the time weβve had apart is how i know that i love you. and knowing that i love you is what made me pull away the way i did. i know we can both relate in not wanting to like each other from the very beginning. it was so childish in hindsight. my mom always says you make plans & god laughs. and thatβs so true because what happened between us was more than what i bargained for. and nothing short of some of the best times in my life.
you being there for me the day [redacted so i canβt get sued or anything like that], the way you took care of me and literally held me up when my grandma was in the hospital, that first time we went to Waffle House together after that party and i realized i liked you, meeting up to sit in the car at the park and talking about our dreams, going with you to cecil to look at the planes and shit, just all of our little moments.
you came into my life and turned my world upside down in the best way. you made me view myself as more than just a girl. you helped me to accept and fall in love with the beautiful woman i am becoming.
that being said, the lack of reciprocity when i asked, it immediately broke my heart. that conversation was crushing to me. looking back, and even in the moment i was so proud of myself for how i handled it. bc while i felt terrible on the inside, i kept my cool. the old me would broke down, i wouldβve begged, pleaded even. though i was proud of myself i realize now turning cold on you the way i did almost wasnβt fair. donβt get me wrong i stand behind it but at the same time i wish i had more compassion and understanding for you like you have always given me.
i can not lie, pain was driving me to act the way i was. seeing you be so sad after the fact confused me. it felt like you were trying to make me the bad guy for setting a boundary. so when you started to do nice things when weβd hang out with our friends, just the way you approached me, it all threw me off. partially because of a lot of what you started doing, youβd never done for me before while we were dating (or whatever youβd like to call it. thatβs another thing but i wonβt beat a dead horse).
some of what you had said stuck with me too. like when you asked βwhen was the last time we went on a real dateβ. i donβt know man, in the end i was left feeling so stupid for being open. it felt like i gave myself to someone who didnβt value me. i felt like i imagined that we were falling in love. the timing didnβt help either.
as time has gone by i realized some changes i needed to make, so i guess it wasnβt time wasted after all.
the night of [redacted] reminded me of how i love you. it forced me to confront how much i miss you. up until that point i was ignoring it to protect my heart. but in βprotectingβ my heart i fear i may have lost the sweetest love iβve ever felt.
things werenβt ideal but i love how we always tried to meet in the middle no matter what. i love how looking into your eyes grounds me. how you protect & look out for me. i love that i can learn from you & that you arenβt afraid to admit that youβve learned something from me. youβre gentle with me when youβre right & you arenβt afraid to be wrong. iβm afraid to give my heart to you because it feels like you are my one. and i donβt know that i could take having you break my heart, but even with that knowledge iβm still willing to take the chance
