Every Thought, A Thought of You

My whole life is a mission to live for Christ and to spread the message of his love and grace, and to show his glory to others. Though some of the things you'll find in my blog are totally random, I hope that Christ shines through this and uses me to touch the lives of those who read it.

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

It Had to be You.

March 12, 2012

Sitting here in my apartment, a million things are going through my mind. "This is really happening. I'm really getting married."

A few weeks ago, I got engaged. Getting engaged is pretty exciting, but getting engaged to your best friend and man of your dreams is just amazing. Even as I look at this beautiful ring on my finger, it's surreal. Six months ago, I didn't even know Justin. He was just an attractive guy who was going to my church. 

As the planning has already begun, I've caught myself getting overwhelmed. As much as I would like to say that I don't ever stress out, and that I always go to Christ for peace and give him all my worries, that isn't usually the case. I tend to get anxious easily. Like I said, the planning has already started, therefore, so has my anxiety. But, the thing is, this shouldn't be a troublesome time. This should be a time of joy and excitement. A time of extreme humility. How is it possible that an undeserving, sinful, rebellious, person like me gets not only the greatest gift ever in Christ, but now gets the gift of marrying a truly wonderful, Christ following, God glorifying man like Justin?

I am so ridiculously undeserving. Day after day I turn my back and dishonor God, and he continues to lavish his grace on me. I can't even explain the gratitude that is in my heart. The joy of knowing Christ is just magnified by getting to worship him alongside Justin. 

I don't want to take away from this precious gift by becoming anxious and fearful for the next three months or by turning into some kind of Bridezilla. I want to pray and approach all the planning with humility. I want to have a beautiful wedding, but not an elaborate event that is beautiful in the world's eyes. I want my wedding to honor God. I want my attitude to honor God. I want my planning to honor God. If I am trying to please myself, or even just please others, it isn't worth it. I NEED to glorify God. Truthfully, if I try to glorify myself, Justin, our relationship, or anything else but Christ, everything will be a disaster. 

I never knew it was possible to be so terrified and so joyous at the same time. I know I have absolutely no reason to be scared. So what if I don't think I'm fully prepared to be a wife? God has been, is currently, and will continue to prepare me. He has given me so much. How can I think for a second that he is just going to stop taking care of me? He NEVER stops taking care of me. Not for a moment. I just pray that God would not let me take my eyes off of him during this time. The moment I stop looking at Christ, the moment I will fall into the ocean and start to drown. 

I am so extremely excited to begin this journey with Justin. Getting to go along side him, spreading the Gospel, and advancing the Kingdom in whatever way God calls us to, is such an awesome thought. Our marriage won't be about us finding fulfillment in each other, but about glorifying God and demonstrating Christ's self-sacrificing love to each other, and to those around us. We get the gift of getting just a small taste of the love, oneness, and community of  the Trinity. I just pray that as I continue to plan and prepare for the ceremony, that I would be able to keep this in mind. 

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Dancing in the Minefields

Note: This a post I wrote a few weeks after I got engaged; not sure why I didn't post it at the time, but here it is now. 

The last two weeks of my life have been intense, in many ways. Emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually, I have felt drained, exhausted, and a bit overwhelmed at times. Though that may not exactly sound great, these last two weeks have also been amazingly blessed, wonderful, and exciting. 

On February 24, my best friend asked me to marry him. Although I was honestly taken by surprise, nonetheless, I was absolutely ecstatic and eagerly agreed to become his wife. Justin and I have pursuing our relationship for right at six months now, and though that may not seem long to most people, it's all the time we needed to grow in love and for Christ to show us that marriage was the right path for us. 

