monologues

[monologuedialogue]

I came to see you. And I thought maybe I could crash here for a little while. Just a little while. I don't need my own room or anything. I can just sleep on the couch. It wouldn't be for long. You know what, say no if you want. Why not? Why not? Why not? Well, I'd ask "why not" but it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. That's not why -- Raise me? I'm eighteen! I'm raised. I can vote, I can be drafted. It's a little late to throw me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle birthday party. I don't need a daddy. I just need a place to crash. A month. Just let me stay a month. You have nothing? I have nothing! I have no place to go. I can't stay at Luke's, I can't stay in Stars Hollow. My mother is a wackjob. I mean, you're saying you're this loser and what, you don't wanna take me off this terrific path I'm headed down right now? I'm not graduating high school. I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life, but something's telling me I better find out soon or I'm gonna be that guy out there on the boardwalk selling the hemp hats. Well? Thank you, Jimmy. Fine, we'll see. I totally understand.

Jess, Gilmore Girls: Here Comes The Son (2003)

[monologuedialogue]

It's kind of a bad time, I'm real busy. I'm not avoiding you. What, I can't be busy? No, it's descriptive of my current state. These essays are due back tomorrow, I'm way behind on my reading, so I'm eating my day-old vending machine at my desk in my futile attempt to try and catch up. Wait, wait, wait. Ten feet. That's a safe distance for us, and the more furniture in between, the better.  I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about me. I mean, there are people still walking the halls and this is my workplace and I can't be held responsible for what I do around you. I mean, you are like a - like a - like a mythological creature that casts some kind of spell on me and makes me act stupid. I'm not stupid. I don't act stupid with anyone else. Uh, we're too close again. Well, it's a little bigger than a basketball player. Just keep a really big basketball player between us. There are other complications with this whole thing, you know. Just thought I'd tell you. I was seeing someone in California. There, I said it. That doesn't bother you? Well, I would probably still be seeing Diane if I hadn't moved back here. That's something to think about. Yes. No. Ugh! You know, I thought we were both going to just pretend to ignore the kiss. Wasn't that the deal? You had your shot, okay? You had the ring and you said no. Well, what is this, now, right here? Well, us needs to stay apart. I thought I was over you. I thought it was safe to come back here, but no, not the deal. I just, I think we should stay apart and never see each other ever again.

Max, Gilmore Girls:Keg! Max! (2003)

[monologuedialogue]

You know, it’s funny, me standing here before you right now. I’ve thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here’s the really funny thing – after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] I’m not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. We’re not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard." And the thing that’s really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I’ve worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that I’m not going to Harvard. I can't. I'm not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I'm not going to Harvard! And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard. I’m being punished. I had sex, so now I don’t get to go to Harvard. She’s never had sex. She’ll probably go to Harvard. She’s a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore – you’re going to Harvard!

Paris, Gilmore Girls: The Big One (2003)

[monologuedialogue]

Hi mom, do you have a sec to chat? Super. I just wanted to see how you were, that's all. You are? Oh good, good. I'm glad that you're fine. I, however, am not fine. Actually Mom, no. We can't do this in the morning. We really need to do this right now. No, I'm not drunk. I'm confused. About you. Well, so many things. I mean, for example, why can't you keep a maid in this house? I mean, there must've been a thousand women who've gone through here in the thirty-two years that I've been alive, and not one of them could stick it out. These are women from countries that have dictatorships and civil wars and death squads and all of that they survived, but five minutes working for Emily Gilmore, and people are begging for Castro. And why is it that when your only daughter tells you that she is getting married, you can't muster up even a little enthusiasm? Even a little fake enthusiasm. Why don't you pretend that you care? I mean, this is the biggest thing to happen to me possibly for the rest of my life, and you dismissed it like I said, 'Hey, I'm thinking of getting a Honda, what do you think?' Why don't you care? Why have you never cared? No matter what has happened to me my entire life, you've never been happy for me, and that hurts, Mom, it really hurts! Do you know how it felt for me to tell you that I was getting married and to have you just brush it off like that? Do you know?

