Mossly Heaven

Get out of my head and on to the page.

[mossly-heaven]

Icarus

Icarus the man that flew too close to the sun and got burnt, knowing the story everyone knows that Icarus a man striving for his main goal got too close to it and burnt to a crisp and fell to his Doom.

At the moment I feel like Icarus. I’ve applied for a job, I definitely have no skills for feeling like I is putting on my wings of courage flying as high as I can with hope and the sun is the people that interview me that potentially find someone better than me but I know they look for the situation that I’m in the best, so I hope I don’t burn.

I have the balls for, it not necessarily what an interviewer wants to hear but, I do I have the drive which most people don’t have I have the spirit and a soul and the love for the job and at no point will anyone ever tell me I am not worth the time of day to potentially interview for a job that I am well worth getting.

Yes the job was a made up job for our specific department but I am made for this made up job for this specific department.

[mossly-heaven]

Matters of the Heart

When it comes to this i freeze, i stop in my tracks, yes ill grow for the better.

Love for me grows and has developed for believing a kiss was love to sex, to actually having someone that cares about me.

I am in love no sex, no kisses, he cares and i cant help but love him, how can i not, smart, funny, sweet, caring, inspirational and so much more.

I keep thinking i keep saying slightly to much that spells commitment and i am worried ill scare him away, i feel like i am broken and hes perfect.

[mossly-heaven]

Whales

Cute your ex has a whale tattooed on her back your supposed to laugh when I say hump back whale, I ask if it would be hotter the fuck me with my moth, or her with her whale, p.s the answer is not I don’t know because the answer should always mean I’m better, I compare myself to her & out drink her at parties because I’m meant to be better and you’re meant to believe it too, we are engaged not you two and I feel like she’s the girl you can’t let go because she broke your heart.

I feel like I’m watching you fall for the whale you could catch it’s like moby dick.

[mossly-heaven]

Know Better

If I didn’t know better i would ask how you are, I’d ask why you’re not doing ok, but I know I’ll get sucked in, I know that I’ll care about something I shouldn’t or can’t.

But I do know better so I won’t ask, I won’t care, it’s still their so I’ll move on knowing there’s still something not right and I’m not sorry because I know me talking will be a problem.

I know better.

[mossly-heaven]

Welcome

How do you stay focused knowing you’re not welcome? how do you stay a location knowing you’re not welcome?

Honestly my answer is I don’t know.

Do you ever just constantly realise that you’re not welcome no matter where you go?, my ex his mum made it so that I was the least welcome person to a point where I ended up not in the same room as her, not being welcomed by his entire family because I was bisexual, open to any religion, not racist, not sexist but most of all I believed I deserved to be treated better than what they were treating me.

Now my current partner, he’s amazing, he’s my fiancé, I sleep at his house, he still lives at his parents but recently it became very apparent that I’m not welcome, whether it be I’m not welcome while they’re not there or whether it just be I’m not welcome when my partner is not there.

I was told to get out of bed the other day because my partner wasn’t there which confused me because that’s never mattered before, I very awkwardly got out of bed, got my gym clothes on and went to the gym until he came back from work, snide comments about my stuff Or about the shower even though me and my partner shower together and we shower for the amount of time that only one person is supposed to his sister showers for about four times that but I get told off that there’s no hot water.

It makes me feel a bit lost, It makes me feel uneasy and awkward, it makes me feel unwelcome, now it feels like a big do not enter sign into the family even though he’s my fiancé.

So how do you stay focused knowing you’re not welcome? how do you stay a location knowing you’re not welcome?

[mossly-heaven]

Day 3 The Flood

When my family made “the sea change” we bought 2 large shade shelters for the beach so the whole family could fit.

I moved out of my parents house and in with my partner of two years 2 days ago, we are so excited but... we have no outside shelter, I wanted a outside table, and something to protect my plants from harsh conditions.

Day 2 came and my dad and I put up the “beach shade” shelter and it was the best thing ever, I sprinkled with rain and I sat under it with my plants wait happily to show my partner my awesome idea.

That didn’t last...my awesome idea sucked.

