A Dominant Perspective @mrsmith73 - Tumblr Blog

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wing-ed-creature-deactivated201

polyamorous relationships can be serious.

polyamorous relationships can be long term.

polyamorous people can be married.

polyamorous relationships are real.

polyamorous relationships aren’t necessarily just about sex.

it’s not all about partner hopping and promiscuity.

toodomforyou

This new trend on Tumblr of calling all brats and littles abusive and manipulative is really getting to me, I shut down my side blog because I couldn't take it anymore. I'm a good person why does everyone in the community hate me so much?

I think there is a pretty significant level of disconnect between the “pro brat” crowd and the “anti brat” crowd on exactly what the term “brat” actually means and that this disconnect is what is contributing to the conflict.

I think a lot of the folks who identify as brats are basically saying “I can be kind of a sassy smartass with my dom, so I’m a brat”.

And the “anti-brat” crowd isn’t meaning it that way at all. They are using “brat” as a term for someone who intentionally disrespects or subverts rules in order to garner punishments from their dominant or otherwise get their way. And that is an entirely different issue, because that is disrespectful to the relationship, to the dominant, and to the power-exchange.

Back when I was coming up in the BDSM world, we had a term for the sassy, smartass type of submissive: SAM. Smart-Ass Masochist. When a lot of folks say “I’m a brat”, I feel like they’re using brat synonymously with what we used to call a SAM. Maybe that’s a term that should come back? Because being a bit of a smartass isn’t inherently a bad thing. But intentionally disrespecting rules and using bad behavior to manipulate your dominant? That’s pretty much “shitty submissive 101” right there.

If you’re a smartass and your dom understands that about you and it’s part of your dynamic, that’s fine. If you’re subverting your rules intentionally, that’s not fine. Simple as that.

As far as littles go, I haven’t seen pushback against littles in general- what I *have* seen is pushback against some of the toxic “little” behavior that sometimes gets glorified on tumblr- one post in particular that was a great example was a little celebrating the fact that she had interrupted her dominant’s important business meeting to tell him she wanted a hug- and dude, I’m all for identifying toxic behavior like that and saying “hey, that isn’t ok and it’s certainly not cute”.

So on the case of littles it’s not so much a demonization of the little lifestyle as it is an acknowledgement that some of the specific behaviors that get glorified here on tumblr aren’t very healthy.

Just my 2 cents, anon.

-LMS

sirwelph-deactivated20181216

Things a Dom Needs

1) Do what you’re told. Not just when you want to, not just when it’s easy, but every single time. If you’ve suddenly decided you’re a free agent that’s a conversation for negotiation in whatever format that takes in your dynamic. Until then, less talking, more obeying.

2) Keep your commitments. If me/you/we have decided on a certain protocol you’re expected to follow through. Nothing sucks the magic out of a D/s interaction faster than when BOTH people let protocols lapse and drift by the wayside. If you act like a part-time sub expect to be treated like one.

3) Try to be just a little less self-centered. The journey of submission is all about YOU, I get it. Truthfully all of us Doms get it, but there is an illusion here that needs to be maintained, and when every check-in boils down to how things are going for you and you don’t bother to ask, “How are you, are you satisfied, are you getting what you need out of me, how can I improve our shared experience?” It makes you look kinda shallow.

4) Don’t compare yourself to other people. Whether you’re poly or monogamous, every time you look at another person and say: “I’ll bet he likes them more than me.” You’re essentially saying “I don’t trust you, I don’t trust us, I don’t really believe that you want me like you say you do.” We are with you for a reason. Not receiving the desire we feel for you is deeply insulting.

5) Sacrifice. This is the deeper side of D/s, it’s where the givers separate themselves from the users. There is nothing that builds a connection faster than doing something unpleasant, when you don’t want to, without being asked, without seeking praise. It’s also very easy to take for granted, which is why you should take your time and don’t give yourself to a Dom who’s a shithead.

6) Own your tantrums. You have feelings, deep intense feelings, if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be a sub. I encourage you to learn to track when the kettle is about to boil so together we can point the steam in a safe direction. When you fuck up though, and I get a face full of hot water, and you say bad things, you need to accept that in the morning you’ll be held accountable for the things you said even if you didn’t really mean them. This can be a tough pill to swallow, which brings us to our next point:

7) Take it with grace. Ritual and submission are amazing tools to refocus the mind and de-escalate emotions, but the collar is not a magic ring, YOU make the magic. You make it by catching yourself, by breathing into your rituals, by transforming frustration and stress into submission and present moment awareness. Each repetition is a form of emotional alchemy much in the same way that CBT thought-stopping is, (that’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not Cock and Ball Torture, you perverts).

