mark phillips.

❛ i wake up without warning and go flying around the house, in my sauvignon fierce, freaking out. take a forty-five minute shower and kiss the mirror and say, look at me. baby, we'll be fine.

[mrkphllps]

EMMA

The tension between them was LOPSIDED, veering between a normal conversation and a terse exchange of words syllable by syllable —- though her expression would have lead an outsider to believe it was the most painful conversation she’d ever endured. And while THAT was certainly an exaggeration, it was worse than the prior explosions of emotion she’d doled out in speaking to him: she couldn’t make a scene, she couldn’t be CHILDISH. That was only excused in the scenario of shock. Now, it was time to be the bigger person. ❛ I’ll … think about dropping by. ❜ A pause, an excuse already halfway out of her mouth. ❛ Yeah. Think. Sheffield doesn’t have the MULTITUDE you think it does, but if I ever find myself out and about … ❜ She trailed off, nothing else to say, but refusing to give a finality to the statement and set an empty promise in stone. ❛ But … I wouldn’t count on a visit. That usually ends up with … DISAPPOINTMENT. Especially with family. ❜

      The brief, fleeting moment of casual RELUCTANCE is replaced with something more explicitly GUADED. He regrets having asked, but then again, conversations floating in LIMBO would eventually fade into NOTHINGNESS. They weren’t the ones he was AFTER, even if they did feel NICE. “ That’s all I ask. ” He says softly. Expecting NOTHING still roused HOPE in him, a trait he sometimes felt he’d be better off WITHOUT, seemingly overshadowing the place of REALITY. “ Well I talked to Molly. We didn’t make any PLANS or anything, but I think she might be INTERESTED. I don’t know how you two are doing, but, it’d be NICE with the TWO of you. ”

[mrkphllps]

JULI

He laughs, but it’s spiteful and hollow. He laughs, but it holds little sincerity and Mark is no closer to winning him over. Not that Julian ever suspected it to have been his intention.  ❛  Oh, is that right? How? What, you’re gonna buy ‘em a FUCKING puppy, or something?  ❜  Words carry a bitterness he would rather not discuss, let alone acknowledge. It’s what absent fathers did, wasn’t it? Change: the word caused a scoff to escape, and he only now realises the pain and hurt that’s occupied him all these years. 

       Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like he’s got AGE on those younger than him, just as much a SCARED little kid as the rest of them. “ I don’t know. ” He CONFESSES with exasperation, because he’s so goddamn TIRED and that’s without being CHIDED by a complete STRANGER. “ Why do you even CARE ? ”  He asks, he genuinely wants to know even if the question holds an unintended SLIGHT.

[mrkphllps]

JULI

       Julian might be projecting, if just a bit– but it didn’t really matter. Mark was as deserving of this treatment as his own father, and the younger was not about to let him get away unscathed. ❛  A mistake is pouring the milk before the cereal. A MISTAKE– is not ditching your fucking family. Civility? Fuck civility. You’re a deadbeat fuck. You’re not doing them a favour, man. Why are you even here? It’s a freaking joke.   ❜  

       “ Hey man, calm the fuck down. ” He RETORTS before he can bite his tongue. It was a five second SLIP that would cost him from earning any sort of respectability now (even if it wasn’t likely BEFORE). “ I’m sorry. ” The mandatory apology immediately follows, even if it’s said because he feels like it’s a dutiful OBLIGATION. “ I’m gonna make things BETTER. I can be a proper father NOW. ”

[mrkphllps]

EMMA

❛  It’s … high school, ❜ She consoled him stiffly and dryly, though not with SARCASM, hoping the statement of the obvious was a enough of a substantial response. However, NERVES got the better of her, eating away at her. She felt guilty for not running back to her father with open arms, as she had always promised herself she would. It was much easier to be kind to people when they hadn’t hurt you — the revelation was common sense, but one she’d ignored for as long as possible: respect was a two way street, and Emma plowing down negativity wasn’t going to get her anywhere but a dead end. ❛  Kids’ll do that. I probably would have done something dumb too. Ferris Bueller’s opening scene, maybe. ❜ She wants add a biting retort — acting was about transforming yourself, and SHE’D never gotten to pull teenage hijinks by staying home because SOMEBODY ELSE was the real child. She resigns instead to leaving it at a fondness of the movie. she swallows hard and fiddles with the cellophane peeking over the edge of the cart from whatever groceries were left before speaking again. ❛ Settling in? ❜

