I should be sleep, but...

Random late night inquiries

[mrsavis-blog]

Another day, another disappointment...

So obviously I didn’t get the job, it’s pretty much a given w/ the tittle... I’m disappointed pretty much 85% and relieved w/ the other 15 %. But good news is I have 2 other callbacks from other fine dining places. 1 is about 20 minutes closer and located going in the opposite direction of majority of the traffic. Overall my day was pretty productive and filled with a lot of cleaning, nothing special at all...  

I’m trying out something new, I have my thoughts all organized. This session will be about me reducing stress w/ window shopping, how I might be adding a foodie blog (surprise surprise), and my obsession with putting things off last minute.

Just know I’m dying a little inside, and I’ve already wasted at least 20 something minutes just trying to focus .... It’s like my brain flipped a switch right when I started that last paragraph. I’m not even thinking about anything, definitely not nada I had planned on going over... I guess this is what it feels like when guys say they’re thinking about “nothing”. If I could control the timing of this state of mind, I could use it to relax... But sadly it did not last, however after it passed I was left w/ the feeling of emptiness.

Not a depressing emptiness more like I just lost all interest in anything at the moment.

Any-who, moving right along, even though this blog is fffaarr from successful, or even meaningful besides the minor relief & joy I personally get from writing it... I really enjoy window shopping but never make it to the mall anymore. So I’m going to combine the two and add on an Amazon Wishlist. I’m not begging anyone to buy anything, but I would be crazy to pass up the opportunity to accept free sh!t. I’m just keeping it real *Kanye shrug*, and it gives you the opportunity to support a young struggling family & mom fighting to hold on to her sanity. 

But honestly, it gives me an excuse to make a wishlist. I love making list for one, and there are tons of stuff I see & think I ought to get this... Or more like I ought to remember to get this when I can afford it. There’s just something magical & fun about making a list & hoping to get something off of it. It’s kind of almost like sipping on child-like innocence and feeling the joy of X-Mas again. So I’m definitely looking forward to it, I’ve been a window shopper my whole life.

Even when I have the money I normally never buy myself anything. I go weeks and up to years before ever really buying something I truly want. For example, I have an iPhone 6 because my mom gave it to me as a gift when my phone wore out and died (as in it wouldn’t turn back on, period) back in 2013. It’s almost 2020 and I’m still using this old @ss brick, I hate this phone, it runs slower than molasses, barely holds a charge, and never has any memory ... But despite all the reasons to trash it, here I am holding on to it and making it work. (I carry 2 battery banks with me at all times and a 10 ft long charging cable). I know exactly which new phone I would love to replace it with, and I’ve been to 3 different stores and checked out everything. I even watched Youtube videos and read full-length articles over the phone I actually want. For some reason though, I just struggle with buying myself stuff. 

It’s not even because of how tight our finances are either. I’ve been this way since I can remember, I’m a hardcore saver at heart. I’m that person who will buy a juice they love and cut it with water to make it last longer. For some odd reason, I hang on to every dollar like it’s my last, and I squeeze pennies until they burst. I’ve gone without and cut back to extremes, just to save for specific things I wanted. That’s on top of having a savings, and living under a budget. 

Maybe it’s a control thing, maybe my control issues are way deeper than I realize. Plus with this discomfort of struggling financially for the first time added in w/ fears of failing as a parent... I’m losing my mind and bursting mentally every time I have to do the math over the cost of anything. Talk about depressing, I remember being pregnant and almost crying because I couldn’t buy both tuna & turkey sandwich meet. ... Well actually I did cry ... after I got back home, I just thought about crying the whole time I was in the store. This was with also being on WIC. Talk about culture shock meets the death of my pride.

So yea me making a list of items I hope to own one day is something I can afford to do and control. It’s exciting and something I will look forward to, and hopefully, I can look forward to opening some of those items as well lol.

Moving on to a more fun topic, FOOD! Like most humans I love food and but I can only be in a relationship w/ food that loves me. Occasionally I cheat here and there but it never spins out of control. On top of loving food, I truly enjoy cooking and baking, mostly baking because I have a sweet tooth. But awhile back I became a full out Vegan for a whole yr, and then I shifted into a lifestyle of being mostly Vegan. I love love love llllllooooovvveee LOVE delicious vegan food. It’s like instead of cheating you found a way to upgrade the old and boring usual... For me, it’s like having a genius dork who has the body of a God, and the swag of a Bad boy... For you, it’s like everything that you’re attracted to in one. ( Sorry my brain is fried, *hillbilly accent* it ... does... not ..work too good, soo late).

Back on track, as part of my mission to be one of the Best MILFS ever... I obviously must be able to throw down in the Kitchen duh! Plus I just love food I don’t actually need a reason but it helps. I already make a few things from scratch, but my overall goal is to be able to make all my favorite dishes from scratch, organic, and as vegan as possible. So far it’s been really enjoyable and everything has turned out extremely f#ckin’ delicious, but costly sometimes.

I made myself a chocolate whip, chocolate chip cookie pie for a birthday of mines once. The ingredients all together cost well over $25. I don’t know about you but I’ve never had a pie that cost more than maybe $12-13. But it was divine and I even got to share it with my super picky @ss associates. Creating, exploring, and actually physically baking it was super fun and almost the best part outside of eating it. So I guess if I chalk up, learning experience, fun activity, and obtaining desert all into the equation, then I guess $25 isn’t too much??

Then there’s the last topic... putting things off, like this post. You would not believe me at all on how long it took me to drag this out of my soul. For some reason, I put things off that takes little to no effort to accomplish. Prime example I’ve been needing my tire’s air checked to the point that you can just see they’re low. But to add fuel to the fire, I’ve also prolonged getting gas to the point, that I’m confident my gas light will turn on... before I can even pull out the neighboorhood tomorrow. I stay less than a mile away from the nearest exit so that should draw you a visual.

Why?

..........¿Por qué? 

