⚠️SXF CHAPTER 136 SPOILERS⚠️
oops spilled too much angst on it!

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⚠️SXF CHAPTER 136 SPOILERS⚠️
oops spilled too much angst on it!
i need to stop starting art pieces and hour before I'm supposed to go to bed because I always end up rushing it (and I was supposed to be in bed 40 minutes ago)
MORE SPY x FAMILY MANGA SPOILERS!!
I don’t get the Loid hate lately. For always thinking about the mission and prioritizing the mission. Thus he’s a heartless jerk?
For starters, he’s fucking Twilight. He’s been this way for over 10 years and he’s been on his own for over 20. This way of thinking is drilled into his very being and it’s going to take a lot of re-wiring to undo the way his brain works.
We can’t forget, to Twilight, a threat to his mission is a threat to the whole world. Twilight compromised = war. An imperfect Twilight means the people he now cares about will be in danger.
And we’re not always in his head. We don’t know his thoughts when he’s alone, when he can’t sleep, where the threads of his thoughts go. But anyway, he doesn’t just think about the mission. That’s so clearly a red-herring imo.
But beyond that…
You guys, this is INSANE.
Yuri is right. His actions convey how he really feels, who/what he’s really thinking about, and who/what he’s actually prioritizing. His actions, his instincts, are not a lie. They CANNOT lie. It’s so obvious, even Yuri can see it. It’s so obvious, it’s painful. It’s so obvious, it’s making him physically ill.
And here he is, apparently questioning Yor again. But he’s not, he’s questioning himself. His actions, his feelings. He’s the one who is different. He’s the one who jeopardized the mission by stepping in front of Yor when someone pointed a gun at her. He was so panicked Yor was going to learn the truth, he fucking tranqed her at a pizza party surrounded by the SSS. His actions aren’t lining up with how he should be acting. And Yor is the cause. Not for who she is or what she’s done, but how she makes him feel and what she makes him do. She’s still throwing him off balance, thus threatening not only the mission, but every thing he once thought he knew about himself. How he thinks, what he does, and what his priorities are.
Anya has just as much of a wildcard personality as Yor does. But he never questions if Anya is helping or hurting the mission the way he does with Yor. Because it’s not just about Yor. It’s about him. It’s about what he feels for Yor. To him, his feelings for Anya are probably just as scary, but at least they’re understandable. Yor does stuff like this and it sends him reeling. And then he starts those ponderings about the mission again.
If he were “perfect”, the mission would actually be the only thing on his mind. He wouldn’t be doing stupid shit like risking his life for his wife or drugging her just to leave a party. But he isn’t “perfect,” he’s so far off the deep end at this point he looks like this right now.
Speaking of toxic work environments, I was thinking lately that it's funny that while Twilight was away on the cruise, Sylvia told Nightfall she didn't want her to get burnt out by taking on too much work. I think Handler has a favourite because wdym you don't want to "grind her down with overwork" but you've got twilight doing missions on top of missions? 😭
I think its funny that Wilker sees Yuri as cute and Handler thinks Nightfall is cute. They've both got a favourite child
[Video description: A TikTok by @neontigertattoo. Gentle guitar music plays over all speech, muting it. A tattooist is filmed tattooing a bald heavily tattooed pierced person with a beard on their scalp. The bald person says "This hurts... Do you have any numbing cream?". The tattooist replies "No, I don't have any numbing cream... But I have something else!". The tattoist then softly kisses the bald person on the head, who smiles widely in response. The video pans out, showing the legs of the bald person on the tattoo bed laying on their front and kicking their legs giddily as the tattooist continues. End description.]
sillies under the cut
Would lowkey be a fun twist if Endo actually had Twilight go to the hospital in the next chapter. Ohoho you thought that was funny emphasis? Nope! He is actually dying
There's still time for this one to become reality
Back in my mp100 phase even though I basically never left it
It’s actually so special to me that he said “go home” instead of just “leave”. He also didn’t call it “Loid’s home” as he has in some previous chapters!
