[moss-thoughts]

This sideblog is a sort of braindump journal, I guess? Some random thoughts, some random rants I need to get out of my system, etc.

[moss-thoughts]

E va bene cosí, ho fatto quello che potevo

Ho fatto quello che potevo.

[moss-thoughts]

What the fuck did i just do

[moss-thoughts]

Well fuck me it went... Well?

Are you telling me i could have just sent a text over in these months and it wouldnt have been a big deal?

It would have been to me tho.

[moss-thoughts]

What the fuck did i just do

[moss-thoughts]

I refuse to make myself smaller for someone else's comfort.

[moss-thoughts]

One year has passed and i still don't know what i feel nor what I want. And not knowing and just started not being a problem until it was the only problem and now I am lost in a limbo worse than before. I am torn between the acceptance of not knowing and a potential regret that lingers in my stomach. I still don't know what I want, and I know the choices I made one year ago were the only one the person I was at the time could have made, and yet I don't like where things are at. I don't know what I want, but I know I have lost something and that hurts.

[moss-thoughts]

It could have been me, but still not sure that's what i wanted. I feel some regret but i don't know what i am regretting. I still don't know myself and maybe I just wish that would have been okay.

[moss-thoughts]

Finally officially came out as nonbinary to my best friend over text and she was so nice about it, super supportive, and i felt so good. I haven't opened up like this in a long time and it felt so good.

[isuggestforcefem]

It is kinda fucked how being ace or aro pretty much automatically means you’re isolated, even from your queer peers.

[isuggestforcefem]

To be clear (and this isn’t an indictment of any of yall), I wasn’t talking about « bigotry » or « infighting ».

I meant more to talk about how when you’re aro, there’s this whole side of relationships, those that are lauded as the « most powerful bonds » that you don’t have access to. You’re effectively barred from getting to close to people you know? How must it feel, to know yourself secondary in all relationships? If all you can have are friends, how do you cope with the expectation that all those friends could leave you to live with a partner?

And when you’re ace, especially when otherwise queer (like, being transfem), you have to reckon with the fact that no matter what, there’s a facet of socializing that you can’t access. This goes into relationships too, of course. What do you do with partners that expect some degree of sexual reciprocation? What do you do, when flirting, playing with desire, is so common in your community? Do you just accept you’ll be isolated from your peers in a tangible way? Is that even something you can accept?

I can’t claim these are the worst things the world does, nor to have solutions. But, when connecting with people, and doing so deeply and fully is predicated on relating with them, sexually or romantically, and you can’t do that. What do you do?

And worse, can you even speak up about it? What if you do, and your friends see it, and they think, in their kindness, I shouldn’t interact with this person sexually/romantically. What do you do if talking about it gets you isolated, by people who are trying to be kind?

[isuggestforcefem]

Stars. I’m holding all of your hands. We’re not alone. We have each other

[feralplantwife]

Yeah. I watch people around me move on to marriage and houses and kids and joint bank accounts or whatever else, and it's not FOMO exactly because I don't want or feel interest in those things, but it's like I'm being left behind.

I get invited fewer places because all of my friends are couples. They do couples things now. I don't have a partner to share my burdens with, to help me manage all the labor that comes with just being alive, or keep me company.

All my friends and old classmates and acquaintances are all planning these big, shared lives, and I'm wondering how I'm ever going to make it. It doesn't matter how many friends and ace/aro person has, or how close they are with their family, or any of those other things. Sometimes, it's still Just Me.

I'm watching through the window at a type of warmth I don't even want, but don't have anything to replace it with.

[moss-thoughts]

I feel a sense of longing and yearning but i cannot understand for what

[cowboyhatesithere]

Daily gratitude

I don’t have kids

I don’t spend money on nicotine

I don’t gamble my money away on sports

I’m not reliant on a chat bot for all my life functions

My books/CDs/DVDs collection is plentiful

[vexheart]

[moss-thoughts]

From i dont want to fucking deal with other people's break ups but apparently i have to:

Why the fuck are you mad at your ex for being on a dating app after breaking up one week ago since you are also on said dating up and shouldnt be. You are dealing with being broken up after seven fucking years and the first thing you do is go on a dating app??? What the fuck

[moss-thoughts]

They are currently re-airing a stand up series from the 2000s and 2010s and jesus christ most stuff is so bad. Some aged bad. Some was bad a the time. This stuff was airing when i was a kid and so much stuff went over my head, but now that i am an adult yikes.

[moss-thoughts]

Once again forced to hear part of this reairing thing. So far in the past 5 minutes we have had random mysoginy, trasphobia as a pumchline and now we are here with the most gender essentialist bullshit thing jesus christ how is this funny

[moss-thoughts]

Aaaand i made a hole in the shirt as i tried to take a tag off

[awareness-and-healing]

.💗.

.

[moss-thoughts]

If it wasnt for me being an HSP with SPS and some half unresolved trauma i would have enough confidence to kill god with my bare hands.