Being aroace

Just using a blog to sort through my feelings vis a vis the asexual and aromantic umbrella (29, she/her)

[modew]

Being grateful

[ID: A sketch of a slice of cake with a candle on top. The inside of the cake is colored like the ace flag.]

I am still trying to grasp the elusive concept of sexual attraction. For the longest time I thought everyone experiences that. I mean it’s human, right? Isn't that what we are taught? Probably through some sort of cultural osmosis. Because I couldn’t really say where exactly I picked up this notion. It’s one of those unspoken things. 

I did kinda pick up on me not experiencing it though. But probably I hadn't met 'the right one' yet, right? Although that became more implausible the older I got. I mean how many people can you meet and still tell yourself that you must be very selective? Then I thought I must be repressing my sexuality or something. Maybe because I grew up as a woman and I internalized some weird notions of how women are supposed to be. Or maybe because I hadn’t gone through the seemingly universal teenage experience of having crushes, first kisses, first dates and all the other firsts. I must have stunted my own development in that department. Not picked up the tools that everyone else apparently had.

Or maybe I was so self-conscious and afraid of rejection that I repressed any sort of attraction? I honestly thought that. I mean, I had to somehow rationalize why I wasn't like anybody else, right? In my wildest dreams I couldn’t have imagined asexuality as an orientation, an identity.

I am so glad that ace folk before me paved the way for me to eventually stumble on what turned out to be my identity. I don’t want to imagine how my life would have gone on without finding this community. Always vaguely sensing there is something wrong with me. Getting into more relationships with problems that I couldn’t explain the source of. And no way to learn how to do better.

So I want to take this moment to feel grateful for everyone who has contributed to building a community, raise awareness and gain visibility.

Let’s celebrate 20 years of AVEN🥳

[modew]

Ace ring tattoo!!

[ID: A photograph where you can see my hand. I have a thin black ring tattooed on my middle finger.]

I always wanted an ace ring, but I also knew I would never be able to wear a ring on a regular basis. So I was like "Why not get a tattoo?". And I did :) I am super happy. I recommend ;)

[writingcissy]

honestly the ace part of tumblr is my happy place.

don't get me wrong, most of my real life friends and relatives are supportive of my sexuality and i am absolutely not being discriminated HOWEVER. they are all allo and when i talk to them about not finding anyone hot it's just like... they can't believe it (???). it's anything about what they actually do, more about how i feel when i talk to them. i start thinking about the fact that i'm the only one experiencing this and that maybe it's all in my head, that it isn't a thing to be ace. but then i come back here and i read about other people experiencing the same things i experience every day, talking about how i felt for most of my life. it really makes me feel better.

[arowitharrows]

I think it's important to understand that discussions around amatonormativity usually aren't (or shouldn't be) asking people to see their individual romantic relationships as less important, because wanting a long-term monogamous romantic relationship isn't inherently amatonormative.

Amatonormativity is about the bigger picture of how society treats romantic relationships. It's about placing romantic relationships at the top of a hierarchy and then claiming that most meaningful close and intimate connections to other humans are only accessable through them. Amatonormativity is the assumption that everyone wants to end up in a monogamous long-term romantic relationship and then decrying anyone who wants a relationship that doesn't fit into that very narrow category.

Every individual person has to figure out for themselves which types of relationships they desire or don't desire and how much importance they want to give them. Amatonormativity criticizes the fact that that's not a question you are normally asked in the first place, because the answer is always assumed.

I think if in the end someone decides to prioritize their romantic relationships, they will still have defied amatonormativity simply through consciously making that decision, and through not assuming the same for everyone else. To me, dismantling amatonormativity is about deconstructing the assumed hierarchy of relationships, giving people the chance to actually think about what they truly want, and opening the pathways for those possibilities.

