Mom of heroin addicted daughter

Just a place to post my struggles

[momofaddict]

I adopted him today!

[momofaddict]

Things I'm sad about:

I miss my daughter

I miss my empty nest

No one has ever officially asked me to marry them

I've never picked out or worn a wedding dress

My daughter was my best friend

My son is not my best friend

I'm going to grow old alone

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Things I'm happy about:

I am adopting my grandson. He will be my legal son starting April 10, 2023.

I'm not married

I'm going to grow old alone

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I know, it's confusing to me too

[momofaddict]

I just realized, there are no fucking support groups for the exact condition, the exact scenario that I'm in. And I need one.

I want to fucking eat, which I cannot do without massive guilt and weight gain. And I want to fucking drink, which I cannot do safely around the child. So what the fuck do I do?

I'm also finding out that vacations are a monumental waste of time. Because the minute, and I mean the fucking second that I get home, it's instant, massive stress on my shoulders, plus the added stress of all the shit that I missed while I was gone. Goddamnit how the fuck does anybody survive this fucking world?

[momofaddict]

No one asked me if I was okay with taking care of my grandson, which by the way, I am. However, as I said, no one asked. No one bothered to ask. And certainly, no one has bothered to ask if I'm doing okay in general. If I'm doing okay raising my grandson, alone, at my age. I couldn't feel more alone.

[momofaddict]

I really don't know how to feel right now. My ex who pays $0 for anything out of his own fucking pocket actually got some work from his painting business. He got $4,000. The first thing he did was tell me that he can't put any of that money aside for help with Phoenix, because he has to record music, buy this and buy that, and he wants to start a brand new business where he sells tours (drive bys) of Dimebag's old house, other rock and roll houses, and other stupid shit that will not make him any money of consequence. And if it did, it certainly wouldn't make any money in the near future.

Remember that I have shoveled money at this man. I talked to my son into paying for his rent house for yet another year out of his mother's estate. He's no longer even paying for his fucking cell phone or weed. The man pays for nothing! And this goddamn son of a bitch gets money for the first time in 2022 and decides none of it is going to go towards helping to raise Phoenix. He apparently has other priorities.

What I'm more upset about is that I feel weak. I'm so afraid of raising Phoenix all by myself that I did all of this stupid shit actually expecting my ex to step up to the plate when the rare money he gets comes his way. I'm such a stupid fucking asshole. And I have no one to talk to about this stuff who doesn't have some kind of bias except Tumblr. How sad is that, I ask you?

I'm sure I've mentioned before that this dickweed will on numerous occasions blow up my phone with all of his money problems. Are you fucking kidding me right now? How dare him!! I gave him $5,000 out of the sale of my home and early december. I gave him another $1,000 with my tax return. I gave him another $500 with my bonus in April. $6500, plus monthly bills. This man just takes and takes and takes from me, and still has the nerve to complain about money TO ME, when he doesn't lift a finger to make any.

But I'm the asshole, because I chose to shovel this money at him. He spent at minimum $600 recording music that will never sell because his voice is like nails on a fucking chalkboard. What's more, is he doesn't expect it to sell, he's just taking my money and spending it with abandon. That lease doesn't run out until the end of March next year. He will not have enough money to buy groceries and gas alone for the next 10 months on what's left of all that money I gave him. And he doesn't care.

I don't understand why I have to be the only responsible person in my life. I'm so fucking terrified of dying and wondering who the hell is going to take care of phoenix. My son hasn't worked in 6 months. He's depressed and he too is living off of his grandma's inheritance.

Boy oh boy, wouldn't I love a 6-month break from life. MUST BE FUCKING NICE!

[momofaddict]

WANTED: A true friend that actually gives a shit about what's happening in MY life and can look beyond themselves, just like I do for all of my friends.

[momofaddict]

It seems everyone I know gets to check out of life due to depression, anxiety, exhaustion, or stress. Must be nice. I have to keep pressing on. I get NO time to check out, stay home, not work, blow off my obligations, etc. Pisses me off that the few people I need in my life are so selfish and never think about the fact that I'm alone in this.

Phoenix is doing great, he will be 3 years old soon, hard to believe. Thank God he's a good kid or I don't think I'd have made it this far. The house that was being built is done and we are living here. The neighborhood is perfect for Phoenix as many of his friends from school (daycare/learning center) live here. There are a ton of parks, six pools so far, walking trails, duck ponds, lake club with various types of boats and paddle boards, hundreds of family friendly events all year, etc. This neighborhood is everything I had hoped it would be. But it's expensive.

