Muck the Opera

The story of a young boy who undergoes a transformation like no other

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 3 - Scene 9

The docks - just before midnight. Mist swirls across the water. It is silent, save the creaking of the boats and the gentle lapping of the water. Captain Morgan enters. As a result of the fall from the tower, he now walks with a limp and a cane. Although still ruggedly handsome, there is now a haunted look to him. It was at this very place that he first laid eyes on her - his Mucky. Captain Morgan gazes out to sea for a few moments, lost in thought.

As he turns to leave, what seemed at first to be just a bundle of old rags lying on the ground suddenly omits a blood curdling wail. A hand emerges and reaches up towards him. Captain Morgan recoils in horror as a woman, haggard and wild, leaps towards him. Captain Morgan (pushing her away): Be gone Hag. I don’t need the likes of you near me. Be gone! The hag falls in a crumpled heap. Captain Morgan begins to stride away but as he does, the hag begins to sing, softly at first.

(to the tune of As Long As He Needs Me– Oliver)

As long as you need me Oh, yes, you do need me In spite of what you see I'm still your ol’ Mucky The one you’d al-ways grab You had a taste for my kebab My heart I let you nab I’m still your ol’ Mucky

I miss you so much, Captain Mor-gan Cos you can play me Like an organ The music swells. Rising defiantly to her feet, the rags fall away and Lady Muck stands before the stunned Captain, her soul, and nearly every other part of her, bare and vulnerable.

I won't deny your thrusts I will do any thing I must I'm here your La-dy MUUUUUCK!

*pause*

As long as yooooou…

Neeeeeed…

 *deep breath*

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The Captain runs to Lady Muck and the two embrace as the mist engulfs them. From behind a barrel Carrie emerges, her face contorted into a look of horror. Head in hands, she flees the scene.

CURTAIN

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Act 3 - Scene 8

Eliza is in her boudoir, standing before her mirror. The lines etched across her face tell of pain and hurt. All alone, she laments the destruction of Lady Muck. As moonlight reflects off a tear on her cheek, Eliza begins to sing.

(to the tune of Memory - Cats)

Eliza Moonlight  As I look from my window  I can’t see my Lady  She has withered away

Like the moonlight  All I see is pain in the world  And there is nothing I can do..

Midnight,  Is she asleep on the pavement?  Will my Muck lose her memory?  Will she ever forgive me? Is there a world where, Victor cannot cause her pain  Will she be a Lady again?

Mucky All alone in the moonlight On the streets like old days, he was beautiful then  I remember a time I knew what happiness was  Please let Mucky live again

Burnt out holes, from Victor's schemes  The stale cold, smell of his Genies  This street rat dies, another life is over But Mucky's day is dawning.

Daylight,  She must wait for the sun rise  She must think of a new life and she mustn't give in  Captain Morgan will come and steal her away  And her true life will begin

Eliza moves to the window as the orchestra swells. She is crying and praying helplessly for her Lady Muck's salvation.

You are more, than I could ever be  You never strayed from your goal  A hopeful boy, to a gracious girl  And Mucky's became Adoring

Mucky You must be a Lady  On your own, you are Mucky  You must never give in

I'm sorry, I should have given you more  But now it's over, Lady Muck is no more

The tears sting Eliza's eyes. She bows her head, full of shame and disappointment. She reaches past the window and takes up a gleaming letter opener from her desk. The curtain falls across the window and her silhouette plunges the opener in to her heart. Eliza slumps against the desk, only her shadow visible from the street below.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 3 - Scene 7

Trafalgar Square. All of London is gathered there. The atmosphere is carnival-like, with balloons, flags, a brass band and toffee apple sellers. A bandstand and tannoy have been erected at the base of Nielson’s Column, and a huge banner heralds the inaugural “Lady of London Awards.”

On the bandstand stage are Victor, LaRhonda, Eliza and Lady Litchfield, along with a number of important looking officials in top hats. Lady Litchfield is dressed in a spectacular candy-stripe gown with matching headpiece. She appears to be rehearsing her acceptance speech. At the front of the stage, Lady Muck and Carrie can be seen chatting excitedly. Big Bertha stands a short distance away from them, smirking. LaRhonda, who is wearing a leopard skin stole, moves to the centre of the stage and taps the microphone.