I DON’T F#CKIN’ KNOW! I can only blame control issues, and I guess some part of me is self-sabotaging. The craziest theory my brain has cooked up is that the white (I’m all mixed up) in me needs adrenaline spikes and living on the edge. The whole world knows how white ppl love doing crazy @ss sh!t, swimming w/ sharks, jumping out of planes, Nascar, talking crazy to the police, eating rare steaks, etc. etc. etc. Don’t get me wrong you can find people of all backgrounds & colors doing this crazy sh!t. But these areas are predominantly full of White ppl. 

The craziest thing I’m doing now-a-days is just this, driving around all week w/ barely any gas or air. This is a lame example but it also just proves my point. I do this w/ stuff that literally takes almost no time to fix. Like paying a bill... I won’t wait till it’s due but I will wait about 2-3 days before it’s due. Why? I can’t tell you, all my bills are written in bright @ss pink ink on my big @ss calendar. They are also set on reminders to my calendars on my cellie... So trust and believe me when I tell you they are constantly staring me down. 

But every month as another one comes up, and even when I have more than enough to pay for it.... Here I am just waiting. It’s like I’m waiting for the sky to fall or something. It’s hard to explain because honestly, my brain will yell at every time I see a bill coming up, “PAY IT ALREADY!” . But nope, I then respond w/ ehh I’m going to I’m going to... 

It’s like when the trash overfills and you take it out the trashcan and tie it up. But then you just leave it there to stare you down every time you walk into the kitchen. It makes way more sense to just go ahead and take it out immediately after tieing it up.

All I can say is I’m aware it’s an issue and I am actually trying to be proactive at doing better. But for some hard reason, the simplest things can be the most taxing things for me to do sometimes. I have no f#ckin’ clue why I only understand it just is.

Alrighty then, well that will do it for this sess. I took way too inconceivably long to get through this lol... I think too much time looking for GIFs, and obviously, I gave up altogether. Eh w/e.

MORAL OF THE SESS: “Stick to your guns and work sh!t out. We all need help sometimes so don’t allow your pride to hold you back. But also don’t wait too long before things are irreversible. Do more things that bring your pleasure, and constantly be improving yourself. “.

- CHAO

[mrsavis-blog]

Whompdie whomp whom

I’m just going to jump straight into it...  I’m not 100% I’m going to get that job, and To be Honest... I’m cool w/ that. I mean, I would love to get paid very well for a Server. But I was not AT ALL looking forward to that commute, and nor am I sprinting towards work-life. I’m your typical creative soul... I need a lot of freedom and space & ability to move at my own pace. *Medium sigh*

But just to not jinx it either, they did tell me I have about 24hrs. I doubt they meant it literally but more figurately ... like in general, if I don’t hear from them at all today then it’s a “No thanks”... Hmmm did companies low key invent ghosting??? Because it’s totally the worse to apply to places, get an interview, and then be left hanging... It’s like thanks for financial blue balls... 

I don’t know about other people, but I take ALL relationships serious, especially ones that involve my finances. I do my homework before I even apply, full money background search on the J.O.B. I know how much I will be paid after taxes before I can even introduce myself to the manager. I already know exactly where my 1st FIVE checks are going, I know what day to look forward to on paying off my debt. Ect. ect. ect.  ... I’m not counting the chics before they hatch I’m just drawing up blueprints for their coop, and trying to set up deals for where I’m going to sell their eggs..

I don’t go overboard or anything... 

BUT D@MN I hate sitting around for anything & anyone. I’ve learned how to cope with an extremely short patience at a young age... Distractions + productiveness is the key.. Got to constantly be prepared with ways to fill up those life-sucking, nerve-wracking, black hole voids of “waiting on something/someone”. This is one of those times

I started last night... I just got up out of bed and started cleaning the kitchen... Cleaning is the best, absolutely one of my favorite ways to relieve stress & anxiety. This is why:

1. You get instant gratification; EVERYONE loves being in a clean environment. It’s like the aura of the room brightens and hums a silent soothing uplifting song that your spirit vibes to. 

2. I’m good at it: I get the details of a room done, and efficiently so. If you’re going to do something do it all out. I literally clean from the ceiling to the floor, and not only that but I sanitize & cleanse. Cleaning is just removing debris and making an area look less cluttered & disorganized or neglected. Sanitizing is when you actually kill the bacteria & viruses that threaten us (and I am a big Germaphobe so this really matters!). Cleansing is when you clear out bad vibes, I prefer to let in a lot of natural light, smudge, pray, and air out my place. 

3. It’s easy to do and can do it anywhere at any time. 

4. It makes life smoother. I LOVE just being able to go about things with minimum resistance.  For example, I don’t like having to look for things and or clean something when I need it at that moment. 

I feel like I’m beating a dead horse, you get the idea...

I started cleaning my kitchen and taking care of my loved ones... Going out my way to give them a great hot meal, and relaxed/ clean space to come home to after working a double. Their bed was ready, the food was hot & how they liked it, their favorite show was waiting for them to press play, their drink was poured, and no one was bothering them. 

Then after they were set, I began getting things ready for the morning... Putting out clothes to take my lil one to daycare; having their favorite morning snacks, their backpack, and outfit set up. 

The morning came & went, and I still continued to try to keep my mind off of staring at my cellie with busy work. I Cleaned someone else’s bathroom and I HATE DOING THAT. I’m talking about I scrub the DOG SH!T out of the toilet so well it looks got d@mn fucking new... You can see your reflection, and I even polished the faucet and bathroom appliances... 

EVERYTHING that can be washed is, sh!t I even rewashed sh!t that’s not even 3 days out of the last load.. I’m still thinking of other sh!t to clean...

It’s almost 3pm and that is just about 24 hrs ago from when I last spoke to the restaurant and I’m getting very anxious. 

I know there are other places I can apply & get a job. But I lowkey want this one because of YES! the money. But also because I feel like it would push me to WAKE THE F#CK UP! Get my life back on track to what I felt & remember how it was before my Dragon came.

