Letting The Bipolar Win

But only on the internet

[mossandspikes]

Did you know that mood stabilizers are a good thing actually?

[mossandspikes]

One thing about me is if you fuck up bad enough I’ll cut you off, no emotion.

My best friends of over a decade, and essentially my only friends, decided they didn’t want to be friends anymore literally overnight. And I saw what they said to my wife. And I feel fucking nothing. Bye bitch.

[mossandspikes]

The mood stabilizers (first time I’ve been on them ever and I’m 30 - late diagnosis club woo) seem to have kicked in cuz I started my vacation and I wasn’t manic. The starts of vacations are usually huge triggers for me and I managed it well. Especially breaks during the Spring and Summer those are hard.

I’m almost a little worried for Summer break because I’m used to being manic during those times. What if I’m not? What will Summer be like now? I mean, I didn’t know I was manic I thought I was living my best life.

[mossandspikes]

Feeling pretty down and hopeless today. Too disabled to function properly, not disabled enough to get disability. Because I’m “already doing it” or whatever.

Idk. Just feeling exhausted. And its only Monday.

[mossandspikes]

Fuck all this “you aren’t your disability” shit. It’s giving “I don’t see color”

[mossandspikes]

Being late diagnosed is such a shitty thing though. I heard a person on tiktok (who is himself in the late diagnosed camp and is also a registered nurse) talk about how pretty much every late diagnosed Autistic person has CPTSD and it’s so true.

But then add onto that the Bipolar? Yeah, I’m pretty much fucked. It sucks because if I’d had any adults in my life who could actually help me as a kid I could have avoided so much trauma. I might have never had an eating disorder. I might have not struggled with school as hard as I did. I might have learned social skills so that I could have good relationships. I might never have been in an abusive relationship in and off from Freshman to the end of Junior year of high school. I wouldn’t have had to champ mania and psychosis while still getting straight As. So much could have been different.

But instead I’m just a ruined 30 year old.

[mossandspikes]

I work at a high school and today we got our second swatting call of the year leading us to go into a lockdown and this time I was alone with the kids. And I couldn’t leave the building til we let out cuz we were on security lockdown. People getting searched and stuff. Everyone had to stay put.

But now I’m getting urges to stay up all night and post a ton of really personal stuff on tiktok (which I barely use unless I’m at least hypomanic) and I feel like I was just recovering from my long weekend weird mixed episode shit and now I think I’m going right back up.

This fucking sucks man. Maybe we need to switch me from depakote to lithium or something. I just feel that feeling in my chest. That blooming hyperactive excitement that just wants to throw all caution to the wind and “live a little”. And by live a little it means blow up my whole life and make stupid choices.

I wish I had any more sick time at work but not only do I not have sick time, I basically got a structured threat from administration. A formal write up for attendance.

And I’m trying so hard not to slip back into that paranoid bullshit with administration. But it does feel like they’re specifically out to get me. That they hate me. I know its probably illogical, but I can’t convince myself that it is. Last time I sent some semi-unhinged emails so I’m really hoping that I don’t do anything weird this time around.

I need my career counselor to come back cuz I’m fuckin losing it lol

[mossandspikes]

I think my Depakote kicked in. I miss the intensity. But I love the calm too. Idk.

[mossandspikes]

Love feeling watched (/s). The office window across the parking lot for me is dark but it feels like someone’s over there watching me right now.

And earlier when I took a shower (we have glass doors and the bathroom faces the back door to our place cuz our place is built stupid) I literally had to put a band aid over the peep hole cuz I was so afraid I’d look up and suddenly see if blocked by someone who could somehow see in through it. It was like a 60 second shower cuz I was so fucking scared. And then, when I went to hide my shame (I’m home alone right now) and take the band aid off I was so scared it would be blocked I felt my heart rate spike.

It wasn’t of course and logically I know that no one’s watching me. I’m also super paranoid that I’m gonna get hospitalized or something if I tell anyone what’s going on. Idk. Just helps to vent here anonymously.

[mossandspikes]

Hey youtube - you know what not to do to someone in a manic episode? Pause their video randomly and flash on the screen a 4 digit code I need to “enter into my phone now” only to have that screen go away and set my video a few minutes back.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I’m freaking the fuck out has that ever happened to anyone???