LaRhonda: Hello…

There is loud feedback. The crowd winces.

LaRhonda: Hello, hello? Can you hear me? Victor, is this on?

Victor nods curtly, his rictus smile barely masking his contempt.

LaRhonda (arms outstretched): My friends! Hello to you all! Thank you again for coming out today. Please, do join me in another round of applause for my dear husband, without whom this prestigious new event on our social calendar would never have been possible. Victor nods as the crowd applaud. La Rhonda: We’re mere moments away from crowning our very first Lady of London... The crowd cheer ecstatically. But first, a special treat for you. A very very dear friend of mine, who has come a long way to be here today…all the way from the driver’s seat of my Bentley, in fact. Please welcome, the divine Gordon (LaRhonda stumbles as she forgets the surname) umm, Jones!

A beaming Gordon leaps onto the stage, dashingly attired in a white lounge suit. His smile only wavers briefly when he catches Victor’s steely gaze. Gordon begins to sing.

(to the tune of She’s a Lady – Tom Jones)

Gordon Well she’s all you'd ever want she’s the kind who likes to flaunt, but she’s no sinner. And she always wears her face. She's got style, she's got grace, but who’s the winner?

She's a Lady. Whoa whoa whoa, She's a Lady. Might even be this little lady (Gordon points and winks at Lady Litchfield who giggles) Oh the lady is fine. Wears her skirts down to the shin. She’s got skin like porcelain; she’s good at dressing. To her charms we’ll all acquiesce All objections, they will cease; have you tried guessing? Who’s the lady? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is she the lady? (he points at Big Bertha) London deserves a special lady, and this Lady must shine! Well a lady needs that magic touch, so women want to be her And that magic touch will help her get the gentlemen to see her Once she gets under your skin, it’s impossible to flee her I would build a model of her, from my pile of clay. Hey, hey, hey. Victor (impatiently): Hurry up and announce the winner, you prancing fool!

Gordon (glaring at Victor) Well the time is finally here You must all lend me an ear. You will be awe struck. Lady of London you can see Standing here in front of me, why it’s La-dy Muck!

The crowd erupts.

Muck’s the lady. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Muck's the lady! Lady Muck is now London’s lady, and it’s Lady Muck’s time. Yeah yeah yeah She's the Lady!

As the music continues the crowd celebrates by dancing wildly. Confetti and fireworks explode overhead. A genuinely stunned Lady Muck’s mouth falls open. She puts her hands to her face and pinches herself to ensure she isn’t dreaming. Carrie jumps up and down euphorically. She throws her arms around her beloved Muck and begins to guide her towards the stage. The crowd all jostle to congratulate the new Lady of London. Lady Muck ascends the stairs where she is greeted with a hug from Gordon. She waves and blows kisses to the crowd. Lady Litchfield is furious, her face an unnatural purple, but she nevertheless graciously offers Lady Muck two nonchalant air kisses. Eliza looks sick as Lady Muck hugs her close. For a moment it seems Eliza may be about to say something, but LaRhonda swoops in, takes Muck by the hand and leads her towards the centre of the stage. Victor is waiting with a crown and trophy.

LaRhonda: Isn’t she wonderful? Isn’t she grand? Our Lady of London at last is crowned!

More cheers. Victor smiles sinisterly at Lady Muck as she assumes position. He lowers the crown onto her head, and presents her with the trophy. Lady Muck holds it aloft in triumph. The crown cheers louder still.

Lady Muck: Thank you! Thank you all so much! I love you and god bless us, everyone!

Victor: Ladies and gentleman, it gives me great pleasure to present to you Lady Muck. A true Lady…if ever there was one…

The crowd whoop and holler. Carrie leaps about and waves maniacally. Lady Muck beams. Victor moves behind Lady Muck. Eliza finds her voice.