There are a ton of things I know I out to be doing, and this would help force me to work on my self-discipline. Because there would be rewards (mostly in the form of a check) and consequences towards steering off the path towards my goals. 

OH THE F#CK WELL!! It’ll be what it’ll be lol... I just feel like if I think too much about not getting it then I’m somehow influencing the universe into not giving it to me, but also the opposite. That if I know I have it, that I’m lowkey manifesting it into existence, and I’m a little hesitant, to be honest. I’m not fully ready to get into all of that extra mess that comes with it. Even though I know it’s past time and will be no perfect job anytime soon. I’m kinda convinced that if I just chill and don’t feed either thought, then what is meant to be will be, and I will know for sure then what needs to be done. Lol regardless I’m getting a job, either way, just not fully convinced this should be the one.

WHAT I AM F#CKING TIRED OF THOUGH... IS ALL THESE D@MN TELEMARKETERS CALLING MY GOT D@MN CELLPHONE!! 

I’m over here about to flip out EVERY time my cellie rings, and I answer to some dumb sh!t. I have no idea what the phone number will be if they call me, so I basically have to answer all the calls. I keep blocking them, and they just call back with different numbers. 

Moving onwards to other topics, I am in a perplexing situation like constantly actually lol. But seriously I don’t feel like I have total anonymity and can’t be totally free with things my spirit truly moves me to say... So I’m thinking of starting a new Blog that’s a Satire of my own; I will mix in a lot of fiction with bits of truth... It’ll be obscene and vulgar without any censorship so you have been warned. I don’t know if it’ll be any good, but it will give me more practice on my writing skills. Unlike this. I don’t know exactly when I’ll actually work on it, but I usually get what I want to do done...soo eh.

On top enjoying allowing myself to blossom on here, I do very much have to find someone to sell my time to, doing tasks in exchange for tips. I need to go through my emails and the handfull of job sites I’ve joined over the past couple of weeks. It’s all rather a little bit depressing in its own, so I find myself avoiding the f#ck out of it all. Especially since our financial situation has gotten better enough for us to breath again instead of drown. But the sensation of suffocating is still wavering over me and clinging to my spirits, that I can’t help but constantly think about what I NEED to be doing.

I’m not procrastinating entirely I am checking my emails, and staring the ones to go back and open. I did check out another Fine dinging restaurant up the street from us and plan on filling out their application later this evening. I even did 3 interviews and take a competency test... Again I say I’m not sprinting... I’m kinda just moving barely into sparting gear (It’s not walking and it’s not a full out jog, it’s when you extend the length of your gait enough to be moving fast but not exerting yourself). 

I am working on self-discipline but forcing myself to not focus entirely on just one thing, and burning myself out. As well as see things through and finish things I’m having a hard time getting back into gear with.

It’s been a journey to say the least...

... One way I am planning on going about helping myself get organized to get the most out my time and get all I want to do crammed into a day... Is to go about these sessions/ entries at a more organized way. It’s fun just free-falling through words and jargon in my head, but the process is slow and time-stealing... I will start taking notes of the things I think about posting about throughout my day. They will either make the cut and be somehow smoothly discussed on here. Or they will be a bit too extreme or too vulnerable for me to freely discuss and placed in my Satire peace... There will be more of an intro kinda deal & an outro, and of course, there will still be MORALS... I will be basically just bullet pointing them, and then going in at will... So there’s still some form of free-falling, but no time lost one what to type up next, or getting lost in thoughts, or looking for the right GIF.

With that being said I do have to close out... So the MORAL OF THE SESS IS: “Don’t let rejection or the fear of rejection stop your life. Know your way of coping and find healthy outlets for your anxieties & stress. Don’t ever stop improving or believing in yourself, with that being said give yourself a break here & there.” .

Peace.

[mrsavis-blog]

*Sucks teeth*

Whelp tomorrow is the official day I rejoin the adult society, and jump back into the money Olympics. AKA get a f#cking J.O.B.

At least my day was as, fortunately, stress-free as can be. No complaints on my end.. no real ones anyhow.

I just need to put air in my tires, clean up, wash/fold/put away the laundry, do my hair, and organize blah blah blah... The downfall about all of this is its past midnight. I ought to be sleep ... Tomorrow is going to be more than just my official day back into the workforce. It’s the beginning of a new area.

The time has come for me to put aside my distractions and procrastinations, crank up the self-discipline, routines, hard work, dedication, and focus. There will still be plenty of play, but I have ENORMOUS dreams, aspirations, hopes, wishes, and I refuse to give up on them.

I’m constantly fighting an internal clock that I swear clicks & ticks louder with every passing minute. My body did NOT Motha-f#ckin’ “SNAP” back as well all secretly & out loud pray for! Nope. On top of this bomb of disappointment discovery, there were several others that sucked up years of my life.

Thus I find myself FFFFAAARRR AWAY from becoming the undeniable Goddess that I know who I truly am meant to be. 

I’m learning to harness the anxiety and constant stress & pressures that each new day brings.. To utilize those intense emotions and manage the got d@mn living hell out of my time. 

I have people who believe in me, and I believe everything happens for some reason some way or another... So I’m doing my best to never regret my past or to feel like I have in any way wasted my time at any moment.

BUT with all in the heartbreaking things (Did I mention my empathy is turned all the way the f#ck up), and f#cked up events constantly happening.. My gosh sometimes it can be so d@mn draining to not get discouraged, distracted, feel defeated, ect ect ect

I never feel like my confidence level is high enough, but at the same time, I fear that if I work on it I’ll become narcissistic or an asshole.. I can’t stand those people, we all know someone who is full of themselves bitchy and shallow. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with having standards, and knowing where you fall on a spectrum, and even knowing what perks you have been fortunate to inherit... 

