So when you misidentified as a het asexual (and that’s not a bad thing, I’m legitimately glad you figured out your orientation, that’s hard to do), you made a lot of false assumptions that you’ve now decided are truth based on, presumably, your own experiences. I’m very, very glad that you were never harmed in any way for identifying as asexual, but it’s a mistake to assume that just because it didn’t happen to you means that it never happens.
See below for many examples. Maybe read through them and learn a thing or two, but please note they do include mentions of rape, sexual assault, and death threats.
Asexuals do face systematic oppression/discrimination, including access to healthcare.
Therapists who claim asexuality is just a symptom of depression and something that an 18 year old would “grow out of”.
“To me, to say that someone is ‘asexual’ is tantamount to saying that they’re not a human being,” says Barnaby Barratt, a sex therapist in Detroit and president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. “I would be profoundly critical of the idea that ‘asexuality’ is an ‘orientation’ or that it’s somehow the inevitable way that some people are born. The basic building blocks of sexual patterning are there in everyone. The real question about what you’re describing as ‘asexual’ is: What sort of history could make someone wind up being that closed down?”
Asexuals do face violence or harassment for being asexual on their own.
This discussion about asexuality in the DSM-V that ends with a person describing how their asexual friend was denied HRT.
And let’s not forget that the DSM-V only says that people who already self-identify as asexual shouldn’t receive a diagnosis, but that professionals are not required to teach people about and/or accept aseuxality, so if your therapist doesn’t think it’s real or you don’t know it exists already, you’re out of luck.
Some casual pathologization of asexuality.
“Most disturbingly, asexuals are viewed as less human, especially lacking in terms of human nature…This confirms that sexual desire is considered a key component of human nature and those lacking it are viewed as relatively deficient, less human and disliked.”
“One of my therapists told me to my face that she didn’t believe in asexuality - in every other sexuality, yes, but not mine - and that she could ‘give me something’ for it.”
A chapter in this book describes how “the absence of sexual desires, feelings, and activities is seen as abnormal and reflective of poor health” in Western contemporary culture “because of the explicit connection between sexual activeness and healthiness.” It also explains “medical explanations for asexuality as an abnormality that has to be corrected constitute a large part of the stigmatization and marginalization experienced by asexual people.”
Asexuals do face intimate partner violence/corrective rape/sexual harassment/sexual assault for being asexual.
“Partners took it personally, pushed me into having sex I didn’t want to have, threatened to break up with me if I didn’t change.”
The Australian Human Rights Commission’s National Report on Sexual Assault and Sexual Harassment at Australian Universities, conducted from 2015-2016 in 30,000 students in Australia, which found that:
- Students who identified as bisexual were most likely to be sexually harassed in a university setting, followed by students who identified as asexual.
- After excluding data from incidents that occurred while traveling to and from university, students who identified as asexual were most likely to be sexually harassed, followed by students who identified as bisexual or undecided/not sure/questioning.
- Students who identified as bisexual were most likely to be sexually assaulted in a university setting, followed by students who identified as asexual.
This article that discusses how an individual “was held down and forced to watch a pornographic scene while her eyes were pried open”
“I am a male and was raped by my marital partner…” (full story including details in the comments section)
“As she said goodbye to him that night, the man tried to kiss her. When she rejected his advance, he started to lick her face ‘like a dog,’ she said.
‘I just want to help you,’ he called out to me as I walked away from his car,’ she explained. ‘He was basically saying that I was somehow broken and that he could repair me with his tongue and, theoretically, with his penis.’“
“i can’t say that i was raped for being ace (and can’t even THINK the words “corrective rape”), even though my rapist literally told me that was the reason and that he could fix me, because i guess i’m just too fucking stupid to understand the circumstances around my own abuse and need random internet strangers to explain my own experiences to me and what the REAL reason was, because my rape is just a talking point in the tumblr”
“my ex-boyfriend who decided to trick me into drinking, manipulate me emotionally, and force me into sexual situations after I came out to him because he thought he could fix me and didn’t stop even after multiple failed attempts.”