My ex has run out of his portion of the small inheritance money and I am literally paying all of his bills. My son (the executor of my ex's mom's will) was generous enough in seeing my need for help in raising Phoenix, and paid for another year's rent for my ex's rent house. I gave my ex $5k from the sale of my old house at the end of last year, and another $1k from my tax return. I'll have enough to contribute another $1k with my bonus that's coming April 15th, then the money dries out until next February. The mortgage on my new house is very high, almost double that of my last house. I wish my ex would pull his head and clean out of his ass and get to work. On the rare occasion he works, he often will fuck up the jobs by mouthing off to the customers. He refuses to take small jobs because apparently that's beneath him. He actually took $300 of the money that I gave him to help me with Phoenix to record music. Are you fucking kidding me right now? How is he supposed to last in that rent house for a whole other year when he has $2,800 (of MY money) in his account?? 98% of the time, he's too depressed to work. Well boo fucking hoo. Like I said, must be nice.

There is not a single soul on this planet that ever asks how I'M doing. I take care of everyone around me and I feel more responsible than anyone in the universe. I am exhausted, I am stressed, I get depressed, my anxiety levels have been crazy high lately. But no one's paying my bills. No one's stepping up to help me with Phoenix except my ex, and that's only because all his shit is paid for.

I sure would like to know when it's going to be my turn. When is someone going to take care of me?

[momofaddict]

I decided to change the profile picture and cover picture on this blog. My daughter deserves better than a picture of her completely nodded out and a picture of her needle and spoon.

[momofaddict]

Dean's FB profile with all of those horrible postings and videos just disappeared recently. I sent the petition that ultimately had around 32,000 signatures (!) to FB with low expectations. I never heard back from them, but one day I checked his page and it was gone.

It's a shame that there's nothing for his son (and his other 2 kids) to see eventually. But it's not like his page was a barrel of laughs anyway. He was a tortured soul and it definitely showed on his page. He was either really happy or really depressed or really angry. So I suppose it's all for the best, and I will take no profile as opposed to having the profile there with all those horrible videos and pics he posted hours and minutes before committing suicide.

[momofaddict]

Brutal truth: Do you ever just want someone to hold you ever so tightly and say, "I'm so sorry the these terrible things happen to you. You deserve better, but I'm here for you any time." And really mean it? Is it so wrong to wish that people actually feel sorry for you? I feel so alone.

[momofaddict]

He turned 2, it was awesome. 💜♥️

[momofaddict]

Things have actually been going really well for me lately. The baby is no longer a baby. He's a walking, talking toddler. He's such a good boy and is as easy as a toddler can be. He's so incredibly smart! And seriously insanely cute.

My ex moved out of the condo and we sold it out of the family to one of my best friends. Thank God that curse is out of our family. My son and I used the inheritance money to move my ex into a house where the baby will have a backyard and the ex won't have neighbors on top of him. He just does not get along with people very well. But when he is happy then the baby and I are happy too. My ex takes him every Thursday afternoon and I pick him up Sunday mornings. It's such a welcome relief to still be able to have some single woman time.

Understand that my ex is straight up fucking crazy. There is literally no way to describe his crazy. But in general he believes in outlandish conspiracy theories, he always thinks everyone is against him, and it's taken him a year to trust me completely. He believes that eating dandelions are the cure for literally everything. BUT, he's amazing with his grandson. Who knows what the future will hold as Phoenix grows. But all I can focus on right now is the here and now. And here and now, I need my me time.

That said though, I feel like I've crossed over into a place of utter enjoyment when it comes to this little dude. The fact that he can now communicate definitely helps in that regard. We have so so so much fun together and my couch potato days are officially over... Which is a very good thing. there isn't a whole lot One can do during a pandemic, but we found our places to go and have fun. I have decided to move to a new house with a backyard. The community I'm moving to is huge and has at least 15 parks within it. It also has a beach, a lake, six pools, including two pools that he could play in tomorrow if they were open. His daycare/learning center is there as well as an elementary school. So that will be awesome as he grows, he can make friends that are in the same neighborhood easily. The grounds are absolutely beautiful. It's costing me an arm and a leg in this, but he's worth it. Plus it looks like my current house will sell for over $100,000 more than what I paid for it 6 years ago. That definitely helps ease the pain of buying a 1700 sq ft home at a premium.

I decided to do a sort of burning bowl ritual around Melody's things as I begin to prepare my house to sell. I found some papers with some step work that had some bad memories for her. I found out a lot of stuff about her time as an addict that I didn't know, which I expected. So I gathered those and other items and writings that represented the bad years. I kept all of her journals that were during her sober times so her child can have them one day. But I put all that stuff together, grabbed the metal box that she used to put her methadone in, and burned it. I meditated during this "ceremony" set an intention to let go of the addict and keep the memory of my daughter and the good times we had alive and well. I was going to put the ashes on her grave, but then I thought against it, because I didn't want to put the bad memories on her grave. So I put the addict where it belongs, in the trash. Only the good part of Melody remains in this house.