If you’re cute flaunt it and work it if you’re gorgeous be all that you can be, and if you'ree sexy than work a mother-f#cker out... But just know the difference and what you can realistically get away based on that one measurement... OF COURSE, people have a gazillion other things we measure each other based off of, but looks have ALWAYS been # 1. AGAIN LOOKS ARE NOT EVERYTHING BUT VERY GOT D@MN IMPORTANT! If you disagree I’m not here to argue this is my world and my opinion, so I’m speaking for myself and not you. I don’t care what or how other people start their analyses of others because either way, it’s all just subjective & judging non-the-less in one way or another.

I am one of those people who give a fuck about how they look and how others think they look. I prefer men to drool over me, and woman undeniable agree got d@mn you right, she’s fine. I’m not saying everyone, on the whole, got d@mn planet, just preferably the ones I chose to give a d@mn about.

Basically, I strive to be something like if Angela Bassett & Prince had a baby.. I KNOW!!! Hey I can dream

I don’t know how I single out my not very secrete dream of being one of the badest NON-CELEBRITY-MILFS that ever walked this earth. Blame my vanity on everyone I’ve known my entire life always commenting on my looks 1st. We can unbox that on a different sess.

I truly crave, want, desire, and am fighting basically my definition of successful.

What is that, you ask. I’ll be happy to inform you.

I want to have residuals that create generational wealth and growth. My nuclear family to be about 4-6 kids deep (hence why I will need a SH!T TON of money), but at least 2... so halfway there to hit my bottom. A cozy @ss home that’s just big enough to house my family, but not soo small it’s suffocating. In shape & healthy so I can believe and f#cking mobile & mentally sharp to enjoy the next generations of my family. A few other things like giving back to my community and leaving the earth in a better place than it was before I arrived. 

I’ll be spending my life trying to better myself non-stop.. not in a get plastic surgery way but in being a human way, a parent, lover, friend, daughter, sister, ect, ect ... Blah Blah Blah

But there will be many many mistakes, accidents, selfish moments, IDGAF times, low periods, and other less than perfect events. That’s what makes it life, I just hate feeling like I never have enough time... 

I constantly discovery something that swifts me up and spirits me away that I want to fall in love with. To spend years growing and discovering all that it has to offer for me, but time waits ...better yet life waits for no one. The better you get at juggling and time managing and multitasking the better and more stressful or peace and sometimes in harmony your life shall be. At least mines, in any case, I just also have this NEED to keep everything neat, clean, and orderly. Otherwise, all the thousands of things I’m starting, logging, pausing, picking back up, casting away, restarting, creating, and doing begins to feel like chaos.

So yea my point is starting this interview (I am choosing the position that makes the most money by the way) tomorrow, marks a beginning of a new area. Also sadly the closing point on an officially old one. I guess coffee, tea, and yoga, and mediation will have to become my new best friends... I’ll work workouts back into the equation on top of eating healthy. 

I want to pick up makeup like the rest of the world to help cover my flaws, on my not soo best days. 

I can definitely say the one thing I miss the most about being so damn youthful... Was the ENERGY... fuck the tight body, and the perfect skin, and all the joys of trying things for the first times... I miss being able to pull all-nighters doing who knows what, and getting up with less than 2 hrs of sleep and still killing everything that is asked mentally & physically of you for the day. Keeping in mind I was an athlete who even did 2-a-days, I was in a ton of programs, and held real positions on group boards, still constantly lived in the church, and had a few others I entertained with my time & lust. My early years of teenage-dom & young adulthood was always busy... Plus I’ve been working since I was 17 with just a few exceptions here and there, with each job making me more money than the next, but usually, more time demanding.

*GIANT SIGH*

I need to break off my affair with my bed and stop having sleep with it. I can’t keep cheating on my dreams and goals... This relationship is getting me nowhere...  

Thus I really need to end this sess here.

MORAL OF THE SESS: “ Be perfectly you, and have a plan to help you achieve all that you want & can possibly achieve in your life. Don’t let it happen & then be over”.

[mrsavis-blog]

I’ve been oversleeping

Like a lot over this past week... Thank Goddess my mom decided to watch over my lil’ one... Today has been a total drrraaaggg... All I want, need, should do is clean & organize my home, and get my sh!t together for this month. But I’ve been dealing with pure exhaustion ...d@mn near lethargicness all day.. On top of that an intermittent headache that no matter what I throw at it...continues to be persistent & f#cking annoying.

*DEEP SIGH*  “UUUgghhh...”, today has been totally mentally exhausting as well... I mean my brain is shut down to saying sentences that involve ..” Like, and .. I mean,... I know right”. Blah blah blah, blahdy blah... lol this is most definitely a meaningless entry. 

I always have soo many thoughts and think to myself, this would be great to work out on my blog... But then by the time I log on ...boom! It all fades away. Or I overthink things, and start to worry about who might find my blog and what would they think of me? Could anything I put in here end up being used against me in my future? I’m just trying to get some mental peace; by cleansing out my thoughts and the crazy bullshit that gets traps in my brain. But I have this issue with anxiety and overthinking and depression and blah blah blah....

It has unpredictably made it harder for me to truly be free on my own got d@mn blog the way I wanted to be. OKay whatever.. *Clicks on the random switch*

Damn, I’ve been on a deep f#cking dive of binge-watching for the past two yrs...  All I can say is I’m either one of the most critical cynical ppl I know (which I f#cking know isn’t true) or there’s a lot of b#llsh!t out here these days. Almost NOTHING lives up to its hype, or even the mildly small measurement of hope to be entertained that I have for anything anymore.

I rather enjoy a good reality-tv show nowadays. Before UGH omg you couldn’t catch me even pretending to watch that sh!t. But hear me out, I can turn my brain off when I watch that mess, I always know what to expect, and I’m usually not disappointed. Euphoria (the TV show on HBO) talks about this pretty well. I don’t have to put any effort into watching the programs. 

