ANYTHING
☾ pairing: Namjoon x reader
☾ genre: soulmate au, fluff, angst, anxiety, depression
☾ wordcount: 5.1k
☾ note: Damn, I think this might be the longest soulmate au I've ever made - but he is my first ult and your girl had a LOT she needed to be included. As always, please like, reblog, comment and follow if you like the story, and the taglist for this is open so just make a comment if you want me to add you to it
☾ reading order: Namjoon ☾ Hoseok ☾ Jimin ☾ Jin ☾ Taehyung ☾ Yoongi ☾ Jungkook ☾
When Namjoon turned 13 nothing showed up, nothing at all. There were no marks on his body, nor were there any thoughts in his head or pain in his body. And it wasn’t that he didn’t care, but his love had always been music, and the passion he had for that was more than enough to live a fulfilled life.
So instead of seeing his life as if he was missing out, he instead shrugged and moved on.
When he joined BigHit, when he met the boys and started living with them he realized just how much most of their lives revolved around their other halves and their marks, and for the first time he felt a ping of jealousy in his chest.
The initial conversation they had about it explained both quirks and physical attributes that they all had. Jin was looking in every reflective surface to potentially catch a glimpse of his other half, Jimin was a mess once a month from pain, and Yoongi? The scar over his one eye was suddenly less gory.
And when he told them that he didn’t have one, all they had done was stare at him with pity. As if he was missing out on this incredible thing. He had tried to explain it was a waste of time to miss something you had never had, and even though he knew he was right, he couldn’t help but wonder if he was missing out on something special.
He didn’t mean to, but as time went on, he started to crave it, the promise of internal love, the promise of a future with someone, crave the one thing that he would never have.
You had heard the stories from your parents and the adults around you, and the excitement up to your thirteenth birthday was so high that everyone feared it would not live up to your expectations.
But when nothing came, and hadn’t showed up almost a year later, you had cursed the fates for not deeming you worthy of the one thing you had always dreamed about.
You had mourned him, mourned the dreams and all that could’ve been, and then slowly moved on. But those that were closest to you could see it, there was a spark in your eyes that was gone, a lightness in your steps that had suddenly become heavy.
Instead of dwelling on it too much, you dived head first into your work, your passion and those platonic soulmates you found along the way.
And as they smiled and celebrated when they met their soulmates, you made sure to hide your tears of despair in the dark hours of the night.
It was a slow Monday morning, and you managed to drag yourself out of bed into the pouring rain to get to work, completely leaving your umbrella behind in your apartment. You didn’t mind the rain, somehow it seemed to make everything slow.
There was a beauty to it, how the droplets of water hit the pavement and pooled together, how they left the greenery in this otherwise grey city more vibrant than it had been just a few hours earlier.
You turned your head towards the sky, hoping that it would wash away your sorrows, the loneliness, the depression that had taken root in your heart.
Maybe all you needed was a forever rain.
Namjoon was laying in his bed, slowly trying to rewind his mind and body after yet another tourstop, another city, another performance.
There was this feeling in his chest, one of anxiety he had a difficult time placing, it felt almost foreign, like it wasn’t his.
He closed his eyes and focused on his breathing, something he had learned helped whenever he needed a bit of grounding, and then he felt a drop of water hitting his face.
His eyes shot open as he stared up at the ceiling. It fell down his face as a single tear, and when he tried to whisk it away, there was nothing there.
He slowly sat up in his bed, and then a layer, a silk sheet of emotions, wrapped around his entire body. The feeling was familiar, like something he had always carried around with him, only this time it felt as if it had been magnified.
The feelings crept in, the sadness and anxiety, the depression and hopelessness, and they were darker than anything he himself had experienced in a very long time.
It was devastating the feeling of isolation he had inside of him, the feeling of not belonging to anyone.
There was no doubt, this had to be you, this had to be his soulmate. So he cried silently over the fact that he had left you, that he had given up and just accepted life without you. Had you been able to feel it? His indifference towards you?
Or had you just assumed, like he had, that those lingering feelings that came out of the blue were just anxiety or random bursts of happiness or sadness?
Like always he dealt with his emotions by writing it all down, and as the sun started to rise outside of his window the songs he had composed were finished.
The first songs he had written weren't songs of love and happiness, but an acknowledgement of the pain he had caused you, that he saw the pain there, that he felt it, and that he from this moment on would help you carry it.
