'One Light Left In Heaven' - Chapter 24 - New Mistakes
Word Count: 7724
Warnings: 18+ ONLY, smut, angst, drinking, swearing, general filth and a dash of heartbreak.
A/N: The continuing saga of Brian and Jayne. Get some popcorn.
It's brutal that it took this long to get this chapter out; I hope someone is still reading this fic. And, I promise, it won't always be this angsty, guys. Upon us all a little rain must fall.
Two days later.
They needed to leave the house by six in the morning in order to make Brian's nine o'clock flight to the US.
By one in the morning, neither one of them had been able to sleep. Jayne tried to be still through the night, as Brian tossed and turned next to her. She heard him muttering whispered curses to himself as he rolled on to his side, kicking the blankets off of his feet. Nothing had improved between them over the last couple of days. Brian seemed to have started to give up on them, something he promised her he would never do.
Jayne stayed quiet, trying to allow him to fall asleep, but he kept kicking his feet and sighing. Gingerly, she reached out and ran her fingers through his hair, hoping to help him relax. She was terrified at the possibility of his rejection. His back stiffened slightly, but just briefly, before he exhaled deeply. She sunk her fingertips deeper into the long curls at the back of his head, lazily letting her fingers trail through his hair.
After a few minutes of Jayne's persistence, she heard him hum quietly in appreciation. It was just a small gesture; her playing with his hair in an effort to help him relax, but it seemed to work. His feet settled and his breathing evened out. Jayne would have been happy to do it until he fell asleep, because she loved him so much, but eventually he rolled over to face her. She pulled her arm back, not wanting to invade his space. She hated that she felt she had to suddenly give him space. But Brian reached up and caught her arm by her wrist, and brought her fingers to his lips, kissing each one.
The winter moon cast its light on his face, and she could see that his eyes had fluttered closed, as he parted his lips and gently ran his teeth over each of her fingertips. He lingered at her ring finger, pressing his lips to the stones on her engagement ring. His eyes opened again and he brought his hand to the back of her head, gently pulling her towards him. He inhaled as if to catch his breath, and kissed her. Finally. The way she had been longing for him to kiss her for more than a week. Like he loved her.
He brought his body close to hers as he continued to kiss her, his tongue gently running over her lips before finding hers. He pushed himself against her, his hand moving from the back of her head to her jaw, while his thumb drifted back and forth over her cheek. He pulled away and looking into her eyes, his lips having parted, he eased her on to her back and lifted her t shirt over her head and threw it to the side. His eyes moved from hers then, downwards to her breasts. He lowered his head and began to kiss her softly over her chest, and cupping her breast in one hand he licked at her, humming now and then as he did. Jayne had threaded her fingers in his hair, and when her back arched under his touch, he hooked his fingers into the waistband of her panties and slid them off of her legs. His fingers went to her core, causing her to moan his name quietly, her head turned to the side. She could feel him rutting against her thigh as he moved his lips from one breast to the other.
Finally, he lifted his head and took his fingers away from her body. He rid himself his boxers, and he guided her hand down to his cock, already hard, the tip wet with pre cum. He groaned, eyes closing as she pumped him slowly, her thumb moving over the tip now and then.
He moved his body on top of hers, gently coaxing her thighs apart enough for him to settle between them, and he rutted his hard length against her as he placed his hands on either side of her head and kissed her more lovingly than he had in a long time. Brian could feel how hot and wet she was against his cock, and he had to work hard at controlling himself; to refrain from just plunging himself into her like he wanted to. He knew how badly she wanted him, how much she loved him by the way she responded to his touch; to his kisses. He placed soft but short kisses against her lips, and finally lifted his face enough to look at her. The full moon illuminating her features well enough that he could see tears pricking the corners of her eyes. Jayne ran her fingers through his hair again, moving a stray curl out of his eyes, then resting her hands on his shoulders.
"I love you, Jayne..so much. I want you to know that before I leave.." His voice was low, steady and unhurried.
"I love you too, Brian. I will always love you." She answered, swallowing her tears.
With that, he cupped her jaw with his hand as he pushed himself slowly inside her. His eyes closed briefly and he exhaled, then pushed himself a little deeper, giving her the time her body needed to accommodate him. Once he was fully sheathed inside her, he kissed her again and then began to pump in and out of her. He kept his pace languid, pulling nearly all the way out before pushing back in; wanting to feel every bit of Jayne, every contraction of her muscles around his cock. Her hands had gone to his hips, resting there and allowing him to set the pace. Jayne was completely submitting herself to him, and he noticed and appreciated it. He made love to her the way he wanted to, and her mewls took him closer and closer to the ecstasy he chased with her.
He whispered in her ear, his forehead glistening with sweat.
"Cum with me, love. Let go with me....just once more."
Jayne nearly came apart at the sound of his words. Finally.
His pace quickened then, signaling her that he was getting close, which only pushed her to the edge, and she gasped out his name while he felt her clamping down around him. His moans became more desperate then; and pushing himself inside as deep as he could, his thrusts having gotten faster, he came with her, keeping his arms wrapped tightly around her back so that his chest pressed against hers. Jayne could feel his heat spilling deep inside her as he moaned and breathed heavily next to her ear. His curls brushing her against neck with his thrusts.
He held himself deep inside Jayne as they came down from the mutual high, and he kissed her forehead, telling her breathlessly that he would love her forever, no matter what. He nuzzled his nose and face against hers, supporting his weight on his elbows next to her shoulders now. He moved to pull out, but Jayne pressed her hips up against his, and shook her head.
"Not yet, Bri...please...just another minute, okay?"
"Okay, love." He kissed her again, memorizing her face with his fingers and hands.
After a few quiet moments, he withdrew himself, rolled to his back and gathered her up in his arms to rest against his chest. He ran his fingers through her hair now; while she placed occasional kisses to his chest.
Eventually he turned onto his side to face her, wrapping his arms and legs around her, tucking her face into the space between his chin and his chest. They fell asleep quickly like that, and when the alarm went off a few hours later, neither one of them had moved.
They showered together, Brian washing Jayne's hair the way he loved to do, and then got dressed in silence.
The car ride to the airport was quiet as well, neither one of them having the words to verbalize the storm of emotions they both were experiencing.
Too soon, it came time to part ways. Brian put his hands on Jayne's arms, and squeezed gently. She looked up at him, her eyes teary and dark, while his looked into hers with sadness and uncertainty. They shared a long kiss, and then Brian took a step back from her.
"I love you, baby, I always will." Jayne told him.
"I love you too, Jayne." His response was simple, spoken quietly and lacking in passion.
With that, he turned and walked away from her down the long corridor to the waiting airplane. She waited for him to turn around and blow her a kiss like he always would, but he didn't stop. He turned the corner without even looking back.
Jayne felt her heart break; he had purposely called her by her name, rather than 'love', and he hadn't responded to her profession of love the way he always had before; that he had always loved her. He omitted all of it, and left her gutted in the airport.
Jayne turned and ran to the nearest bathroom and got sick in the toilet stall. When she came out, she splashed cold water on her face and stared in the mirror at her reflection. It would be three months before she would see Brian again and now she felt unsure if he would even call to talk to her every day or so. She drove back home again that cold January morning feeling as though her soul had abandoned her.
"I wish that we could find the words to look the other way,
Be careful of the things we do and everything we say..
And maybe then we'd get somewhere we've never been before,
Oh, what's the use of fighting when you know you've lost the war?
I know, you're already gone…"
When Jayne got back home mid morning, she put her pajamas on and got back in bed. She rested her head on Brian's pillow, breathing in his scent. She wrapped the blanket tightly around her body and cried herself to sleep. She spent the remainder of the day in bed, not eating, only getting up to use the bathroom.
Brian didn't call home once he'd landed in the States. He got himself settled into his hotel room with a bottle of vodka and sat in the chair, staring at the phone. He was jet lagged, angry and heartbroken. Finally, when he had numbed his senses with enough alcohol, he crawled into the bed and fell asleep. Tomorrow would be a busy day of interviews, sound checking and then the opening concert. This would be his life for the next ninety days and nights.
He called Jayne only a couple of times a week, mostly because he hadn't much to say, or couldn't find the words he wanted to say. In order to cope, he'd begun to drink more than he normally would.