“He blamed [my asexuality] on everything from my childhood to my self esteem. And then he decided it was because I’d never had sex. He raped me at least 6 times, I dissociated a lot of the relationship but I know there were 6 places where it happened, I don’t know how many times it happened in any given place though. He told me that I should be happy because it proved I was wanted, that eventually I’ll like it, and that he needed to make me “whole” He said that he knew that there was a straight girl underneath [at the time op considered herself cis and het] everything who just needed to know that it was “okay to be sexual” He would constantly guilt me for not satisfying him sexually and tell me that I needed to be attracted to someone to prove I was a grown up.”
Asexuals also face rape threats and death threats for being asexual.
“Asexuality is not a thing. You are just ugly and no one wanted to date you, so you made up a thing to cuddle your lonely self as you cry into your pillow. Also, I hope you get raped. It has a dual benefit, you’ll get laid finally AND put you into your place as well.”
Aces should be exterminated.
Aces should kill themselves.
Aces who are children should kill themselves.
Wishing rape and death on an ace.
Aces should kill themselves take 2.
“Kill all aces” in positivity tags.
“I would actually fucking slaughter aces if I could.”
And I mean, let’s be real. I could add dozens upon dozens of these examples. Either these few will suffice because you agree that death threats and rape threats are bad, or you’re the kind of person who thinks “But if the death threat/rape threat happens online then it doesn’t count” and in that case I can’t help you. Let’s move on.
Asexuals do face issues in their marriage, including annulment of their marriage if they refuse to have sex with their partner (consummate the marriage).
If you’re in a sexless marriage, schedule when to have sex, because having sex makes you want to have sex (point #4).
More advice including creating and using a sex schedule (recommended 1-3 times per week).
Woman wants to get marriage annulled because her husband is asexual.
Man wants annulment because wife won’t sleep with him two months after their marriage, which went through even though they hadn’t had sex for the two years prior to their wedding.
This message board includes a bunch of gems, but here’s a doozy that also ties into the next point bolded below:
“My idea of Christian marriage isn’t what reality turned out to be. We now sleep in separate rooms. We don’t touch each other at all. No hugs, no kisses, no holding hands, nothing. A cold bed and a unbearable hunger for being desired isn’t what Corinthians talked about. But my wife simply ignores that part of the Bible.
I don’t know what to do either. My wife told me that she doesn’t have any sexual desire. She seems repulsed by sex. This includes any intimate touching. In our wedding ceremony I didn’t promise her that I’ll be a celibate husband. She promised before God that she’ll be a Christian wife, which implies sex unless otherwise agreed. She lied.
I wish I could tell you what to do, or give you advice. There are only two clear things for me about my relationship: what my wife is doing is wrong and she’ll have to answer to God for this someday. Not because she’s asexual - but because she refuses to compromise, keeps blaming me for our lack of sex and completely ignores the pain that her lack of honesty is causing me. She never mentioned she didn’t like sex. I wouldn’t have married her otherwise. And she should never have made promises she wasn’t planning to keep.
The second thing clear to me is that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life as a monk - I know this doesn’t sound very Christian but I feel like I’m losing my mind lately.”
Asexuals do face religious discrimination for being asexual.
This Baptist message board that’s been running since 2012 and starts with a poll that shows 20,000+ people believe “Asexuality is a perversion akin to homosexuality and bestiality.” Careful scrolling through the messages, they don’t only hate asexuals and there’s plenty of misogyny and racism mixed in.
People with the good old fashioned opinion that asexuals should avoid being in relationships with non-asexuals and think that “promoting and trying to spread” asexuality, or “behaving in an asexual manner”, is sinful.
“By the way, there is one context in which asexuality is sinful - in marriage, when one chooses not to engage in intimacy with one’s spouse (this of course does not include various cases where someone is unable to do so). Paul only allows husbands and wives to abstain from intimacy by mutual consent, for a limited period of time, and then only for the purpose of prayer.”
“When your sexual orientation cuts you off from how your community or your society expects you to experience and express your sexuality, when you have to search for alternative interpretations and obscure texts to justify the existence of your sexual orientation and its validity within the religion…As an asexual Muslim, I’m queer. I’m still trying to figure out how to even have that conversation with anybody but LGBT Muslims, or if I ever will. In the meantime, my not being married and not seeking marriage isolates me.”
“When a preacher found out I was ace he recommended conversion therapy - even before I had come out as pan or trans.”
