To My Beautiful Baby Girl and All The New Moms Who Need It
This is a diary, journal, log, whatever you want to call it for you to look back on one day and read. I hope to keep it as updated as possible since I haven't been so good at with the baby book and keeping track of your pictures :x I try but it seems like time seems to slip through my fingers quicker and quicker when it comes to you.
I hope you can look back and see how much I love you. I'm so new at this mother thing and I want everything to be perfect, but it is a learning process. I was so scared and stressed during my pregnancy and when you first came into my life. I loved you from the second I knew you existed but none of it processed until around the 3rd month of having you. Don't get me wrong, I was excited but so many changes happened in such a short period of time that it just took awhile to adjust. Plus I really haven't had many people to talk to. I mean your father is a bit rash when it comes to sharing feelings and I'm still young myself so not many of my friends are in the same boat to compare situations. However, each day I fall more in love with you and am learning to adjust to my new role as a stay at home mother. I think I am starting to find myself as well and your the only one here every second to see that process (even if you don't know what is going on yet), so that makes you my best friend as well.
I didn't write you a letter or do a video before you were born because I really wasn't sure how to express myself. Not because it is negative but at first I was scared and I still am! I mean we have nurturing instincts as women but taking care of this little being who depends on you to survive when you can barely take care of yourself takes a toll. I just graduated college in a field that is very demanding and spent a lot of time and energy to get through it. I never REALLY saw myself as the family oriented one, even though I always knew I wanted children young. I guess that is why I chose fashion because I wanted to throw myself into my work, travel, make a lot of money, move away... But that all changed and not even on accident! You were 100% planned, we completely wanted you, and then all of a sudden there you were :] Most people it seems to take years but with you a few months after discussing it and trying you were on your way. What seems ironic was how was planned to have you but had no plan past that. It's ok we are making it work. I graduated the summer I found out and your father started his job as a corrections officer. We had no choice but to move into my Godmothers house that she was renting out and moved in a month before you were born. We are not married and who knows if that day will come but we love each other regardless of how much we fight! Rather than put my degree to use I am now a stay at home mom. This scared me for the longest time and it still does because I'm not use to a budget. Over the past couple months seeing you grow up so fast I don't think I ever want to leave your side. I'm glad I can be here for every little move you make because I don't want to miss a single second. Even as you sleep now I have to peek in on you every few minutes just to make sure you are ok and watch you. You are honestly the most adorable little thing when you sleep. I love it though because you love me unconditionally right now and I hope that never changes. I hope we can stay close forever. I didn't have that kind of relationship with my mother. We stopped getting along as far back as I can remember and we still don't have much of a relationship. She worships the ground you lay on (and will eventually walk on) but we are not friends and I so desperately hope I can change that for you and I. My vow is to listen to you, talk to you as an equal, be there for you, and never judge you. I don't need to be the cool mom, but I want to be the mom you can always come to and feel comfortable doing that. I want us to gossip, and have girl days/vacations/nights, I want us to be open, and I want to be the woman you are proud to call your mother and miss when you are away or I am gone. I have A LOT to work on so I hope you are patient with me because I'm aware I will make tons of mistakes as you grow up. I'm still growing up too. But I promise to learn from every mistake and always have your best interest at heart. I may go back to work one of these days but only because I want you to have an example of how to function as an independent woman. Although I have your father I can make it without him as well. I want you to be spoiled (but not spoiled rotten). I want you have to an amazing childhood away from electronics the way I did. This will probably sound old and rediculis when you read it because everything is viral these days but nothing compares to the days when I was young and playing tag outside with friends until the sun went down. I loved hiking with my dad and pup, or visiting Florida. I want us to have the money to do vacations and explore new things and places. I want you to have every opportunity in the world so that you can find your place in it. There is so much negative so I want you to become that person who can turn it something beautiful. Right now we don't have that kind of money but it can wait because you are still learning to roll over so we have some time before you remember any of it :p.
So here is the beginning to your beautiful life (even though it started 4 almost 5 months ago). Hopefully I can keep up with you and this. I also hope that this can help all those new moms out there. No matter who you are or what your circumstance is, a child changes EVERYTHING. So I hope you can grow, learn, and feel like you always have someone on your side. If nothing else just something to keep you busy!
As a new mom I never do my hair, my fashion sense has become sweatpants because I fit in NOTHING, and I usually smell of my daughters formula (cheese-its, because she needs hypoallergenic). Between the puppy, Zoey (same age as my daughter, about), and my child I’m lucky to shower, eat, and not smell gross. My sex drive is zero and lower because my boyfriend works until 11 pm and doesn’t get home till around 1 am. Since I’m usually getting up around 6 am I have no energy for that! We fight A LOT right now and I mean A LOT. I think I may have gone a bit crazy but what do you expect I never stayed at home before! I always worked full time and went to school full time. If I was home I was studying or I was out with my friends partying. Cleaning, attempting to cook, and taking care of two little ones is a whole new world. I went from a size 0, to gaining 150 lbs. (while pregnant, to being a size 4 (still hoping to lose about 15-20 lbs. but who has time for that!!?). My boyfriend’s family is a bit much (you learn to love the other family fast and quick regardless of what a pain in the ass they are). My own family is even a bit much to the point I usually just choose to be alone and then I kind of hate that decision. I sleep a ton, when the baby is napping of course, and I try to scoot a few more hours in there in the morning, maybe swaddle her back up or let her play in the crib for a few seconds before she starts screaming. I am by no means a morning person so it will most likely always be an adjustment. I drink a bit more than I did but not in the sense I am smashed every day I just need at least a glass of wine to unwind once my daughter and the puppy are asleep and my boyfriend is at work. Some of my friends I completely gave up on and though I miss the times we had I do not miss them. If they can’t adjust to your lifestyle you have dirty diapers to change so forget that nonsense. Plus I’d much rather have friends that can relate and share advice rather than let me down and seclude because my lifestyle is different now. I have kept a few old ones and I am so grateful for them. They love my family and my daughter like their own and in turn I love them like family regardless of how long we don’t talk or see each other. I hope to make new friends, probably moms, but anyone who helps me grow up and figure life out is a winner at this point. But yes I am completely looking for mom friends and am so thrilled some of my friends are becoming moms so my daughter can have play dates and I can learn a thing or two (or a billion things). I am constantly stressed and freaking out. I think it is cabin fever due to not leaving the house much since my daughter was born and it has actually been a decently snowy winter. But I am also a perfectionist who wants only the best for her daughter and to make sure she is happy and healthy. Sometimes it all becomes a little much and I feel so lost and helpless. Maybe it is postpartum, just normal mom feelings, or the fact that I’m a Capricorn so I stress about everything. I plan on changing that. I plan on changing a lot and I hope to record it all hear. I want to be a happy, strong, loving individual but I’m not there yet. I want to find hobbies and find what I am really good at, and passionate about. I realized once I became a stay at home mom that I have NO IDEA who I am. I have no idea what I like to do outside of work. I am very insecure and I am very closed off to myself so now is my time to learn. I adore my life right now but I need to better it for myself and everyone else around me. Some of you moms may know exactly what I am talking about and some may say this bitch is off her rocker. I hope either way, a helpful hint or a laugh at the crazy bitch, this contributes. I am no where near the person I was before I found out I was pregnant and I am o.k with that. Now comes the tricky part of find out who exactly I am. So please if you are on here to start problems or dump on people just hit X now. This is meant to be positive for my daughter, myself, and anyone else who needs it.
dededos
dailybridgerton
janainaart
jacobvanloon
izzy806
kianamaiart