moose tracks

Tw: ed- pro recovery | You are loved | Block, don’t report | 19 | 5'4 | sw: 151 | gw: 110✅ | cw:95.2

[moosetracksdilemma]

Intro post 👀

Hi and welcome! My name is Ally and I'm 19.

I am slowly inching my way out of ed hell, so some posts may be triggering. I want to focus on discovering who I am after losing a lot of passions and goals because of the ed. I'm not fully in recovery, but I am working to gain my period and sanity back. Until then, I'm learning healthier coping mechanisms.

Please click off or block me if this isn't helpful for your journey!

I like music, drawing, driving random places, time in nature, and quality time with friends!

I am in college for biology but may be pursuing reproductive endocrinology (fertility/hormones). I like science in general but feel too stupid for the medical field 😗

[moosetracksdilemma]

Making the decision to delete Tumblr and actually try and recover. Idk what I'm doing- this is terrifying. Wish me luck!

Love you guys!! I still have email notifs so if you message me I might see it!

[bonnieventure]

weirdly enchanted by this

[moosetracksdilemma]

Chester died last night. I had a dream that he came and said bye. Then I felt little tingles on my arms and face like he was swimming around on me. It was more like a joyous "hello" than a sad goodbye.

So obviously I was in denial, but when I went to check on him this morning he was black and shriveled at the bottom of the tank. Rip Chester the sea monkey :(

[verbosenerv0sa]

I really need to vent about this and I can't be the only one who's noticed this lately.

We used to be mostly an ED community. And by community I mean our general social circle of moots. We all had EDs. I imagine a lot of us still do but nobody talks about it anymore. I know it was because of the term-pocalypse, it's not for no reason, but it's still just so frustrating because we were ALL here for ONE thing and that got taken from us. We are all here for community and understanding and advice for the one thing we had in common, that brought us together in the first place, and now we're silenced.

I love you guys, I love our circle, I love the other things we share, but this has become something completely different which is NOT what I or any of us signed up for. At this rate I feel like I may as well not even be here because I'm freaking drowning and I can't even post about it anymore, and nobody else does either. All I can do is look at the pink text girlbloggy B.S. and pray that my brain and body will just shut up and let me work.

I'm a real person. I am not just words on the glowing rectangle you're staring at. I am not Konata Izumi, or Migi, or a royal antelope in a santa hat, or Cloud Strife. I am barely even Verbose Nervosa anymore because this sh*t stole my Nervosa. I can be as Verbose as I want, but in all the words I might use, so few of them are what I really need to say.

I am a real person, I'm made of skin and bones and unfortunately fat, and a bunch of other stuff, none of which is pixels or code. When I put my phone down and pull myself out of my head, who am I? I'm a creative writer, I'm a baker, I'm a lot of things but I'm not normal. I'm living in a body full of complications that have thoroughly stopped me from doing what normal people think of as the bare minimum of a life. I have no life because of my stupid dysfunctional body and somewhere along the way, some part of me decided I could make a "perfect body", which would function normally, if I just made it look perfect. Skinny = Perfect, Perfect = Able-Bodied. Simple, right? Logically I know this probably isn't accurate, but I've never actually lost enough weight to prove it won't work. In fact, at my lowest weight I was the happiest, most productive, most energetic and healthy-feeling person I'd ever been. I had made it to mostly perfect, and my life was mostly perfect. That wasn't long after I'd joined edblr. The same edblr that is now gone. I had an ed all alone for a few years and I can hardly imagine going back to that anymore, but it looks like I have to, because it's basically that or change my orange out for pink, download five hundred gifs of Ariana Grande, and prepare to get t-d every three days. I don't think I have it in me for that.

[moosetracksdilemma]

This. So much has changed. Everyone wants tips on how to lose weight. Nobody wants to admit the horrid side effects and mental issues that come with it. And if we do, we get punished.

[moosetracksdilemma]

Guys I think Chester (my sea monkey) is dying :(

[moosetracksdilemma]

This girl I know wanted to do check ins with me since she also has an ed but shes triggering me so much. No I dont want to tell you what I ate. I dont want to hear you talk about how bad you are for being " unhealthy". For me recovery means distance from food and not thinking about it all the time, not a relationship with 3 check ins a day based on food because her ed is emotion based. Ugh.