[lord-king-saint]

as an ace who recently came out, i dont relate to those posts that are like "i dont understand innuendo" or "i dont get sex jokes" or "i thought everyone was kidding abt sexual attraction"

in fact, being acutely aware of sex jokes, sexual innuendo, and sexual expectations (esp the ones projected on me) was why coming out as ace was so hard. it was because i knew sexual cues that i felt so much shame, because i knew i didnt feel the same, that i couldnt meet their needs, and that ultimately i was a Bad Gay™️

not saying aces that are oblivious abt sex are lying or that those sorta jokes arent funny-- but i wanna talk abt the opposite: being hyper-aware of sex, and wanting to perform that out.

not only was i hyper-aware of sexual cues, i was good at having sex with my partners. it was like a job, or regular maintenance, like tidying, and often i got satisfication from pleasing my partner; but i never understood what they were feeling. i didnt have nearly the same intensity, which gave me a lot of helpful detachment to accomplish the chore-- but i never craved it. i never longed for it. i never was so consumed that the longing was indiscriminate.

i just didnt care. i found my partners romantically attractive and i loved their bodies. i loved cuddling them and squeezing their butt and stroking their hair and making out. even massaging them. but that was it. and i was afraid if i didnt mask that disinterest, they would leave me.

being in an ace relationship is so relieving because i dont have to perform allosexuality anymore. we're both romantically attracted to each other, but theres no repressed fear or shame or wasted energy on performance. i guess escaping that performance is why i care so much abt talking abt it.

i wish i was braver and just told everyone "im ace" earlier like my partner did. instead, i would just have the same monthly conversation with my best friend "i think... im ace" and then instead try to Fix Myself for the rest of month, on repeat, until i finally had enough in my thirties.

im sure other people relate to that too, relate to performing, code-switching, and imposter syndrome. i know lots of aces marched to their drum from the beginning, but a lot of aces tried to fit into allo society too, and theres a lot there to unpack.

[kitsuneheartreviews]

Queer YA fiction: "Aces Wild: A Heist" by Amanda DeWitt

Sometimes, you just gotta go with the pun. (Sequel potential: Aces High. Robbing a dispensary. XD )

Teens need more heist books! And this is quite a charming one. Jack Shannon and his chatroom of other asexual teens all come together in Vegas to take down a mob boss. The team covers some of the common heist roles. Mastermind/Backer, Hacker, and plenty of Distractions. Give these kids 10 years and they'll be a formidable crew!

I loved the distinction between asexual and aromantic in the book, and the fact that Jack himself is uncertain where he falls on this second spectrum. It's a great way to add some extra nuance to the discussion of sex, romance, and gender identity.

It's quick, it's fun, it's respectful of the queer community. A great pick!

[modew]

Demisexual rep :)

I have been rereading this novel (Paint the Stars) and I wanted to share a little from it:

"There’s nothing wrong with having a healthy sex life.” “You’re right.” The very topic was upsetting to me in my younger years. When all of my friends were hooking up left and right and I wasn’t even interested in sex—let alone attracted to anybody—I thought for sure there was something wrong with me. [...] But it barely registers anymore. I know myself much better, and I’m more than comfortable being solo. [...]  “There’s just…there’s something you should know about me.” [...] I shake my head, wishing this wasn’t so awkward. “Listen, I fall on the ace spectrum,” I reveal before he can get another inane apology out. His body goes completely still. “Ace…so you’re saying you’re asexual?” My shoulders unwind because I’m relieved he’s familiar with the term. “Actually, I’m demisexual as far as I can figure out.” I’d had an epiphany of sorts years ago at a Pride Festival. Fuck, this is not always easy to talk about. “I’ve only been able to have a sexual relationship with somebody I’ve known and trusted a while. In short, I guess there needs to be a deeper connection in order for me to feel attraction or be intimate—if that makes sense.” ----from “Paint the Stars” by Christina Lee

[modew]

AUREA - How aros fit in the wider LGBTQ+ community

Merlin, AUREA’s newest news team member, introduces herself with a piece on what aromanticism means as a reflection on Pride.