At first, Roger was thrilled to have Brian as his new drinking buddy. He would talk Brian into attending every after party and the two of them would stay up getting drunk until eventually Roger would disappear with a groupie or two for the night. Days turned into weeks, and soon they were nearing the end of the tour.
Until eventually one morning near the completion of the tour, Roger banged relentlessly on Brian's hotel room door, yelling that he wanted him to go get coffee and breakfast with him. It was a rare day off, and it was almost eleven in the morning.
"Brian! Open the door! Let's go get a fucking coffee! Open up!"
When Brian finally opened the door with just his boxers on, and a hand on his pounding head, he only opened it a crack, squinting at Roger through his hangover. Roger squinted back from behind his sunglasses, and pushed the door open, barging his way into Brian's room.
"Christ Brian, how the hell is it that I'm up and dressed before you? C'mon, the only thing that's gonna get rid of my headache is a strong coffee like Jayne used to make for us at the coff……"
Roger's words dropped off suddenly when he saw a young woman grabbing her purse and fixing her hair as she approached them. She went up on her tiptoes and kissed Brian's cheek before slipping between them to leave the hotel room, giggling at Roger on her way out. She turned around and waved, and cooed a flirty "Bye Brian!" and she was gone.
Roger lifted his sunglasses and stared at Brian in disbelief.
"Who was that then?!" He demanded
Brian shrugged his shoulders as if to say he didn't know or couldn't remember and turned away from Roger.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now, Brian?!!"
"Please, Rog, my head is killing me…"
"Nevermind your head, Brian, I'll fucking kill you myself! Did you spent the night with that girl?"
"Like you have to ask, Roger? What does it look like?"
Brian made his way into the bathroom to take a shower, but Roger followed him.
"Do you mind, Rog? I need a shower."
"I'm sure you do! You fucking jackass, what the hell is wrong with you?"
Brian stepped into the shower, and after pulling the curtain closed, he threw his boxers over the top and turned on the water. Roger's berating voice was loud and clear over the sound of the water. Brian closed his eyes as he let the water wash over him, and he let Roger tear a strip off of him. He knew he deserved it.
"Have you any idea, Brian, how badly you've just fucked up?! Is this the first time?"
Brian didn't answer as he washed the night and the random girl off of him.
Roger yanked the shower curtain back and screamed at him again.
"I asked you if that was the first time you've cheated on Jayne! Fucking answer me!"
"No! It's not! Now if you don't mind, I'd like a little privacy!!"
Brian yanked the shower curtain back, and Roger left the bathroom, stunned.
He lit a cigarette and sat down in the chair, waiting for Brian to finish. Roger was fuming inside. This leg of the tour would be ending soon, and they'd all be home again in about two weeks. He drummed his fingers impatiently on the table while he waited. Suddenly Roger's headache was ten times worse.
Brian came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist; frowning as he pawed through his suitcase for something clean to wear. Roger held his tongue while he waited.
The two of them went to a little coffee shop nearby, which was fairly empty so they could have their coffee in relative peace. Roger didn't say anything until they'd sat down together.
"You know Brian, I'd like to knock your teeth out right now, if I'm being honest." Roger said through clenched teeth.
Brian exhaled hard and ran his hands over his face, leaving one clamped over his mouth and looked away. Finally he nodded and muttered "I know.. "
"So what the fuck then, mate?" Roger demanded, leaning back in his chair, his palms up on the table. "How long?"
Brian shook his head and wrapped his fingers around the coffee mug, looking down into it.
"Just on this tour ...never before that. Just a few times, maybe."
"Fucking hell, Brian...why??"
"I don't know Roger!..Jayne and I just...we've been having some problems, you know? Just some life decisions that we don't see eye to eye on. I've been so bloody angry with her…" Brian was exasperated but so guilt ridden.
"Jesus christ, you two always disagree! We all knew that years ago! She's feisty, Brian, that's part of what makes you guys such a good team. Did she cheat on you? Fuck some other guy?" Roger looked at him expectantly, hoping for a good answer.
"No! Don't say shit like that to me! She's never been disloyal to me."
"Well, you've certainly fucked up and taken the easy way out. Fuck, I'd like to beat the shit out of you right now…" Roger seethed and looked away from Brian.
"Promise me you'll never tell her, Rog. Promise me."
Brian looked desperately at him, as if he'd suddenly just remembered how close Roger and Jayne were.
"You'll tell her yourself, Brian." Roger spat the words out, "So help me if you put me in the middle of your shit show! If she didn't fuck someone else…"
Roger could see Brian physically cringe at his words, so he repeated them for effect:
"If she didn’t fuck someone else, I can't think of what else she could have done to deserve what you've done to her now, and more than once. Did you at least use condoms, you fucking idiot?”
“Yeah...of course…” Brian replied, unable to meet Roger’s stare.
"Fucking christ, Brian….I sure as hell wouldn't want to be you when Jayne finds out. And don't fucking ask me for help when she rips you apart, because I'll probably help her do it! You fucking wanker!"
After Roger finished admonishing Brian properly, he drank his coffee in silence for a while. He could barely look at Brian. He got up from the table and picked up the syndicated morning paper from the stand near the front door, and sat back down at the table to flip through it, to avoid looking at Brian. Roger's mouth fell open and he stopped flipping pages.
"What is it, Roger?" Brian asked over his coffee mug.
Roger tried to make his words come out, but his mouth just closed. He swallowed and opened his mouth again.
"What?!" Brian was irritated and getting impatient.
"Oh...you are way more fucked now than you were before…" Roger's voice was low as he shoved the open paper across the table towards Brian.
Brian's eyes widened, the colour draining from his face, and his hands covered his face after skimming the article in question.
"Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck!" He whispered from behind his hands.
The headline was there for, quite literally, all the world to see:
"Queen's Brian May - Girls, Girls, Girls!"
The article itself was littered with photographs of him with different women, some depicting him simply being friendly and signing autographs, but there were a couple of photos that were obvious, and damning evidence of his infidelity. They left no room for questions. It told of his heavy partying after each show, and how friendly he had been with a few 'lucky girls'.
Roger pressed his lips together and stared at Brian.
"You realise that this is an international newspaper, don't you Brian? Why weren't you being more careful, for christ's sake?"
Brian nodded and took his hand from his mouth.
"Yeah...I'm fucked."
"Does Jayne read the paper?"
"Every morning...gets delivered right to the house."
Brian slammed his fist on the table, earning a dirty look from the barista behind the counter.
"So, if my math is anywhere as good as yours, and factoring in the time change, she's probably already seen this." Roger deduced and Brian could only nod in agreement.
"When is the last time you even called her? We've been partying pretty hard lately."
"Ugh ...three days ago, I think? Shit, I can't even remember, Rog. I honestly don't even know what city we're in right now."
Roger leaned forward now, pushing his coffee mug aside. He took the paper from Brian and folded it so that the offending article was hidden away.
"Look, you have to call her. Today. Just play it by ear; go with your gut, yeah?"
Brian clenched his fists and nodded. His anxiety was at an all time high.
"And lay off the booze. And no more women, alright?"
"Yeah...you're right...okay."
"I mean...that is, assuming you want to save what's left of your relationship with Jayne...or your pending marriage." Roger qualified and sat back in his chair.
Brian went cold, his face pale at the thought.
"She's going to call it off. If I know Jayne, she's gonna call it all off! Fuck! I'm gonna lose her for good this time…how many days until we go home, Rog?"
Brian had tears in his eyes, fighting to hold them back.
"Ten, maybe nine, if I'm not mistaken." Roger was doing his best to be supportive, but he still really wanted to kill Brian.
~~~~~
Jayne didn't bother to get out of the bath when she heard the phone ring for the one hundredth time that evening. She knew it was Brian. She'd read the morning paper that day, too. Part of her had wanted to talk to Roger, but deep down she knew that he would probably only cover for Brian. That's how it went with the ‘bro code’, and she knew it, no matter how close she and Roger were.
She sat in the bath drinking the whiskey straight from the bottle, and she was a little over a quarter of the way through it before the phone rang, yet again. She closed her eyes and sank her head into the bubbles and beneath the water. She held her breath for as long as she thought it would take for the phone to stop ringing. When she came back up, pushing her hair back from her face, it was quiet again. Thank God.