8) Help us to evolve. I’m talking about recognizing that every human being is a little bit lost in their own way, and the difference is that Doms don’t have someone constantly fixating on how to guide us into being better versions of ourselves. Deftly guiding power figures in the directions they need to go is the forte’ of the masterful submissive, and the difference between that and manipulation is that you always have the person’s own interests at heart, even when they conflict with your own. It’s easy to love a Dom as an archetype or a caricature, but to evaluate a whole human being, and desire to kneel for them anyways is the deepest expression of love. You and I may have different toolboxes, but we are building the same house.

9) Stick around. Fact is, most subs vanish as soon as the honeymoon wears off. This phenomenon of women who beg for submission then pull the ripcord at 3-7 months once it’s no longer all about them makes Doms cynical, hard, and reluctant to engage, and further shrinks the pool of the few decent guys who can do this stuff well. I think a lot of this stems from the idea that Dominance is something that’s being done to you, and not with you. If you empower yourself as a co-creator of the dynamic, you’ll be able to make it last longer. I think it might also stem from the fact that a good chunk of lifestylers (both Dom and sub) are emotionally broken jackasses. Sorry, I’m a dick.

10) Cut us some ‘effin slack for god sakes. Being a Dom is a LOT of work, it requires time, focus, and a wide open emotional bandwidth. It takes discipline to hold your ground when things are difficult, knowing that if you repair them with vanilla ‘bargaining’ tactics you will also dissolve the dynamic in the process. As a sub starts to see you as more human, it gets harder. When she/he gets to the “resistance” stage of the relationship, it gets harder. As real life starts to throw you curve balls, it gets harder. Aside from the emotional aspect of things, what it takes to keep things fresh and interesting is an aspect that is hard to appreciate until you’re the one in charge. The thing they don’t tell you about being a Dom is that even if you have the gravitas to make a girl melt, if you don’t have the creativity to constantly invent and reinvent new twists on a very old theme, you’re just a tall dark stranger standing there with your dick in your hand. Sometimes I think this is why geeks end up being better Doms than their smokey eyed, jack-booted, ‘true dom’ counterparts.

The point here is that the big “D” takes more than you think and there are going to be days, even weeks when we’re not going to be able to pull it off. I can tell you from experience that nothing means more to a Dom than when you still keep your rituals even through the thin times. Holding that space shows your strength, and you can take tremendous pride in serving with poise where your vanilla counterpart might be nagging and whining. With your devotion you pull us back like a compass, beckoning towards what is truly important, this secret journey of trust and growth that we are both on together.

thewolfawaits-deactivated201801

Cute little shy girls that blush and do as they are told

thelovinglyobedientwife

D/s reality check

Handcuffs. Blindfolds. Blowjobs.

All great components to my D/s relationship with my husband. But none of those represent the core of our marriage.

While I love everything that the lifestyle has to offer, sometimes the most powerful moments come during the mundane and routine day to day happenings.

Sure I’m reminded of my place when I’m handcuffed to our bed, brought to the edge of climax and denied an orgasm.

But I’m also instantly transported to sub space when he leaves a chore list for me on the days I am home, or when I catch myself asking him if I can make a discretionary purchase at a store, or when he orders for me at a restaurant, or when he tells me it’s bed time because he knows I’m exhausted but won’t admit it.

Sure I love when he puts one hand around my neck and pulls me in for a kiss while his other hand finds its way between my legs.

But I also love when he pulls me over into his lap so he can rub my head/play with my hair while we watch tv.

Sure I love it when he tells me to kneel on the floor and present myself to him.

But I also love when I get a text from him while he’s at work telling me to take 10-15 minutes after the kids are in bed to kneel and calm/settle myself after a long and hectic day.

For us, the lifestyle has its kinks but it’s also about meeting each other’s needs, protecting each other, loving each other and being the best version of ourselves for each other.

a-submissive-life

❤️

fortheloveofasub

Submissive Traits - Leadership

Recently my Muse sent me the Joey Hill quote in the post pictured above, and in addition to meaning a great deal to me during a time of personal and professional stress, it set me to thinking more globally about the ways in which a submissive at times serves their Master through artful and subtle leadership. Once again it pointed out to me how a submissive is not a dish rag, simply accepting direction and command, but rather a partner who expresses love and devotion through service, and yes, at times even leadership.

Tumblr is littered with references to the Anais Nin quote that begins, “I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot.” This may indeed be a commonly held feeling of many submissives, but to believe that one can have a successful D/s relationship as a submissive while abdicating all responsibility for taking the lead at times is an illusion.