Which is completely depressing in soo many ways. 1. Reality-tv is what I turn to when I’m bored & or depressed and even stressed. So that’s a bad sign on its own. 2. All the money & talent that goes into scripted programs I highly cherish because I’m a thespian, it was one of my 1st true loves. 3. I’ve actually been waning & waxing with depression for a while now.. (another shout out to Euphoria! I didn't say I hate all shows *Kanye shrug*) .... So what I’m trying to get at is.. 

I don’t want to use my brain sometimes, I want to do the opposite and drown out everything and just feel pure emptiness mixed w/ small bits of guilty pleasure. Thus yes reality-tv the point is not about being “good” or evening being “real”.. It’s about getting straight unadulterated easy access to those juicy mentally stimulating molecules. That ecstasy cocktail of hormones telling your brain that you are relaxed, you have no worries right now, you are happy, and entertained. 

Mix that sh!t with depression and there’s no wonder that the mass population is addicted to binge-watching series that we can now access instantly. Especially reality-tv.

Of course, the only thing that beats that category of television programs is literally everything else ...BUT ONLY when it meets minimum criteria... This brings me back to my 1st point... I have hard requirements for my entertainment to meet just to be deemed enjoyable. It’s not that I’m stuck up or in any way think  I’m superior... I don't say these things to be cute or deep. I was just born this way. 

I need my programs to not be full of cliches, there needs to be more originality to them than anything else... I know that’s easier said than done.. But just barely. There should also be enough realism to it even if its sci-fi, I hate when I have to ask many questions to make sense of some sh!t. Not in the way that I didn’t understand or can’t keep up, but in the sense that someone made an oversight on this shit.  Which usually comes with another move I hate, POOR to sh!t editing.. We’ve all witnessed it, when a movie or show does something that f#cked up the flow. Or stupid graphics badly used or placed... *roll my eyes*

Let’s just say I’ve said all of this to point out that I watch a lot of movies, YouTubers, and tv programs. Enough to predict the majority, out of everything that is going to happen, and too much to easily be truly entertained. 

Oh sh!t .. *punches the sky repeatedly...mentally that is* My best love just gave me a $20 to treat myself to one the best f#cking meals I’ve discovered thus far this yr. A Cali club from Tropical Cafe w/ a bag of healthy chips (probably plain... I’ve been going on a very plain bender lately.. talking coffee no creamer nor sugar, tea no honey or sugar, cereal no mmmiillkkk..) and one of their Bomb-f#ck-your-taste-buds-into-orgasm-submission fresh smoothies =P   ... I say that earns them some extra love (not that it's for sale but to show appreciation & gratitude), and its going to cut this entry here.

MORAL OF THE SESS: “ Sh!t changes and some things stay the same, and then sometimes you just outgrow sh!t. Don’t waste your time on sh!t that bores you without a bigger purpose”

[mrsavis-blog]

It’s been a while...

It’s been about 4 whole days since I’ve last updated, and to be honest not much went down... I’ve been tired as f#ck and went on a job interview.

It went well, but I was informed that the position I am applying for is not open. That I could do something else for a few months and then be moved over. I’ve been in this situation a couple of times before, but they never went well in the past... Bygones though. *Kanye shrug*

My interview ended with me and the manager both agreeing that I take a couple of days to think my options over. I ended up figuring it out about ... 10 minutes ago. It’s nothing fancy and sounds kinda lame, but I’m proud and excited none the less. I’m going to be a Fine Dining Server, the make decent money. It’s a start and it’s way above minimum wage, PLUS the hrs are amazing!! 11:30 am - 9pm... That still gives me plenty of time to still get sh!t done. 

Now I just have to go back in and officially start the interview process and then get through training. I was told it takes people on average 7 days to get the training done. Geeze Lious, I guess it could be worse. I once went through a 2-week training to become a server!!

The only thing is I didn’t get a lot done, I sacrificed my productive alone time to spend it with my family. I’m not complaining, I just really hate starting the week behind on my chores, and having the same disorganized mess from last week. You know how you throw clothes around, the fridge gets out of order, small pieces of trash come about.. On top of the mail, the calendar, everyone’s schedules ..blah blah blah

I can tell this is most likely going to be my shortest post. But you know what I think I’ll be ok with having short entries over long periods of gaps. That’s partially why I didn’t get back on for days, I didn’t have much to say.

MORAL OF THE SESS: “ Consistency is key, and every small win is still a triumph! Don’t stress over the little things”..

[mrsavis-blog]

There are no words...

I mean it, ... I can’t think of the words to properly explain tonight’s events fully. One of those nights you’ll never forget, but at the same time never talk about. Not with people who weren’t there.. it wasn’t exactly a goooooodddd night but bad. More so neutral & chill and .... then a loss for words.

All in all, I’m proud of myself because I’ve officially leveled up to the MASTER level at “Going out & celebrating!!”. You know with intentions of just barely challenging crossing your lines of barely being a step passed sobriety to dude you ARE F#CKED UP!!... Talking blacked THE F#CK OUT ...out of there.. *shake my d@mn head*.

Well, yea I caught myself treading dangerously close to the ledge. I called it quits very early, like a nerd at their 1st slumber party.. I was done just about 11pm at the latest lol... We took an Uber to be safe, but honestly, I could’ve saved us all some money & just drove myself. *deep sigh* “uuuugghhh...it was not cheap” , *roll my eyes*

Anyways on the way back, my company demands that we get the uber to take us to get fast food... Which he does, and there was a long drunken process of ordering food from one person, while I & my bro got our order down quick & easy. Someone was soo gone they even forgot parts of their order by the time we got the food.

What really sucked though... was I checked the food to make sure we had everything. But OF COURSE when we got to our home... MY FOOD WAS MISSING!

It’s alright I managed to get my food without any problems, and it was COMPLETELY WORTH IT!! Perfect cheat day, food-wise.

