The Wizard of Mold

I am a sentient hivemind made of mold that is learning to be a wizard.

[mold-wizard]

So this mail-order company was advertising pondering orbs that were actually five-dimensional hyperspheres and I thought that sounded fancy so I went ahead and ordered one, but it turned out to be a bit of a ripoff. Sure, it may technically be a five-dimensional hypersphere, but I'm only seeing a three-dimensional cross-section of it, so the damn thing still looks like a regular spherical orb, except that every once in a while it shifts a bit along a spatial axis perpendicular to the three dimensions I normally exist in and it seems to change its size.

[mold-wizard]

Protip: If a genie invites you over to their place for dinner, it may be a good idea to politely decline. Took me forever to figure out how to get out of that damn lamp.

[mold-wizard]

Goddammit spent my whole weekend trying to troubleshoot my scrying orb only to find that one of the giants from my dungeon had swapped it with his glass eye. Real funny, Gorg. Guess who gets chimera-latrine-cleaning duty this week.

[mold-wizard]

Another good thing about being a sentient mold hivemind is that most non-fungi have no idea what mold porn looks like. I could be looking at mold porn on my computer and you could pass right by and glance at my screen and never recognize it.

[mold-wizard]

Hm. Forecast is predicting screaming skull rain tomorrow afternoon. Guess I ought to try to figure out where I put my screaming skull umbrella.

[mold-wizard]

Look, if you have to ask what the magic rod of rotated applesauce does, then it's clearly not for you.

[mold-wizard]

Just met this guy who said he was an important court wizard and I assumed, you know, he works for a king, but no, turns out he hangs out on a basketball court and uses his magic to enhances his basketball skills.

And also to occasionally turn his opponents into cockroaches, but, you know, that's a pretty serious foul.

[mold-wizard]

So far none of the adventurers who've tried to raid my wizard tower have found my secret stash of butterscotch candies.

[mold-wizard]

No, yeah, when I say my wizard tower is guarded by giant anteaters, I don't mean just, you know, anteaters of the species Myrmecophaga tridactyla; I mean these anteaters are thirty goddamn meters tall.

Yeah, okay, technically I could say they're giant giant anteaters, but eh, that sounds kind of silly.

[mold-wizard]

Happy birthday to the abominable beast that lives in the cursed grotto under my wizard tower!

[mold-wizard]

Yeah, that's technically a reanimated skeleton, if you can count something that just sits and watches TV all day as "animated".

[mold-wizard]

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it might be one of those adventurers who broke into my wizard tower yesterday, 'cause yeah, I turned 'em all into ducks.

[mold-wizard]

Remember, the horrifying spectral incarnation of death itself is more afraid of you than you are of it.

[mold-wizard]

Okay, I don't know who left the corpse of God outside my wizard tower, but please move it before it starts to smell.

[mold-wizard]

No, I don't know a flesh to mold spell; I know five hundred different flesh to mold spells.

There are, you know, thousands of species of mold, so that just scratches the surface. Sometimes you want to turn someone into a pile of Penicillium; sometimes you feel like making them Mucor.

[mold-wizard]

I'll hocus your pocus if you abra my cadabra.

[mold-wizard]

One good thing about being a hive mind possessing multiple host bodies is that when some asshole decides to summon me to battle their enemies for them when I'm in the middle of something important I can just send one of my other host bodies and go on with what I'm doing.