When things go bad,they can go real bad real fast,it doesn't take a minute. One moment you have it all,you bought a new appartment,you have the perfect girl,a job you love with a career that's open for opportunities,the next moment you lose it all,the construction gets cancelled,you lose the investment,the girl of your dreams...you only see her in your dreams..that job you loved..makes you feel like a slave and your career lies dead in the water. No,it doesn't take a minute to lose what you worked for,hoped for. Some of it can be your own fault,some of it is out of your hands but mostly it's a combination,a chain reaction that gets worse the harder you try to stop it,at least in my case. I've always had the tendency to make things worse when I try to make it better. It's the way I'm wired. People who know me would say I'm calm,intelligent,logical. When it comes to helping people I have a certain wisdom,when it comes to helping myself I'm a trainwreck in flames going down a hill. It's the fear I guess,the fear to lose people/things that trigger a blind panic which pushes away the things I need the closest. I take medication now,which helps,not that it takes away the loss or that it makes me happy but it keeps me on a straight path instead of that blind destructive path,it helps to think sober which can really hurt when you look at things in retrospect. Losing A. is without a doubt the biggest loss of my life,I loved her,still do,with all I have or what's left of it. I'm not sure she knows that or even wants to know. She means the world to me and not having her in my world is a heavy weight to carry,I miss her daily,dream about her almost every night,the best dreams,having fun,hearing her laugh,talking for hours but then I wake up and have to face reality,grab that bottle of medication and get through the day. I try to take care of myself,I know she wanted that so I try. Sometimes I wonder "why even bother" but then I remember how she loved it when I tried to be all cleaned up and smooth...the pills help,they're "activating" which means they help to tell the brain to do basic things instead of lying in bed all day. Am I proud I take those pills? No,no one is but I am proud I took the step,to have the guts to say "I can't do this on my own,please help" Sometimes admitting you're defeated takes more strength than struggling in silence. Will I ever see her again? Probably not,I'm thinking about moving to Canada,away from all the things and people that trigger memories. Not because I don't want to see her,the opposite,I hope for it every day,even a simple message would spark my fire again,instead of having to shield the fragile flame I have left. My heart hopes but my head knows better. My heart says "maybe she misses you" my head says "she forgot about you why can't you let go" My head always used to be the stronger one,burning bridges,moving on...but not this time..not with her....so yeah.. Canada..I know she'd be happy if she knew I'm gone forever,out of her life and in the end,even after all of this her happinnes is my priority even if takes sacrafices...I guess that's true love,in its purest form...but life is not a disney movie,love stories don't always have a happy ending but that doesn't mean the love ends...I'm thankful for every minute she spent with me,loved me,cared for me..if there was only one thing I could tell her it would be this: I'm sorry I couldn't be the man you wanted me to be but when I did I lost everything else,I'm not there cause you're doing better,I'm not there cause I know it hurts,I'm not there cause of all of this,I'm not there cause I'd make you worse. I'm sorry,I don't expect you to forgive me,just know,even across the ocean I'll miss you and love you.