     He nods, a smile tugging softly at the corners of his lips. It’s almost SULLEN with the mention of high school. After all, asking about the four years of her high school experience that he had MISSED was a direct VIOLATION of the confines of SMALL TALK. The nauseating pit in his stomach makes it’s presence known, the GUTTURAL guilt a firm reminder of why he had to RETURN. Though he lets the cogs of his imagination turn, the vision of a young Emma Phillips FAKING a fever. The cost of pursuing an imagined FUTURE was the cementing of forever having to imagine the ABANDONED past. “ Dumb but FUN. ” He admits, his smile broadening HESITANTLY. “ This town, I mean that’s the real GEM. So much to explore I wouldn’t know where to START. As for the apartment, it’s coming along. Starting to look like a real HOME. You should come over sometime ... My door’s always OPEN.” He finishes, he doesn’t mean to be BOTHERSOME, but if he doesn’t ask, he knows she’ll never OFFER.

[mrkphllps]

JULI

         Maybe he’d describe himself as Molly Phillips’ friend, but that was certainly not the reason for his aggravation towards Mark– and he refused it be the scapegoat for it.  ❛  Who said anything about friends?  ❜  The younger snaps back.  ❛  Think she’s FRIENDS with the entire fuckin’ town, I highly freaking doubt it. Why’re you here, Mike? You don’t have another family to ditch & come back to… and DITCH AGAIN? My bet’s on a couple down south, huh? You seem like one of those sad country fucks. One’s your cousin, right?  ❜  

       If he were MATURE, he’d walk away, but THEATRICS are prompted by the other’s UNLIKELY words. He never had gotten ADULTHOOD down, evidently, as he listens to the younger recount the telling tale of his IMMATURITY. “ Mark. My name is MARK. Look I don’t know what Molly told you, but I’m trying to make things RIGHT. I’m not going to try and make you change your mind about me, but I think I DESERVE civility. I made a MISTAKE, kid. ” His voice is stern, but SOFT around the edges, vulnerability a shield that’d been failing to PROTECT. Consequence after consequence made for him to RIGHTFULLY bear, because he was in the WRONG. 

[mrkphllps]

JULI

          Julian was no stranger to arguments, not even those taking place between him & an absolute stranger. And Mark’s reluctance to actually engage? More infuriating than his resemblance to Julian’s own father.  ❛  No need to get a fuckin’ stiffy & heart palpitations, Phillips.  ❜  The younger begins, thick brows furrowed.  ❛  I just thought someone who walked out on their family would at least have a LITTLE something up there. But no, you’re just a full-blown DIPSHIT, aren’t you? God, dude– get some redeeming qualities so I don’t have to freaking kick your ass.  ❜  

      The other’s demeanour is cause for AMUSEMENT, but he tries to mask it in fear of it being seen as an attempt at PROVOCATION. That doesn’t stop the words from inflicting HURT upon him, but retaliation in the form of trying to justify himself would only fuel a FIRE that was already BURNING in the younger. “ You must know MOLLY. ” He concludes, INQUISITIVE eyes being used as protection against further insults. “ I’m glad she’s making FRIENDS. She was WORRIED about that. Not making friends. ”

[mrkphllps]