You see, contrary to popular myth, a Dominant is not some infallible and omnipotent being. A Dominant is human and subject to human stresses, pressures, emotions, and needs. Sometimes that seeming rock of a Dom succumbs to the pressures of life, work, relationships, family, or loss, and suddenly does not seem so dominant. A Dominant can lose their way every bit as much as can a submissive. And like Puff the Magic Dragon, many Dominants, when confronted with overwhelming pressures or loss, will slip into their cave of self-imposed exile and retreat from the world. They often do not express themselves and the weight that they bear. That is part of what makes them seem so Dominant. Yet to the intimate D/s submissive partner, this self-imposed isolation by a Dominant can feel like rejection. When the Dominant withdraws, the submissive can themselves feel lost.

With that in mind, read the Joey Hill quote again. “If my Master is lost, I’ll find him. I’ll lead him back to himself, because to serve does not always mean to follow.” Pretty brilliant stuff I say. When a Master is not feeling so terribly masterful, when a Dominant is not feeling so terribly in control of their world, it is indeed the hour of glory for a submissive partner to truly shine in their devotion. Under these circumstances, leading a Master back to themselves is not an exercise in brattiness or challenging them to be Dominant, or to take action of some sort. No. This is the moment when a submissive can lead their Dominant back to himself by being their most devoted and submissive self. It is leadership through service. Not badgering or shaming the Dominant about poor performance, that only makes matters worse. The submissive leads their Dominant back to their dominance by giving them what they seem to have momentarily lost in life; control. Through loving devotion and service, the submissive gives their Dominant what they have lost, and in so doing slowly breathes life back into their own Master. This is not leadership in the overt traditional sense of command and control, or even leadership by example. This is leadership through service and devotion.

When I was a child we never had pets in the household because my family tended to travel a lot and could not care for them. So I walked a neighbor’s dog on a regular basis to put a little change in my pocket and frankly to fill a void. Over time I developed a bond with this dog and I will never forget the intervention that dog once made on me during a time of extreme emotional distress in my life. One day while walking the dog I remember sitting on some steps in the neighborhood and crying my eyes out where I thought no one would see me. All the while I did this, that dog just sat there devotedly before me gazing up intently and unwaveringly with his big brown eyes. Then slowly but surely, sitting at my knees, he laid his head on my lap and did not move until my outpouring of sadness subsided. This otherwise active and rambunctious dog sat there in utter devotion with his head motionless on my lap for more than half an hour. He comforted me through devotion, patience and service. He submissively gave me full control over him until I was able to stand up and lead again. He gave me unconditional love.

My Muse is not my pet. We do not have that dynamic to our relationship. But like the dog from my childhood, my Muse gives me what I need most, even in times of stress or distress. Through her utter devotion, tireless service, and unwavering love, she sometimes quietly and subtly takes the reigns for both of us. But she doesn’t use that control to lead us anywhere or make us do anything. She takes the reigns, holds them tenderly for a time, then lovingly hands them back to me. And in that act of handing me control of her, she bring some modicum of control back to my life and thus my sense of Dominance and her place of comfort.

Ultimately, by leadership through service a submissive leads their Master back to being their most authentic self, as my Muse has for me from the day we met. That is why she is a Muse. My Muse.

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2014

Image Credit Unknown

Original Tumblr Post by me-allofme

the-daring-submissive

That… ^^^ a-storyunwritten

chattelofman-deactivated2019041

Yes. We dominants are not made of stone.

sir-ruthless-the-steadfast-deac

Great text

instructor144

This ^^^

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texasred43

instructor144

Remember that, boys. She has her safeword. And she can say “I wish to be released” at any time. As bruising as it may be to your Domly Manliness, she is the one who owns the ultimate power – the power to end it.

obedience-is-the-law

Fact

mrsmith73

Both have this power, hence the C in SSC.

asexual-domme

Things to Say to Someone in Top Drop/Dom Drop

I’m okay

I love you

Thank you

It’s alright

I’m not hurt

I’m not hurt too badly

You’re lovely/wonderful/kind

I enjoyed it

It was worth it

Take your time

Do you need anything?

Do you want a cuddle?

Do you want me to get dressed/take the collar off/put the crop away?

Do you want to talk about it?

I’m here

You’re not a bad person

Top drop/dom drop usually comes from shock, guilt or insecurity about the way you have just treated someone whose well-being you care about very much. Like sub drop, it is usually accompanied by a fall in endorphins and general energy levels. Especially for aces (who I find have a greater need to be in the right mindset/’zone’ for play and intimacy), a ‘snap’ moment where you break out of play mode can throw you emotionally, and the end of play causes a similar reassessment or double-take at what happened during the scene.