It was midnight when Jayne finally pulled the plug in the bathtub. The water had gone cold, and she was drunk. Angry and drunk. She dried herself off and went into the bedroom to put some pajamas on. She found herself slamming the dresser drawers shut, and she began to cry again out of anger and frustration. Brian's betrayal, repeated betrayal, had wounded her so deeply that she was beyond numb. Instead, it was as though she could feel everything, and it was torturous. The whiskey was helping but it also fed her wrath.
She sat cross legged on the bed with the bottle for a while, staring at nothing. The windows were dark, and the night had warmed slightly with the coming of spring. Suddenly she got up, slammed the bottle down on the nightstand and began to empty all of her clothes out of her dresser. She carried armful after armful of clothing across the house and into the spare bedroom, swearing and crying as she went back and forth. She dumped the piles of clothes on the floor at the end of the spare bed, and went back into what, in her mind, was now Brian's bedroom and retrieved the whiskey bottle.
Jayne slipped on a hoodie and a pair of shoes and stepped outside. She leaned on the porch railing, and lit a cigarette. She had quit long ago, but kept a pack of them around for god only knows what reason. Tonight, she was thankful that she did. The snow was mostly melted now, and the air smelled less like winter. She avoided looking up at the stars.
She inhaled deeply and after her exhale, she had a drink. Her mind was reeling, and the alcohol she had on board made her feel destructive. She fought the urge to smash the photo of herself and Brian, the one taken right here at the river, long before he'd built the house here for them. In all honesty, it took every ounce of control she had in her to not destroy the house, starting with smashing all the windows.
Jayne finished the cigarette and went back into the house, slamming the door behind her. She didn't notice the chill in the air, or how cold she'd gotten being outside with wet hair in the middle of the night.
The phone rang again.
This time, Jayne lost all control and carrying the bottle in one hand she stomped to the living room and grabbed the phone.
"What do you want!?" She seethed into the receiver.
"Jayne?" Brian's voice on the other end sounded small and so very far away.
"Expecting another girl to answer?" She said bitterly.
"Uh...God..I guess you saw the papers?"
Jayne rolled her eyes and drank again.
"No shit, Brian."
"I..I'm sorry..for what it's worth...I'm so sorry. I don't know what ..."
"You're only sorry you got caught. I'm not stupid." She hissed at him through the phone.
"No..I swear...I don't know why I've done this. I'm not coping properly. Please, love, don't leave me." She could hear him crying, but she stayed silent.
"Love?" He sobbed into the phone.
Jayne went cold and didn't say anything for a few seconds.
"Don't call me that. Ever again. My name is Jayne." She whispered, too angry to cry.
Brian sobbed as her words registered in his mind. After a moment he did his best to collect himself.
"Are you still wearing your ring?"
Jayne glanced down at her fingers that had been wrapped around the neck of the whiskey bottle.
"At the moment, yes. Thanks for the reminder."
"Please, please don't take it off, love. I'll be home in ten days and we'll work this out. Promise me?" Panic was evident in his voice.
"Fuck you, Brian May."
Jayne said the words coldly and then slammed the phone back down on the receiver.
She followed the cord from the back of the phone to the wall and ripped it out with such force that it was beyond repair. Then she went into the bedroom and unplugged that one, then the one in the spare bedroom. Methodically, she then went into Brian's study and unplugged that phone too, just as it began to ring. The house was finally silent again.
She went to the fireplace mantle and looked at that photo of her and Brian briefly before pushing it face down. She did the same with the one in the bookcase in the spare room. She went to the storage closet and dug out her biggest suitcase, and dropped it on the floor in Brian's bedroom after unzipping it. She stared at the open suitcase, not sure where to begin. The whiskey had made her thoughts disconnected and she was vaguely aware that she didn't have the capacity to be productive tonight. She was utterly exhausted.
She stood on Brian's side of the bed, and spun the engagement ring on her finger a few times. As she slowly slipped it off of her finger she began to cry silently. Then she undid the clasp on the amber choker necklace that Brian had given to her that first night at the river, and ran her fingertips over the stones. She opened the drawer of his nightstand and dropped both items inside. After closing it again she turned and went to the spare bedroom, leaving the open whiskey bottle in the living room. She curled up under the blankets and closed her eyes, her head reeling and her heart feeling like it might stop inside her chest.
Well I take my time,
Never notice changes anyway,
But lately I've been waking up to
All that we've done, the change that has come
There's just no escaping the damage we do
But we get along,
Going through our paces in the world,
And maybe I could always be fooled,
But you brought me here, you're making it clear;
You're taking the veil I look through.
Well I'm coming down hard,
And I just can't stop myself,
And no matter what I pretend,
Or which scene I choose, it's just no use
We're already reaching the end..
Love never lies,
Love never sneaks around at night;
Love won't turn its back on you when you turn out the light,
Love won't ever walk away carelessly,
That's the way that love is, darling,
Not the way it is for you and me.
Jayne awoke late the next day sick to her stomach with a raging hangover. Thankfully she had taken the day off work. She spent the day clearing her belongings out of Brian's bedroom, and moving them to the spare room. She put the suitcase in her closet; her mind was far too muddy to try to sort everything out at once. At one point in the day, she took the framed photo of her and Brian from the mantle, and hurled it into the cold fireplace, breaking the glass in the frame. She fully intended on having a fire later in the evening.
She decided that she would just focus on work, picking up extra shifts to stay busy. One afternoon, she took a long lunch break and walked from the hospital to a nearby car dealership. She nursed a coffee while she looked at some of the cars on the lot for something to occupy her mind and time. It occurred to her that she and Brian were still sharing that little old Volvo of his, and it no longer made sense to her. On the spot, she chose a vehicle and bought herself her very first car. She would pick it up the next day. Jayne told herself that this was a step in the right direction, a step towards independence and it helped to take her mind off of Brian. She wanted a fast, powerful car and ended up in a black, 350 V8 Camaro. It suited her mindset and her personality.
Jayne had lost track of the days as they went by, she spent long hours at work, and then took long drives in the countryside, often coming home late in the evening. She loved the new car, the independence it gave her. And she loved its speed. Perhaps she was more like Roger than she realised.
One evening after work, the air was finally getting warmer and she left the hospital and hit the highway. She lit a cigarette, cranked the stereo up and drove for hours. It seemed to be the only thing that kept her from losing her mind. It was close to midnight that Friday when she screeched into the driveway, sending gravel flying, stereo blasting. She gunned the engine a few times and smiled to herself.
Finally, she grabbed her coat and bag from the seat beside her and exited the car. Her cigarette dangled from her lips as she spun the ring of keys in the air on her finger. She leaned against the car while she finished her smoke and after squashing it under her boot, she went up the porch steps and let herself into the house. She didn't remember leaving the lights on when she'd left early that morning. But, she shrugged it off, thinking that given her state of mind lately, that it was entirely possible that she had.
Jayne threw her bag on the floor by the front door, and kicked off her boots. She pulled her socks off and shoved them inside her boots. She went to the fridge and grabbed the bottle of wine she'd been saving all week. It was Friday night and she planned on having a hot bath and as much wine as she could possibly consume. She pulled the cork out of the bottle with her teeth.
"Ow, fuck….." She muttered through the pain, touching her tooth.
She kicked the door of the fridge shut with her foot as she went past, taking a long drink of wine straight from the bottle. She didn't bother with glasses anymore when she drank. She also noticed that her scrubs had been getting a bit loose on her frame in the last week or so. Whatever.
She put the bottle down on the counter and exhaled, letting the stress of the day leave her lungs. It was then, when she looked up that she noticed Brian's tall silhouette in his bedroom doorway, across the living room, just watching her. He was leaning against the doorframe, hands shoved in the pockets of his hoodie that was obviously too small for him.
She froze, not at all expecting to see him there. She had stopped counting down the days until his return weeks ago, and had clearly lost track. She set her jaw, picked the wine bottle up and marched towards the spare room that she had moved into. She slammed the door shut behind her and suddenly felt panicked. She wasn't prepared to face Brian.
Jayne paced her room, praying that he would just take the hint and leave her alone. She didn't know it, but he had watched and heard her pull up to the house in that new car; watched her smoke that cigarette before she came in. He felt responsible for all of it.