“There are several theories that try to explain the ever-present target placed on queer people including procreation, hedonism, and population size. One thing remains the same: it is always informed by societal judgement. We are judged, and found wanting against some arbitrary standard.”

"The First Pride was a Riot. A slogan now proudly displayed on all sorts of rainbow-patterned merch, available on Amazon…But it’s important to remember that it was. It was a revolution. It was radical. It was Not Straight. It was a rejection of what they deem socially acceptable. To make progress, the rallying cry of ‘Love is Human’ was used to normalise gays & lesbians. To love in a homosexual or homoromantic way was radical.”

"So what makes Aromanticism queer? Is it simply because we’re Not Straight? We don’t fit the mould. We don’t always fall head over heels. We get romance-repulsed sometimes. We question monogamy, marriage, commitment. Or is it because the queer community at its foundation rejects the idea of life confined to the parameters set by society, just like all the other Not Straights. We’re not a definition. We reject containment.”

“For Aros, loving in a non-romantic way or rejecting love altogether is our radical. Living in a world where married couples get tax breaks, Valentine’s day is all consuming, Hallmark movies exist as a genre, building a life without romance is counter-culture. And just like the counter-culture of the 1960s, what aromanticism as an identity encourages – building strong relationships and communities outside of amatonormative standards – is going to contribute to a brighter, more loving, world.

We’re here, we’re queer. Get used to it!”

[modew]

Had a ‘you will find the right one’ experience -_-

“Sensitive people who would never tell a gay man that he hasn’t found the right woman think little of saying the same to an ace person. [...] Straight people are rarely treated like they’re close-minded for knowing their sexual orientation, but aces are assumed to be unsure and always on the brink of finding the person who will change everything. “ (ACE by Angela Chen)

The other day I talked to a person and they kept telling me that I need to open myself up, that I am too closed up, never say never, etc. You know, the whole, you are still young (I am 28), trust me, things will change, you will find someone. I can’t believe I got stuck in this argument. And I met that person that day. Seriously, they don’t know shit about me. Or about being asexual and aromantic, clearly. 

And I don’t know how to deal with this experience. I feel frustrated I think. It was so patronizing. Now I am thinking I should really appreciate all the people in my life who took my word for it and that was enough for them. They believed me. And that shouldn’t be too much to ask for. I shouldn’t have to be grateful for that. None of us should. But that is part of being somewhere on the aspec, right? Not a lot of people know what it is. It is so incredibly difficult for allo people to compute this. They cannot wrap their head around it. Because isn’t love and attraction the most natural thing, it unites all, love is love and so on.  

Back to the whole thing where it is so fucking infuriating, insulting, and infantilizing when someone doesn’t trust you to know yourself. I don’t think they even understood I was proclaiming my sexual orientation. When you tell someone you are just never going to fall in love, no I will never have a romantic relationship, that doesn’t sound like stating my identity. What you get is the OMG, who hurt you? reaction basically. Maybe I should have focused more on the genuinely not feeling sexual attraction part of my identity. Is that easier to comprehend than not wanting a romantic relationship? Ugh, I hate that I am wondering how I failed in this conversation. How I am thinking that someone more confident and eloquent would have giving a successful TED talk to this person and taught them about the aspec. 

Anyways, it was a shitty experience and I mad at the world again. 

[modew]

How Animal Crossing helped me explore my gender

A virtual head start.

“My friends and I can hop on Discord (so long, Skype) and fly to each other’s islands to have photoshoots with the variety of different outfits we put together. This social experience isn’t just limited to my friends, either; I can now post screenshots of my villager on social media to say “Hey! Check out my bangin’ style!” without the shame or fear I would have felt doing that in high school. Animal Crossing has once again become a place I’m able to be myself without consequence. And the more I can be myself virtually, the more I want to be myself in real life.“

“With the wave of transphobic fearmongering passing through the United States right now, those kinds of spaces are more necessary than ever. I hope that queer youth are able to continue to use these digital playgrounds as a safe and fun space to play with gender.“

[modew]

Learning to love being asexual while looking for love on Discord

Asexuality is a feature — not a bug.