Eliza (her voice catching): No…

With one swift movement Victor tears Lady Muck’s gown and undergarments from her body. Two bags of flour instantly fall away from her cleavage and explode on the ground. Lady Muck is naked, and although it must be a very cold day, there is no mistaking the fact that she is in possession of something no Lady can ever possess. The crowd gasp. Lady Muck is still holding the trophy above her head.

Lady Muck: What?

Carrie (breathlessly): You’re…you’re a…

Lady Muck realises that she is naked and starts to scream. She drops the trophy and tries in vain to cover herself. Lady Litchfield, who has until this point been standing dumbfounded, starts to cackle hysterically. Others join in. Before long everyone in the crowd is laughing and pointing. Eliza tries to run to Lady Muck but Victor intercepts and holds her back, all the while pointing and laughing like the rest. Only Gordon and LaRhonda maintain sympathetic, albeit mildly repulsed, composure.

Carrie’s face is contorted in horror as she gapes at Muck’s crotch, unable to tear her eyes away from “it” and the hideous truth. She finally starts to back away slowly from the bandstand, swaying unsteadily on her feet. Then she turns, falls onto all fours and vomits violently. Big Bertha runs up to her and holds Carrie’s hair, glaring back at Muck, who is still trying to protect her modesty. Carrie leaps up and flees the stage. The rest of the main characters retreat as the bandstand lowers a desperate Lady Muck into the howling crowd. The crowd begin to dance circles around her as she clambers to get away.

(to the tune of O Fortuna – Orff Carl)

Lady Muck searches for an escape but she is cut off at every turn by London’s high society as they relish her downfall.

Society Muck is a fraud Muck is no broad Muck’s reign ends pre-ma-turely

Muck did deceive It’s time to leave Betrayal oh so ghastly

Muck is a guy Chromosome Y And he’s not even hand-some

Can not defend. This is the end! And high society will banish Muck to hell…

As the music reaches its crescendo, Lady Muck falls to the ground, defeated. The crowd swarm her like flies on excrement. They claw and hiss. They wave flaming torches. Amidst the melee, Lady Litchfield crows triumphantly to the heavens. Lady Muck disappears from view.

The music ends. The crowd dissipates. There is nothing left of Lady Muck but the pair of ruby red shoes from the Harrods display. The stage is soon empty, save for Marvin the Tramp, who snatches up the shoes, sniffs them and darts away. The stage is plunged into darkness.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 3 - Stage Montage 2

The Parlour. Victor sits in an armchair drawn close to the fire. The flames dance across his steely countenance. In one hand he holds the photograph of Lady Muck and Carrie. His other hand moves languidly through the fur of a Persian cat curled up on his lap. Victor is scheming. A few moments pass and the door to the parlour opens. Eliza moves hesitantly into the room. She looks uneasy and has clearly been summoned there. She edges towards Victor, who turns his head slowly to her as she nears the centre of the room. Victor rises menacingly from his chair and bears down on Eliza, whose face bears a startled expression. She takes a few steps back. The stage goes dark.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 3 - Scene 6

The interior of the stables at Victor’s country home. The wooden stalls are empty. A collection of saddles and stirrups hang from the walls. Victor is preparing to embark on a fox hunt and is dressed in a bright red riding jacket. As Victor bends over to lace his boots, four fine fillies trot onto the stage. They startle Victor by beginning to sing suggestively. (to the tune of S&M – Rhianna) Horses Neigh neigh neigh neigh Climb on Neigh neigh neigh Climb on Neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh Climb on Neigh neigh neigh Climb on Climb on Climb on Neigh neigh neigh neigh The horses rear up to form an arch, which Big Bertha strides through. She is dressed in thoroughly modern riding attire - including jodhpurs - and slaps her thigh with a riding crop. Big Bertha Over here, Carrie’s Dad! (Horses: Oh, oh, oh oh) Of your time just want a tad (Horses: Oh, oh, oh oh)

Big Bertha leans in whisper. I’ve brought priceless treasure Will trade you for pleasure Victor raises an eyebrow and approaches Big Bertha. Victor What the devil do you mean? (Horses: Oh, oh, oh oh) Safe to say, I’m intrigued (Horses: Oh, oh, oh oh) Curious nature of your offer Piques my interest, sure

Big Bertha (poking her riding crop into Victor’s chest) ‘Cause you are a cad But I’m def-i-nate-ly no saint I‘ve a se-cret Gua-ran-tee It will sully and taint Your fine name 'Twill burn with shame And cause real controversy

Big Bertha twirls coquettishly and breaks into a choreographed routine with the horses.