Brian stayed in the bedroom doorway, and looked down, kicking at the carpet with his foot. He had to face her. He wanted to, only because he missed her terribly these past three months, but he was so scared. The longest part of the tour was over, and now he would be home for two months, only playing shows around the UK and Europe for a month after that. He was trying to figure out how to make the next two months work. He decided to give her a little bit of time to herself before approaching her; clearly she was surprised to see him.
Jayne changed out of her scrubs and put on her pajama bottoms and a long sleeved t-shirt. Again, without a wine glass, she tipped the bottle back against her lips and drank. As a pathologist, it made her laugh out loud when she imagined how her liver and lungs must look these days. But she didn't really care anymore.
Jayne sat on her bed, legs outstretched and rested her head against the wall behind her. She was hungry, but didn't dare venture out to go to the kitchen; she didn't want to run into Brian. She didn't know if she might get violent or break down in tears. She felt like an absolute fool; and the pain in her heart was almost unbearable.
She got up and put on a record; some early T.Rex, and sat back on her bed again. The record was nearly done playing the second side when there came a gentle knock on her door, startling her and making her pulse increase. She chose not to answer. "Maybe he'll just go away.." she thought to herself. But she knew that Brian was nothing if not persistent.
Brian knocked on her door again, and waited. He could hear music playing quietly behind the door, but he also knew that Jayne could hear him knocking. Finally, he took a deep breath and opened her door anyway.
"Can I come in, love?" He had his head and shoulders in the doorway, his hand resting on the doorknob.
Jayne didn't look at him. She couldn't. She kept her eyes forward, focusing on regulating her breathing like she had taught herself to do years ago.
"Don't call me that." She muttered loud enough for him to hear.
He hung his head for a second, then took a few steps into the bedroom.
"We have to talk, Jayne." He was terrified but trying to be brave.
Jayne chewed on the inside of her cheek and barely shook her head. The outside of the wine bottle was cold and wet against her hands.
"Please look at me?" He implored, venturing another step closer.
She shook her head again and brought her knees to her chest, making herself smaller than she had already become, holding the wine bottle at her side. "Christ, he's got a lot of nerve…" Jayne thought to herself. She could feel the rage bubbling up in her chest.
"Brian, just fuck off." She said through gritted teeth.
Brian sighed heavily and left the room, leaving the door open a bit. He returned a few moments later and walked on in. He approached her beside her bed, and set down a plate of buttered toast on her nightstand.
"You're obviously not eating again. Have you eaten today, love?" He stood only a couple of feet from where she sat.
Finally she turned her head and looked up at him. Her eyes pierced into his own.
"I said, don't call me that, Brian! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Her voice was raised.
He shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and looked at the floor. She turned her face away from him again; the first glimpse of him, no matter how badly he'd wounded her, sent a wave of emotion through her. Half of her heart was dead to him, but the other half ...the other half melted at the sight of him. He looked tired. Guilty as hell. But he was still beautiful to her, and she hated herself for it.
"Can I sit on the bed with you?" He asked carefully.
"Do whatever the fuck you want, Brian. I don't care anymore." She replied coolly and had a drink.
He sat down in the middle of the bed, facing her, hoping to block the view ahead of her. She looked away, to the side of the room. He crossed his legs under himself and took the wine bottle from her with a little effort. He looked at the label and then brought the bottle to his lips. He'd kept his promise to Roger, and to himself. He hadn't had a drink in weeks. And he'd been sleeping alone.
He set the bottle on the bed between their crossed ankles, holding it with his fingers. He studied her face as she kept her gaze focused on anything but him. She read the titles on the spines of each book in the shelf across the room, then went back to the beginning of the rows and started counting the number of books in her head.
Brian tapped lightly on her ankle in front of him, trying to get her attention. She recoiled her legs at his touch; his heart heavy as his fingers fell to the bed as she pulled away.
Jayne took the wine bottle from him, took a long drink and then leaned over to put it on the nightstand. The wet bottle had left a dark circle on the blanket between the two of them. She wiped her hands dry on her pajamas bottoms, up and down her thighs, then left her hands in her lap, still refusing to look at him.
Brian watched her hands, then watched them move over her thighs. He felt a twinge low in his belly but suppressed his instinct to move on her.
It was then that he noticed the absence of her engagement ring. His eyes travelled up and saw nothing around her throat, where the amber necklace had always been. He felt as though he'd had the wind knocked out of him then.
"Where is your ring, Jayne? And your necklace?" He asked, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. He was so exhausted.
"In the nightstand. In your bedroom." Jayne still wouldn't look at him.
He took his hands from his eyes, wet with tears, and stared at her in disbelief.
"My bedroom?? What do you mean, my bedroom?!"
"Go away, Brian. You're bugging me." Her tone was cold and unemotional.
Brian sat stunned, his mouth opening and then closing briefly the way he had a habit of doing when he was searching for words. He reached out and put both of his hands on her biceps in a desperate effort to make her communicate with him.
"I will not go away, dammit Jayne, talk to me!"
Jayne pulled herself away from him and stood up on the bed, hopping down to the floor quickly.
"Don't you dare touch me, Brian! I don't owe you anything!" Her voice was raised and her anger threatened to spill over. She rubbed her arms where his hands had been.
Brian stood up on the floor too, holding his hands up, in an attempt to appease her.
"Okay..alright..but please, just talk to me."
"Okay fine. I'll talk to you. You treated me like shit the last week you were home, remember that? You left me here feeling unloved and unworthy. Then, you have the fucking nerve to go out and fuck god knows how many women on tour, when you promised me you'd never disrespect me like that; while I waited for you at home with a goddamn ring on my finger!! I trusted you, I was stupid enough to believe every fucking word you ever said to me! You're a fucking bastard, Brian and you obviously turned out to be my 'new' mistake...and I think that about sums it up, don't you?!" Her chest heaved when she finally finished yelling at him.
Brian let his tears slip down his cheeks and nodded. Jayne walked towards him, making her way to leave the room, when he put himself between her and the door. He shook his head.
"No, we're not done talking." He'd brought his hands up and around her arms again.
She fought against him, trying to pull her arms away, but he wouldn't let her go.
"Let me go, Brian! There's nothing left to say!"
"No! We have to talk about this!" The desperation in his voice was evident.
"Fine! We'll talk, but just get your fucking hands off of me!"
He let her go then, his arms at his sides. She stood there, and crossed her arms in front of him.
"Don't ever try to touch me again. Not after what you've done. Understand me?" She hissed the words at him.
Brian just hung his head, staring at the floor, wiping his eyes with one hand.
"I want you to put your ring back on..please."
"No. No way." Jayne almost laughed at his presumption. "Your sense of entitlement is really quite impressive, you know that?"
He lifted his head to face her now.
"Please. I'm begging you. I don't want you to leave me."
"And I didnt want you to cheat on me. But you did. So, that's your bedroom and this is mine, until I can get my shit together enough to move out, which should be soon."
She stated her words firmly as she pointed out the doorway towards what used to be their shared bedroom.
"You say we don't live together,
We just share the same house.
Funny how you took the words
Right out of my mouth..
My tongue is tied
And at this point there ain't much difference
Between the leaving,
And the left behind."
Brian blinked at her several times, his face wet from his tears.
"Can't we at least try to work this out, Jayne? I'm beyond sorry for what I've done...I lost myself...I lost my way and it wasn't because I don't love you. We have to try.. I adore you, Jayne…"
"Stop talking, Brian." She was warning him. Jayne was fighting tears and she didn't want her heart to soften yet again.
"...I have always adored you, I was reminded of that when I realised the damage I was doing. I was drinking far too much, trying to forget the pain I was feeling about us...about me pushing you to start a family, and I realise now that that was wrong of me. Please say you'll forgive me? I can't do any of this without you, love."
Jayne had turned her back to him when she started to cry, but he kept moving everytime she turned away from him, to stand in front of her as he apologised over and over to her. He did his best to not touch her.
"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that, Brian?" She sobbed into her hands.
"I'll always call you that. You are my love...you're my heart...you're my everything."
"I'm tired, Brian. I just want to go to bed, okay? You're just going to have to figure out how to do it all without me now. Please, just leave me alone."
Brian nodded, and then held his hand out for her to take so that he could bring her to bed with him, but she shook her head and took a step back. His breath hitched as he stifled his emotions, realizing just how serious she was this time.
