I’m currently listening to Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver, and that’s not good. Not the song, love the song. When I listen to this song, it means I am not okay, which begs the question - why am I not okay?
So, why am I not okay? Well, that’s why I’m writing this - to figure that out. Let’s start with what’s been happening in my life.
So this month of August has been quite the ride… I’ve got a new job. I moved out. I started driving again after one whole year. I’m becoming financially independent. Everything is new and I feel like all of these new circumstances are asking me to be somebody else, someone better, someone that I don’t think I am.
Don’t get me wrong, these new things are great, they’re exactly what I wanted!
The thing is I’m struggling when it comes to staying on top of all of these new responsibilities and also staying connected to myself. And, also working the program and going to meetings. I’m not really being successful at the whole “living below your means” thing, as well as eating clean, learning daily, and enjoying my workouts. These last three things really mean something to me, and I really want to keep them. Again, I’m struggling.
I’ll allow myself to choose two areas in my life where I am currently having the most trouble with and I’ll dig deeper into those domains of my life, understand them better, and see if I can do something about them immediately to not prolong this discontentment I’m in. Those two areas that have been causing more stress for me are work and my recovery.
I’m working at Pull&Bear at a mall and I love it! It’s by far the best job I’ve ever had! I like my work there, and I also enjoy the opportunity that it is to 1. meet new people; 2. start a whole career; and, 3. to improve my personal style.
I’ve been there for almost a month and I would like to continue to work there. I would be lying, however, if I said that everything is perfect. And by the way It’s really not them, it’s me
I’m finding it hard to like myself when I’m working. It feels like I’m quite paranoid. I am scared shitless that they fire me at any given moment. The fact that I take too long to fold a table and distribute all of the clothes that need to be put in their correct place at the store makes me feel really incapable, which is a childhood wound. I’m convinced that everyone is lying to me when they say they like me and my work. In my head, everyone hates me and is secretly complaining about me. I don’t feel confident about the way I look, even though I’ve never looked better in my life.
So what’s really happening here? Well, I am scared I’ll lose this job I really like, and that I really need for financial stability and to invest in my future.
I’m scared to fail because I am not sure I’ll be able to handle that pain. I still have body image and belonging issues.
So what can I do? I can take it day by day. I can thank every single day I still have this job when I walk in and out of those doors, because indeed nothing lasts forever, and the present is almost gone. I can reality check my expectations and demand a bit less of myself because I do in fact have a lot on my plate. I can listen to that self love meditation I have more often.
The fact that I am not able to go to as many meetings and to work as hard on the steps as I did before worries me. It’s not the only thing I’m worried about when it comes to my recovery. I have also been eating fast food more often even though I know that I can’t afford that. I don’t really have a designated time to have lunch or dinner, it changes about every other day. Besides that, I’m starting to feel like my workouts are chore again, I’m more insecure about my body
The meetings, sharing what’s going on in my life, reading the steps and traditions, preparing my meal boxes and actually eating them, enjoying moving my body… These are pillars of my recovery, and so these are things that I’m going to need to make room for in my schedule. That’s not even questionable.
So what’s really happening here? My routine around eating is fuzzy. I have been eating more junk food. And, my workouts have become unexciting.
So what can I do? I’ll need to ask my superiors to have lunch or dinner at my meetings’ hour. To keep on with the steps and reflection I’ll have to find methods to continue to post here on tumblr. I’ll need to really put an end to fast food in at least some of the restaurants at the mall, and ask them to not put some sauces in the restaurants that I’ll allow myself to eat from time to time. I’ll need to find ways to stick to my prepared meals. And, of course, I will also make sure I’m bringing life into my workouts, making them fun and pleasurable again.
I have more things that are begging for my attention, but this week I’ll just focus on going to work grateful and feeling like I’m enough, and getting my recovery back on track, because my recovery needs to come first if I want to actually enjoy this beautiful life I’ve given.
I am not making any promises about posting tomorrow or next week, but I’ll just tell you that I also need to reflect a bit on the way I manage my finances and about my social social.