Big Bertha But all is not lost If you ravish me now with zeal After we’re done Well that’s when To you I will re-veal Shocking truth But with my proof You'll a-vert controversy

Horses (circling Victor and nudging him towards the beguiling Big Bertha) Neigh neigh neigh neigh Get on Get on Get on Big Bertha I know a  Secret Horses Climb on Climb on Climb on

Big Bertha I will not Keep it

Horses So long So long So long

Big Bertha Ruined You will be Horses Climb on Climb on Climb on

Big Bertha Unless you Do me

Victor strokes his chin and eyes Big Bertha admiringly. Victor (laughing) Blackmail’s good; blackmail’s fine (Horses: Oh, oh, oh oh) You’ve a heart, after mine (Horses: Oh, oh, oh oh) Not too odious to do upon the stable floor

Big Bertha 'Cause I have my wiles And I know that you can’t resist Victor Don’t you believe I won’t tell You to cease and desist?

Big Bertha Sure you might But should you slight Me, I’ve bought some In-sur-ance Victor and Big Bertha begin to cavort in the loosen straw that covers the stable floor. The horses circle them.

Horses Neigh neigh neigh neigh Mount up Mount up Mount up

Big Bertha And ride me Ride me

Horses Mount up Mount up Mount up

Big Bertha I'm feeling Tidy

Horses Mount up Mount up Mount up

Big Bertha I like what you do.

Horses Mount up Mount up Mount up

Big Bertha I’ll give you A clue

Big Bertha and horses M...M...M 4 C...C...C M...M...M 4 C...C...C Victor ponders the clue and dismisses it with a shrug. He continues to paw at Big Bertha, whose eyes roll back in triumphant ecstasy.

Big Bertha Oh I love the feeling Of jus-tice served Oh, it turns me on That’s exactly why I’m going to tell you What your daughter’s done

You’ll find her in her boudoir Lying with Lady Muck, Muck, Muck… Victor (suddenly leaping back from Big Bertha) I don’t be-lieve it!

Big Bertha turns fierce. She pulls the photograph of Lady Muck and Carrie from her garter and thrusts at Victor's face. Big Bertha Cause I may back stab But I look good while doing it Take a look here If you don’t Be-lieve what I have said Though you laugh This photograph Tells a re-veal-ing Story

A horrified Victor snatches the photo of Lady Muck and Carrie that Big Bertha has just pulled from her garter. He lets out an unholy cry and strides furiously from the stable.

Horses Neigh neigh neigh neigh Come on Come on Come on

Big Bertha It fills me With glee

Horses Come on Come on Come on

Big Bertha London all For me

Horses Come on Come on Come on

Big Bertha Once Carrie And Muck

Horses Come on Come on Come on

Big Bertha Are fi-na-ly F**ked!

Big Bertha and horses L...L...L 4 Me...me...me L...L...L 4 Me...me...me L...L...L 4 Me...Me...Me

Big Bertha claps her hands and cackles triumphantly, while the horses whinny their approval.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 3 - Scene 5

The clock tower of Muck Manor. Having received Lady Muck’s summons to meet here, Captain Morgan arrives just as the clock strikes ten. He can be heard knocking on the door and then opens it when there is no answer. He emerges from the shadows and surveys his surroundings. Overhead, an owl calls mournfully from the rafters. In the centre of the tower, on a makeshift altar surrounded by candles, Lady Muck is laying serenely. She is resplendent in all her finery and snoring gently. The only hint of wrongdoing is the silk chord someone has used to bind Lady Muck’s hands. A gasp escapes Captain Morgan’s lips as he realises it is her. He bounds to her side and drops to his knees. Captain Morgan: My lady. My darling. Wake up, wake up. What has happened to you? Oh lord, let her not be dead. Captain Morgan’s efforts to rouse Lady Muck prove futile. He clutches her to his chest and gazes heavenwards, praying silently to a higher power.  A figure appears in the doorway. It is Carrie. Her hair is wild and her face flushed. She is dressed in a flowing white wedding gown. Her appearance is eerie and other-worldly, like that of a Victorian wraith. As she enters she beings to sings. (to the tune of Total Eclipse of the Heart – Bonnie Tyler) Carrie Turn around My Lady Muck is sleeping So don’t wake her Just be quiet We don’t need to make a sound