"Okay...god Jayne...this is so..fucked up...I guess I'll see you in the morning?"
"Or not. Whatever."
Jayne crossed her arms waiting for him to leave her room. He took the hint and left her finally, glancing back as he crossed the expanse of living room. She had never seen such sadness in his eyes before.
You better get your ass back up on this platform, I need to know what happens next 😱
Yes Ma'am/Sir!!!!! So so soooo sorry 😞 I'm here, I'll have a new NM chapter out really soon, and the next one for Bri and Sheila is half written! I don't know where I've been either but I'm not gone! xx
that latest chapter of new mistakes was wonderful. so raw and vulnerable and intense - you truly are incredible at what you do! sending you all the love and goodness you could possibly receive <3
Thank you so very much💙 I'm certainly glad that I still have a few readers out there, and being that I adore all of your writings, your praise means a lot to me!
I'll take all the love and good vibes I can get, too! xx
I’m sorry you had to go through that 😞 now I feel bad about sending dumbass messages begging you to come back
Thank you, sweet anon 💙 and please don't feel bad; your messages actually really helped me to lift my head again. To know that somebody out there missed my silly, angst filled fics actually motivated me to keep moving ng forward! I love you for it!! xoxo
It's been a bloody long time since I've posted. The past 10 months of my life have dealt me heartbreak and my best friend's suicide. But, I'm back and the need to write has returned.
Having said that, I wanna state that this chapter takes a turn, and we fast forward a little in time, given my absence. Things get rocky. Just like irl. Sometimes, even our fiction reflects reality. She's deep, folks. Love to all.
Word Count: maybe 6500?
Warnings: SMUT, super angst, some fluff, pretty sad stuff, but we've still got Bri smut, haven't we?
Another whole year had passed since Brian’s marriage proposal; another New Years Eve, another world tour just around the corner. This one would take the band to North America first, which would see them gone for three months before a six week break in the spring.
It was a week into January already, and Brian would be set to leave in less than a few days time. He had been more irritable than usual since before New Year's, and as much as Jayne tried to get him to open up and talk to her about his mood, he seemed unable to do so. She was losing her patience with him, but wanted to sort out whatever his issues were before his departure. He had been very needy, demanding and cranky for a little over two weeks.
"I've got to get ready for work now, Bri." Jayne patted his chest as she freed himself from his arms.
He grumbled something inaudible as he let his arm fall from her hip and onto the bed beneath him. Jayne padded into the bathroom, and leaving the door open, she turned on the shower. It was a cold January morning, and she looked forward to getting under the hot water.
"Why do you have to work today, Jayne? Can't you just stay home with me?" Brian called from the bedroom.
"I can't today. It's just for a few hours though, I'll be back a little after lunch."
"Call in sick."
Jayne popped her head around the bathroom doorway to see him sitting up in bed, rubbing his eyes and frowning.
"I can't call in sick, Bri. Honestly, just a half day today, alright? Go back to sleep maybe. You've hardly slept much lately anyway."
She offered him a weak smile, but it was not returned. Jayne disappeared back into the bathroom and he heard her step into the shower.
"I dont even fucking understand why you're working now anyway….fuck." Brian mumbled quietly.
He threw the blankets off of his legs and got up with a stretch. He was in a foul mood. Again. He was seriously lacking in sleep, Jayne was right about that. He went into the bathroom then, and stepped into the walk-in shower, closing the door behind him.
"Christ, Brian! You scared the hell out of me!" Jayne yelled, wiping the shampoo from her eyes, and swatting at his arms that had snaked around her middle from behind.
"Sorry ...let me wash your hair for you?"
"I've already done it, Bri." She replied as she soaped her body up.
Brian's frown only deepened and a flash of sadness graced his eyes at the rejection before he instead focused his vision on her body. He watched as the bubbles slid down her shoulders, her back and over her hips and ass. He hated leaving her to go on tour, but he hated watching her leave him to go to work each morning even more. He could see no point in it at all.
He waited until she had rinsed herself off before he pressed his fingers over her abdomen again, placing kisses on the curve of her shoulder from behind her. She made an attempt to pull away from his advances, but he held her tightly and didn't stop kissing her; up her neck now, lingering behind her ear.
"Bri, please ...I don't have time..I've got to go."
"No." He shook his head against hers.
She pulled at his forearms that were locked around her waist.
"Make time for me, Jayne. Please."
She softened a little under his grasp and turned around in his arms to face him.
"Bri…..we had last night, okay? I really can't do this right now."
He stared down at her, his cock already hard against her stomach as he pressed himself against her.
"Yes, you can. I want to do this with you as many times as we can before I have to leave again in a couple of days. Alright?"
Jayne sighed and looked away from him, she noticed how the water on the tile of the shower walls slipped downwards like tears.
He lifted her chin with his thumb and forefinger, and bent to kiss her. She hesitated for a second or two before she reciprocated his kiss. He noticed, and it only made him kiss her harder, pushing her back against the shower wall. She made a small sound of protest against his lips, but he ignored her and rutted his hips against her stomach, pinning her in place against the wall.
He lifted her up, his hands supporting her on the backs of her thighs. He hadn't pushed himself into her yet, but began to thrust enough so that his cock moved back and forth against her core. He continued to kiss her, stifling any further protests from her before he finally angled his hips to push his hard length inside her.
Jayne gasped at the sudden sensation of him stretching and filling her completely. He hadn't given her time to adjust to him. He thrust into her hard as she held onto his shoulders for stability. The tile on the wall behind her was too hard against her spine, causing stabs of pain with each of his thrusts.
She tightened her legs around his waist and rested her forehead against his shoulder, letting him have her. Brian groaned loudly, his head tilted back as he lost himself in the act of fucking her. He had become less aware of how hard he had Jayne pinned against the wall, or how deep his fingertips dug into the flesh of her thighs, leaving little bruises. Jayne whimpered against his shoulder, her eyes closed as she focused on the pleasure rather than the pain.
The sex with Brian had been more frequent and rougher since New Year's Eve. He hadn't made love to her since then, only fucking her every chance he got. He only called her by her name lately.
He shifted his hips, achieving a deeper angle inside her now, hitting her sweet spot with each hard thrust. Jayne gasped at the new feeling and felt her climax building. She came before him, clutching her fingers around the back of his neck, and when he followed with his own orgasm, he pounded into her relentlessly. He cursed and grunted next to her ear, and finally stilled his hips with one last hard and angry thrust. His forehead was against the shower wall as he panted, still holding her on him. It wasn't until the aftershocks of his own orgasm abated that he pulled out and set her back down on her feet. Jayne smiled up at him, her hands on his chest. He bent his head and gave her a chaste kiss on her lips. Not exactly the kiss she was expecting.
"Now you can go to work." He said flatly and turned his body away from her to commence his own shower.
She quietly cleaned herself up again behind him as he washed his hair. Jayne exited the shower feeling empty, her chest hollow. She didn't have time for this now. She pushed the heaviness downwards from her heart, to the pit of her stomach and got herself ready for work as quickly as possible. She'd probably be a few minutes late.
Brian was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea and the morning paper when she began to pull on her coat and gloves. He didn't look up from his paper when Jayne approached him. Car keys in hand, she leaned down and kissed his cheek.
"I'll be back soon, Bri. Just a little after lunch, alright?"
She waited for him to turn his head to look at her; kiss her or maybe smile at her, but he didn't take his eyes from the newspaper. He only nodded and sipped his Earl Grey.
Sighing, Jayne left the table and stepped into her boots.
"Bye, baby.."
"Bye."
Jayne got in the car and wept all the way into the city. She went through her short work day mechanically. When her shift ended, she went home as quickly as she could, only stopping to pick up cappuccinos for herself and for Brian.
She arrived home again just after lunch, as promised. Jayne stomped the snow off of her boots as she came in through the front door. The house was quiet, and seemingly empty. After hanging her coat, Jayne picked up both coffees and looked around. She called out to Brian, thinking he probably hadn't gone far, considering the fact that they still shared the one vehicle.
"In here." She heard him call back to her.
"In where??" She rolled her eyes and wondered to herself. The house wasn't exactly tiny. She made her way around the perimeter of the living room, peering into their empty bedroom, walking around the back of the large stone fireplace, and then finally saw him in his study at the back of the house.
