I relized befor I even hit puberty that I was not like other boys as far as what boys were supposed to be interested in. But I followed the set "rules" of what boys were supposed to do. Sports, toys, friends ect.. I knew that there was a negativity that followe'd people who didn't conform to the "rules" I had seen it in person at school and on the news. I wasn't sure what my deal was but I knew that I felt vulnerable for feeling different. I have since hated labels and or conforming to the "normal". This relization and suppression sparked a lot of depression and anxieties that I've lived with as long as I can remember. I found music and art to be my sanctuary as there was no real "rules"..just different types of music and art. That's how I got by. Expanding my knowledge of art and music.
When puberty finnaly did come there was the expectations of more body hair, bo, and a deeper voice. Well my voice changed a lil but not much and I still to this day, never got that chest hair "real men" are supposed to have. Ha. So I felt my body was now telling me "your really different kido". My taste in music was and still is all over the place. But I was into the 90s grunge and alternative music mostly. I saw they were different than the music that came befor and the music that was evolving and I felt it was more relevant to myself. I soon became supper interested in creating music. Not yet a preteen, I felt I had to express these feelings that I couldnt get out of my head.
Ok backing up a couple years, in about 2nd grade on of my friends brought a playboy to school. That was when I first learned the difference between male and female not only based on anatomy but sexuality. I can now admit now that I instantly wondered what it would be like the be a girl. This is when I first started to explore my own body. I eventually found my dad's stash of Penthouse mags and I saw and read a lot of different things and I kept coming back to the female perspective and I felt more desire in being "her". But I still had the desire to have sex with "her". In the back of these mags there were the phone sex listing and I came across one for ladyboys, shemales, trannys..this was the labels I had to go on.. there were one or two pics of girls with a penis. I thought how is that possible? Is this real?
This was befor there was much access to the internet. And it was something that just wasn't talked much about. Soon my dad caught on to his mags being in different orders and I was busted haha. So I didn't see stuff like that for years. This is the being of my quest to understand my sexuality and gender identity.
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