EMMA

❛ Fine. ❜ It comes out too quickly —- forced, an attempt to bring end to the conversation. Part of her feels bad: he’s reaching out, reconnecting in spite of her REJECTION. But she can’t stomach it: exit stage right before her teen years had even begun, come back for the bows of adulthood. She’d made it. She’d done it on her OWN, a father absent and a mother too sick to do anything but hate her. —– And though she hated him for not being there to help her, the majority of her anxiety towards it was settled in how she did: she barely felt complete. Immaturity was often chalked up to personality; Emma had always been bright and cheerful and fostered a sort of naivety that could only be kept alive in someone ATTEMPTING to be ignorant. She wasn’t mature, the adult she should have been. As much as she resented him for not being there: mostly, she was ANGRY that she couldn’t show him that she didn’t need him. ❛ It’s … fine. Kids are good. ❜ She fiddles with the flaps of one of the boxes in the cart, keeping her eyes drawn down to the metal bars of the grocery trolley or the shiny white linoleum of the floor. ❛ You? ❜ She hopes politeness won’t be mistaken for interest. She’d taught herself to always be kind, but with her father, it’s a struggle. Every time she sees him, a scream or a sob gets caught in her throat: she wants to tell him how much she HATES him, how much she wishes he’d stay gone. How much she’d missed him, how much she hated that he left. But the dairy aisle had never been the BEST place for a breakdown, so instead she keeps it to civilities. 

       The interaction already proves TIRING, and GUILT quickly settles upon him for not reeling in her very PRESENCE. After all, his gratefulness should be infinitely PRESENT, her donning of a hesitant permission for him to be a shadowing FIGURE in her life should never be taken for granted. Yet, her words are STUNTED, and he wish HE weren’t the cause. He won’t embrace EXHAUSTION, because he knows this can’t be the extent of their relationship. He wouldn’t be able to HANDLE it if it were. So, his carefully CULTIVATED patience is tested, and slivers of GRATITUDE are focused upon. “ Good. I’m GLAD. ” His voice is SINCERE, even if he can’t bring himself to smile in the midst of awkwardness and disconnected glances. He repositions the handle of the basket on his arms, if only to reflect Emma’s own feigned DISINTEREST even if he was far from INDIFFERENCE. It was one trait that he struggled to ACT, micro-mannerisms always deceiving of his passion for EVERYTHING that he was SUBJECTED to. It’s why his gaze never strays, but perhaps that’s because the effect of being back in his daughter’s life has yet to WEAR. “ Yeah, it’s GOOD. Had my class choose a monologue to perform for their midterm. I kind of had SHAKESPEARE or HOMER in mind, but so far I’ve gotten a stellar YODA impression, and that monologue in Reservoir Dogs. You know the one ? About not TIPPING ? Who’s the ... Steve Buscemi. YEAH, anyways. S’pose I should’ve SPECIFIED, huh ? ” 

[mrkphllps]

EMMA

❛ I was, uh, 𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 bringing them back to the display. Found ‘em with the … chips. ❜ This was a lie, and a rather obvious one, but she let it sit between them as they both SILENTLY collect groceries, and she moves past him to place them back in the cart. She 𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑓𝑡𝑠 from one foot to the other, biting down on the torn skin of her bottom lip until the tip of her tongue feels the metallic taste of blood — and then they become pursed, keeping herself QUIET. She doesn’t WANT conversation, ᴇsᴘᴇᴄɪᴀʟʟʏ not one initiated by her. But the pull of self-taught politeness extends past their first conversation: the meanness of their reunion has all but faded away to white lies and subtleties, and it makes her uncomfortable; how forgiveness always seems to 𝐝𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥 in the back of her mind and attempt to push its way forward. Pleasing others and grabbing ｏｐｔｉｍｉｓｍ to hold close to her in every situation was 𝙧𝙚𝙛𝙡𝙚𝙭: that was no different now, but she pushed back more than the docile reaction she usually had — now she decided some grudges were WORTH holding. ❛ Thanks for … 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙜. ❜

      He lets her move around him instead of attempting to move WITH her, he imagines it’d be rather out of SYNCHRONIZATION anyways. Standing up, he places the groceries at the END of the cart, he notices the way it forms a BARRIER between the two. A SAFE bet, better that way. He offers a TAME smile in place of a comment on the EVIDENT lie she decided to PURSUE. It’s not worth the words. “ You’re welcome. ” He says softly, words well SPENT. He knows he should leave, but he can’t help but feel the PULL of her daughter’s presence, that brings a swelling sense of JOY to his heart despite the ever-radiating CIRCUMSTANCES. “ Work going well ? ” He says, almost too QUICKLY, expecting an instant rebuff the moment it LEAVES his lips. He should go, but his feet ROOT themselves to the floor and his heart continues to RACE.

[mrkphllps]

JULI

@mrkphllps !!