I did come up with an interesting mix for a desert. I poured some waffle crisp cereal into a bowl, then toasted a homestyle waffle a little past medium, and then finally I added some  Häagen-Dazs Bailey’s Irish Cream and Brownies Ice Cream... OMG!! it was perfect and amazing... It had Cold but hot, soft but crisp & crunchy but still light, sweet and a bit tangy, bits of brownie... It’s definitely a new favorite.

Too bad I only had a little ice cream left, I’m talking barely 5 spoons full. It was just enough to spread evenly all over the waffle. But at the same time, it not be too thin to enjoy, and I got a perfect ratio of all three in every bite!

Outside of my awesome sandwich and creative desert, our night was pretty d@mn short. One of us can’t hold their liquor, smh and still doesn’t know their limit. But that’s all I’ll say on that.

What was pretty dope though, my bro brought his PS4 and let me play Detroit become human. I’ve been wanting to play that since when it 1st came out. But I never did save up enough money to buy a PS4. I’ve always been pretty content with my Xbox one and honestly, I don’t feel that I have enough time to enjoy it the way I want to. Plus I’m not sure there’s enough games for me to play on PS4, on top of buying a bunch of new games cost quite a few special pennies.. I could go on more and more, but the gist has been made.

So I believe I’m going to my 1st interview on Saturday.. I can’t remember if I already mentioned that, and I’m not about to check. I’m anxious and I hope and pray and believe this will all work out ..

I’m mostly focused on trying to make myself look my best, and reviewing my recipes some more, and practicing my free pours. Trying to be as ready as I can possibly be within my control. I’m also excited because it means my life is moving forward, and it’s only going to get better from this moment onward!!

The future looks very promising.

Alright, it is super late, I’m supposed to be waking up at this time. Time to log off, Moral of the sess: “Take time to celebrate, do so safely, think ahead & prepare, then enjoy the f#ck out yourself!” .

[mrsavis-blog]

Back at it again, bright & early

Welcome to No Sleepvile officially... I think I probably got a... f#cked up repeatedly interrupted almost 3 hrs of sleep. But like usually once I’m up... I’m up... *sarcastically shouts*, “Joy!”.

Hmm, I have great ideas of what to ramble on about on here, until I actually log on... Typical...?

Whelp Good News anyhow, I already got a response for an interview. I haven’t replied yet because it’s about an open call kinda thing, and because they messaged me around 10:50ish pm... I don’t tend to respond to anyone outside of family after 8ish... Call me old fashion *Kanye Shrug*

I’ll probably take a nap waaaayyy longer than I intended in a couple of hrs, and then hurriedly rush to get my daily chores done, before my bro comes through. Somewhere in there, I’ll probably squeeze in a few more applications...

I’m just a little anxious and worried about having enough gas money to drive to these places and then eventually training.. But I’ve chosen to have faith and just walk out past the ledge onto air. There’s no way for me to help turn things around if I don’t start making moves. 

Worst case scenario I can take out a small loan or ask for money from another family member. *Just typing that causes mental harakiri *

“UUUGGHHHHAARRRGHHH!! !!”, I fucking hate that I’ve managed to get my family into this situation.. Don’t get me wrong, we’re good and we have some options. BUT I’VE NEVER BEEN TRULY BROKE BEFORE... 

NO, I’m not an irresponsible person, and yes I am financially literate & responsible. Maybe one day I’ll write a whole entry explaining how we got into this F#CKED situation, but know it’s easier than you think. 

I honestly have always been in comfort for my whole life until now, and I believe everything happens for a reason. So “blah blah blah blah blah-blahdee-dah” ... I’m definitely not screaming poor me nor am I doing the, “I’m a victim” dance. 

* in an upset English accent* “THERE SHALL BE... NO PITY PARTY HERE!”

(The Juggernaut is the pity party, I’m Domino)

Moving right along... 

Idk if it’s because of blogging or because I LITERALLY, JUST GOT THE GREAT NEWS THAT OUR RENT WILL BE PAID ON TIME!!! .. But I suddenly feel a lift of weight off my shoulders and a small breath of relief *inhales peace, exhales Ecstacy* 

Hey, maybe I’ll relax enough to even squeeze in some video game time.. I’m a HUGE gamer, to the point that if I could be successful doing it as a job... I would literally start to fly w/ joy. But we can’t all be youtube/twitch sensations, and I think it’s too late for me to join a real team.. Eh, life...full of potholes of hindsight & disappointments. 

I honestly still do plan on creating a gaming youtube (I know cliché, but I think I truly believe everyone should try doing youtube *Kanye shrug*) channel, but I have quite a few hobbies I want to start. I’m still adapting and learning to juggle my new roles in life as it is. I just know getting a steady job is going to cut soo many of my hrs out *rolls eyes*. But I’m holding my breath that it’ll be the kick in the ass that I need to get on my grind and hustle yet again.

But 1st things 1st... I... Idk where I was going with this. Lack of sleep is starting to take its toll. 

I’m trying not to leave these entries so ridiculously short, but I doubt anyone is reading this anyhow... So who will miss the quantity?

My brain is now pinging with all the gazillion hobbies, tasks, projects, things, and activities I want to do. I write them all down and have even scheduled time out of my day today, to get on top of them. I’ll get it all done it’s just a matter of time. Hey, I started this thing, didn’t I? I say I’m on my way...

Whelp my stomach is starting to wake up and demand substance ...and I’m not a fan of eating and then immediately going to sleep. Plus I want to get a few minutes of freemium gameplay in.. So ah.. Moral of the sess: “Break down your mental walls, unshackle yourself, manifest your future, and walk with full belief that you can change your situation for the better”

[mrsavis-blog]

Here we are again..

My brain is fried and I’m tired but not sleepy.. Like I just need to lay flat for a couple of hrs without mentally processing a d@mn thing.

I’ve literally been filling out applications since my last post.... sooo about roughly 10-11hrs straight.

Let me tell you what, job hunting is TEDIOUS and exhausting!! It is a full out job itself if you’re actually cross-referencing multiply hir sites and salary reports. “Ain’t nobody got time to end up at a suck @ss​ broke job”

I’ve personally been focusing on gigs that pay around $ 28-40k, gotta be sure I can pay these bills and get rid of this debt.