Spy x Family Chapter 136: The Core Fear
Let me talk to you about something I learned recently. People with a mental health condition like anxiety disorder or OCD are not truly afraid of what they think. For example, a person afraid of heights or the dark or germs is not truly afraid of those things. On the outside, fear manifests every time they are exposed to that trigger but in reality, they are afraid of something else, a core fear, buried deep inside.
That's exactly what's going on with Twilight. Let's dig deeper and find out his core fear.
These last chapters, Twilight has been completely out of control. Obviously, being surrounded by SSS agents was a huge trigger for him, BUT I think the possibility of Yor telling Captain Curtis about their previous interrogation was even a bigger trigger. Why? Because that would make a member of the SSS suspicious of everyone close to Yor, which in turn opens the possibility of losing his family. That was the real trigger.
If you read chapter 134, Twilight was actually holding up well under the circumstances. Although the SSS was interrogating him, he remained composed. However, the moment he remembered he had disguised himself as Yuri’s captain to interrogate Yor, he completely lost his nerve. Just look at his face—the man was utterly terrified.
After that, he totally lost it and began to act recklessly. We see Twilight ruminate in a constant state of panic and come up with countless scenarios as well as crazy ideas that would put him at risk such as:
Using force to keep Yor away from Captain Curtis. In Twilight's mind, that Captain is more dangerous than the Director of the SSS.
2. Drugging his wife with a tranquilizer gun IN FRONT OF COUNTLESS SSS AGENTS! Seriously? What was he thinking? If it was any other person and under any other circumstances he would know that was too risky.
3. Starting a fire. No comment on that.
Do you see what I mean? He was not only risking the mission, he was risking his life. That's exactly what triggers do; they make people act recklessly; all to avoid getting into the situation that they fear the most, which brings us back to...
Twilight's Core Fear
Do you want to guess? Let's analyze some of Twilight's fears:
Being caught by the SSS. Nope, it's not being caught by the SSS, nor being killed in action. He had risked his life plenty of times and he knows that could happen to him. It's part of his job.
People discovering his identity. That's not it either. If he gets discovered, he knows he can run away.
War between East and West. Warmer, but that's not it. This, however, is what Twilight tells himself. He thinks this is his biggest fear, but it's deeper than that. We're getting close.
I'll give you a clue:
This was the worst moment of his life. A traumatic event so big he can't even remember it. It was a moment of total despair, vulnerability, and most of all, fear.
When Twilight says he became a spy so no child has to cry, he is sincere about that. However, what he really means is tied up to his core fear: Twilight is afraid of losing everything and finding himself in a situation of total despair, vulnerability, and fear again.
So yes, he'll do everything and risk anything to avoid going back to that. He thinks that if he prevents a conflict between Westalis and Ostania, this will never happen to him again.
And, if we add something to the mix, we can get something even more specific:
If we combine that deep fear with his upbringing, it's easier to see why he has that need for control.
What does his core fear has to do with Yor?
She's the antidote. Their relationship is part of his healing. Yor represents safety and that's exactly what a person like Twilight needs. When you see it like that, it makes total sense that he would risk everything to keep his only safety.
Look at him being vulnerable. He can only do this with Yor:
Do you see it? Yor is the only person he trusts 🥹
And I think he's starting to realize that too:
This small panel is very telling! He KNOWS he's relying on her. And he WANTS to rely on her. And probably he feels ashamed of that need because for many years he has relied on no one but himself.
His struggle with vulnerability is what drives the story forward. I've written about this before here. Slowly but surely, Agent Twilight is starting to crumble but also he's begining to heal.
Chapter 136 panel
They dgf I'm crying
Some Chapter 136 thoughts...
(Spoilers, obviously)
Hospital time!!
I love the dichotomy of this chapter so much. Yor is so aware of the areas she needs to work on to become more emotionally mature and she's so determined to get there.
Enough with the alcohol! Just put your arm around him. You'll get used to it eventually.
It may be foolish, but I'm still holding out hope that we'll see her bridal carry him someday.
Meanwhile Loid is doing the exact opposite. We've reached the point where YURI is doing better than him.
Fucking YURI
Bro is cracking and running low on scotch tape.
beautiful weather we're having today