Captain Morgan (cocking his head before dismissing the voice as his imagination) Was that a hound? Never mind My Lady Muck what happened to you? Here you lie like Sleeping Beauty locked in a tower… Carrie (louder) Turn around! My Lady Muck is safe and sound But if you don’t step back from her The same will not be said about you… Captain Morgan (turning to face Carrie with a start) You! You’ve bound - my Lady Muck in ropes  You crazy wench She best be fine or else by golly you’ll be sorry I swear… Carrie You astound, Cap-tain! Lady Muck has always been mine And you’ll find, Cap-tain… Carrie pulls a revolver out from her skirt. …that you’re the only one who’s not fine! You see I need my Muck tonight And our love you will not sever So let’s not waste time with a fight For it is Muck and I forever We’ll be tipping the velvet all night Because I’m telling you now… A tether runs between out hearts Entangles our souls For me her flames of love will rage You’re smouldering coals (Owl in the rafters: Smouldering coals) You did my Mucky wrong You played the role of shark So now I stand before you with a truth oh so stark! I really need Muck for life It's her muffin that I want to bite And our time together starts tonight Carrie lowers the gun as she gazes off wistfully at an imagined future with her beloved. The owl flutters down from the rafters to rest on a beam beside Carrie. Owl Once upon a time a boy turned into a girl And to that girl she’ll always be stuck Carrie I love her through and through She’ll always be my Lady Muck Instrumental Taking advantage of Carrie's momentary distraction, Captain Morgan leaps forward and knocks the revolver from her hands. It disappears over the edge of the tower. Carrie emits a scream of frustration and flies at Captain Morgan, clawing at his face. They wrestle, but Captain Morgan overpowers Carrie and pushes her back up against the wall. His hands find her throat and he starts to choke her. Captain Morgan You’ll die fiend Not me Carrie Yes you will The dead you will join Captain Morgan You’ll die fiend Not me! Carrie Just feel my knee connect with your groin Carrie’s knee does indeed connect with Captain Morgan’s sizeable bulge. Howling in pain he lurches backwards, while Carrie snatches up a nearby plank of wood and swings it wildly. The plank connects with the side of Captain Morgan's head. Carrie This road comes to an end tonight! (Owl: End tonight) Oh yes we’re wrapping up the saga You thought you’d make my Muck your bride (Owl: Muck your bride) A life of tallywags and lager! Well although it has been quite a ride (Owl: Quite a ride) I think you know it can no… …further. If it did we might all be here for years And if I’m honest - I’m impatient - let me be clear (Owl: That much is clear) Captain Morgan (dazed from the blow) I don’t know what to do… Carrie Just take it like a man… Captain Morgan All this for a Lady? I choose life over this sham! Carrie Too late - you’ll always bring strife! So I’ll use this plank in lieu of a knife And my life with Muck can start tonight… With one final swing of the plank of wood, Carrie sends Captain Morgan stumbling back to the edge of the tower. He teeters for a moment, arms flailing. Captain Morgan Curse you to the end How you meddled with us It finally seems I’ve run out of luck But let me tell you Carrie She’ll always be my Lady Muuuuuuu….

Captain Morgan disappears over the edge. Carrie turns towards Lady Muck, still sleeping peacefully. Owl (to the audience) Once upon a time a boy turned into a girl And to that girl she’ll always be stuck Carrie I love her through and through She’ll always be my Lady Muck Carrie walks towards Lady Muck, who is stirring. She unties Lady Muck's hands just as her eyes flutter open. Lady Muck yawns, stretches and looks around vacantly at her surroundings. Lady Muck: Where’s the Captain? Carrie I’m sorry my darling, he never came. Lady Muck: I’m hungry! Carrie (smiling and stroking Muck’s hair): Of course you are, my sweet one. The stage goes dark.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 3 - Scene 4

The drawing room of Muck Manor. Late afternoon. An expansive tea has been laid out on the far side of the room. Lady Muck enters.