I got a couple of phone calls today about owing some company, and another one was soo BOLD enough to send someone to our home AROUND 9 PM!!

Mind you the company that came to our residence was trying to get our business back from a canceled subscription.

*Deep sigh* ... “UUuugghhh”...

Let’s just leave that topic right there, I’m not a fan about talking about my debt. But it is super relieving to get it out; the only other person I can talk to is the one I’m in it with. * Kanye shrug*

So moving right along... Am I the only one who gets so mentally drained from the mundane tasks of daily responsibilities, that by night time your brain switches off. I’m like a few neuron cells short from walking into walls at this stage.

BUT!!! I am super excited that I’ll be able to blow my stress away tomorrow night! It’s cheap drinks night at a local bar, and my brother is coming down to catch up on basically half a yr’s worth of celebrations he’s missed.

Okay, that gif is a little intense but it fits perfectly lol..

So I don’t know if it’s due to hormones or just the constant stress I’ve been living in.. But today I had a Visual Migrain... That sh!t was not in the least bit okie doke... In fact, it was very much the opposite and left me feeling like WTF!?

I was filling out an application (obviously) and then out of nowhere w/o warning, this bright @ass geometric shaped dot was in my dead center vision... It slowly grew and developed into more of a crescent moon with even more vivid super-bright @ss colors with geometric shapes... I looked it up as the average person with Wifi access... Turns out this sh!t happens...

This is very close to sort of how it looked but without all the different shapes and rapid movements, I could still see passed it but not very well.

OH and if that wasn’t a concern enough.. my right knee has been f#cking with off & on about a week now.. I swear you have a kid and then your body starts to fall apart. It’s morbidly disturbing and NO I haven’t come to terms with any of this aging sh!t yet. I’m still not even at peace with my new body...

I’ve already told my partner that when I finish having kids I’m getting a mommy makeover (basically tummy tuck & breast lift) and having my nipples pierced to reclaim my tits. Might even get something much lower pierced as well but I doubt it lol.

I did, however, get my nose & tongue pierced after having my dragon (that’s how I see my baby, the kid can totally blow fire & fly).

Honestly, I just have to stick to my schedule.. I have every hr planned out.. But when sh!t got real all I could do & focus on is this job search bullsh!t.

At this point, I just see it like a bandaid just rip the sh!t off. I’m soo ready to skip the applying, hiring, training, adjusting process.. Someone wake me up with 3 months pay so I can get back to other sh!t that matters.

This is another issue of mines I get completely tunnel vision on a certain task, I can lose hrs-months focusing on one thing. But I’ve been told it can be a gift if I learn how to hone it. Eh I suppose... hopefully someday soon.

At this point, I’m just manifesting a high paying, medium to low demanding, a relatively easy-going job for myself.

I can’t even stop talking about it... UGh, and if I take a break I immediately am just filled with guilt over the whole situation. I barely even eat anymore and this is a bad cycle of mines.

I’ll stress out, stay up night & day working hard & focusing on something, then barely get sleep or eat, and eventually get sick, and then depressed. While through the whole process being bombarded with guilt over everything I do.

This job is more than just a solution to my financial woes & related stressed, it’s going to help my psyche as well. Get me out of a rout and out of this home.. I’ve been tucked away in my home since April.. It’s been extremely maddening.

Whelp I have an early celebratory cold dessert calling my name, and I totally deserve to get my @ss off of this laptop!

If there as to be one the Moral of the sess is: “Sometimes you just have to pound sh!t out. Sit down and do it!”

Eh kinda crummy but did I mention that my brain is mush right now.. It’s a wonder I can even type.

[mrsavis-blog]

I should have been awake, hrs ago

“UUUGHHHHHH, OH MYSELF”... lol I do it for the “Lolz” .. 

I was supposed to be up oh just only...8 hrs ago... Oh well, ..dammit 

Nothing colossally disturbing shall be of consequence from my oversleeping. To give myself the credit I did wake up around 7ish, but I was back to sleep by 11. *Smacks teeth*

I thought this was going to be a nightly thing honestly. But it feels good to let my thoughts escape into another word. It can’t be healthy to hold them captive forever until they fade, into the dark abyss of lost thoughts. 

If you’re wondering.... “Nope”, I have no one I can just turn to, and mindlessly chat away until my social meter is filled.. to satisfaction. Everyone I know is busy being an “Adult”, all my friends that I’ve managed to trap, bound, and lock away into a lifetime friendship with me.... Yea those people are also busy ...doing the opposite thing of me lol. They have careers ppl... I have you.

I should be trucking forward and filling out thousands of applications to get a job. Which don’t get me wrong I’m no stranger to... But, honestly every time I start to make progress and do some “Real Productive Adult Sh!t”, it lasts a few days to a week. Then my brain + hormones start to play a game of distraction, compulsiveness disorders, emotional swings, and even sometimes good ole’ depression.

Nothing majorly traumatic has happened to me, (*thinks to self* at least I don’t think so.. it’s worth exploring into that thought later) that I need to seek out help for. Just a bunch of minor to medium things, properly spread out over a course of my thus far... lifetime. I’m totally typical in soo many ways.. I’m sure?

Nah, my specific issue with filling out these d@mn apps is that they’re all online. It gives me a false sense of time.. I fill them out all day, but then sit there and overthink and perfect them.. 

Let me explain a little... I brought in a new life to this galaxy about 2 yrs ago. The entire journey from start to finish was MAJORLY EXHAUSTING... Before being implanted with the seed of life, I was an athlete & a vegan. So Nah, being out of shape did not contribute to my lack of energy.

Wait ..wait..wait .. hold up a min. Nah, nope, ... not huh.. I’m not going down this road.. not this soon ..not this time “Literally”. I’ll dive into my preggers story another time.. That’s an ENTIRE story itself that will take some influencing of my mind and more time to type... Plus it’s a lot to relive.