The week following your rainy Monday was different, very different. It was filled with hope, excitement and nerves. It was weird because there was not anything exciting going on in your life, everything was exactly like it had always been.
Until one afternoon; you had stretched your body, warmed your joints and were now on pointe in front of the mirror as you ran through your routine in your head.
People were talking, exchanging words of encouragement or just straight out gossiping about something, and then a slow piano started playing somewhere in the room, accompanied by the sound of rain, and your entire world stopped.
You felt chills running through your body as every hair stood up. A woman ran towards the sound and quickly turned it off, you made a mental note of asking her what the song was when the day was over.
“Any luck yet?” Yoongi popped his head into Namjoon’s room. He had very impromptu dropped a mixtape in the middle of touring, surprising everyone, his members especially.
Then he had told them all that he in fact had a mark, he just hadn’t been aware of it which had led to loud cheers and hugs, even a few happy tears from Jimin. After that they had made sure to check in on him every now and then.
He shook his head with a somewhat sad smile. “No, not yet. So I guess it’s safe to say that she’s not army”
His older brother nodded with tight lips. “I’m sure she’ll find it”
The leader only shrugged. “I doubt it. At the end of the day it was a long shot”
Namjoon stood up and grabbed his phone from the table, flipping it open and then zoning out completely.
“What if she feels me, what if she has just chosen to ignore it, ignore me, as revenge for not feeling her all these years?”
Yoongi slowly walked into the room. “You’ve wanted this for longer than you’ve dared to admit, haven't you?” He laid a hand on his leader's shoulder, it was a touch of both support and comfort.
All he got in return was a small nod.
“I’ve met very few people in my life that have been as in touch with their emotions as you. You’ve always known how to express yourself, known how to listen to what you’ve felt and rationalized those feelings, hell you’ve even acted on them when that was what was needed. I’m sure that she is similar to that, for some reason your mark just hasn't really shown up before now. That has nothing to do with you, and I’m sure as soon as she feels it, she will be as grateful as you are”
He didn’t say it often but Namjoon had always valued the way Yoongi always knew exactly what to say, at the exact time that the people around him needed it the most.
“Thank you hyung”
All he got was a smile return, and he quickly followed the scarred rapper out of the room to join him and his members for dinner.
You had gotten the song name, and were now seated in your apartment alone with your hand hovering over the play button.
“Why am I nervous? It’s just a song” you whispered to no one.
Your cat made a small noise in acknowledgement, and came to you, gently laying down in your lap as she started to purr, almost instantly calming your nervous system.
Then you pressed the screen and the sound of both raindroplets and the sound of a piano slowly played, and then a voice started rapping.
The voice was raspy but at the same time it felt like it had been dipped in honey. It spoke to your soul in a way no music previously had. One song led you to the next and before you knew it you had listened to the entire mixtape.
You opened your computer and found the translations, and then you cried. It was as if the artist had taken everything you had ever felt, and managed to put it not only into words, but notes as well, as if he could feel your emotions.
It was beauty and it was art, and you were hooked and absolutely ready to dive head first into this artist's discography.
The search for the translation had led to a deep dive into the artist and the second he appeared on your screen your heart stopped and for the first time in your life you felt the pull.
A pull that up until this moment had only ever been described to you. It was a need and a want all at the same time, as if you were both seen and saw him for exactly who you were.
“Kim Namjoon” you whispered, and as if it was all it would take, for you to speak his name you felt a silk sheet cover your body, and emotions that weren’t your own washed over you like a tidal wave.
For the first time in a very long time, the tears that now fell from your eyes were of happiness.
And as beautiful as this moment was, it left a lingering fear. Because how the hell do you get the attention of your soulmate, when he’s in the biggest band on the planet?
They had been walking around on stage, when he felt you. It was stronger than the days leading up to it, it was a feeling of pure joy, relief and love that rushed over him.
He had stopped in his tracks and closed his eyes as he flung his hands around his own body, as if you were there with him. Almost as if he just hugged himself and your emotions tightly enough you would be able to feel him.
Jimin was the first to notice that their leader was no longer with them, and when he looked his way, his eyes disappeared into well-known crescent moons.
He gave Hoseok a small nudge which led to a squeal and the attention of the remaining members was suddenly on the mess of a man that stood a few meters from them all.
Jin ran up to him first and wrapped his large hand around his friend's neck which forced his eyes open.
“I think she found the song”
It was all he was able to say before the relief and happiness washed over him, all the while his brothers celebrated around him.