Of course, immediately after our engagement, we began discussing dates for our wedding. Pretty quickly, we decided summer would be best, and June seemed like  our best option. A few more days, and the date was set. June 9, 2012. That is the day that I will be officially married to Mr. Justin Lee Smith, and let me tell you, I cannot wait! I am tremendously happy and excited for that day. But it seems as though people have been questioning our decision to get married so soon, as well as my decision to get married so young. I've heard everything from "Are you going to be able to finish school?" to "Are you pregnant or something?" to "Why would you want to get married? Have you heard the current divorce rate?", etc. Honestly, with the way this culture, (secular and most church culture unfortunately) views marriage, I can understand why people would view us as crazy, or at best, just a little unwise. The thing is though, by His grace, God has given me a beautiful understanding of marriage and the gift that it truly is. Yes, I believe that marriage is a gift. Not a prison, entrapment, job, thing to be dreaded, or simply a piece of paper that you sign. Biblically, marriage is a covenant between one man and one woman, and God. In this covenant of marriage, the woman gets the privilege of representing Christ's Bride, the Church, while the man gets the honor of representing the Head of the Church, Christ himself. In our marriage, Justin and I will get the opportunity to live out the Gospel to each other every single day, and in turn, show the Gospel to others around us. What an extraordinary gift! Not only do we get the chance to show self-sacrificing love and devotion, we also get to experience oneness, intimacy, and community with each other, that will reflect just a glimpse of the Oneness of the Trinity. In our marriage, Justin and I get to glorify God, worship him, experience him, and learn about him in ways that we wouldn't be able on our own. We will get to pursue ministry together, advance the Kingdom together, and spread the Gospel together. 

So does having this mindset about marriage mean that our relationship will be perfect? Heck no! We are both wretchedly sinful, and our marriage will I'm sure be painfully difficult at times. It will never be "easy". But with Christ as our hope, our center, our Savior, it will be glorious, and we will be able, by his grace and mercy alone, to get through the toughest times imaginable.

My hope in posting in this is not that you would get to the end and think highly of me, of Justin, or of our relationship. My hope is that you would come to the end of this and think highly of Jesus Christ. That you could see how far his amazing grace has brought two sinners, and how far it continues to bring us each day. 

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Well Tumblr family, 

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

:D

Real post with all the details to come later this week!

Soli deo gloria! 

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Pray for me, y'all. (Por favor)

Tomorrow afternoon I will be giving a presentation at our church Bible study on sexuality outside of marriage under the New Covenant. I've been researching all week and still have a good bit of prep to do tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous honestly. This whole thing has made me think a lot about my past sexual sin, and I think it might be hard for me to not get emotional when I start talking tomorrow, even though I won't be talking about myself at all. Also, it doesn't help that with all my boyfriend and I's talking about marriage lately I've been a little distracted and feeling a bit more tempted than usual, so that doesn't exactly help that I have to talk about sexuality for an hour (and my boyfriend will be there). Anyway, I know it will be fine as long as I am doing it all to God's glory and I present his truth. I'd definitely appreciate your prayers though. And hopefully early next week I will get to post an outline of my presentation on here so I can share my findings with y'all!

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Hebrews 3:12-13

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Let’s not be afraid to ask God to do “whatever it takes” to bring him the greatest glory and us the deepest joy. Let’s really “press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14). Let’s want the Prize!

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Oh, to see my name Written in the wounds, For through Your suffering I am free. Death is crushed to death; Life is mine to live, Won through Your selfless love. This, the pow'r of the cross: Son of God—slain for us. What a love! What a cost! We stand forgiven at the cross.

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This made my entire afternoon. 

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Wow. This is absolutely hilarious/awesome. 

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Pretty excited to start reading this.

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Love is helping people toward the greatest beauty and the highest value and the deepest satisfaction and the most lasting joy and the biggest reward and the most wonderful friendship and the most overwhelming worship — love is helping people toward God.”

John Piper

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Some people would say 'It seems like you lean more towards Calvinism...' Well, I'd say I'm more of a Five-Point Spurgeonist.... 

-Paul Washer, in his speech at MC on Thursday night

Bahaha. Too funny. This was just one of things he said last night that made me respect him even more. 

