Morlocks/מורלוקס

Trauma survivor in my 20s. he/him pronouns ONLY, polyfragmented, Jewish, my abuse made me angry and bitter not cute

[morlocksystem]

Intro

Hey we're the Morlocks, but you can just call me Oliver or #1

No official DNI since nobody I want in my DNI is going to listen to them anyway.

All of my alters will go by fake names or numbers on this account to protect their identity.

I'm an organized abuse (not ramcoa not oea) survivor. Knowing that does not make you obligated to know my actual trauma story. You do not get to guess my trauma.

Fuck antisemitism, all my homies hate antisemitism. If you spread antisemitic rhetoric you will be blocked on sight. I am Jewish.

Not your typical survivor.

DMs and asks open. This is a sideblog so I will not follow back.

I use the block button for fun. If you have no reading comprehension you will be blocked.

All kindness is appreciated and if you show kindness towards me I will do my best to show it back.

[morlocksystem]

Final update on the whole thing: my doctor noticed the movements and asked about them before i could bring anything up. Described them as tics and is referring me to a neurologist.

[morlocksystem]

My after appointment chart states that i have been diagnosed with a tic disorder. It's unspecified right now but I'm sure that'll change once i talk to a psychiatrist, neurologist, and do more tracking. I'm also going to do follow up visits with her in two months to see how it's going.

[morlocksystem]

Final update on the whole thing: my doctor noticed the movements and asked about them before i could bring anything up. Described them as tics and is referring me to a neurologist.

[morlocksystem]

I'm talking to a doctor on Monday and one thing I'm going to bring up is that my adderall might be causing me to tic, which means I'm staying on my adderall through the weekend since I usually go off and then it's not that bad on Monday and just gets worse until Friday where it's preventing me from talking for too long. I have a feeling this weekend, and Monday, are going to fucking suck cause my jaw just hurts like all hell. I'm starting to think that if this is a tic thing then I might have some other tics, all of which also cause pain the more I do it (but this is a thing without adderall, then again so is the jaw thing, just nearly as bad or intrusive). One of them (and this has been a long time issue, not just an adderall issue) prevents me from being able to sleep sometimes and whenever it gets worse it gets so much fucking worse. At this point I am hoping it's psychological cause I haven't really had a doctor say it's a physical issue and actually have been told by my old PT to stop doing it cause it's causing permanent damage to my joints (to which I kinda responding with "I would if I could" cause like said, it's annoying and hurts, but also it hurts if I don't do it, just in a different way). I'm finally seeing a psychiatrist in a couple weeks for the first time in a while, and I'll bring it up to them too. I've been kinda assuming tbh that it's just stims and I've been doing them voluntarily cause I can mask it somewhat sometimes, though that kinda goes all out the window on Fridays cause I'm basically covering my mouth all day and it's very clearly more than just yawning cause of how often I do it.

- G

[morlocksystem]

Strange question but can you think your tics are something you do voluntarily?

[morlocksystem]

I mean I guess I don't necessarily think about it before doing it but idk it's such an every day occurance for me that I consider more of an annoyance than anything. The one that kinda caused this to now be looked into is related to opening my mouth a lot (cannot explain because idk the right words to describe it) and I've just learned to cover my mouth with my hand and disguise it as yawning. Also apparrently this only became noticible when I started taking my adderral daily. I was doing it a little before hand but I've been told not nearly as much or as obvious. It's not something I really think about doing but I've been also doing it since I was 16 ish so I've never thought anything super strange of it. The first time a doctor brought up it potentially being tics was when it was centered on my wrists but like that has been a long time issue. Ig it might be the source of a lot of my wrist pain cause I've noticed on days my wrists especially hurt I'm doing that a lot.

[morlocksystem]

Strange question but can you think your tics are something you do voluntarily?

[synthbug]

I see an animol I name it

[parabins]

tumblr isn’t considered a social media because everyone on here is just talking to themselves

[splattergutz]

i feel like i’m cursed forever but other than that i’m doing alright

[morlocksystem]

Hate my life. I have to pay up to a $600 vet bill on Saturday cause I had to get an emergency appointment for my dog. Don't have that kind of money at all but I'll find a way to make it work. I'm gonna ask my mom for help paying

[morlocksystem]

Hate my life. I have to pay up to a $600 vet bill on Saturday cause I had to get an emergency appointment for my dog. Don't have that kind of money at all but I'll find a way to make it work. I'm gonna ask my mom for help paying

[morlocksystem]

Imagine being so immature that you're willing to act condescending about someone while you know they're in earshot.