He wellowed in it, soaked every drop of happiness into the very depth of his soul, and despite not quite knowing how this mark of yours worked, he did his best to send every bit of joy he felt, down through that bond that now bound the two of you together.
You had felt him instantly, which had only made your heart swell even more, and after a long night, a few bottles of wine while you updated your girls on the events that were your soulmate, you had all come up with a plan.
It still felt weird. Your soulmate. You still had to pinch yourself whenever you felt his emotions, scared that this was all a dream you just couldn’t wake up from.
The days had turned into weeks, and after having danced so hard your feet almost bled, you were finally ready, ready to leave a trail of breadcrumbs out for him to find.
You took one last look at yourself before you gave a nod to one of your best friends and as soon as the music started, you danced to the tunes written to you by your soulmate.
The following days your social media pages exploded, you had uploaded your dance covers on every app you could think of. Hopeful that one of them would make his way to him, and that he would feel the same pull towards you, as you had felt the second you had laid eyes on him.
Army had been your biggest support through all of this, they had complimented the way you had interpreted Namjoon’s mixtape by sharing it, posting reactions to them, and most importantly tagged every member more than a thousand times in every post.
Now all you could do was wait.
Hoseok had been casually scrolling through his Tiktok when he had gotten a dm from a dance friend of his with a link to a series of dance covers by a ballerina, to the song written by his younger brother.
He had watched them all, over and over again. Studied your movements almost as much as he has studied your expressions. Because there was a dancer who understood in her very soul what the songs were about.
The second he had felt confident enough, that this was in fact what he thought it was, he had slid into your dm’s with a message as simple, yet significant as: I think I know someone who would love to meet you.
It was the worst possible timing, they were all slowly getting used to the new city, the new stadium. They were all getting ready for the show that very night, but he didn’t really care much about any of it, because this was more important.
He found Namjoon sitting in the beauty room, scrolling on his phone as he ignored the chaos around him.
Namjoon had told them time and time again the past few days that you were feeling nervous as well as excited.
From what he didn’t know, all he knew was that whatever made you feel this way, would work out, and Hoseok felt a sense of pride having been the one to discover it.
He gave the wide shouldered man a gentle tap on his arm to get his attention, and as Namjoon looked his way he gently gave him the phone with a subtle little smile.
Namjoon himself had done his best to scour the internet from any sign of you, but so far he had come up empty handed.
The second he had gotten Hoseok’s phone in his hand, he had stopped breathing. Because right there on his screen was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
You were elegant, beautiful incarnate, with a subtle hint of both happiness and nervousness written on your face and in your movements, and there was no doubt that you were his.
He slowly stood from his chair as he scrolled through his entire mixtape, interpreted by your movements and very own form of art. He had never felt more special, nor more proud than in this exact moment.
When he finished he swallowed once.
“Where is she?” he said with a lump in his throat.
Hoseok shrugged once as he peeled his phone out of his brother's hand. “I don’t know yet, but I’ve written her a message”
Namjoon pulled out his own phone and with shaking hands tried to open the app to hopefully get in contact with you himself.
A small ping was heard from the sunshine man's phone, and as he turned it towards Namjoon, a small message there read: ‘I think you do’ followed by a phone number.
With shaking hands Namjoon dialed the number, and the other end of it picked up before it even managed to ring once.
He didn’t say anything, and neither did you. For 7 seconds, he just stood there as you heard you breath on the other end, as he felt how nervous and excited you were at the same time.
“Where are you?” He managed to say, swallowing once more to hopefully buy himself some time to think of something a little more original to say.
A subtle laugh was heard on the other end. “Hi Namjoon”
He smiled then, wider than he ever had. His dimples were on full display, as his cheeks started to hurt, all the while his heart swelled.
“Hi baby” he said as the people around him broke out in cheers. The cameras had been turned on and all turned his way, when that had happened he didn’t know, and he didn’t really care, all that mattered right here and now was you.
He felt the flutters of your heart all the while calmness and pure joy enveloped him in that now well known silk, that he knew as your emotions.
“Well to answer your question, I’m actually in the same place as you are… Not in the stadium of course, but the city”
He removed the phone a little from his face as he screamed silently. This was perfect.
“How soon can you get here?” He asked, he knew it was a long shot, but he had to try.
You laughed and he was certain he had died and gone to heaven right then and there. “I’m pretty sure your concert is sold out”
He chuckled. “That’s not what I asked” he said back in the most lovingly teasing voice he could.