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

It Had to be You.

This really has been a crazy week. I feel like I've learned so much this week that I haven't learned anything at all. Like my brain has just been overwhelmed with so much knowledge I haven't been able to process it all. 

I've been learning a lot about the Trinity this week. I've realized a lot of the time my thinking about God the Holy Spirit is really off. I want to learn more about him and think rightly about the Trinity (as much as my tiny mind can comprehend, anyway). 

I've also been learning a bit more about marriage. I ordered Tim Keller's new book "The Meaning of Marriage", which will be here Monday, so hopefully I'll get started in it next week.

A couple I used to babysit for is in China right now, adopting two children, Wen and Adaline; I've been seeing their pictures and keeping up with them on Facebook while they're there. After reading "Kisses From Katie", and watching this couple go through this process, I've been thinking a lot about orphans. I've always had a heart for children, and thought that I'd like to adopt one day. But this week I've kind of been thinking that I might want to work in an orphanage. I mean ultimately, I want to be out on the foreign mission field, but that doesn't mean that working at an orphanage can't be part of that. I just love taking care of kids, and I know that at most orphanages, especially in other countries, kids don't get very good care. I'd love to work in one and love on those kids; I'd love to be able to show them Christ's love. It's just something I've been thinking about. And actually, my major would equip me to do that. It's just something I need to be praying about. 

Another thing this week has been talking about a ministry that my boyfriend is wanting to get started at our church. He wants to go to inner-city housing developments and evangelize. He has this whole idea for a mission project, and he wants to get a team together and go this summer. He's told me a good bit about it, and it seems like a really great thing. I'm really excited to see how it progresses. 

Also, I got to go hear Paul Washer speak last night. It was really awesome. He came and talked to the group of guys that were sitting on the row in front of me before he got started, and I got to hear him give them some advice about missions and just about life in general. Then he preached about the doctrine of regeneration and how it is basically a lost doctrine in most churches, especially in the south. It was just interesting that he talked a lot about the church, because tonight I went to Secret Church and the topic was "The Body of Christ". It was great. Six hours of pretty intense Bible study lead by David Platt. Definitely a great way to spend a Friday night.

It's just weird, because I feel like this has been one of the longest and  most strenuous weeks I've had in a long time, but at the same time, I've think I've been blessed by and exposed to a ridiculously huge amount of truth and knowledge this week as well. I just can't get over all the different things Christ is teaching me right now. And yet I can't help but feel like I really don't know anything at all when I think about all things I've yet to learn, and how little I truly understand about the things I do know. Maybe that's a good place to be in though. 

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

The Gospel and Its Evidence

So, I'm taking a spontaneous road trip with some friends to Mississippi College tonight to hear Paul Washer speak on "The Gospel and Its Evidence". So stinkin' excited! :D

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Sorry...

for blowing up everyone's dash today. Seems like every time I write a new post, I find old ones I never published and go ahead and publish them. :P

Just saying, multitasking is kinda difficult. Reading Exodus, Revelation, Doctrine by Driscoll, Disciple by Bill Clem, plus numerous blogs, usually every day. Not to mention watching sermons here and there. It gets overwhelming a bit; brain feels like it's on overload. But I like it. 

Aaaaaand, one more thing. The doctrine of the Trinity is really amazing, but it definitely is adding to that whole brain overload thing. I've realized my lack of knowledge about The Holy Spirit is pretty concerning. He is definitely going to be my next topic of deep study. 

So many things I want to learn....and I have to go read about babies for two hours. Can I just quit undergrad and go to seminary now? 

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Your One and Only.