Day 3 2am

My Insomnia wakes me up, I hear rain and In bed I’m thinking about my poor car I’ve left in the rain, then after about 20 minutes the rain gets so heavy I’m scared, I go look out the bedroom window to actually check on my car, she’s fine, I go to the kitchen to get a drink, then remember the sun shade I placed plant pots on most corners to ground it but I couldn’t secure it to our pavement, it was fine it wasn’t moving at all.

The outside light it must have been leaning on shattered as one side drops, I gasp like I never have before, I turn off the switch and got out, no shoes and was about to drop a side away from my plants, a side pole collapsed under pressure of the water and a flood of water drenched my poor plants, I dropped the other side and the water held on the tarp, I push the massive fun sized water off, another flood of water this time coming up to my calf, I drop the other 2 side easy.

I realised I need help!!!

I do a speed walk to the master bedroom calling gently to my partner as I go, I explain that I need help taking it down or it’ll blow away oh and be careful of the glass... he said the glass?! I explained the whole thing, and nearly started crying because of the adrenaline, we went out he held it and pushed it together while I uncliped in and pushed it together, he moved it into the carport and I started to move my plant gear that was now wet and some plants inside for some much needed respite.

I finally got that drink and just sat to get the adrenaline out.

P.s Dont use “sun shades” as a rain shelter it doesn’t work.

[mossly-heaven]

How do you explain dreaming about other people to the man of your dreams?

[mossly-heaven]

Scout voucher

This is a email I sent to my scout groups

Heya Kelly

I must say I waited this long to open my card and cried and thought wait but what do I need from BCF? I don’t boat or fish, I didn’t need anything, so what do I do?, after thinking about it a lot I remembered I’ve had the same sleeping bad for 13 years and it’s pretty useless now, so I looked online for 2 hours comparing 47 sleeping bags saying no to some only adding some because it was pretty and some that were so overly practical the temperature rating was 15*, it came down to a choice how much comfort and durability was 1kg worth? The answer was a pretty blue and light grey and cheaper, more comfortable and -2*. So yes the extra kgs was worth it.

This made my day and I hope my ridiculous sleeping bag story made yours.

Xx

Thank you

[mossly-heaven]

A New Baby

Dream time!!!!!

My cat Nym (my beautiful bengal baby) passed away last year in December, well in this dream she was lost not passed on, she made her way home and after lots of amazement, crying and cuddles, she... she turned into a person this punky cute Indi girl, telling me she was lost near a hospital and made her way back to me because she needed my help, my help, I was confused, the Indi girl that used to be my cat, handed me a kitten, black ball of fluff with crystal blue eyes, she curled up to me and looked at me, my heart melting from cuteness, Nym told me I needed to look after her, that she was found by the hospital where Nym was lost.

And I woke thinking she was alive, i held my cat while being put down, I couldn’t leave her in those moments, and I was laying there thinking it’s ok she’s alive, not good.

Then I thought does that mean she’s telling me something:

-there’s a cat that needs me

-I’m not over the grief of her but I should get another cat

-is this kitten safe

-is this kitten real

I have no idea, do you?

[mossly-heaven]

The Last Goodbye

My Nan passed away recently, the day that she passed, was peaceful, and perfect for her. Her day was full, her daughter with her, taking her to a cafe, eating French pastries and sipping coffee by the seaside, after a stroll on the beach she said “oh” and fell, she was gone straight away.

My Nan was so cheeky, from when she was younger her and grandad owned and live in a English pub, while grandad was working a different job one time, she was flirting with a customer, the customer was flirting back, but the man jumped over the bar to chased after her, nan started to run, he grabbed her, he succeeded and warned her about flirting with patrons.

Even though she has passed away, I had a dream about her, well the whole family having one last family dinner with her, while she told me she was ok , is was bliss, it’s was in a random castle but it’s was still the best thing to see her again, and I hope that was my little peep into her after life, if not I hope she finds grandad.

[mossly-heaven]

2 Years Scared

2 years ago i broke into more pieces than I thought I could be in, I was already a mess at the time it tipped it, it meant I found someone that gave a damn about me, but it still plays In my head.

Tonight I sit alone waiting for the clock to change day, knowing my nightmare will be over, it’s seems silly my day will be ruined by a day that happened 2 years ago.