[morlocksystem]

Also yesterday someone at the school who just got honoured for working there 15 years, and raised her children in the school from toddlers through high school, suddenly left. And the rumour is that she was fired. Cause it was so sudden and apparently she was at a school event on Saturday and everything was okay. But yeah we can fire someone like that, who has been working at the school longer than almost the entirety of the staff, but not get shit together enough to make someone do their job when they explicitly said they refuse to. Like... you can't just refuse to do your job... that's not how this works. It's okay every other school in the area is aware of my schools reputation when it comes to sudden firing. Cannot wait for the head of school to finally leave. She is so drama filled and nobody seems to like her. And so yeah there's just this whole thing about how people randomly get fired, but somehow the teacher I replaced, who didn't show up for a month and a half with almost no word, didn't get fired? Like wtf

[morlocksystem]

Work drama is insane. Why is teacher drama so similar to student drama

[morlocksystem]

But like someone with 15 years working there can get fired (no confirmation but that's what everyone thinks happened) but someone who only worked for two a half months and showed up maybe 60% of the time, everyone said was horrible at her job, and then randomly without explanation stopped showing up completely, and when she quit she told the parents before she told admin, and she never told her lead, all of them had to find out via me cause my mom gets the class emails since it's my brothers class, doesn't get fired??? Make it make sense.

[morlocksystem]

Imagine being so immature that you're willing to act condescending about someone while you know they're in earshot.

[morlocksystem]

Also yesterday someone at the school who just got honoured for working there 15 years, and raised her children in the school from toddlers through high school, suddenly left. And the rumour is that she was fired. Cause it was so sudden and apparently she was at a school event on Saturday and everything was okay. But yeah we can fire someone like that, who has been working at the school longer than almost the entirety of the staff, but not get shit together enough to make someone do their job when they explicitly said they refuse to. Like... you can't just refuse to do your job... that's not how this works. It's okay every other school in the area is aware of my schools reputation when it comes to sudden firing. Cannot wait for the head of school to finally leave. She is so drama filled and nobody seems to like her. And so yeah there's just this whole thing about how people randomly get fired, but somehow the teacher I replaced, who didn't show up for a month and a half with almost no word, didn't get fired? Like wtf

[morlocksystem]

Work drama is insane. Why is teacher drama so similar to student drama

[morlocksystem]

Imagine being so immature that you're willing to act condescending about someone while you know they're in earshot.

[morlocksystem]

Also yesterday someone at the school who just got honoured for working there 15 years, and raised her children in the school from toddlers through high school, suddenly left. And the rumour is that she was fired. Cause it was so sudden and apparently she was at a school event on Saturday and everything was okay. But yeah we can fire someone like that, who has been working at the school longer than almost the entirety of the staff, but not get shit together enough to make someone do their job when they explicitly said they refuse to. Like... you can't just refuse to do your job... that's not how this works. It's okay every other school in the area is aware of my schools reputation when it comes to sudden firing. Cannot wait for the head of school to finally leave. She is so drama filled and nobody seems to like her. And so yeah there's just this whole thing about how people randomly get fired, but somehow the teacher I replaced, who didn't show up for a month and a half with almost no word, didn't get fired? Like wtf

[morlocksystem]

Imagine being so immature that you're willing to act condescending about someone while you know they're in earshot.

[morlocksystem]

Working with 1st through 3rd graders really puts my life into perspective sometimes. Something will happen and I'll feel a certain way about it and then pause and go "this is something I had to deal with with my third graders" and process in that moment that I am acting like a third grader.

[morlocksystem]

Every time I fight with a friend I think of these two 3rd grade girls who for some reason are best friends and it's the most toxic friendship I've ever seen, I do not understand why they want to be friends, they genuinely make each other seem crazy. Almost every time it reminds me of some situation I had with these girls in the past week and I have to process that none of us are handling it like adults. We're acting like 3rd graders. It's put a lot of my friendships and arguments I have with people into perspective and makes me try to find a more mature solution, or even just using the one I had these two girls do.

[morlocksystem]

i also made the mistake of trying to exaggerate to the people who did it or were close to the people who did it - big mistake

I bet. I get the anger and frustration and wanting to punch back but it's only detrimental in the long run. Unfortunately with abuse you sometimes just can't stand up for yourself against the person or prove your side to those close to them.