Fifty Shades of Grey--REVIEW
Curious? Pfft… well of course you are. Otherwise, why the hell visit my blog. ;-)
Well people, it’s time. It’s time for me to give you my explicit, unrated review of Fifty Shades of Grey the movie. Here we go…
WARNING: If you have not read the book or seen the movie, click off NOW. There are spoilers.
I sat next to a young couple who had not read the books, seated next to them were three gay men. I assume these men were gay, because every time Mr. Grey would make an appearance on screen, one man would practically swoon and convulse right in his seat. No shade, baby. Get yours. :)
Opening. The very opening scene we hear Nina Simone’s “I Put a spell on you” — loved that. Actress Dakota Johnson did a decent job playing Anastasia Steele. But I honestly could NOT get over how puffy and swollen her eyes were. Honey, did you get any rest while making this movie? She had so much “baggage” under her eyes that I wanted to shout at the screen, “Please put two cucumbers or cold spoons on your eyes!” C’mon now! And for the love of God, comb your hair! Sheesh!
Nudity. I would like to however, commend Dakota Johnson in this section. There is A LOT of nudity in this film, and I do mean LOTS. Boobs. Boobs and more boobs all through the movie. And yes people, we see pubes. You get to see that much of her. To be THAT naked in front of not only your co-star, but I’m sure a handful of other people on set, and then have this movie released to millions… I take my hat off to her. That can’t be an easy thing to do… well I mean, unless you’re a porn star or something, then it doesn’t matter. It’s just another day at the office. ;-) Luckily, boobs are not all we see. Not only is our actress exploited, but so is the actor Jamie Dornan. We get a small glimpse of his goods. But it’s quick. Not that I was intentionally looking for his junk mind you. ;-)
Awkward dialogue. One of the most infamous lines, “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” Now this is an awkward line to begin with, so I was waiting to see how our actor, Jamie Dornan pulled it off. He didn’t. It was still awkward as fuck. It just didn’t roll over well with me for some reason. But maybe that’s me. I will say, thank God they cut out most of that cheesy ass dialogue that was in the book. “Come with me now. I’m going to take you from behind now.” Who the hell says this?? NO ONE. Dakota Johnson’s voice is so husky and low in this movie I wanted to yell at her, SPEAK UP! When he says, “I would like to bite that lip.” She responds, “I think I’d like that too.” But she answers him so timidly, which yes, is the point, it was still awkward and hard to hear her. I wanted her to clear the mucus out of her throat so I could hear her clearly.
This dumb ass Twilight Love Triangle. We see Jose make a pass at Ana, just like in the book. He calls to apologize and we don’t see him again. Hell, we don’t even see them reconcile via phone. He just kind of drops off the face of the earth and the whole time I’m thinking, Where the hell is Jose??? The actor Victor Rasuk was HOT. So quite naturally, I wanted to see more of Jose. ;-)
My two favorite scenes overall. In the book this line got to me… in a good way. "Is this nice?" This refers to an e-mail Ana sent to Christian after she did her research on the bdsm lifestyle. She sends him a quick e-mail that says, "I’ve done my research. It’s been nice knowing you." Well, Christian Grey, being who he is, shows up unexpectedly. This scene was hot in the book, but was even hotter on screen. They used the tie in this scene, which wasn’t in the book. Nice touch. The wine, the ice, and the fact that he flipped her over on her belly, and took her from behind like the arrogant bastard he is, was oh-so sexy. While he thrusts deep inside her, he asks, “Is this nice?” I wanted to throw my phone at the screen. God that was HOT! Second favorite scene. The first time in the “Red Room of Pain”. There are two reasons why this is my favorite scene. Number one, those damn shackles! Not that I want to be tied up like that, but it does make one think… hmmm what if... ;-) And number two. That Crazy in Love (Remix). This song plays in the background while the scene is taking place. Now, at first, I will admit I was not fond of the song, because I thought the music overpowered Beyonce’s voice. But when it played during this scene my jaw was on the floor. WOW is all I can give you. The beat plays in a continuous loop, and when you hear the first line of the song… It. GOES. DOWN. Holy. Shit. By this time, the couple next to me were FREAKING OUT. The girlfriend has both knees pulled up to her chest like she’s watching a scary movie, and I’m pretty sure the boyfriend’s tongue was on the ground. Hehe…
Worst scene. The second time we are in the Red Room of Pain was not great at all for me. That opera music was not a turn on, but a real mood killer. I wanted to hear/see more of the flogging. I just wasn’t feeling this scene at all. And of course the famous last scene in the book when he whips her with a belt. Okay, I think they nailed it emotionally, but I was listening intently for something. There is a particular sound a belt makes when coming in contact with bare skin. How do I know this? Glad you asked. My mother was the queen of passing out ass whippings, and as a child, I got my fair share of whippings with a belt. So I know what it’s supposed to sound like. It’s almost like a crack. I heard smack, smack, smack. Now, granted, I know this is acting, and he can’t hit her for real, but for me, I was waiting for that sound and it never came.