He could feel his heartbeat pick up as he awaited your answer.
“I’m currently at work, but if you have the time, maybe we could figure out how to meet tomorrow?” you said, he could almost feel how you bit your lip in anticipation, oh and how he hated he wasn’t there to see it.
“Send me the address, I’m coming to get you”
It was a long shot, he knew that, but he didn’t really care.
All he heard was that musically laugh, one he knew would be the inspiration for songs to come.
“Don’t you have more important things to do right about now?”
He looked at his members, his brothers, and how they all gave him encouraging nods.
“No, you are the most important thing”
You were silent for a few seconds. “Okay, I’ll send you the address"
“Stay where you are, I’m on my way”
He didn’t want to hang up, if he could he would’ve climbed through his phone and out to you on the other side, unfortunately that wasn’t happening. So instead he hung up, pulled his members into a group hug with the promise that he would be back before the concert started.
Then he turned on his heel and sprinted towards the exit.
You were sitting in the lobby at your work, silently bouncing your leg as you felt your heart almost beat out of your chest. In record time you had managed to shower, and make yourself presentable.
It wasn’t that you had been a complete lost cause, but you wanted him to find you captivating and beautiful. Luckily the women around you had come to your aid, and now your eyes were fixated on the door.
Like you, Namjoon was completely unable to sit still in the car that was taking him to you. He was constantly fiddling with his clothes, his hair, his phone. All the while his eyes were fixated on the world that passed by around him.
When he finally arrived at his destination, he took a deep breath before opening the door. His mask was on, no need to give the entire world the possibility of watching this. It was something he wanted to be as private as possible.
He saw you before you had noticed him. The way you kept twisting your rings, the way your legs bounced, the nerves and excitement that roamed through you.
It made him lose his breath.
The second he felt that need, that bond almost snapping into place, the second he felt love run through himself, he saw your eyes snap up from your hands.
He walked through the doors as you slowly stood up from the chair.
The two of you were going slow, almost as if you were afraid that the other one would disappear if you walked too fast.
He towered over you as you stood in front of him. The photos you had seen of him didn’t do him justice. He was huge. Both in hide and in width.
He slowly peeled off his mask and revealed that dimpled smile of his, as his eyes almost disappeared.
You had no idea why, but that was all it took for you to throw yourself into his arms. You didn’t know if it was the sheer strength of him, or if he had been able to predict your move, but he didn’t even sway.
Instead he just flung his arms around you, gently picking you up off the ground as he buried his head in the crook of your neck.
When he finally set you down on the ground again, your hands came to caress his cheeks, gently poking those dimples with your thumbs, earning you a laugh.
“Hello there” you said, as you gently brushed away his tears, all the while you did your best to not let your own fall.
He leaned down and rested his forehead against yours, all the while his arms snaked around your waist, pulling you closer to him.
The two of you just stood there like that for a few minutes, before he finally pulled himself together, flung an arm around your shoulders, grabbed your bag and slowly walked out of the lobby with you by his side.
It was this quiet dominance, authority that made your entire spine shiver in anticipation of what else he would be able to do. Especially when the two of you were alone.
Namjoon laughed. “Baby, pull your head out of the gutter or I will devour you on the backseat of my car”
You pulled away from him and looked at him with shocked eyes. He just chuckled in response. “I can literally feel your emotions” he bend down and whispered, “that includes lust”
The blood rushed to your cheeks as you blushed, turning both your cheeks and ears as red as a tomato.
“Oh my god, I didn’t even think of that” you responded as you hid your face in his shirt.
“Trust me, I don’t mind it at all, but how about we wait with that part until we’re alone”
You felt it then, the need and lust he too felt. You pushed him gently. “Stop that”
He chuckled once more before kissing the top of your head. “Anything for you baby”
You had arrived at the concert, and he had introduced you to his six brothers all while beaming as if he was the sun itself.
They had all welcomed you with hugs, questions and overall excitement. Excitement that was so contagious you soon were bussing with it.
Namjoon made sure to always have your hand in his, an arm flung around your shoulders, or having you leaning against his chest as he gently rested his chin on the top of your head.
And despite the chaos of dancers, stylists and mua’s, he managed to make it all feel like the safest place you had ever been.
He had made sure you got a seat where you could see him at all time, and he had made sure his front was towards you every second.
It was nerve wrecking for him to be on stage. He so hoped that you would feel pride and awe in what he did, in what he loved. Luckily it was only that and deep love and respect he felt through your shared bond the entire concert.