[rott1ingbonep1le]

Someone tell my why every time I have a maintenance cals day I wake up so hungry I feel nauseous but when I fast or restrict it’s like. Fine.

[moosetracksdilemma]

SAME WHAT THE HECK

[moosetracksdilemma]

I know you have to pay taxes at the end of the year on things you get for free if you have an amazon vine account, but it would be such a dream to review products. Book reviews, cleaning or organizational things, idk about clothes.. But just little gadgets and whatnot. I could totally get my cousins toys that wouldn’t give them brain rot. Try out lotions or perfumes that I normally wouldn’t buy because I have my comfort scents. Get things for my teachers like expo markers since the schools don’t pay for them.

My only drawback is that it’s so wasteful if you don’t like it. I just decluttered and don’t need more stuff lying around. To keep the vine account I think you have to buy multiple things every month off a specific list. I only go on amazon every few months when I really want something that isn’t available locally or in my size.

[moosetracksdilemma]

My brother is back on his gym bro crap so I have someone to geek out over macros with

This is also incredibly triggering bc today my sister (who has ana but only really eats socially, doesnt track cals) was pouring syrup on her pancakes and he was like "thats like 300 calories right there"

[moosetracksdilemma]

He freaks out over a 5 cal difference in sugar free maple syrup but then ate my Mom's leftovers which was 500+ cals ???

[moosetracksdilemma]

My brother is back on his gym bro crap so I have someone to geek out over macros with

This is also incredibly triggering bc today my sister (who has ana but only really eats socially, doesnt track cals) was pouring syrup on her pancakes and he was like "thats like 300 calories right there"

[moosetracksdilemma]

Celebrating my Mom's bday tomorrow and the lowest cal thing on the menu is 550 cals 😭 I know its a huge omelette because Ive got one before, so I could have 1/3 and be fine. Or I can order eggs and fruit but I'm trying to look as non disordered as possible for her

[moosetracksdilemma]

I've been so locked in the past 2 days but its made me awfully mean to people. I've been having a rough time engaging w my parents or looking them in the eyes

[rott1ingbonep1le]

One of the Worst annoying anorexia side effect is turning into a lizard. I have dry skin and I lowkey need a heat lamp because I can’t regulate my temperature. And I only eat like fruit and eggs so close enough

[moosetracksdilemma]

There's a bumper sticker in front of me with a skeleton hand that says "recover loudly to keep another from dying quietly"

[moosetracksdilemma]

People always invalidate me when I talk about binging because I have Ana. “You couldn’t possibly binge when you don’t eat anything” 🙄

I grew up binging. I feel so much shame because growing up my Mom would blame my brother or Dad for batches of cookies or even half of our dinner disappearing overnight, but really it was just me. I feel disgusting now that she’s noticing how much food is being consumed now that I’m eating again. I just want to be small. I’m terrified of being like my obese Dad. I don’t want to gain any weight. I want to recover but not look like I did before. I need control and discipline. I know I’m not fat by any means, but I still want to look sick so that people respect or pity me. Either one is better than people looking at me with disgust..

Sure I have weeks where I have perfect control and no appetite/taste aversions, but other weeks I’m ravenous and I work around it. I overexercise, I purge, I omad to make myself look “normal” when I eat in public. People go “oh but a hungry body will binge 🥺” ???? NO. I was binging when I was overweight and almost obese. How do you think I got to that point?? I do not want to wear my emotional baggage. I do not want to go through the binge-restrict cycle again. I did not work so hard and suffer this long just so I could gain it all back.

[moosetracksdilemma]

I just cried for like an hour straight so I’m sleeping sitting up to prevent water weight in my face. I hope that tomorrow I can just zone out all day at work and then make it home and sleep. I hate food being the reason I wake up and I hate avoiding it all day long. I hate that I have nothing more valuable in my life than my goal to stay within a certain weight range. It makes me feel like such a hollow person. I hate the sheer rage I get when I haven’t eaten all day and I hate lying to people. I just hate food and what it does to me. I hate that I can do so good all day and then ruin everything with an omad to prove to my parents that I ‘eat’.