Sirius fucked up. He fucked up big time, and he knew it. He knew that after this, there was no turning back- he’d ruined his life, and Remus’s, out of a selfish, impulsive act.
He’s been called selfish before, but he never believed it, because how could he be selfish if he cares so much about the people around him? But oh, he really was. All those times he had listened to his mother yelling in his face- that, maybe, if he wasn’t such a selfish child she’d be better towards him, that maybe, if he realized she had feelings too, he wouldn’t be a disgrace, that maybe, if he stopped putting his wants before hers, she wouldn’t be disgusted any time she looked at him- he never believed it. Because how could it be true, if it was coming from one of the people who knew him least? How could it be true, if it came from the person who cared about him least?
But was it the same, when instead, it came from the person who knew him most- who loved him most? Yes, he always disregarded the “you’re so selfish” comment. Until he couldn’t.
When Remus said it to him, he had no choice but to agree. Getting caught in the heat of the moment, and saying something destructive- without thinking- was undoubtedly the most selfish thing anyone could ever do. He would swear to himself, and to others, that he wasn’t like his mother, like his family. But how true was that, if his impulse, his instinct, was to say something to ruin the life of all parties involved? And simply because Snape was pulling on his nerves? It wasn’t just selfish, no. It was cowardly, disgusting, disgraceful. There was no point in denying it- he always sort of knew, deep down, that he didn’t belong in Gryffindor, that he was evil at heart, and maybe yes, it was just an echo of his mother’s frustrating letters in his mind when he thought this, but this action confirmed it.
There was no going back. He had done something so horrible, so dark, so Black, that it just wasn’t logical to deny it- Sirius was selfish.
He was so selfish, in fact, that he wished he could fix the consequences that came with his actions. He wished he could speed up the healing process for Remus, that he would speak to him again. He couldn’t bare to see Remus in the hallways, deliberately ignoring eye-contact, getting annoyed any time Sirius came around. He wished that Remus wasn’t so fucking stubborn, and that he would finally give in and interact with Sirius again, because it’s been so long since they’ve spoken, and how could the moon ever go so long without seeing the stars? The universe would collapse, balance in our solar system would be ruined, and life as we know it destroyed. It was unnatural- the stars needed their moon back.
He wondered, if maybe, under the hatred that Remus undoubtedly had for him (and who could blame him, honestly), there was some longing. Sirius wondered if Remus, too, sat up looking at the moon and the stars, thinking about life before, and questioning if either of them took the initiative to talk again, would it be the same? Would the night sky be beautiful again, or would it still cause pain to look up at it?
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