Brian sat at an antique oak desk that he had recently acquired. It was heavy and gorgeous, with intricate carving at the corners and on the legs. Jayne leaned against the doorway holding the coffees, just admiring him for a moment. His head was tilted downwards, reading something that made him frown, his fingers shuffling between documents. He bit his lip in thought, pencil rolling between his fingers. He still kept his sideburns, which Jayne appreciated very much. Finally he looked up at her, a small smile on his face.
She pushed herself away from the doorway, taking his smile as an invitation to come in. She placed a cappuccino down on the desk in front of him, in a space where there wasn't a paper.
"Got you a coffee; what are you up to in here? Looks serious." She half teased with a smile.
He took a sip of the coffee and sighed.
"Thanks, this is good." He held the coffee up slightly, then leaned back in his chair. "I'm just going over all the numbers and making sure that the finances are in order before I leave."
"Ah. Well, is something wrong? You look concerned."
"That's kind of a loaded question, Jayne." He arched an eyebrow as he spoke.
"Why? What do you mean?" Jayne shifted her weight to her other foot as she stood in front of his desk, sipping the hot cappuccino.
Brian sighed heavily again, running his fingers back and forth over his forehead. Jayne frowned, sensing that the dam may very well be about to break, finally.
"How long have you been working at the hospital now, Jayne? Six months?"
"Yeah, about that. Why? I'm earning a decent wage; I'm contributing Brian, if that's what this is about?"
He shook his head and laughed, but it was not an amused kind of laughter.
"I don't expect you to be contributing anymore, Jayne. You don't have to be working. I don't want you to be working." He put his pencil down.
Jayne was stunned.
"Pardon me?"
"I said I don't want you to work. It isn't necessary."
Jayne laughed in disbelief, and looked around the room. The walls were lined with bookcases filled with a wide variety of tomes, mostly very old ones.
"It is necessary, Brian."
"Oh? In what sense?" He folded his arms over his chest.
"For the good of my mental health! Christ, Brian, why do you bother to work?"
"Because I have to. And I like what I do."
Jayne scoffed and shook her head.
"Look, I went to university for five years to get where I am now. I'm not about to waste my degree, I didn't bust my ass just for the fun of it. I also happen to like what I do."
"I realise that, but you can always come back to it later on. Right now, I'm telling you that I'd like you to be at home."
"And do what all day, exactly?!"
"Be a mother, that's what." His tone was determined.
Jayne blinked, completely stunned by his response and lack of concern for her reasons for working. Her mouth opened, and then closed again. She was at a loss for words.
"You're crazy, Brian." She sputtered before turning around and leaving the room.
He got up from his desk and followed her out into the living room. She put her coffee down on the table and shoved her hands into the pockets of her scrubs, curling her fingers into fists. He put his hand on her shoulder to turn her to face him.
"This conversation is not over, Jayne. Don't walk away from me." His brow was furrowed.
"Brian, I do not want to have this conversation again! You've been hounding me for what...more than two years about this!"
"Exactly! I think I've given you plenty of time to warm up to the idea of starting a family, and now that we're in a position to do it, financially and otherwise, you decide to go out and be a pathologist!"
Jayne narrowed her eyes at him.
"You will not try to make me feel guilty for going after my dreams! God knows I sure as hell don't do that to you! I did not just decide to go out and be a pathologist!! I worked hard for this, even after what happened with Nick, moving out of country and back again and finally getting that fucking degree, I'm not going to throw it away!"
"You can come back to it later, Jayne! We've been engaged for a year now, I told you then that I wanted last year to be our year, remember?"
"What exactly did that mean to you, Brian?"
"I wanted us to get married and start a family by now! Fuck, I'm nearly thirty years old, you're not far behind me; it's time we do this, I'm tired of waiting! You told me last July that we’d get married ‘soon’; it’s bloody January again!"
Brian's hands were clenched in fists at his sides now, completely exasperated.
"Is this what you've been so pissy about since before New Year's Eve, Brian? That it's been a whole year now and you haven't had every single one of your demands met?"
He huffed and ran his hands through his curls.
"What about what I want, Brian?! I have never once told you that I wanted to have kids! Not once! I agreed to marry you, but we never set a date. I wanted to be a doctor, and now that I finally am one, I think you're jealous! That's what I think this is about!"
"Oh for fucks sake! That's bullshit and you know it!" He was seething now.
"It would appear that I've touched a nerve. Interesting. Isn't it enough for you to be the big rockstar? To run this entire household and our lives with your money? Isn't that enough? To have women falling at your feet, the parties, the gold discs and all the accolades? Now you want more?! With no concern or respect for what I might want? You're a real piece of work, Brian May!"
Brian was beyond angry with her. Jayne's words hurt him deeply; she'd never spoken so cruelly to him before. He was so angry that didn't know if he wanted to hit something or cry. Maybe both.
"How is it not enough for you, Jayne, that I'm telling you that I want you to marry me, to have my children. That I want it to be you, despite all the 'women falling at my feet'?" He hissed the words at her, taking a step towards her.
Jayne held her ground.
"Is that a threat, Brian?" Her voice was lower now, her teeth almost clenched and now it was she who was fighting back tears.
"Oh Christ…" Brian put his hands on his hips and rolled his eyes. "Look, Deaky and Ronnie do just fine; they're happy, they're talking about having another baby…."
"Well, good for Deaky and Ronnie." She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, as she spoke the words with a measure of venom.
Brian looked at her for a long time then, the hurt in his eyes evident. He looked at the floor for a moment. When he looked up again, his tears fell silently.
"Why, Jayne? Why do you keep denying me?"
"You are far more traditional than I think you realise. I feel like you'd be happy to keep me at home, barefoot and pregnant, while you go off and tour the world. I want more out of life. Why can't you accept that?"
Brian shuddered, trying to stop his tears.
"I can accept it, Jayne...I just think that it would make more sense if we started a family now, while we're young, and then later on you can pursue your career, yeah?"
Jayne shook her head, wiping tears from her cheeks. It was like banging her head against a brick wall with Brian.
"I told you...so many times...I don't want to have kids. I'll marry you, yes, whenever you like, but I'm not cut out for motherhood."
Brian's face fell and he felt sick to his stomach.
"All this time...I thought you just didn't want kids right now...I thought you just needed to wait until we were stable, maybe even married. I've practically been begging you to marry me since we were in Canada last July...And yet all this time,...... you knew how badly I wanted children…I've watched you with Deaky's boy, and I've told you you're a natural when it comes to babies...but now, maybe it's just ...not with mine?"
"I would not be a natural with mine, Brian."
They stared at each other in silence and disbelief before he finally spoke, his voice was very quiet.
"Maybe we've made a mistake then." He shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie.
"You think so, Bri?"
He shrugged and looked away, for the first time not wanting her to see him cry. Her breath was stuck in her chest again, as if she couldn't inhale after speaking. She took her hands out of her pockets, her fingers spinning the engagement ring subconsciously as she stared away from him. Her gaze was blurry from the collection of tears, looking nowhere into the kitchen.
He looked back at her after taking a deep breath, watching her fiddle with the ring on her finger.
"Don't do that." He whispered, gesturing to her hands in front of her.
"I don't feel very good." She whispered back and stepped past him, out of the living room and into the spare bedroom next to the kitchen.
It was the room he had given her to use as she liked when he had brought her home again. There was a bed in the room, but it was also where she kept her books, her guitar and all the things she treasured. Her own little oasis, and she had spent hours in there sitting on the bed, studying. Brian would often curl up next to her, quizzing her on the most difficult questions, rewarding her with kisses when she answered correctly. More often than not, his kisses turned into much more and they spent countless afternoons making love in that spare bedroom.
She climbed onto the bed, and curled up on her side, not bothering to pull the blankets over her. She closed her eyes and wept quietly. How she wished she could be the woman he wanted her to be, but she knew it was impossible. It was so deeply ingrained in her to keep on going, to keep fighting, to survive and to achieve something. It was everything her mother had taught her before losing her when Jayne was a teenager. The thought of becoming a mother herself, terrified her. Jayne cried herself to sleep that afternoon.
