While I sit, taking a break from being frustrated at genshin impact, I want to talk about something that you probably won't find in other areas. This post is for my hypersexual people out there, so if that triggers you, please move onto another post.
I recently had someone ask me, how to deal with hypersexuality if you do not want to masturbate, or look at sexual material or anything. And this goes for the younger people out here that might not be old enough to involve themselves in safe sexual communities. But you can be an adult and still find this advice useful, it's for everyone to keep in mind.
Hypersexuality is a coping mechanism, usually coming from a traumatic experience or something similar. It's also incredibly similar to OCD and the obsessive/compulsive part, with intrusive sexual fantasies/thoughts and compulsions like oversharing and sexual acts. And with it, you will feel shame, regret and self hatred, hypersexuality is not pretty and is very damaging to live with, especially if you've been dealing with it since you were a child.
When hypersexuality is triggered, you may be feeling...
small and like you need to be protected or else, like a kid, like condescended or put down
pain, you may be dealing with some sort of pain when it is triggered, you may have a hard time sleeping, and it's triggered, or you had a bad day
self hatred, you may feel like you cannot escape your shame and guilt, you may be spiraling and need some sort of reprieve to take you away from reality
or literally any sort of stress, it can be anything, and its usually something painful. You could be feeling lonely, you could be struggling with intrusive thoughts that make you feel aroused, anything.
So you will experience urges and intrusive thoughts. And a lot of it, a lot of what I've experienced, and I know others have, is self harming behaviors with the hypersexuality. It's not necessarily physical, it can be emotional self harm. Regardless, it's self punishing for "taboo" or "disgusting" acts. And its a very intense headspace that is hard to escape from.
There are things called endorphins, hormones/neurotransmitters that reduce pain and discomfort, that come from sexual acts. And they make you feel better and help you sleep. But that does not mean you do not experience emotional pain from engaging in sexual situations. It's self harming, and hypersexuality is known as an addiction, just like codependency.
So how does one deal with hypersexuality in a more healthy manner? How to not hate yourself so much when you get compulsions and intrusive thoughts? Well, there is therapy, but that's just an easy answer that doesn't work for everyone. And a lot of therapy is just this. It's self work and self care.
I'm not going to act like that is easy, nor is it pleasurable a lot of times. But it's healing and progress, it's something that is worth it in the long run. It's teaching yourself that sexual things are not taboo, and that you're not evil for doing it. It's learning to accept yourself and break down dissociative barriers if you have them.
In combatting this, here are some things to focus on:
Affirmations and self appreciating. No more telling yourself that you're gross or disgusting, no more viewing yourself in a negative light. There are positivity blogs and posts, surround yourself with that love and kindness, and no more falling back on "I'm gross for feeling this way".
Unlearning the lies that your inner child has been told. And this is specifically the lie that "sex is bad" or that it's taboo. Its just a normal part about having bodily needs. Even if you don't like sex, it's not inherently bad. Within this, educate yourself about the things you may have not learned in school. Let's stop feeling ashamed of ourselves when we experience arousal. Become more sex positive.
Learning self care and aftercare. Aftercare is mostly talked about in kink communities but it should be discussed more in general. It's about coming down from emotional highs after sexual encounters. And that means being gentle and kind with yourself. Take care of yourself, use the bathroom, etc. You don't even have to have had a sexual encounter to preform self care.
Along with the point above, self care is important in general. Create a safe space for yourself, have relax days, take time for yourself and treat yourself well. Hypersexuality is often the "replacement" for the need of unconditional love. This is why you need to be more gentle with yourself and to forgive yourself. Even if you cannot be with others, or trust others, at least you can do is be gentle and kinder with yourself.
Give your inner child a safe space. Watch kids shows, watch your favourite movies you loved as a child. Let yourself eat snacks or drinks. Let yourself play and have fun. Sit in comfy pajamas and make pillow forts, or take a nature walk. Surround yourself in things you enjoyed or wanted as a child. (I recommend The Little Prince if you want a good movie to enjoy.) Let your inner child be themselves, because more often than not, they're the one that feels unloved and unsafe here. No more shame, let yourself have fun.
And this is not a cure, this will not help you with everything. Sometimes you need actual therapy, actual medication, you need an answer. It's hard, the healing journey is tough because of the stigma and struggle with finding a therapist that is right for you.
I really recommend researching about OCD as well, you may not have OCD, but it's really similar to a lot of what hypersexuality is. And getting a diagnosis for that or getting medication for that, may help you deal with some issues you cannot contend with on your own. Especially with the lack of boundaries you may have. Especially if you have been in a toxic or codependent relationship/friendship or situation due to hypersexuality. You may learn better coping mechanisms through that as well. You are not a lost cause.
You will lessen the intense headspace with care and work, you are not a monster and you are not disgusting. Please treat yourself with more respect and kindness. Sex is not a sin, and nor does hypersexuality make you a bad person. Educate and treat yourself better. You are an equal and you deserve to be respected. You are not lower than anyone else, nor are you less intelligent or stupid. You are not an inferior being.
Here's to healing, the journey begins. May you grow and build a sanctuary for yourself. I hope you flourish. No more self hatred and no more shame. You are deserving of respect and you deserve the unconditional love that was not given to you. Only you can take the first step of this. It's not as scary or uncomfortable as you think it is.
TDLR: Please read the bullet points if nothing else. Hypersexuality is very similar to OCD, so OCD coping mechanisms may help you as well. Practicing self care, as well as unlearning shame and self punishing attitudes will help. It's not protective if you don't learn to respect yourself. Stop shaming yourself for sexual feelings. It's not your fault you deal with this. So it's time you build yourself a safe space/sanctuary in order to be more authentic and loving with yourself.
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