Okay back to my point... LONG F#CKING STORY SHORT (*thinks to self* it feels good to curse again even if it’s not out loud or fully spelled out), I was a stay at home mom for a while, then a student again, and finally worked for a Multilevel Company for awhile.

Putting that sh!t on a resume takes some finessing, especially if you want the jobs that pay the big bucks. I’m a bartender, or at least that’s what I was before I was a full-blown Goddess.. That’s Got-damn Right, you bring in a new life into this Galaxy you get upgraded and transformed into a Full-blown @ss Goddess.

I want/need to go back to bartending; even though I have a legit Bachelors in Biology w/ a Minor in Chemistry, a Cosmetology certificate w/ hundreds of overtime hrs (people in the field, understand), and the capability & self-awareness that I need to be doing something bigger & better w/ my life.

Bartending is the easiest job to get ASAP because of 1. my work history is slightly impressive and screams, “SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING & CAN BE TRUSTED” .. 2. I’m surrounded by literally hundreds of places to work ... 3. I studied my drink recipes & can still accurately free pour.

But it’s a busy work type of job, meaning you either are actually too busy or you are given a bunch of task to keep you busy. La-de-da-de-da right? So what big whoop ... everybody works. I know ... The point I’m trying to hit and seem to be stumbling upon is that, I need the money asap.. Like Literally about 3-4 months ago. I’m up to my eyeballs in debt, idk how the rent is going to be paid on time (and just last month we almost got evicted.. I’m talking another 20 +hrs would’ve gone by, ... and I would’ve been out on the streets with my fam..), and I already borrowed from two different family members just to keep our place & feed my family.

There is nothing glamorous about the struggle life... That will work for the moral of this mini-sess.. *clears throat* ... Moral: Don’t bullshit when you can progress.. 

For example... I’m busy click-clacking away on this keyboard doing something although argumentatively therapeutic, it is currently time-wasting. I ought to be slaving away, feverishly filling out hundreds of job apps. But I have an inner contentedness that knows everything is going to work out. *thinks to self, we do have 2 checks coming in a couple of weeks, **counter thinks: But I don’t count my chickens until they hatch...ugh***

This is a little bit of my issue I have a false sense of having time to take forever. On top of continuously telling myself, I will get on it in an hr, ... okay later this evening, okay after dinner, alright I’ll do it all night until I go to sleep... okay for the last 3 hrs.. Who am I fooling .. I’ll do it tomorrow. 

Then BAM! another week of this shit plays out, and those grow into months *roll my eyes* 

 With all that jargon being said, I better sign off & do something productive.

[mrsavis-blog]

Just as the tittle hints...

I truly should be sleep... I’m going to most definitely pay for this in the AM.

Just to answer your question, by the way, “IDK”...

 I have no idea what this spontaneous, mini-blog is going to be focused on, based off of, or if it’ll last..

Honestly, I kinda think this is some weird barely coherent attempt of me trying to grasp onto something I can actually control.

My life has been on an exhausting, overly stressful tailspin journey for the past 6-3 yrs lol.

But I’m sure I’ll unpack all of the, not so glorious details eventually. At some point, my neurotic side will pop up, and over organize this page.. In an attempt to gain some control, and relief from pressure, built up over some trivial thing stressing me out .

This has been a slightly enjoyable test run, (setting up my Tumblr more specifically), but the tiny digital clock on the bottom of my laptop screen.. is starting to really chap my mental @ss... 

“Tick tock ....tick tock...,” Why is the brain soo amazing, that I can hear a deafening soundtrack of a clock ticking down. that actually makes no sound.

As I continue to type out these random fragments of barely string able thoughts, I immediately realize that this will not be a blog that cares about Grammar... Sorry, I don’t give a flying fantastic f#ck.

I also do apologize to anyone whom..who?... Whoever is trying to read this jumble rambling.. But hey if you enjoy that sort of thing, then you’re “Welcome”, and you have the right place.

Especially since this whole project, is for more of a “sense of relief” of all the BULLSH!T my mind holds on to every day.

Just last week you wouldn’t have caught me up at this time, even though my younger self used to stay up through the night... Until 7 AM usually... Now I have responsibilities, and although I have nowhere I’m obligated to be these days.. I do have an offspring... who is very particularly happy, attending a certain someplace, that opens at the... crack of the Sun, hitting the earth with its UV rays.

UUUGGHHH ..... *Raspberry*

I guess the moral of this posting is start new sh!t often, and self reflect on ways to be happier. 

Although I am still very unsure, I am rather happy that I am at least trying to take back some manageable control over my life. Maybe I should change my title to something cliche’ like “My nightly mirror” lol...Ugh just typing that out made me nauseous.. 

Too bad there goes my 1AM something Ice Cream w/ waffles. “Shucks”

New revelation, the Gifs on this site....*sucks teeth*... “not optimal”, to say the least. Guess I’ll rely on words, and will just have to start getting creative.. But not right away, or at least not tonight... A Goddess is tired... Oh yea I call myself that... If that’s going to be a problem, leave now, but sincerely thanks for the visit. Otherwise, if you’re alright with that, and you’re still reading this jargon up to this point, then buckle up buttercup.

This is kinda fun, to say the least, to just aimlessly scatter about the random words that confine every crevice in my mental capacity... Without care for making sense or being politically correct or even grammatically... It is FREEING!!! 

Alright .. okay... okie dokes... My inner conscience,  *thinks to self, what a weird word to spell*, is trying to wrestle me down to take my @ss to sleep. Mainly because I’m supposed to get up in about 5ish hrs. Then I have a full day and probably night ahead of me as well.. But that’s all to explain probably tomorrow night .. That is if I’m not inebriated lol *HINT HINT HINT*.. 

I guess this is me signing off, and officially joining everyone else with half @ss anonymousness blogging on Tumblr.

Sayonara.