Today has been one of those days that I've had marriage on the brain. Actually, it all started last week when a friend and I had a talk about marriage. She and I talked about what we think marriage is, but mostly about what we think it isn't. We looked at the Scriptures concerning marriage, and got some input from others. I can't speak for her, but afterwards, I ended up realizing that I didn't really have a clear understanding of what it is at all. I know what people have told me about it, but I'm not sure I've ever really thought through it myself. As a girl, I think I idealize marriage. I think I forget that it is more than playing house, getting someone to cuddle with whenever I want, getting to have lots of sex (yes, girls think that way too) and having someone who loves me be there for me all the time. I know in my mind that marriage is not ultimately about any of those things. But sometimes my sinful heart likes to make me pine for a husband for reasons like those. But the more I learn about marriage, about what it really is and what it is really for, the more I realize that I am not ready for it right now.

I watched a Driscoll sermon on men and marriage earlier, and he said that women have fears about marriage, fears that are legitimate. I thought about that as he was describing the fears they have, and I realized that I indeed had those fears. I have been in an abusive relationship before. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back at the way he treated me, I have no doubt he was abusive. He manipulated me, took advantage of my body, and was verbally and emotionally abusive. Although it's taken some time to realize it, I still carry fears from that relationship. I think most of the anxiety I feel about the relationship I'm in now stems from things that happened in my previous one. Why am I scared to be completely open and tell Justin when I am upset or angry with him? Probably because in the past when I did that, arguing, occasionally verbal abuse, and a cycle of me blaming everything on myself ensued. Somehow every fight we had ended with me blaming myself; with me trying to understand what I did wrong and how I could do better. Why do feel unloved when Justin doesn't try to put his hands all over me, or even on me at all? Because physical affection was the only kind of love I knew in that other relationship. I have a hard time separating someone truly caring about me from someone trying to have sex with me. I've always understood in my mind that sex doesn't equal love, but until very recently, I never believed it. Finally, a man is now showing me that he can care about me without touching me. I'm sure I carry more baggage than that, but those are two things I notice the most.

The thing is, I think I am also finally starting to realize that as a Daughter of the King, I never, ever want to be in an abusive relationship again. I want a real man. I absolutely refuse to marry some guy who isn't going to love me the way Christ loves his Church. I'm tired of thinking that I deserve less than that. I'm tired of ANY of my sisters in Christ believing they deserve less than that either. I want a man who is going to love my Savior, love me, and love our children. I want a man who is going to lead me and my family spiritually; a man who is going to pray with me and for me; who is going to pray with our children and for our children. I want a man who is going to read the Word with me and teach it to our kids. I want a man who will honor me in every way. I want a man who is faithful, who is going to be the head of family; a man who I want to respect and submit to because he is worthy of that. That is the kind of man I want to marry. I don't want to allow myself to settle for less because of some nice feelings I get in the pit of my stomach. Now, I know that no man is perfect. All men are sinful and have their shortcomings. I know that. I am not expecting perfection, or anything close to it. But I do expect him to be a MAN. A man of God.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man right now. I care about him deeply and so far he has shown an amazing zeal and love for Christ. But I can't just decide that I am going to marry him because I like him a lot. It's not to say that I don't want to marry him, just that I guess I shouldn't be so swift to say "this is it, he is absolutely the one", like I have been thinking. I mean, this will be a man I trust with the rest of my life. A man who I will become "one" with. How could I have ever taken that so lightly? I'm just thankful that by the grace of God I am not taking it lightly now.

I pray that us women would stop flirting with some idealized version of marriage and would strive to learn about it and understand it for what it really is. I pray that we would not settle for little boys who claim to love Jesus, but that we would wait to be pursued by true men of Christ. I also pray that my brothers in Christ would rise up and actually BE these men. I pray that we would all pursue these things not for ourselves, but the glory of God alone. 

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Sweetly Broken.

Found this saved in my drafts from a few months ago. It's amazing to really be able to see how Christ works in your own life. 

I really am thankful for the things Christ is showing me right now. More and more, I am learning to be patient, to trust, to be still and know that he is God, and that he really is enough. I am learning to care more and more for his people, near and far. I am learning to cling to him, to literally cry out to him, and to count everything as joy, even especially the hard things. I am learning to preach the Gospel to myself more and more, and dwell on lies from the enemy less and less. And more than anything, I think, I am learning that his glorious grace truly never stops, not even for a second. Without his grace, I wouldn't be learning anything.