Very short article. I would recommend for everyone who is ace and interested in dating. The author writes about their experience on an ace discord dating server.

[modew]

Aspec News in the Queer AF Newsletter!

“In July, a supreme court case in Sweden set an international precedent, stating relationships shouldn’t just be measured by sexual activity. The case involved two women who lived together on a farm, had shared finances and were in a relationship for all intents and purposes. In January 2018, one of the women died. There was then a dispute between the deceased woman's parents and the other woman as to who was entitled to her life insurance compensation. [...]

But Sweden’s Supreme Court made an important ruling in favour of the surviving partner.[...] According to the court, even a relationship without sexual cohabitation can constitute a relationship within the meaning of the law, and this applies regardless of the reason why no sexual cohabitation occurs. [...]

This case was monumental with regards to the concept of amatonormativity, a term which Dr. Elizabeth Brake, professor of philosophy at Rice University in Texas, coined. Amatonormativity, according to Brake, is the belief that marriage and companionate romantic love have special value, which leads to overlooking the value of other caring relationships. Brake states that amatonormativity creates a “relationship hierarchy” that stigmatizes non-sexual and non-romantic relationships as somehow inferior to relationships where sex and romance are components. This is the case even if a non-romantic relationship is stronger in bond and longer in the term. Brake stated that amatonormativity and its privileges can also pressure people to enter and remain in exclusive, sexual dyadic relationships – even when such relationships are bad for them, are costly, or simply not what that individual needs.

The ruling by the Swedish Supreme Court was groundbreaking. Amatonormativity has vast legal ramifications attached to it. [...]”

https://www.wearequeeraf.com/subscribe/ 

[modew]

"Also, please don't say the words 'gay', 'bi' or 'trans' in hushed tones when in public. Say them with ease!" Riyadh Khalaf -Allyship starts at home

[auggator]

For those struggling with their aromanticism and internalized arophobia:

Know that you're not alone, there are a lot more aros than you think. Being aro can be really isolating, but it also has a great community of people that will support you throughout your aromantic journey.

Know that you're not less than other people because they can feel romantic attraction. Romance is not the pinnacle of existence and not experiencing it doesn't mean you're less than.

Know that partnerships are available to you if you want them. Aros can be in romantic or queerplatonic or platonic or any other relationship if they say choose. You're not forced to be single if you don't want to be. And in that same breath, if you don't want to partner, that's great too! There's a whole community of nonpartnering aros! And not partnering can be a great experience of learning more about yourself and freeing yourself from expectations.

You're not "missing out"; you're not less than; you're not alone

Know that you can find joy in being aromantic. Accepting my aromanticism has been the best thing that happened to me. Being aromantic can be a beautiful, joyful, freeing experience.

It will take time, but it's worth it.

[that-bookworm-guy]

16 LGBT+ Books by Transgender and Non-binary Black Authors

As with my LGBT+ List, I’m seeing a lot of the same books on my dash, so I spent a few hours researching some lesser-known books. These books fall across a variety of genres and age group.

24 LGBT+ Book by Black Authors 16 Books by Transgender/Non-Binary Black Authors 27 LGBT+ YA Books by Black Authors

Ways you can help

[prowl-autism-extraordinaire]

queer is such a good word. im queer as in fuck you. queer as in odd. queer as in fucked-in-the-head. queer as in i hope you choke on it. queer as in a slur i laugh at. queer as in not like you. queer as in none of your business. queer as in a line in the fucking dirt. queer as in we’re here. get used to it. queer as in this is who i am and what i am. queer as in im different and i dont fucking care. queer as in with or without you i exist and ill keep doing it. queer as in queer

[modew]

List of Queer Shows on German Netflix

I made this list for my friends (read Excel with 7 sheets) and thought I’d share it with you although these are shows shown on German Netflix. I don’t recommend You, Me, Her. I really loved Trinkets, Please Like Me, Sense 8, She Ra and Feel Good.