Lorelai, Gilmore Girls: Hammers and Veils (2001)

[monologuedialogue]

I know. Look, I didn’t come here to make up, or to try to get you to forgive me, or talk. I wouldn’t even have come here at all but I had a really crappy night and I really, really need a cup of coffee. Just pretend I’m not me. I’m Mimi, a new customer. I’ve never been in here before. I was just walking down the street and I spotted this place. ‘Ooh, hey, nice place.’ And I came in. Now Mimi is going to pour herself a cup of coffee and sit over here way far away from you, and she promises, just as soon as she’s done, she will rinse out her own cup and leave. This is the second time I let myself do this. Think I finally found it. Love, comfort, safety. I mean, first with Max, which of course, I screwed up, and then with Christopher, which of course, all the elements of the universe got together to screw up. I always thought if he could just get it together, grow up – maybe we could do it. Maybe we could really be a family, in the stupid, traditional ‘Dan Quayle, golden retriever, grow old together, wear matching jogging suits’ kind of way. And then he did get it together – he became that guy. . . and he gets to be that guy with her. Chris is gonna have a baby with his girlfriend. He’s gonna marry her. . .and he’s gonna be there for her while she’s pregnant and he’s gonna be there with her while her child grows up, and he’s gonna be there for her while she does. . . whatever it is she does. And I am in exactly the same place that I was in before. No, it’s not so bad. I’m lucky, I know. I just. . .I feel like I’m never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it – the whole package. How do you know? How do you know?

Lorelai, Gilmore Girls: Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days (2002)

[monologuedialogue]

Is that coke? I’d heard coke was in again. Is it okay to mix coke and Zoloft? I haven’t done this in like fifteen years. Since college or since a couple years out. This is very unlike me. I actually hate coke. I hate it politically and I hate how it makes me feel. But when it’s done I may have to kill one of you out of sheer frustration. I read an article – aren’t you guys all just fucking on the internet. But some? Are you kids really different from me? I mean, do the movies on the iPods and facility with MySpace pages make you guys really different? Every article I read seems to be saying that. You’re mean. The thing is about you kids is that you’re all kind of insensitive. I’m glad I grew up when I did. Your parents were too good at parenting. All that Baby Mozart and Dan Zanes songs. You’re so sincere and interested in things. (surveying the group) Would it kill you to use a coaster? There’s a confidence in you guys that’s horrifying. You’re all ADD and carpal tunnel – you wouldn’t know agoraphobia if it bit you in the ass. And it makes you mean. You say things to someone like me who is older and smarter with this blithe air. I’m freaked out by you kids. I hope I die before I end up meeting one of you in a job interview…

Roger, Greenberg (2010)

[monologuedialogue]

I always felt bad about that night after we played the Viper Room and you were there with your sister and I wanted to go to that party and you were tired and I let you go home and -- You were with your sister. I should have been straight with you. You know, I originally got into music to meet girls and I think when we started playing around LA and I was getting some attention -- But I wasn’t clear with you and I want to apologize for how I behaved. I kind of just let it end, left town, and was uncommunicative and I feel like I didn’t even give you a reason -- Uh huh. Well, I’m sorry. You had bought a new mattress that afternoon. You didn’t like the Sealy, you thought it was too mushy... We used to make that 1-800 Mattress joke, the extra S for extra sex...We could’ve gotten married and...had kids...I don’t know, it was a big relationship for me. Mhm, I'm a carpenter. Yeah, you know, I was always good at making things so...Beth, I made you that bed! Don’t you remember? It was why we were buying the mattress to begin with. I work out of a studio in Bushwick I share with a few other carpenters and...that’s been pretty good. It’s political, though. Um, what else? Recently, I had this thing where I couldn’t move my legs. Literally. You know, but it was psychological. Yeah, so that took some time dealing with and I think that brings us up to date. Yeah...I think I just needed to let go, you know. I had a shrink there who said you only missed by five percent. I’m not positive what it means, but in most things ninety-five is pretty good.

Roger, Greenberg (2010)

[monologuedialogue]

You want a puff? I know, man. I know. But you drink. What’s that? Okay, man. Okay. Isn’t this weird? It’s so weird. How amazing is it that there really are palm trees in LA? (pause) So, how’d it go? And...You’re shitting me! Oh, god, man. Don’t give in. I know it’s the harder, more painful decision to stay free, but that's what adulthood is. I mean, I could just stay with Florence because it’s easy, but I don’t want easy. We weren’t dating exactly. You’re shouting at me, man. It’s not going away... It’s transforming. You’re going through something. Which means...you’ll get somewhere. We never would have survived at a major label with those restrictions -- Because that’s not how the world works! Listen, man, I think you’re playing out some old family dynamic here. Apropos of what we were saying before about what people say about us -- people feel you hold onto petty resentments and -- No, you should know. People think you play the victim. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but you let people feel sorry for you when it just protects your narcissism -- Well, that’s why I didn’t want to be in a band with you! Because you won’t acknowledge any of your shit. You were fucked up all the time and -- What do you want me to say?! I didn’t know it was going to be our only offer. I didn’t know I had the power to blow it. I thought we were all just giving our two cents. I didn’t know the band would fall apart because of me. I just thought, 'Fuck ‘em!' Maybe, obviously I’d do it differently now...Of course I know what it’s like to live a life I didn’t plan on. What do you think I’m doing right now?