All those feelings made him give it a little extra, an effort that was definitely appreciated by army as well as you.
The ride from the venue and back to his hotel wasn’t the longest, and the feeling of having him close was even more amazing than anything you had ever dreamt of.
The two of you were quiet, not really wanting to speak before you were alone, there was so much that needed to be said, so much he needed to apologize for.
You could feel the nerves and the guilt eating away at him, but you also knew that just because you were able to know exactly what he was feeling, didn’t mean that he was ready to talk to you about it yet, so instead you waited.
“It’s cozy” you said as you entered his room, looked around on his exploded suitcase and all the little things that were scattered throughout the room.
You sat down on the bed and sent a smile his way, hoping it would make him open up.
He sighed once before leaning his head back, looking into the ceiling. “I’m so sorry,” he said.
You perked up at that, sitting a little straighter than you had a second ago.
He ran his hands through his hair before finally looking at you. “I’m so sorry I didn’t feel you before, I’m so sorry it took me this long to notice you were out there. I’m sorry that I’ve put you through so much anxiety, so many nights spent alone thinking I would never come”
You saw how the tears welled in his eyes, how they threatened to fall any second.
Instead of saying anything you just reached out for him, and he followed instantly, sitting down on his knees before you on the floor. His arms flung around your waist as you gently ran your hands through his hair as he cried, gently scratching his scalp with your nails.
You sat like that for a few minutes, until his breathing steadied. The you pulled him away from your chest and rested your hands on his cheeks, once again caressing those dimple of his.
“It takes two people to share a bond, and I didn’t notice you either, sure you might’ve been busier, but I should’ve been there for you as well, as support on stressful days, as a cheerleader in the back of your head, always cheering you on. We have a lot of catching up to do, both of us, but we also have a life to make it right”
He smiled, and you returned it before pulling him closer, gently rubbing your nose against his.
His eyes changed them, from loving and adoring to dominant and almost dragon-like, they got dark and the need he felt for you flushed over you was like a tidal wave.
“Can I kiss you?” he whispered, teasing you by drawing circles into your hips with his thumbs.
You swallowed once before you nodded. He didn’t hesitate, not even a second. Instead he quickly closed the distance between the two.
His lips was soft, gentle as if he was savoring something sweet, slowly taking his time to feel every emotion, feeling and taste.
The emotions were overwhelming, so much that the two of you needed to take a break. He slowly climbed over you, gently helping you scoot back onto the bed. He gave you a small peck as he smiled.
“I love that I can actually feel how I make you feel” He said as he gently nippled on your bottom lip.
The lust slowly crept over him, he pulled away once more with a raised brow. “Oh? You like that huh?”
“You could do anything to me Namjoon, and I would love it”
He closed his eyes and hid his head in the crook of your neck. “Say my name again” he almost whispered.
The kind command made you smile and a giggle threatened to spill past your lips but you held it back as you whispered his name into his ear.
“Fuck, you’ll be the death of me” he said as you saw how his pupils had completely taken over his eyes, somehow making them even more deadly than they already were.
He gently let one of his hands from your ankle up to your thigh, before he flung it around his own waist, the sheer weight of it pulled him closer to you.
“The question now is baby” he kissed right below your ear. “If-” a kiss a little lower down your neck, and he kept that going with every word he said. “- you’ll. Let. Me. Devour. You?”
He felt your need and your want for him, before you pulled him away from your neck and kissed him passionately, slowly letting go, letting yourself indulge in this with him.
The two of you had been rolling around in the sheets for hours upon hours, only taking small breaks to catch your breaths before starting once again.
You were curled around his side, your head resting on his giant chest.
“I think this is my new favorite pillow” he laughed loudly before kissing your somewhat sweaty brow.
“Good, because I would definitely want you to sleep in my arms as often as possible”
You turned to look at him, he gently started running a hand up and down your spine, gently caressing the skin beneath his fingertips.
“It feels like a dream, being here with you”
You saw how his eyes shone with both sadness and adoration. He sat up and kissed you tenderly. “I promise you it’s not. I promise that I’m here, that I’ll always be here. I promise that I’ll never leave”
One of his hands rested against your cheek and you leaned into it.
“Let’s make a deal, every now and then I’ll give you a small pinch, to remind you that this is real, that we are real?”
“You would do that for me?”
He smiled gently. “Anything for you baby”
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