When she awoke, it was dark. She had no idea how long she'd been asleep, and her eyes stung from all the crying. Her head pounded. Her feet were cold, but even lying on top of the blankets, she felt warmth behind her. Brian.
He had come in to lie down with her at some point while she slept. He was curled up behind her, his arms wrapped around her like always, his chin resting on the top of her head. His knees were tucked in behind hers and she could tell he was asleep by his breathing pattern. Now and then, his breath would hitch, a tell tale sign that he too had cried himself to sleep there with her.
"Girl of mine, where did we go wrong?
I lie awake afraid to sleep
Cause I see the face I knew I'd never keep..
Too much to bear
Too much I fall down drunk
Too much I care…
Tell me now
Do the words of love still seem the
Same to you?
Now we learned the angry lessons
And we still came back for more
Forget somehow what came before..
My senses have been shocked
And I'm alive to every pain
Your quiet laughter comes to me
It echoes in the rain
In the darkness of my lonely room
I pray that you won't fade
Away too soon."
Jayne remained still for a little while. She didn't want to wake him, only because she loved the feeling of his body against hers. The way he always smelled like Earl Grey and vanilla and how much she would miss him when he left her behind again.
She was keenly aware that this could very well be the end of the road for the two of them and her heart was breaking at the thought. She carefully rolled over to face him. Snuggling her face in against his neck, tucking in her hands against his chest and breathing in his scent. He stirred a little; he was aware of her movements and aware that she was searching for comfort in his arms. He kissed the top of her head and settled back in against her.
Neither one of them spoke as they lay there together, drifting in and out of lucidity.
"You hungry?" Brian asked sleepily as he stretched his legs, after a long while.
Jayne shook her head against his collarbones, tucking her chin in lower.
"You haven't eaten anything today, Jayne.."
"Not hungry."
She didn't want to talk for fear of crying again. She just wanted to sleep, to escape the reality of how her life with him seemed to be teetering on the edge of disaster.
Brian sighed over her head, and smoothed her hair with one of his hands. He glanced at the clock on the window sill, squinting in the fading light to read the time. Six o'clock in the evening. They'd been asleep there all afternoon.
For the first time, Brian felt completely conflicted. As much as he loved Jayne, he was beyond angry with her. Devastated. He felt ripped off; having spent the last three years loving her so intensely, building this house for them with the intention of filling it with children...he still adored her but he couldn't even bring himself to say the words now. He had stopped calling her 'love' when he addressed her; something that was completely unintentional. He felt as though a part of his heart had closed itself off over the past two weeks. He felt powerless to get back to where he was before.
Brian stretched against Jayne, and with his finger curled under her chin, he lifted her head enough to look at her. Her eyes met his and there wasn't anger there anymore, just emptiness, it seemed. He kissed her, pressing his lips against hers for a moment, then got up from the bed. He covered her with a throw blanket and left the room, rubbing his eyes as he walked into the living room. He found the hoodie he had discarded earlier and slipped his long arms back into it, zipping it up. He bent down and got a fire going in the main fireplace; he wasn't very hungry either, just cold, tired and his head ached.
He filled the kettle and set out two teacups. Once the kettle whistled, he prepared their tea and leaned in the doorway of the spare bedroom.
"Tea's ready, Jayne." He spoke softly, watching her shift under the little blanket in the dim light.
"Okay. Thanks."
He could see her blink at him, the light from the living room shining into the bedroom on her face a little. He smiled and looked away from her, turning to go back to the kitchen island to get his tea, then sat on the big leather couch in front of the fire. He put his feet up on the steamer trunk in an effort to warm them a little.
His eyes scanned the openness of the house. The emptiness of it. Their large bedroom, his study, the two spare bedrooms, the loft above where he wrote music. He realised that he had built nothing more than a house of dreams. He frowned and rested his cheek on his fist, drawing one knee up to prop his elbow on. He waited for Jayne to join him on the couch. A long time passed; Brian sighed and sipped his tea that was getting too cool to enjoy any longer.
"Fuck it.." he mumbled and got up from the couch. He dumped his and Jayne's cold tea in the sink, and instead went around the corner to retrieve a bottle of vodka from the liquor cabinet. He was fed up with waiting for Jayne. Fed up with waiting for her to join him on the couch, to spend time with him before the tour, fed up with waiting for her to come around and build a proper life with him. He slammed the cupboard door shut after getting a glass for his drink. He mixed the vodka with soda, and drank the whole thing. Just as he finished making his second one, he caught sight of Jayne leaning her shoulder against the fridge behind him.
"Nice of you to join me, finally." He said bitterly as he sipped a mouthful of the new drink.
Jayne sighed and pulled the throw blanket tight around her shoulders, grasping it with a fist just below her throat.
"Sorry...I fell asleep again. Good thing you're having a small tantrum in here, slamming things, or I might have slept forever."
Brian narrowed his eyes and smirked sarcastically at her as she moved to get herself a glass. He shoved the vodka bottle across the island counter towards her, but Jayne shook her head. She got herself a bottle of whiskey instead, and set it down on the counter next to the vodka, her eyes flashing up at Brian's for a brief moment.
"I thought you'd given up on whiskey, Jayne?" His voice was dripping with animosity now.
"I did, Brian. Things change."
She made herself a whiskey neat, swallowed it in one shot and then refilled the glass, making the next one a double.
"Not everything, apparently.." he trailed off as he sipped his drink again. He was very good at being sarcastic; passive aggressive even.
"Oh really? Like what?" She challenged.
"Your position on getting married, taking my last name and having children with me, for example."
"Oh for fucks sake, Brian. You're really going after getting the last laugh before this tour starts, aren't you? You're being an asshole, you know that?"
She picked up her glass and walked past him, disappearing into the spare bedroom for a moment before emerging, her hand still keeping the blanket around her shoulders. She walked past Brian again, this time stopping at the front door to slip her bare feet into her boots, and went out the door, slamming it shut behind her.
"Fuck!" Brian shook his head in frustration and followed her out the front door to find her leaning on the porch railing, smoking a cigarette.
Inside, he was fuming. But he kept his wits about him and managed to convince Jayne to ditch the cigarette and come back inside where it was warm, and they could try to talk once again. Without yelling at one another.
Brian pulled her gently back in the house and after closing the door, he led her to the couch, then added another log to the fire. He brought both bottles of alcohol to the living room and set them down on the steamer trunk in front of the couch, and sat down next to her.
Jayne rested her toes on the edge of the steamer trunk, the throw blanket falling back from her leg, leaving it bare up to her hip. Brian noticed and shifted a little on the couch, clearing his throat.
"So...I suppose you're working tomorrow again?"
"Nope. I took tomorrow and the day after off, remember? I wanted to spend time with you before you leave for three months."
"Do you still….want to spend time with me?" He didn't look at her when he asked the question.
Jayne just nodded, running her finger around the rim of her glass that rested on her bent knee. There was a long silence; the only sounds were of the ice in Brian's glass, and the crackling of the fire in front of them.
"Bri?"
"Yeah?"
"Can we just try to get along until you leave? Please?"
"I'm trying, Jayne…." He whispered.
"It doesn't feel like it…" she picked at the edge of the throw blanket in her lap.
They had both drank enough to dull their senses just a little; wearing down the sharp edge of their mutual anger. Brian didn't reply. He only leaned forward to refill both of their glasses. He had been drinking his vodka straight now, not bothering to get up to get anything to mix it with. Eventually, he reached his arm out to her, trailing one of his fingers along her bare leg, from her bent knee, stopping at the top of her thigh. She watched his movements; his hand reaching to rest on her thigh, fingers close to the fabric edging of the front of her panties. He left his hand there as he finished the rest of his drink. With his other hand, he took her drink from her, putting it down on the trunk in front of them. His free hand then slid into hers, and he looked at her fingers. He began to spin the engagement ring on her finger, running his calloused fingertips over the emeralds and then the diamond, back and forth.
"What are you thinking right now?" She whispered, afraid to breathe as she watched him looking at the ring he had given her.
"I'm thinking that you should keep wearing this ring, Jayne." He looked her in the eye now. "If we decide we've made a mistake, we'll deal with it then."
Jayne nodded in agreement and turned her hand over to intertwine her fingers in his. She couldn't believe that they were even talking about something like this.
"What happened to us, Jayne?" He asked quietly.
