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namjoon ˖ᡣ𐭩་༘

i love you, i’m sorry

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i love you, i’m sorry

pairing namjoon x f!reader

synopsis : namjoon has loved her for their entire friendship, but she’s too blind to see

warnings : swearing, heavy makeout, angst, friends to lovers, reader is in a toxic relationship

word count: 2013

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you and joon have been best friends for years. ever since first grade, you’ve been inseparable. you told each other everything, and you had one rule: no secrets. none. whatsoever.

since being friends for so long, you guys basically know everything about each other. you know joon likes his steak medium rare with a dash of salt, you know he hates when people chew with their mouth open, and how his eyes light up when he talks about music, especially his favorite band, geese.

you on the other hand came from a background of horrible people and poverty. your dad cheated on your mom when she was pregnant with you, and left. during your moms labor, there were a lot of problems that ultimately gave her the worst deduction a mother could hear: saving the baby or herself. obviously she chose you, and she died during her emergency C-section, leaving you without a father and a mother.

growing up, you were tossed around in foster homes back to back and never really experienced a true home. that is until you moved in with your toxic grandma back in first grade, where you then met namjoon. he knows that you are very impatient and hate when people move too slowly. he knows that you love all kinds of art whether that’s music, museums, or even just a painting on a wall. he knows all about your family drama and how hard you had to work to get to wear you are now, almost graduating with your masters degree in engineering.

you guys grew up together, so everything you went through he went through too.

fast forward to today, it was your birthday, and joon said he was taking you on a surprise road trip. at first you thought to decline, because your boyfriend derick was very jealous. he would rarely let you go out, monitored what you wore, and if you did go out, he needed to have your location. the worst part of it all, it was now 5 PM, and he hasn’t wished you a happy birthday yet. you guys we’re supposed to go out for a birthday dinner last night because you would be busy today with namjoon, but he ditched you and gave one of his sloppy excuses yet again.

anyways, you were very confused at first, because you didn’t know what to pack for the trip. he said to just pack comfortable clothing, but knowing joon that probably means wear something fancy. you ended up wearing a black skirt, a beige sweater, and your dark brown boots. you then received a text from joon saying he was outside. you responded with “okayy” and gathered your stuff.

you locked your apartment door than started going down the steps, checking your phone to see that maybe, just maybe, there woild be a text from derick. you rolled your eyes at the message and put your phone away as you got into the front seat of his black jeep.

“hey!” he said, getting out of the car to help with your bag. “hi joon, thank you for helping!” you said smiling. as you both got into the car, he handed you a pink box that was labeled “do not open”. “whats this?” you asked, taking the box from him and reading what it says. “don’t open it until we get to our destination, it will ruin the surprise.” he said, giving you a cheeky smile. “ughhh you know i hate waiting! what’s inside?” you begged, trying to make him fold. “i know, but you’re just gonna have to wait.” he said, pulling out of your apartment complex.

the drive was going smoothly so far, it was now 7PM and joon said you would be there in about an hour. you kept checking your phone over and over again t lo see if derick had maybe just MAYBE texted you, but he hasn’t. namjoon must have caught on, because he then asked you, “what’s going on? why do you keep checking your phone?” your eyes widened and you tried to come up with a quick excuse. “i’m just checking the time!” you say, trying to act casual. “y/n, i’ve known you for over 10 years, i know when something’s up. talk to me, what’s the matter?”

you let out a long sigh. “it’s derick… yesterday he ditched my birthday dinner, and he hasn’t wish me a happy birthday at all today,” you said, feeling ashamed. namjoons eyes immediately filled with sorrow. “oh my gosh y/n. i’m so sorry. he’s a douchebag.” he said with genuine sympathy. “it’s fine, i mean he probably was just really busy today, and he’s not good with dates.” you said, trying to give yourself the benefit of the doubt, but it didn’t help much. namjoons eyes went cold. “y/n, are you serious? this is him obviously forgetting your birthday, and it shows a lot about him—he doesn’t care!” he said, getting annoyed. “he does care about me! i probably didn’t remind him enough. i know he’s forgetful, so i should have just put it on his calendar for him.”

namjoon clenched his jaw as tried to focus on driving. you sighed, running your hands through your hair. he pulled out a out a pack of cigarettes and started lighting one. you suddenly felt your phone vibrate and coincidentally, it was a text from derick; it read, “hey baby, i’m so sorry i forgot your birthday, i feel terrible. i’m going to make it up to you, i promise. but in the meantime, could you pick up my laundry on the way back? i’m just so swamped and i really need your help right now."

after reading the message, you let out a groan and turned your phone off. “what? was that derick?” namjoon asked, you nodded. “what did he say? he was so sorry for missing your birthday, he won’t do to again, and he needs you to do something for him?” he asked, you fell silent. “yeah, thought so.” he said, scoffing and rolling his eyes. “oh my gosh joon would you stop? you’ve never liked derick, and ever since i’ve been with him you treat him horribly!” you yell. “i’m the one treating him horribly? y/n, are you even hearing yourself? he has never treated you good, you deserve SO much more than what he’s giving you.” he yells back, the tension started rising. “why do you think you know everything ALL the time? it’s not like you’re the one in a relationship?” you reply. “because i love you, y/n, i’m sorry!” namjoon yells, tearing up. the car went silent.