“In a patriarchal Islam, the reality is that because of my asexuality, aromanticism, non-libidoism, and sex-aversion, as a wife I would innately and always be in a state of recalcitrance (nushuz) unless I had made special arrangements in advance, and if those arrangements fell through, then I would revert to being in a state of recalcitrance. I am not able to be a “good Muslim wife” and there is no way for me to become one.”
“I grew up Mormon, and heard all my life that while sex outside of marriage is one of the Worst Sins Ever, sex within marriage - and marriage itself - is the most holy thing anyone could ever do. In fact, according to Mormon theology, if you do not get married and have children, it is literally impossible for you to reach the highest tier of heaven. Oh, you can go to heaven, sure, but you’ll never be as close to god as those people who fulfilled their life mission.”
“If you sit down with a Christian religious representative – whether a priest, pastor, reverend, monk, or nun (and I have conversed with many) – sexual attraction/desire will almost always be on this list of human attributes, even if a diversity of objects of that desire is recognized.Depending on the denomination, the responses I have often received upon broaching the topic of asexuality range from the old-school “it’s an unnatural defiance of God’s will” to the more psychologically-informed “it’s an unhealthy aversion.” Such responses rely heavily on the idea that God’s design in human creation includes experiencing sexual attraction/desire.”
“Wouldn’t you think that asexuals would be the perfect people to enter a celibate order? Well, actually, “a certain lack of restraint (asamvara) is required in order for there to be a basis for a vow of restraint. The idea seems to be that the pandaka [that is, the third sex] does not have enough sinful willfulness to have something to take a vow against”. Basically, monasteries didn’t want asexual folks because they wouldn’t have to struggle to maintain their vow of chastity.”
“The next time someone tries to tell you that “Buddhism” is “asexual-friendly” or is all about “transcending sexual desire and becoming asexual,” feel free to point them toward chapter 9 of Richard Jaffe’s Neither Monk Nor Layman. The book as a whole is about Buddhist clerical marriage in Japan, but chapter 9 has an extended section (202-206) on various pro-clerical marriage arguments that specifically drew on an idea of sexual desire as innate and immutable and argued that advocating clerical abstinence was an infringement of human rights.”
“Basically, my patron Goddess is a lover and a fighter; she is seen as the Goddess of love, sex, and warfare. So, I’m sure you can see why my rejection of sex puts me at spiritual odds with my faith. I went through some dark times when I literally questioned whether one can be both a pagan and hold feelings of asexuality at the same time, I wondered if those two things could live in the same house. […] I also felt very strongly that I could not discuss this situation with my Pagan family. I was ashamed and felt like I was a “bad Pagan”, I was afraid of the judgement I was convinced would come.”“Sometimes atheists have a negative reaction to asexuality because it’s assumed that religion and asexuals are pals. This assumption does not come from any real experiences, but from an oversimplified view of religion and asexuality. Religions don’t like sex, therefore they must like asexuals, who don’t have sex.”
And even if you don’t believe that someone’s religion telling them they’re broken or sinful is a bad thing, you have to acknowledge that other people get to use their opinions of asexuality as a way to include them in cases where “This person’s lifestyle/orientation goes against my religion”, such as with the adoption bill in Texas.
Also, asexuals do face higher rates of mood disorders, anxiety disorders, suicidal feelings, thoughts of death or dying.
And, in case all of those sources haven’t quite made it clear yet, there is no asexual privilege. No one has privilege for being asexual. Asexuality is a minority orientation. You can’t “cancel out” someone’s asexuality by saying “Oh but they’re also cis and het.” Privilege doesn’t work on a “cancel out” basis.
Finally, and most importantly to me certainly, what the heck do you mean that asexuals are “shouting over gay and trans people and claiming they’re more worthy of the community than we are“? There is no “more worthy”. The LGBT+ community is not a car that only seats 4 minority groups. You don’t have to kick someone out to fit another group in. Acknowledgement and acceptance in the community is not a limited resource that we have to ration. No one is fighting to shut you out. There is no hierarchy of who deserves acceptance most, then second most, then third most, et cetera. There is no “most oppressed” award that one group is fighting to receive (because intersectionality is important, and just because someone is unprivileged in one aspect doesn’t mean that they aren’t privileged in others). The LGBT+ community is not a competition that has winners and losers. Having an “us versus them” mentality among different minority groups doesn’t help any of us.