[mossly-heaven]

The Art of Forgetting

My mother is a classic and I don’t doubt she is why I do the same thing, the thing is just forgetting, sounds like nothing, wrong.

So today my mother yelled at me, I work with her, today we got a new filing cabinet, I had to reorganise over 650 clients and move huge bits of furniture which I enjoyed, I rearranged our stationary and merchandise cupboards, did some extra work for her accounting wise, and have 3 hours to do 10 minutes filing and 10 minutes of shedding, I’m ahead in my work by 4 days, but because 2 bits of paperwork where not in a spot she liked she yelled at me about doing my job.

Now cool yelled at me, I tried to explain and she kept yelling and I said I didn’t want to argue and walked away, I’m trying my best, it wasn’t enough.

30 minutes later she’s comes near where I’m working out back, filing finished, in the middle of shredding and asks me if I want tea and a muffin.

... No I don’t want your muffin and tea, I’m still salty.

[mossly-heaven]

In law

What do you do when you’re in laws hate you for being you?, honestly I have no idea as what, I’ve been doing is staying away because that’s where they want me.

My in laws have never really liked me nearly 2 years of knowing me and they hate me even more. I’ll sit pretty and shut my mouth so they can run theirs about how much they hate me, yay.

Sorry to complain but it’s no one place to hurt my feelings I do that by myself perfectly, thank you.

[mossly-heaven]

The Ship

On a ship with my partner,the top looked big enough space to fit 6 helicopters on the main section.

Waves start to crash on to the ship and it was starting to become submerged, my partner say “ I don’t think that’s meant to happen” we were told to just go inside it was the control room, the turned on a system that engaged huge air canons, that once engaged would sense a wave and push the water away so the ship did not get submerged.

While in the control room a random guy started messing around with a panel on the ground, all we get is water and the crew running to stop him, it was to late he released a pressure valve that controlled if the ship took in water.

For some reason this meant we had to run down to the lower decks to save people, which started to turn more into parkour, we all stopped on pipes while others climbed away from the water.

It cut to me and my partner in a town with not drowning victims but pressure... eyes bulging from their head all laying on the ground, a doctor running around to the ones he thinks might survive the ordeal, blood, some covered as they had already passed away.

Then I was awake, my heart racing from it all.

[mossly-heaven]

Borrowing Boyfriends

If you are in a relationship and you’re partner ask can I go do this? I’m gonna tell my partner if the activities mean anyone involved will say “thanks for letting me borrow your boyfriend” then you’ll have your answer and the answer is no don’t get yourself in that situation and don’t pull me into it because yes it will probably hurt me.

[mossly-heaven]

Escape East

I live in Western Australia, I’ve been to Sydney, it was in 2010 and because I was young I didn’t appreciate it.

When me and my partner broke up I was like “ok... now what...” and chose to go to Sydney & Adelaide and do the cool things I didn’t get to do & see my sister in Adelaide, I have my flights booked, hotel booked, everything is planned.

Then me and my partner got back together, I was torn, I should cancel?, I should go?, I need to do this myself?. My answer was invite him, he’s never been out of Western Australia and he needs this as much as I do.

Now we both have tickets to go together and I’m excited he gets to go from only seeing one state to three in a matter of 10 day.

We go in September, I’m excited, it’s not just me that needs this it’s him too.

[mossly-heaven]

Narcolepsy

(This is my experience)

I finally got an answer about my sleep, not the best answer but a answer nevertheless. Now I have been officially diagnosed I can explain it’s more.

Narcolepsy is a sleeping disorder, now most people associate this with cataplexy ( a sudden episode of muscle weakness that puts you to sleep), I thankfully don’t have this.

What I do get symptoms wise is, the excessive sleepiness during regular waking hours, Sleep Paralysis (in bed,not being able to move, a dark figure in the corner of the room and overwhelming fear), vivid dreams & my least favourite my lovely hypnopomic sleep hallucinations (if I’m injured in a vivid dream and I wake up I can feel that pain, this feeling could take a whole day to go away).

Treatment: a stimulant, that I can’t take, because bipolar (hyper manic depression) runs in my family the treatment could potentially trigger a mental unbalance and make me have a manic episode, so for now I sit and wait for my doctors to come up with a plan.