hold closest to my heart, and this hasn’t changed one bit. Xy, the angel that helped me realize and slowly fight back against it, I have no words for my gratitude. People that have sat by my side as I withered and now stand with me as I slowly come back to life.
To finally be able to realize that it does get better. Damn, it really does get better. I am thrilled to wake up everyday, free to smile, free to build all that was broken down anew. I feel free, like there’s a place for me somewhere. A lot of exciting things have been happening, and I’m proud of myself. I barely made out of it alive, my life was risked more than once. But I did, and may respite find me, and this time, I will be kinder to myself.
Maybe for the girl that weeped as everything around her burned. Maybe for the woman that fell in love with a war, maybe for the child who stood clotheless in a white room. I have to smile as much as I’ve cried, and I’ll do that. Everyday, I promise this much. This happiness, I will cherish it and share it with the world.
i am so grateful to be alive for long enough to be happy. For this blessing, I will live on. And I hope that this year, I will live on with glee.