While I still don't feel her presence per se, I talk to her all the time. I'm always so hopeful that she's seeing her little boy grow up, and laughing her beautiful laugh at his silliness. I miss her so so much, but I still don't cry as much as I feel like other people cry when they lose their child. I still can only attribute that lack of emotion to the relief of no anxiety, stress, financial strain, etc. that the addict caused me. I've made peace with my lack of emotion for the most part because I really feel like Melody understands. And my grandson has a lot to do with my happiness these days as well.

I can't believe I've been raising him for a year and a half and he will be two in May. As much stress as my ex caused me over the last year and a half, the amount of gratitude that I feel for his stepping up to the plate, and helping me with our grandson is immeasurable. I don't know how many men, who had been divorced for 30 years, would help their ex the way he has helped me. So is his rent paid for the next year with the inheritance & condo sale money? Yep! I'm also using Melody's social Security money to cover his bills. He does work occasionally, if I had to guess I'd say about once every two months he gets up off of his ass and works. If I didn't say before he has his own painting business. Which of course during the pandemic slowed tremendously. But as the pandemic is lifting, I know for a fact that this is the busy season for painting. He's told me that he's had a lot of previous customers hit him up. But he is a lot more depressed than I am as he has a 6-year-old son and the mother of that child will not let him see his son. That coupled with Melody passing away has really hit him hard. His grandson is the light in his life, But I really feel that depression (and laziness too) prevent him from working enough to support himself. He's going to have to figure it out though, because after this year, he will be on his own. And the year is already flying by. I guess we'll see how that pans out.

I'm so grateful to my son too. He was the executor of his grandmother's will where the small inheritance came from. He was the one that agreed to take some of the inheritance money and cover his dad's rent for a year at my request. I will say though that now that my grandson is getting older, if my ex goes off his rocker and I have to keep him full time, I think I can handle it now. I mean, I could probably could have handled it just fine over entire time the last year & a half. But it's a pretty jarring adjustment going from being single with grown children and having all the me time I want, to having none. Anyway I'm rambling...

I hadn't posted in a while and just wanted to express how well things are going in this little journals/blog or whatever.

[momofaddict]

I watched Steel Magnolias last night for the first time since my daughter's death 11/26/19. That's always been one of my favorite all-time movies, but I saw the movie with new eyes last night.

I was/am Sally Field.

Sally Field was the voice of reason, even when her voice wasn't necessarily appreciated or understood. She was very close to her daughter, whom she ultimately lost. She was the matriarch who held the family together. She was overprotective because of the deep love for her daughter. She was kind of a butt-in-ski and control freak. And when her daughter died, it shredded her, but she also sought and found comfort in her little blonde grandson.

While Julia Roberts' character as Sally Field's daughter was not an addict, she had diabetes. And when Julia Roberts' character had to get dialysis after childbirth, because it killed her kidneys, her arms were torn up from the dialysis. It was an all too familiar scene. My daughter's arms were a mess.

There were also some milestones that I realized I will never get to experience while watching the movie. One hit me hard: Melody was my only daughter and she never married. I never got to be the mother of the bride, shop for wedding dresses with her, experience the excitement of her getting engaged and planning a wedding. Oh how I wanted to do that with her, and we had talked about it many times. She wanted to do that with me too.

Needless to say, the meltdown Sally Field had at her daughter's grave site is verbatim how I feel inside. I was supposed to go first. And WWWHHHYYYY her?!

My apologies to anyone who has never seen this movie as I definitely shared some spoilers. But the movie was released in 1989 so I feel like it's fairly safe to share.

[momofaddict]

Long story short, cuz I'm short on time, I actually made it through Thanksgiving Day pretty much unscathed. We cooked good food, I had a small band of what I called misfits over for food, meaning just a couple other people that don't really get along well with their families joined me along with my son. Everyone played with the baby And he had a blast, which meant I had a really good time. I cried when it was all over, but more out of relief.

I found out today that the baby does not have hep C despite both his mother and father having it. It's a miracle!

I'm not sure what happened, or how much you all have helped with this, but my petition to get the baby's father's disturbing photos and videos before committing suicide taken off of Facebook has gone from about 2,000 signatures to almost 20,000!!! I feel like I actually might be able to fight the almighty Facebook.

Keep spreading the word and getting those signatures, I'm going to leave the petition open a little longer and see how far I can take this and how many signatures I can get.

Here's the link again, please sign and share 💜

http://chng.it/KsDCgP97

[momofaddict]

Thanksgiving day this year will be one year since my daughter lost her life to heroin OD. I've lost what little faith I had. I do believe in an afterlife, because the idea of NEVER seeing her again is unfathomable. But God, Heaven, Hell - they just seem like a fairy tale.