That being said, this is something that has been in my head all day: 

Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

(Luke 12:48 ESV)

Christ isn't teaching me all these thing just for my own benefit. He is showing me all of it for HIS glory. He has given me so much. What am I doing with it? What am I going to do with it? He has given me this amazing privilege of being His child. The privilege of advancing the Kingdom. How can I sit back and not do anything when I know that? It breaks my heart to think of all the time I've wasted; but I know that moving forward is the only thing to do now. 

[morethanaconquerer-blog]

Indecision 2011.

This is what I wrote on November 29th, after my boyfriend and I had another big relationship talk. Basically, he told me that he didn't think he could see himself getting married anytime in the next 3-5 years, and that because of that, he didn't think our relationship could progress much more than what it is right now over that time. He kind of gave me an ultimatum: Keep going with this courtship process, the way that things are right now, for the next several years, until he feels he's ready for marriage OR decide to just stop this process and be friends. These were my thoughts when I got home after that conversation:

I really don't feel like writing at the moment. But I know that if I don't do it tonight, I probably won't do it at all. And let's face it, it needs to be done.

For what seems like truly the first time in my life, I have to make a major decision. I have to actually figure out what I want. I can't let someone else tell me what to do. I can't base my decision off of what other people say. I just have to decide. It's not that I'm going into this with no counsel, or without prayer. I will definitely have and will do both. But I guess the thing is that there is no right or wrong answer. It's purely up to me to say, "Yes, I want this." or "No, thank you, though." 

I feel like I can't say no to this. Despite how hard I know it will be, I don't think Christ put this opportunity in front of me for nothing. Whether I end up with a husband or a just a friend at the end of this, I don't think it's something I should give up on. I want this. I care about Justin. I'm just scared that I can't do it. I'm scared that I can't do this for 3 to 5 to maybe more years. I'm scared that either way this goes he will move away and go to seminary soon, and I will be crushed. I'm scared that I'll keep being this selfish and frustrated little girl instead of the faithful, patient, and trusting woman I'm called to be. I'm scared that people will get to me. I'm scared that everyone will try to discourage this. I'm scared that I'll listen to them. But as scared as I am of those things and more, I'm almost more terrified not to do this. If I don't continue, I'm scared I will lose his friendship. More so than that, I'm afraid of the thought of going back to dating the normal way. I'm scared that once I'm "back on the market" I'll be back to having flings and doing whatever with whoever. I'm scared that this opportunity to do things this way maybe truly be once in a lifetime. The thought of living that old life scares me more than getting hurt. Not doing this, not taking this chance, not trying to do this for God's glory to shine through to others.... That terrifies me. With great power comes great responsibility... How can I just squander this chance because of fear? Fear of man, fear of pain, fear of commitment... I have no reason to fear, right? Because ultimately, God is sovereign. And if it turns out I take this chance, and it was the wrong way to go, it's not like I've thwarted God's plan.

I want to do this. I want to pursue this relationship, even though I know it might be one of the most challenging things I've ever pursued. But nothing that is ever worth it in the end comes easy, right? I want to do this for Christ's sake, for his glory. I want to do this to be an example; a light for what true companionship and love looks like in a world of darkness. I want to do this, because I want to learn to trust Christ through it. Trust that though I am not able to be patient, kind, or loving, JESUS is completely able to be those things in me. I want to do this because I really do care about Justin. Even after just three months, he's become one of my most treasured friends. 

I am going to pray and think through this for a few days. But right now, my feeling is that I want to continue in this relationship with him, the way things are going.

Honestly, it's times like these I'm so thankful that I write my thoughts out, even when I don't feel like it. Just going back and reading this makes me remember how beautiful an opportunity I've been given, and how much I really want to glorify God through it.