Speaking of coming… wink wink… Did Anastasia ever orgasm in this movie? All I hear/see is parted lips, open mouth, hair pulling, eyes squeezed tightly shut, and grunting. Never a climatic moment. Throughout the ENTIRE BOOK(S) it is all about this, earth shattering, mountain crumbling, spine tingling moment, and we did not get that in the movie. It was never delivered. There’s a line in the book after her first orgasm. She says, “That’s what all the fuss is about”. CLEARLY!! So where were her BIG-O’s??? They could have had her scream at the top of her lungs or something!
That contract and the plum dress. Ah, the contract. The piece of paper that puts this whole movie into motion. Instead of meeting for dinner at the restaurant, they meet at GREY HOUSE. The sexual chemistry is there while they have dinner and discuss hard and soft limits. By the way, (side note) Ana wore the hell out of that damn dress!! It was slinky, it showed what little curves she had, it was sexy, and Mr. Grey could NOT take his eyes off it. You see this character grow from frumpy awkward girl who says, “crap” way too much, to this sexy young woman. Beautifully done. As they are going over hard and soft limits, there are several fun and funny moments that were delivered well. The line that made almost everyone in the theater curse or groan (including me) was when the meeting concluded. Mr. Grey sat silent, looked at her intently, and said, “I’d like to fuck you into the middle of next week.” I said, “Damn!” Someone else shouted, “Aw shit!" My fifty shades virgins, so to speak, seated next to me, gasped lol. When she asked him, what would happen if she stayed, he undoes his tie, and the first button on his tunic and just stares that penetrating stare. And even though Ana is completely turned on, and wouldn’t mind getting bent over the table, she just gets up and leaves. BOOM! I LOVED THAT. I liked this scene a little better than the book.
More bEnding during the ENDING. The end scene. After being bent over like a child, punished, and made to count out loud. Ana cries. Christian looks as if he’s ready to spray his pants by the way his breathing speeds up. You can tell he loves it. In the book, Ana flees crying. In the movie however. She stays. I was completely confused by this. It is the next morning she leaves. The scene ends with him trying to chase after her. He says, “Anastasia.” She replies, “Christian.” And the elevator doors close. The screen goes black. Does this sound familiar to anyone? It should. That was their first meeting. The fact that they used this again, was pretty cool. I liked that. I thought it was cute. The fifty shades virgins were like, “That CANNOT be the end. No way! That’s the end?” Oh yes. The end. Laters, baby. Until Fifty Shades Darker that is…
Overall, there were things I loved, and things I hated. I think it did a good job portraying a troubled man, with an even more troubling past, who just so happens to moonlight as a dom. And a shy, dewy-eyed girl who gets way more than she bargained for when she meets Christian Grey. At the end of the day, this is a love story people. This series is all about compromise, whether we’re talking about sex or love. Both parties try to bend a little for the other (no pun intended). And frankly, there’s nothing wrong with that. Isn’t that what relationships are about? Compromise? For those who are out there reading all of these terrible reviews, please go see it for yourself. That’s the only way you will truly know if you will enjoy it or not. Most of the people writing bad reviews hated the book. Go figure.
But I enjoyed, and wouldn’t mind seeing it again.
Miss Gooch… Mr. Grey will see you now. ;-) Pfft... I wish…
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