[rabbitfootbutch]

in my experience, as someone with bipolar 1 (or possibly schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type) all of psychosis was bad but the parts that have been hardest with me to recon with is the delusions. and learning to what was real/ how to think for myself again.

i’ve been doing research on common delusions and here are a few i’ve come across:

this site talks about schitzophrenia psychosis specifically, but for me i experience lots of these and i’m not sure i’m even schitzoaffective. here are the things i experienced

persecutory delusions: believed the cops were after me because of my politics. believed my dad poisoned me growing up. when i got to the hospital, believed the doctors were trying to poison me and prosecute me. was so convinced i hid the medicine and refused to leave the room, going as far as pissing in a cup.

referential delusions: believed people were sending me secret signals. believed my favorite poet was writing about me and in real life shared an ungodly amount about my trauma with her in dms. hallucinated she made posts on her social media about me.

grandiose delusions: believed that i was an angel or saint sent to start/ run the revolution. believed i was a writing savant. believed i was beloved by many.

erotomanic delusions: believed that my roommate was in love with me and was my boyfriend. also that he was cheating on me. and would not let him leave my side because i believed it was the 1950s and we were being prosecuted as a gay couple (this goes back to persecutory.)

somatic delusions: experienced an extreme amount of leg pain (not sure how much of this was delusion and how much was disability) and believed my body was falling apart and i was dying, in desperate need of medical attention.

bizarre delusions: believed all my trauma was connected to capitalism. thought my dyslexia was much worse than it is and talked weirdly (southern accent or word salad). thought i had been abused worse than i had and was scared of even my semi-safe parent. thought i was so sick that once i “got treatment” i wouldn’t need glasses or disability aids.

other: seeing all sorts of connections that did not exist. paranoia of strangers. thought i was solving the answer to the revolution. played chess for 3 days straight under the guise it would help me strategize said revolution.

mania symptoms: such as went days without sleep, delusions of grandeur, stopped eating, stopped showering, nonstop activity, racing thoughts, pacing, poor impulse control (spending, sexual come-ons, lots of masterbation), hypersexuality

other symptoms: hallucinations (visual, touch), stopping attending work, lying, paranoia, influx of feelings, trouble communicating, trouble with light and sound (more than usual), disorganized behavior, uncontrollable age regression

why do i tell you all this? i just need to think out loud i guess and need this for my own record/ my own “things to look out for” emergency packet. and because i’m curious about other people’s delusions and how they interconnected with other psychosis symptoms for you? what were you diagnosed with?

[mariposas8494]

Bipolar Owl says what?!🤣🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

[mossandspikes]

Am I actually manic though? Like when I have the manic episodes I usually feel this deep spiritual alignment like I’m figuring out all the secrets if the universe and all the answers but like, a lot of them are good fucking ideas.

Like, the divine feminine and the divine masculine are complete misnomers for the energy of the sun and daylight and the evening and moonlight. The inhale and the exhale. That is something that’s come to me and that seems genuinely very true and helpful in spiritual spaces for queer folks.

And like, it’s fucking ridiculous how we have the global resources to care for every human being and we all fight each other over resources because a conference room full of very rich sociopaths want to play god. Like, we have all the resources and there are way more of us than them why are we doing this? It feels like seeing through the fucking matrix and how is someone supposed to get up and go to work when they can see through it all. I see through every war. It’s just wanting what someone else has its like they’re little kids. They try to dress it up all nice but all it is is an animalistic fight over territory and resources when if we all just could be cool for a second there would be more than enough of everything for everyone.

Like is that insane? Am I crazy or am I just seeing through things that people don’t want you to see through you know?

[guerrillatech]

[mossandspikes]

I get spiritual delusions and paranoia when I hit a manic episode a lot of the time so y’all are gonna be in for a treat when the truths start hitting 💅🏻

[mariposas8494]

Too true sometimes 😂

[mossandspikes]

Controversial opinion: People should be allowed to have space on the internet where they can be mentally ill and self destructive and relapsing and messy. Community, even in those times, is still important. We can’t just keep banning tags and websites on the internet cuz they’re “bad for you”. Adults get free choice. If I wanna freefall for a couple of days on a long weekend cuz I’m exhausted from keeping all together all the time then I should be allowed to do that without fear of getting banned. Like, block the tag on your own that’s fine. Again, individual choice. But yeah. We should all get to spiral out online if we fucking want.