Roger, Greenberg (2010)

[monologuedialogue]

Florence, I don’t know if you peed yet or you’re going to get this message tonight but I gave Mahler two of his pills but then he ate pizza and one he’s supposed to take on an empty stomach, and -- I don’t know what to do. I know so little about basic shit. I can’t even swim in the pool. My brother’s in Vietnam and I can’t swim in the fucking pool! We have the same parents, I can’t blame that. There was something else I wanted to tell you. You, know, I’m sorry I can be...whatever it is I can be. It’s half my fault and half the atmosphere. That’s a Leonard Cohen lyric. You should cover that song. You sing great. You should go on YouTube and all that stuff you guys do. Just do it. You go girl. I can’t believe they closed Tower Records. How did that happen? What was it I wanted to say -- (a knock on the door) Occupied! I don’t understand what happened to me...You remember Charlie Sheen standing on his balcony in Wall Street saying 'who am I?' Did you see that movie? Philip and I used to make so much fun of it. I’m thinking now it wasn’t so stupid. I like you. I’m never going to be one of those people who remembers people’s birthdays or gives a shit about their friends’ kids. I mean, you and Ivan seem to get pleasure from that shit. I could never get pleasure from that. Oh, this is a good song. Someone once said to me, “Hurt people hurt people.” It’s kind of trite, but it stayed with me... (remembering) Was that... that was you like a few days ago. I used to have a good memory too... Anyway, we do. I do. Hurt people. Hurt... (pause)...people. I think Ivan and I broke up. I wish I could remember what it was I wanted to tell you. I told you I liked you, it wasn’t that, Mahler ate pizza, Mahler drank beer...Maybe there wasn’t anything. Love, Roger.

Roger, Greenberg (2010)

[monologuedialogue]

Are you okay, man? Is that pot, where’d you get that? No, man, you know I quit that. But I shouldn’t be drinking. I think...we might give it another try. Please don’t make this hard for me. You’ve been dating Florence for a month, I’ve been married for ten years with a child. Don’t tell me what adulthood is. That’s my point!It’s been a really hard time for me, Roger. I mean... I miss my family. I feel like...all the work I’ve done over the years, you know, kicking the drugs, being a dad. I feel like it’s all going away. I don’t think you understand what it’s been like for me out here. How my...how the kind of life I had hoped for... It is huge to finally embrace the life you never planned on. I wanted to make that record. How the fuck do you know? What could you possibly know about how the world works?! You’ve never entered the world. You know, the people I hang out with, we say, 'Oh, I’ll lend you that graphic novel,' we mean it. We do it. You don’t know how to do that. This is a small thing and I know it’s probably boring for you, but you know it would’ve been nice if you’d made an effort to know Vic. My son.Florence told me you were in a hospital. You know, I understand that kind of stuff. We could have talked about it. Maybe made each other feel better. And instead we don’t talk about anything good...

Ivan, Greenberg (2010)

[monologuedialogue]

Come on, I’m sure people must trash me when I’m not around. Can I ask... What do people say about me? Like...negative things I wouldn’t know. Okay, but what criticisms do they have? Yes. Really? That’s incredible. I’m the funniest person I know. Really? Who says... Who are these people? That’s just totally insane. If anything I’d say I’m too honest. Don’t you think? I’m pretty up front with... No effort? I’m making my brother’s family a dog-house. You know, I brought my tool belt from New York, I had to check my bag because of that. I always do carry-on. Look at my hands, I have callouses. Does Beller say this? That’s funny. Completely wrong, but funny.

Roger, Greenberg (2011)

[monologuedialogue]

Jan, why won't you marry me? Well, That's absurd. I'm young, rich, healthy. I'm good-looking, I'm very good-looking. I've got everything. Oh, that's what it is. Oooh, Jan, please don't hold that against me. Those other marriages were just a revolt against my mother. I'm trying to work it out, I'm trying to find out why I dislike her so. I've been talking to a psychologist for two years now. And it's perfectly healthy, my analyst dislikes her as much as I do, and he's from Vienna! This time it'll be different, Jan, we'll go to Mexico. It'll be like starting from scratch, I've never been married in Mexico. How do you know? Love isn't an opinion, it's a chemical reaction. We've never even kissed.

Jonathan, Pillow Talk (1959)

[monologuedialogue]

I spoke to Jan this morning and it's obvious she no longer cares. She ran out of that restaurant like a maniac, but I guess later, she realised she didn't give a shit. What, why? Leave it alone, I like my posters. Don't cap on my supermodels. Look who's talking, Mr Jerry Lee Lewis. Hey, I don't judge. If she can cut her own food, she's fair game, right? Look. The supermodel's a beautiful girl, Will. She can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking jack and coke all morning. She can make you feel high for the greatest commodity known to man - promise, the promise of a better day, the promise of a greater hope, the promise of a new tomorrow. This particular ore can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl - in her smile, in her soul, in the way she makes every rotten thing about life seem OK. The supermodels, Willie? That's all they are - bottled promise. Scenes from a new day, hope in stiletto heels. A beautiful girl's all-powerful and that is as good as love. That's as good as love.

