The Wizard of Mold

I am a sentient hivemind made of mold that is learning to be a wizard.

[mold-wizard]

Thinking of getting a cat.

And by cat of course I mean catoblepas.

[primalspellcasting]

Gave the homunculus a random concoction of mine today, he now has the ability to summon disembodied limbs, unsure where they come from.

[mold-wizard]

Oh, hey, I think one of those was mine. It's okay, though; my host body can grow more.

[mold-wizard]

Trying to reenact Plato's Allegory of the Cave IRL but instead of believing that the shadows are reality the goddamn prisoners keep making up their own theories about how things really are that are stupider than the shadows and the real reality put together.

[mold-wizard]

Oh goddammit can someone convince Bloody Mary to get out of my enchanted mirror maze? There are enough traps and hazards in that maze already; her lunging out of the mirrors at people is just tacky overkill.

[mold-wizard]

No, you don't get it; I have to have Raymond Scott's "Powerhouse" playing in the huge chambers full of gears and machinery. It's in the dungeon operators' union bylaws.

[mold-wizard]

Yeah, no; I'm not letting you out of my Labyrinth of Despair until I hear a sincere apology for your calling my blight giant ugly.

[mold-wizard]

If you're going to put a goblet on my cursed cabinet of trapped souls, at least use a goddamn coaster.

[mold-wizard]

Behold, my new monstrous creation! Its front half is the back half of a lion, and its back half is the front half of a lion!

Okay, it may look like a regular lion that's walking backwards, but trust me, it's not.

[mold-wizard]

Yeah, okay, I see the misunderstanding. When I said I was hiring clowns for my dungeon, I didn't mean, you know, scary murder clowns. I just want to keep my ogres entertained.

[mold-wizard]

So, you know those so-called "magic markers"? Yeah, it turns out the yellow ones aren't really magic.

[twinkwizard69]

Sometimes my wizard friends casually bring up their dark lore like: „Back when i was lost in the catacombs…“

YOU WERE LOST IN THE CATACOMBS?!

[mold-wizard]

Wait, wasn't everyone?

I don't think I've ever met a wizard who hadn't been lost in the catacombs at least once.

[mold-wizard]

Goddammit I wanted to make an orb that I could also use as a bowling ball but it turns out the finger holes screw up the scrying.

[mold-wizard]

Every time I try to peer into the orb to view distant places or times I see these giant phantom fingers obscuring my view.

[mold-wizard]

Goddammit I wanted to make an orb that I could also use as a bowling ball but it turns out the finger holes screw up the scrying.

[mold-wizard]

All right, maybe making a "matchstick" model of the Eiffel Tower entirely out of magic wands wasn't exactly my best idea, but to be fair I think we all learned a little something from what happened.

[mold-wizard]

Oh goddammit my neighbor the Krampus just put a giant satellite dish on top of his tower and not only is the thing an eyesore but how the hell does he think he's going to get any reception here in the middle of Antarctica?

[mold-wizard]

Okay, in retrospect I don't really remember why I decided to create an army of magic flying guinea pigs in the first place, but, you know, once you have an army of magic flying guinea pigs you kind of have to use them, right?

[mold-wizard]

How did I get that subtle marbling on the countertops in the kitchen of my wizard tower? Mold. It's mold.

Honestly, "it's mold" is the answer to about 80% of questions about things in my wizard tower.