“y-you what?” you ask, eyes widening. “y/n, i can’t keep sitting on the sidelines and watching you cry over someone who doesn't even remember the day you were born. it kills me to see you making excuses for him, because i know you’re better than that. i’ve loved you for so long—not just as a friend, but in a way that actually respects you. i would never, ever make you feel like an afterthought. i just wish you could see yourself through my eyes for one second, because if you did, you’d realize you deserve so much more than the scraps he’s giving you.” he says in a tone that was aggressive, and to the point, like he actually meant it.

“joon… i-“ you try to say but get interrupted. “i’m not finished yet. i know you think you love him, and i know you think he’s 'just stressed,' but i’ve loved you long enough to know when you’re being mistreated. i’ve kept my feelings to myself because i wanted you to be happy, but seeing you hurt like this... it’s too much. i’ve loved you since the day we met. i would never forget your birthday, and i would never make you feel like you had to beg for my attention. please, just look at how he treats you compared to how i’ve always treated you." he says, tears running down his face.

you cup his face, trying to wipe the tears running down his face. “joon, you’ve felt this way all this time, and you never told me? why?” you ask, tears starting to run down your own face. “you never seemed like you liked me in that way, and i didn’t know how you’d feel if i told you.” he answered. “i…i think i’ve known. i think i’ve been trying to ignore it for so long because i was terrified that if i admitted it, i’d have to face the truth about everything else. i’ve been so miserable with him, and every time i’m with you, i feel like i can finally breathe.“ you said, starting to cry.

“you don’t have to be with him y/n. be with me, he doesn’t deserve you. you’re beautiful on the inside and out, and he doesn’t see that the way i do.” he says running his hands through your hair. “i’m so scared, but... i think i’ve been in love with you for a long time, too." you say, smiling. the air in the car was thick, charged with the kind of electricity that only comes from years of unspoken tension finally snapping.

namjoon pulled over to the side of the road and cut the engine, leaving a silence so heavy it felt like a physical weight. you were still trembling from the conversation—the raw, terrifying honesty of it—when he turned in his seat. His eyes searched for mine, not with the demanding, selfish gaze of her derick, but with a desperate, searching intensity that made my breath hitch.

"i can’t pretend anymore," he whispered, his voice rough, barely audible over the rain.

you didn't answer with words. you reached out, your fingers brushed against his jaw, and the contact was like a spark. namjoon leaned in, his hand coming up to cup the back of your neck, his thumb tracing the line of her jaw with a tenderness that made your heart ache.

when he finally closed the distance, it wasn't a tentative first kiss. it was a collision of everything you guys had been holding back. it was hungry and frantic, a desperate release of all the months you’d spent feeling invisible and all the years he had spent watching you hurt.

you leaned into him, your hands tangling in his hair, pulling him closer as if you could bridge the gap between the both of you entirely. namjoon groaned low in his throat, his other hand finding your waist, pulling you across the center console until there was no space left between you guys. the car felt too small, the world outside irrelevant.

every touch was a reclamation. he kissed you like he was trying to memorize the shape of you, his lips moving against yours with a mix of reverence and raw, unbridled need. you felt the tears you’d been holding back finally spill over, but they weren't tears of sadness anymore—they were the release of a dam breaking.

namjoon pulled back just an inch, his forehead resting against yours, both of them you guys gasping for air. his eyes were dark, searching your face, his thumb still stroking her cheek.

“i’ve got you," he breathed, his voice thick with emotion. "i've got you now." you let out a shaky, broken laugh, your hands still gripping his black jacket, anchoring yourself to him. in the dark, cramped space of the car, surrounded by the storm, you finally felt the suffocating weight of your old life begin to lift, replaced by the terrifying, beautiful reality of being truly seen.

for the first time in your life, namjoon made you feel seen. he made you feel like you’re more than an object that people walk over. your whole life you’ve been tossed around from house to house and never truly felt safe. but with namjoon, you felt the opposite. you finally realize that namjoon was the guy you were supposed to he with all along. he had been your why this whole time.

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a/n: this is my first fic!! this took me WAY longer than it should have, but hey, progression!! tysm🥹