Paul, Beautiful Girls (1996)

[monologuedialogue]

I'm done speaking to both of you, OK? You're both fucking insane. You know what your problem is? MTV, Playboy, and Madison fucking Avenue. Yes. Let me explain something to you. Girls with big tits have big asses. Girls with little tits have little asses. That's how it goes.God doesn't fuck around. He's fair. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits and the skinnies little, tiny niddlers. It's not my rule. If you don't like it, call him. Oh, guys, look what we have here. Look. Your favourite. Oh, you like that? Nice? Well, it doesn't exist. Look at the hair. It's long, flowing - like a river. Well, it's a fucking weave, OK? And the tits. Please! I could hang my overcoat on them. Tits, by design, were invented to be suckled by babies. Yes, they're purely functional. These are silicone city. And look - my favourite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being so unruly and all. This is a mockery, a sham. This is bullshit. Implants, collagen, plastic, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush shaved...These are not real women. They're beauty freaks. They make us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered boobs, our cellulite, feel somehow inadequate. Well, I don't buy it. But if you think there's a chance you could get one of these women, you don't give us real women any commitment - it's pathetic. What do you think you'll do? You'll end up drooling in some nursing home, then you'll decide that it's time to settle down, have kids?! You gonna find a cheerleader? Oh, eat me! Look at Paul - models on the wall, dog named Elle MacPherson. He's insane! He's obsessed. You're all obsessed. If you had an ounce of self Girls-esteem, of self Girls-worth, of self Girls-confidence, you would realise that as trite as it may sound, beauty is truly skin deep. And if you did hook a model, I guarantee you'd be sick of her. Get over yourself. No matter how perfect the nipple, how supple the thigh, unless there's some other shit going on besides the physical, it's going to get old, OK? And you guys have got to get a grip, otherwise the future of the human race is in jeopardy.

Gina, Beautiful Girls (1996)

[monologuedialogue]

You know, three people have killed themselves from this building between New Year's and today: Sue Chalmott, housewife and manic depressive; David Frommet, banker who lost everything; and...Ben Peterson. He was only fifteen. I kept to the pact, Martin, okay? This, me -- it's none of your business now. That's the thing. Martin, I -- I didn't lie to you. I don't know. That makes my reason better than any of yours. See, all Jess needs is to feel important. Maureen, she needs to feel...loved. And you, you just...you just need to grow a brain. See you can solve your problems, but me? I can't. Just -- Martin, Martin, stop. Martin just stop walking. Three steps and I'm gone. Just...oh, God. Look. I'm just -- I'm just tired of being scared all the time and not knowing why. I'm tired of being...trying, trying to change, and not knowing how. You know, leaving my latest shit band, moving countries. Because however much I do change, I'm left with me. God don't you get it? I mean, we made it, all right? We all made it to Valentine's Day and nothing -- okay? Nothing! Absolutely nothing has changed! What? You can't even see the bottom.

J.J., A Long Way Down (2014)

[monologuedialogue]

Maureen just called me up on the hotel phone, surprised to have her own bathroom. She thinks this place is the height of luxury. Cheapest place I've stayed in for 20 years. It doesn't feel strange does it? Us...being away together? I thought I knew what I was doing with the press. And then, no no no, then I realized I got it all wrong. I thought people would like it, I thought we'd make money and people would find it eccentric and heartwarming. Four people survive suicide, find hope, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, you know. I mean, it's the kind of good-news story the press love. However...I underestimated how much they hate me. You know, I envy you. You, your cancer, I mean it's so cut and dry. No really, really, J.J. I am so impressed with you. I mean you hardly let it faze you. And that is something to drink to -- here you go, to your health. Do you know what I feel when I wake up in the mornings? Humiliated. Do you know what I feel at lunchtime? Humiliated. My life is a constant stream of humiliation. I don't feel sad and I don't feel angry, I just feel...humiliated. Yeah. To humiliation.

Martin, A Long Way Down (2014)

[monologuedialogue]

When I was your age, I stood in a courtroom in front of a bunch of strangers and told them all the ways he abused me...what he hit me with, how he got drunk, how he forced me to take a shower with him, got me pregnant, and I sent him to prison. I didn’t talk about it, didn’t think about it...until I met you...I don’t know...I have a baby inside me and I don’t know, I don't know what I’m doing. I was just trying to help you.

Grace, Short Term 12 (2013)