Dominants in drop require the same kind of care as subs, but a different kind of reassurance.

a-submissive-life

This exists ..this is real….look after your Dom.

instructor144

This is good info. So much is made about “sub drop,” as if the Dom is just “there.” Apparently Dom drop actually is a thing, so the above is good to remember. Oddly, I’ve never experienced it, which is surprising given my brutal proclivities. I suspect that says something worrisome about my emotional and psychological makeup: I always feel great after an intense, pushing-the-limits scene.

instructor144

Reblogged at the request of a Follower who asked about Dom Drop. A tip o’ the hat to @gentlemantyrant for his mad searchin’ skilz.

Fact

Both have this power, hence the C in SSC.

nocturna7

fine-erotica

babygirlgermany

♡

fortheloveofasubmissive-deactiv

Submissive Traits - Intelligence

If submission is the teammate of Dominance then intelligence is the spoil of victory.

It is tempting to look at images of BDSM and sadomasochistic pornography and assume that a submissive or masochist must be either weak willed or feeble of mind and heart to allow someone to use and even abuse them is such a manner. After all, what strong-minded or self-assured woman would submit themselves to the physical and emotional subjugation and even humiliation depicted in such imagery? Clearly there must be something wrong with a person who allows themselves, nay even seeks out, such treatment. But not so fast, there is much more than meets the eye.

It is true that domineering men who hide their insecurities behind bluster, bravado or even violence often seek out weak or meek women as not only their foil but also sadly their emotional and physical punching bags. It is tragic and sadly all too common throughout the world in all forms of “relationships,” vanilla and BDSM alike. Often such men want nothing more than a human lap dog that will dutifully stand by their side regardless of behavior only to be kicked, ignored, and emotionally malnourished. The domineering prick wants the illusion of control to shine through for everyone around them to see as a boost to their fragile ego but never wants to be outshone or upstaged. They want their dog healing and panting at their side when it is convenient to them and out of sight and mind when it is not. Its a sad state of affairs all around and particularly for dependent or even codependent women who are subjected to and nearly held prisoner by such domineering behavior. Sadly, there are many of these domineering men who pose as Dominants and candidly give the BDSM and D/s community a bad rap.

So let me be clear. A Dominant has no need for, nor a desire for, a lap dog. Nothing could be more painfully boring or unfulfilling to a Dominant than a codependent or weak willed or minded lap dog of a submissive. A great part of the reward of submission to a Dominant is that it must be earned from a very worthy source. It may even be an outright challenge. By this I do not mean the brat submissive who is really a top and challenges every move a Dominant makes seeking to find the “One” who is tough enough to beat her at her own game. That is really just Dominance or more likely domineering in disguise. I am referring to patiently and lovingly earning the submission of a woman who is strong, intelligent, self-assured, capable, as well as beautiful, sensual, and sexually adventuresome. That is where true reward lies.

When I look down at my submissive kneeling before me I do not wish to see a cowering dog. No, I want to see the glimmer of intelligence in her eye, the knowing look that she could be anything she wants to be in this life but chooses to be here, at my feet. I want to know that she appreciates my own intellect and can match it step for step. I want a challenge not only from her body but also her mind. I want to have to work for the submission I receive. Not fight over it, earn it. I want a submissive worthy of my Dominance every bit as much as I strive to be worthy of her submission. Ultimately I want a partner who is as interesting and challenging to talk with, go places with, and experience life with as she is sexy, submissive, devoted, and serving. I want her to push me as much as I push her. I want a partner, not an automaton.

But I am a guy and like most men can be visually driven. I would be lying if I did not say that looks matter to me, that appearance plays a significant role in attraction. But looks alone only draw me closer in curious exploration and no more. Sexiness, sensuality, and overall attraction do not come from appearance alone. They are a state of mind. And there is nothing more sexy and sensual to me than a highly intelligent woman who is confident and curious about life, herself, her sexuality and other people. An outgoing, intelligent, articulate and confident woman combined with a natural curiosity and desire for exploring and enhancing her sensuality is a lethal combination for me. Add a touch of submissiveness or even a desire to submit and I am slain. The secret sauce though is in the heart and mind.

An intelligent Dominant will always seek an equally intelligent submissive. They desire a partner to dance the D/s dance with who is challenging (not combative), yet devoted. The rewards of submission are commensurate with the effort. Intelligence combined with sensual beauty is a prize worth every ounce of effort a Dominant can muster. Ultimately, when my Muse outshines me and is the center of everyone else’s attention and focus it is not an affront to me but instead perhaps the ultimate compliment. For it is a submissive who shows for all to see exactly what sort of Dominant they they kneel before.

Originally posted on July 23, 2013

Model: Evgenia Diordiychuck

monsiuer-nior

Perfect explanation. Perfect

instructor144

#THIS