She shrugged, running her thumb over the back of his hand. She couldn't bring herself to look at his eyes.
"I think...I think that what you loved most about me is what has driven a wedge between us, Brian."
He nodded then.
"Your independence, your fire, your stubbornness...your defiance, Jayne."
"You used to love those qualities…" she spoke quietly.
"I still do…but...not when you use them against me...against us."
Jayne looked up at him now, but didn't say anything. He continued to talk finally, holding her hand tighter, his other hand still resting on her thigh.
"I am so...bloody angry with you, Jayne!"
His voice was desperate with emotion, but controlled. His eyes spoke everything he couldn't.
"If I didn't love you so much, none of it would matter, but I do, and you just...I'm so pissed off at you that I can't even verbalize…"
He bit his lip to keep himself from saying anything further that might be hurtful.
"I wish I could change how I feel, Brian..."
"I wish I could stop loving you, Jayne."
He interrupted her, and his words hurt. The honesty of them made her heart ache. She found the courage to try to explain herself.
"If I agreed to start a family with you...to have even one child...oh god.." she shuddered and cleared her throat. "What if something happened to me and I wasn't here anymore? What if my children had to figure out how to live without me?"
Jayne had tears in her eyes now. Brian softened at her admission.
"You mean...like what happened to your mother? To you?"
Jayne nodded and fought back the tears.
"Hey...nothing is going to happen to you, Jayne...I promise."
"It happened to my mother! You don't know what the future holds, Brian. We could start a family right now, and I could get run over by a bus in two years, or ten, and then what? I can't bear to think about leaving my own children behind…you'd be away on the road half the time, and I'd be the only one they would have..and I don't want to be a single mother, either."
"Listen to me. Ronnie does fine, and Deaky does his best for them. His son knows who he is. You're not going to get run over by a bus either. And I won't always be away from home, Jayne."
Brian leaned over and kissed her, holding her face in his hand. He felt like he was finally making progress with her. Jayne kissed him through her tears; it had been days since he had kissed her like this. She eventually pulled away and lowered her head.
"I can't, Bri...I just feel like I can't do it. I'm sorry…"
He took his hands from her, and rubbed them over his face, then leaned forward and rested his forehead in his hands, covering his eyes with his palms. Jayne didn't know what she could do for him at this point, if she should touch him or leave the room. So she just sat there next to him while he broke down.
They'd both had a bit to drink tonight, and her inhibition was lowered enough that she chose to place her hand on his back. To her surprise, Brian didn't pull away from her touch. Instead, turned and pressed his face against her chest, slinging his arms around her hips. He cried against her; angry and hopeless sobs. She rested her cheek atop his head, his curls covering his face.
Eventually he lifted his head and wiped at his face, a frustrated groan coming from his chest. He stood up then, and looking down at Jayne, he put his hand around her upper arm and pulled her up from the couch. His eyes were red and tired, his face slack from the emotional effort.
"It's late." He muttered.
He tugged at her arm and made her follow him to their bedroom. Once inside, they stood next to their bed, and he undressed as she stood there, silently weeping. Then he pulled upwards at the hem of her tank top and she dutifully raised her arms to let him pull it off of her. He pushed her panties off and she stepped out of them, and he held back the blankets for her to get in bed. She did as he directed, and he got in bed next to her after turning off the light. The glow of the fireplace in the living room cast an orange light into the bedroom.
Brian pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her, and draping one of his long legs over her. He wiped the tears from her cheeks and leaned down to kiss her again. A kiss that told Jayne how deeply he loved her without saying a word at all. He swore he could feel both of their hearts break in that moment.
"They met in a hurricane
Standing in the shelter out of the rain,
She tucked a note into his hand.
Later on they took his car,
Drove on down where the beaches are
He wrote her name in the sand
Never even let go of her hand…"
Hours passed. Both of them tried to let sleep find them. The colour of the sky told Brian that it had to be close to two in the morning now.
He shifted to lie on his back, staring up at the now snow covered skylight. Jayne had her back to him, not moving, her breaths quiet.
"Are you awake?" He whispered into the darkness.
"Yeah...do you want me to go sleep in the other room?"
"No…" Brian shook his head on his pillow.
Jayne rolled over to face him and kissed his shoulder.
"Make love to me, Bri?" She whispered.
"I..can't…" His throat went dry as the words came out.
Jayne felt her heart sink. She was desperate for him to love her again, the way he used to. To feel him feeling something for her. Anything that would close the painful gap between them.
"Then fuck me." He heard her whisper.
She felt him sit up next to her, his curls illuminated by the moonlight from outside on the snow; and he pushed the blankets back off of her body. She shivered under his touch, his long fingers tracing downwards from her throat to her breasts. He lowered his head then and placed kisses there, alternating between licking and biting at her breasts. Her back arched when his fingers moved down between her legs, making her gasp under his touch. He slipped one finger inside her, and then moving down, his tongue found her clit, before sliding a second finger inside. He pumped his fingers slowly and curled them forwards; he loved how she moaned for him. She grabbed at the sheets at her sides as he worked on her.
He lifted his lips from her core to look at her while he fucked her with his fingers.
"Tell me what you want, Jayne."
"I...want you Brian..want you to fuck me….so badly…" she gasped.
He took his fingers from her and pushed her legs apart roughly, making room for him to press his hips between them. He could see her face in the dim light, and he wanted to kiss her, but couldn't bring himself to do it. Another piece of his heart felt like it was shutting down. Instead, he reached down between them and guided his cock inside her with a groan from deep in his chest.
She felt so good around him, and he closed his eyes and started to push himself deeper until he bottomed out. He supported himself above her on extended arms, and began to set a solid pace with his hips. She reached her arms up and wrapped her fingers around the back of his neck, gently trying to pull him towards her; she wanted his chest against hers, to be close to him, and to be able to kiss him, but he resisted. He kept his elbows locked, arms outstretched as he increased his speed.
Jayne bucked her hips to meet his thrusts, and he clenched his teeth as the pleasure mounted. He wanted to fuck her hard; to fuck away all his anger, resentment and frustration. Deep down though, he really wanted to make love to her instead, like she'd asked him to at first, but he was so full of anger that fucking her was all he could do. So he thrust into her harder, and he wondered if maybe he might be hurting her, but his raw emotion soon took over, and it didn't matter to him anymore.
He looked down at her squirming and writhing beneath him, desperately clutching at his chest. He remained propped up on his long arms, until he grabbed the back of one of her thighs and hooked it over his hip, holding her there so that he could thrust even deeper into her. She gasped and he felt her contract around his cock, pushing him closer to the edge.
"Fuck….cum for me, Jayne!" He growled out the words between clenched teeth.
She locked eyes with him then. If he wouldn't let her hold him while he fucked her, she was going to make him work for it.
"Make me." She growled back at him.
She didn't realise that her old defiance only fueled his already overflowing anger, so he scowled down at her and slammed into her so hard that she did cry out in pain. He kept his pace like that, letting go of her thigh so that he could run fast circles over her clit with his fingers, while he pounded into her. It was working. He could tell by how hard she'd tighten up around him, and within a very short amount of time, he did make her cum. She arched her back and cried out his name, begging him to fuck her as she rode out wave after wave beneath him.
His fingers left her core and hiked her leg over his hip again as he chased his own high now. The sight of her underneath him combined with how tight she felt around him was all it took and soon his thrusts became impossibly deep. He growled out curses and grunted as he emptied himself deep inside her. He stopped thrusting and pushed himself, balls deep, as he pumped everything he had into her, along with his anger and frustration. He let her leg go then, and gave one final thrust before he pulled out and collapsed on his back next to her, his chest heaving in the moonlight.
"Fucking christ, Jayne…" he panted, looking up at the skylight.
She lay next to him, her chest covered in a thin sheen of sweat. It was the first time he'd fucked her like that. Completely without any trace of love at all. Her heart felt like it was made of concrete, and weighed just as much. She didn't say anything. He had done exactly what she had asked him to.
Are you still updating Mean To Me?? I need bri and Sheila to figure their shit out and love each other already!
Hahahaaaaa YES!!! Next chapter should be out this week. Sorry for the delay, the two of them have been busy in my head trying to work some shit out, for sure. Hehehhehe
Thank you, anon. You've given me the push I needed. 😉
