m's visual journal

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Lea & Sara this summer

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Denisa in Croatia

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Ornella and me

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self-portrait taken 367 days ago

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“Wir sollten den Moment geniessen, geniessen, wo wir gerade sind, uns nicht nach anderen Leuten, Orten sehnen. Und ich mache alles falsch. Was ist los mit mir? Natürlich finde ich nicht, was ich will, wenn ich es doch selbst nicht weiss. Und doch – eigentlich weiss ich es sehr genau. Ich will fotografieren, Bilder machen, mich in Situationen begeben, die mein Herz erleichtern, die die Last von mir nehmen.” [Tag 14, 10.07.18, Diklo]

/ self-portrait taken on a rooftop im croatia while the sun was setting and i was feeling so lost and didn't know how to fix it.

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"I've got so many preconceptions about myself from the past. I guess we all have, but mine have been standing in my way unquestioned for so long and I'm tired of it. Maybe it started with realising that "I have zero creative talent" was wrong; it fundamentally changed my life. And up till last year I thought I was heterosexual even though things were obviously not adding up, but I never questioned them. And of course you don't have to question everything, but what if something just doesn't feel right? Maybe I am asexual, maybe I'm just carrying the scars from a relationship that was way too early for me, maybe it's something different altogether, I don't know. But I want to figure it out. I have to."

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just outside your reach / film accidents

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i’ve outgrown my skin

(it hurts.)

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"And I guess that’s what I’ve missed desperately last week – showing myself naked. I desire it so much, the need almost hurts. Especially when the opportunity to bare my soul lies in front of me but I don’t have to courage to throw myself into it. Because the other person might not be interested. Or ready. I might be too much, I tend to be. But I’m never going to find it out if I don’t express myself and my cowardice is probably what wears me out at the end. My biggest enemy." [Day 22, 18/07/18, Belgrade]

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let me inside

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summer on your skin

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Kaja

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and i'm feeling so messy all i want to do is to connect connect connect and feel like it's okay to feel the way i do, that it's human, that i'm not alone in this.

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an announcement in czech –i guess– from the tv screen fills the dark room with a dim white glow. we're taking long-exposures on film. naked. experimenting. laughing. who knows how the photos will turn out. maybe the whole effort will be for nothing. it doesn't matter.

afterwards you pour berry-coloured smoothie in two wine glasses and i tell you as much of the messy truth as i can bring myself to before i have to catch my last bus home.

the future is as uncertain as ever but today i'm not afraid.

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i don't want to die alone tell me there's another option for me @manchesterorchestraband

Denisa

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"'Ich bin überrascht, dass du mir deinen Text gezeigt hast. Ich fühle mich nackt, wenn ich jemandem etwas so Persönliches zum Lesen gebe, das eigentlich nicht zum Teilen bestimmt war. Als würde ich mich ausziehen.'

'Ich bin gerne nackt.'

Ich lache. Er hat schliesslich meine Bilder gesehen. 'Ich auch.'

So findet man sich. Und ich höre wieder The National, "Think You Can Wait". Schwermut erfasst mich und ich begrüsse sie. Ich fühle endlich wieder.”

[Tag 21, 17.07.18, Belgrad]

/ me by my friend Denisa