          Julian didn’t know Mark all that well. Or at all, for that matter. But he knew enough; enough to draw comparisons to his own father, enough to dislike the older severely. And enough to turn a small disagreement into a full-blown argument.  ❛  Have you SUDDENLY become the stupidest man ever?  ❜

        “ Excuse me ? ” Brows raise at the thrown INSULT, exuding the sort of Phillip’s SINCERITY that strays away from a FIGHT. Dark tones search for a sign that would INDICATE what exactly he’s done WRONG, but it’s a FUTILE attempt. Instead, the corner of his lips quirks just slightly. “ SUDDENLY ? I suppose I should thank you for thinking that I was ever anything BUT. ”

[mrkphllps]

MOLLY

“ but you did make friends though, right? i really only had one friend in high school and she’s going to college out of state – i have no idea what i’m going to do without her. people were nice to me because of her, y’know, i guess i’m just worried they won’t like me now that she’s gone. i’m not really all that … outgoing. ”

      “ ‘Course I did, despite what you may think I wasn’t a COMPLETE loser. Well, I’m sure that one friend will still be your FRIEND despite her not being in the same STATE. So I’d say you’re already off to a GOOD start. You don’t HAVE to be Mols, people should, and WILL, like you for YOU. You don’t have’ta be OUTGOING, just OPEN. Life’s all about doing things that SCAR you, a little bit of fear’s HEALTHY. ”

[emmqs-blog1]

@mrkphllps ;

Upon seeing her father, the thought of being civil had run through her head. A simple nod and a tight lipped smile as he walked past her in the aisle, and an implication of her having to go somewhere if he stopped to initiate conversation. But instead of going with the logical part of her brain ( albeit, one that wasn’t kicked into action as much as she might like to think ), she tried her best to duck behind the display rack next to where she stood, in a discreet attempt to get into the next section of the store without his presence.  

However, swiftness won over dexterity, and she stumbled, crashing into the display. This set off an embarrassing chain of reactions: the sudden fall of the rack knocked into her, pushing her off her feet for a split second. She stumbled for the next few, reaching out for it to steady herself —- and was brought to the floor with it. Hair flopped in front of her face and her own groceries askew, she took a few moments to collect herself before peering down the aisle —- and of course, he had reached the end of it. Her end of it. Clearing her throat and attempting to stand up with as much grace as she could muster, she diverted her eyes from the older.

[mrkphllps]

       He catches her out of the CORNER of his eye, but before he can even approach her he’s forced to bare witness to the chain of the events that UNRAVEL before him. It takes a certain kind of RESTRAINT in order to not let even the SLIGHTEST laugh fall from his lips. Though, the quirk of his lips betrays the SOLIDARITY one should have with their daughter when they FALL down in the middle of the grocery store. He stands before her, traps a QUIVERING smile behind pursed lips. He BENDS over, starts to pick up what were the contents of her basket before they were strewn in DISARRAY. “ I got the SAME ones. ” He comments, regarding the pack of DONUTS before passing them back to her. He remembers after-school trips to Benny’s for powdered, raspberry-filled treats. He’s sure SHE does too, it’s why he lets it lie, CROUCHES instead, in order to collect the REMAINING groceries. 

[boutella]

A Most Violent Year (2014) dir. J.C. Chandor

[mrkphllps]

MOLLY

“ i don’t think that i will – not ‘cause i don’t love mom or anything, but i’m still gonna be able to do everything i did when i wasn’t in college. except, minus the curfew, though i wouldn’t be surprised if mom tried to enforce one anyway. yeah … more nervous than anything. do you remember what it was like when you first went to college? were you scared? ”

      “ If she does, you make sure to tell ME ‘n I’LL talk to her. I’d say after EIGHTEEN years you’re more than due for a little FREEDOM. Well sure, I was terrified I wasn’t gonna make FRIENDS. But everyone’s NERVOUS, which is a good thing, that fear makes everyone EXTRA friendly. Not that you’re not one of the KINDEST people I know already. I wouldn’t WORRY, s’long as you go in with an OPEN mind, you’ll fall into place sooner than you think. ”

[mrkphllps]

MOLLY

starter for @mrkphllps !