It still doesn't feel real, except that it feels very real as I raise her now 18 mo child. I love him with every fiber of my being, but as anyone who reads this knows, my plans for being a relaxed, traveling empty nester are gone. Maybe that's selfish, but I can accept that.

I'm so mad at her for leaving me and especially for leaving her child. I'm mad that my life, as I planned it, is gone. I'm mad that Phoenix's father killed himself 4 days after my daughter's death and I have to explain both deaths to him someday. I'm mad that I will have to face his full-blooded sister one day & explain why she was given up for adoption and Phoenix wasn't. I'm so sad and mad about this whole scenario and I'm so alone as a single woman. I was always happy being divorced since age 23. But now - I could really use the help. That's a hard thing to admit.

What's more is I miss my baby girl. She was my very very VERY best friend. I could be my true self with her, even in her addiction. How can life go on without her contagious laugh, her child-like trust in people, and her unique love for humanity? I can't believe it's been a year. If it weren't for her son, who is in my care until my end of days, I'd be so lost. I mean I'm still lost, but he gives me purpose and a means to press onward.

But while I'm unloading, I may as well admit that it's also difficult when I'm having a hard day. I have to put my happy face on when Phoenix gets home from daycare no matter what kind of wretched day I've had at work, or no matter if I just need to crawl into bed and cry for my daughter. I feel like if I project any kind of negativity around him, we will both be miserable. It's just me. My ex helps a couple days a week, but that means dealing with my ex... whom I left 30 years ago! Not fun, but I'd be an even hotter mess without any help at all.

Oh sure, everyone wanted to help at first when Melody died. But those offers are now silent and it's just me - and my ex. Ugh. I'm just exhausted, and sad, and scared, and alone. I miss her, I miss her, I miss her soooo effen much!

WHY HER!?

I finally started therapy. And I got really lucky and I love my new therapist, and found her on the first try. However... I've only had one session with her in four weeks. Week two, she was sick. Week three, I went to Colorado. Week four, yesterday, she canceled again because she has a friend in the hospital. I fucking need this woman to help me!

I leave you with this tribute that my son posted online on her birthday, Sept 8. She would have been 32. I couldn't have given a better description of her spirit and her adorable childlike naivete:

My sister, Melody, absolutely loved infomercials. It bordered on irrational. One year I received one of those copper pans for Christmas, and while I was happy to get it, she didn't think I understood the gravity of the gift I had just been given. "Do you know what that is?" she asked me at the time with complete sincerity and genuine concern that I didn't quite comprehend what an incredible technological wonder I had been given. "You can melt candy on that."

She absolutely had the HD glasses. They made your vision amazing. OxyClean, sure. Slap Chop, absolutely. It did not matter what was being sold; every product was solid gold, including when it was literally solid gold.

I know it seems silly to bring this up on what would have been her 32nd birthday today, but I think it says something important about her and who she was. She believed in people. It's not that she necessarily believed the products worked as advertised. It's that she believed in the ideas of making things better that they represented, and she believed that the people making the pitch believed in what they were pitching.

She could fully and wholeheartedly empathize with those complete strangers. So much more then, could she love, empathize with and believe in the people lucky enough to know her personally. She was somehow everyone's friend that they talked to on the side of a party or gathering they were starting to feel uncomfortable or out of place at. She made it seem so easy, which is what makes the next part so cruel.

She also suffered from heroin addiction for over a decade. It is the reason I keep using the god forsaken past tense instead of the present.

I have a lot of very bad memories from all of that time. I cried a lot then. I cry a lot still.

Please, if you know someone that suffers from addiction, don't write them off. This is not to say you should enable their addiction. Just encourage rehab and support groups. There are also support groups for friends and family members of people suffering from addiction. Addiction, whether it is to drugs, money, gambling, work, or any other flavor is a disease, and it desperately needs treatment. You don't have to go it alone, and, take it from someone who tried to, you shouldn't. It'll eat you alive.

In the end, though, don't feel sad for me. If you were fortunate enough to know my sister, you probably got, what, a few years? A decade? I got thirty one whole damn years.

I love you, Melody, and I miss you every god damn day.

[momofaddict]

Reminder to sign and share the petition to remove Dean's (my grandson's father) horrific last posts before committing suicide. Please please help by signing and sharing with all of your friends, families, and social media outlets. Thank you in advance! 💕

http://chng.it/KsDCgP97

Sign the Petition

Protect Dean's children from seeing his disturbing last videos by removing them from FB.

[momofaddict]

To my followers: please sign and share this petition to have Dean's scary pics & vids on the day of his death removed from FB to protect his children from ever seeing them. Thank you:

Sign the Petition

Protect Dean's children from seeing his disturbing last videos by removing them from FB.