“ i was thinking that my color scheme should be pink & grey – – what do you think? i know it seems kinda stupid to stay on campus when my house is just down the street, but i think it’ll be nice to be on my own for once, y’know? ”

     “ I like it ! Nah, it’s not STUPID, you’re going to LOVE it. And if you do end up missing HOME, it’s no more than a BUS RIDE away. You excited ? ”

[jakegyllenhaal]

Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd in The Object of My Affection (1998)

[mrkphllps]

EMMA

She felt her head nodding in agreement before she could make the conscious decision to humor his efforts — after all, wasn’t it his responsibility? He was the one who had ruined their family, he was the one who would have to repair it. But even as she hoped for this to be true, she knew it WASN’T. After years and years of being gone, it was foolish of both Mark & Emma herself to assume he could jump right back in, paternal wisdom overriding the years and years of the mantra being carved into the minds of the Phillips family: it was her fault. 

And even if it wasn’t, even if the weight of responsibility sat entirely on Mark’s shoulders, she would have to bear it no matter what he did, no matter what he said. After so many years of carrying the blame, her pained shoulders & weary movements had grown natural. She’d feel lost without them, out of place in the family she’d hoped to call home for as many years as she’d been forced out of it. She wouldn’t fit in, like she was a missing puzzle piece in the picture of her childhood, but they’d moved on to a new photo as she’d entered adulthood. She was no longer wanted nor needed, even if she was invited back in. 

But who was she to deny his help, even if she didn’t believe it would work? She would never be able to rejoin them, not fully, but if he felt better playing devil’s advocate ( or rather, Emma’s advocate ) ——- then who was she to stop him? Her misery didn’t have to equal his, no matter how angry she was. He deserved a home, even if he’d left it. Even if she was kept out and he took her place. She didn’t quite fit there any more anyway. ( SHE WONDERED IF SHE EVER HAD. ) 

❝     YEAH, whatever you want.     ❞ The words felt slimy in her mouth and she could almost feel them creating a puddle on the ground. It made her feel manipulative, snakelike, to create some sort of semblance of forgiveness from her, and a LIE that perhaps his work would help bring them back together again. His smile was another stab to the chest, so maybe the bile rising in her throat was blood, and what came out next matched it’s red stain. ❝     I’m glad you’re trying.     ❞( SHE WASN’T. ) 

      Lips press into a TIGHT line, thoughts consisting of REDEMPTION and ANXIETY in confrontation with one another. There was no winner, empty notions simply piling at the forefront of his mind to be RECYCLED until a sliver of a SOLUTION came into play. Instead of considering the situation unfixable, he’d continued to mend. He would let it break and mend it again, over and over until every single CHANCE was spent. It was the HOPE in him, the DANGEROUS spirit that was flickered into the blood of the Phillip’s family. 

      He’s not daft, IGNORANT perhaps, but he knows how to read tone. He’s been trained to do it, if not as a father then as an ACTOR. Both a mentor to students and under the consistent study of HIMSELF, what she says doesn’t quite align. He could make it FIT, take it at face value and squeeze hope from it like juice from a DRY lemon but he won’t. So, instead of a smile or taking her FAUX acceptance as a sign to let his shoulders de-tense just for a moment, he nods. Any semblance of his previous smile DISAPPEARS into thin air, and instead of reassurance he finds an EQUILIBRIUM. In the cold, fatigued stares and DEAD, loose words. 

       The father puts his hands back into his pockets, subtly takes a step BACK. He won’t breach boundaries again, she’s given more than he deserves purely in the fact that she’s GIVEN. Whether it was for her own sake to stand her GROUND and voice years of unsaid words, she STAYS, and it’s enough for him to be INDEBTED. 

       “ You know where to find me. I won’t show up at your work again.” He takes a moment to look around, and he wants to smile.TEACHING. Following in the footsteps of a father who was never there, almost UNCANNY. “ A family dinner might not be in the cards for a while but, I’d really like to see all three of you together. I’ll figure something out. PROMISE. ” Teeth bite into the his bottom lip, he’d told himself not to make any promises. “ And Emma ? You’ve got me now. ENTIRELY. ”

[ninadobrevdaily]