Lady Muck (calling over her shoulder): Oh and Emily make sure you leave out the Vulcan gown for Lady Grassiass’ soiree tonight. I do think it is the most appropriate shade of lilac.

Lady Muck spots the cream cakes and squeals in delight.

Lady Muck: Oh goody! Tea time at last!

She skips across the room but trips over the waste paper basket and stacks it. The scrunched up note flies across the floor. Groaning, Lady Muck sits up and angrily kicks the basket away.

Lady Muck (grumpily): Stupid basket…oh, what’s this?

She notices the scrunched up note, picks it up and opens it, her expression one of curiosity. As she reads her jaw drops open in astonishment and the music starts.

(to the tune of Enough is Enough – Donna Summers)

Lady Muck sings the slow part of this song from her place on the floor.

I’m fretting Palms sweating I’m not really getting what I see This note to me.

No context; no pretext Just his text; don’t make sense in my mind Is he being unkind?

Captain Morgan was my perfect lover but he turned out to be like every other man

A bastard A bastard!

Fretting Sweating Confusion is welling up inside I feel like I, want to, hide!!

As the music swells Lady Muck climbs to her feet.

I thought he was bad Washed my hands with the cad That was that.

Now I’m courting a girl She’s my friend, it’s a whirl But do I want that?

I thought I had moved on But my heart is telling me I’m wrong! Captain Morgan’s still the one If he strode into this room it's to him I’d run.

Enough of the muff Carrie must know, I love her but not that way Fair enough, it was tough (he was rough) But it’s only fair; I give him the chance to explain

So stubborn I’ve been Oh so blind; should have seen He’s a catch Our love is real Can't deny what I feel In my faux-snatch For Carrie there’s a twinge of guilt But she simply isn’t built like the Captain’s built!

Enough of the muff (is enough) I love her so but I’m no carpet muncher. Moustache, a moustache (a moustache) That is what I want to feel when I kiss someone.

He left me this note, for me to discover. He wouldn’t do that if he was rogering another!

My love! My love! My love! My love! My loooooove!

Lady Muck starts to run around the room, preparing to leave.

That’s it. That is it (That is it) My mind’s made up; I’ll send word to the Captain. To come over here. (Over here) I want him now; I must speak with him right now.

Enough of the muff! Woo!

Lady Muck freezes. Lane enters.

Lane: Miss Carrie to see you, m’lady.

Carrie enters, removing her cape and hood and passing it to Lane, who receives it and exits the room.

Carrie: Oh Mucky Moo, I’ve had the most frightful afternoon. I mean if you had only seen the vagrants I encountered while out walking…

Carrie stops short as she spots the note in Lady Muck’s hand.

Carrie: What…what do you have there Mucky?

Lady Muck: Oh Carrie, you’ll never believe it. Captain Morgan has returned to London and requested an audience with me! Unfortunately his note was mistakenly scrunched up and put in the waste paper basket so I’ve missed the proposed engagement. Therefore I’m going to send word that he should call on me later tonight.

Carrie laughs nervously and pours herself a whiskey from a decanter on the sideboard.

Carrie: Mucky Moo, you’re not honestly considering meeting the fiend after what he did to you? That’s absurd! Besides, it wouldn’t be polite to make a spectacle of our blossoming romance in front of him…

Carrie downs the whiskey in one gulp. Lady Muck walks to Carrie and takes her hands.

Lady Muck: Carrie darling, you know I adore and I always will. These past few days have been…well they’ve been…different. But I just don’t think I’m cut out for tipping the velvet. And besides, I fear I’m still very much in love with the good Captain. Oh, do you hate me?

Carrie is aghast and lost for words. Lady Muck hugs her close.

Lady Muck: Oh Carrie I knew you’d understand. Now, I’m off to telegraph Captain Morgan and ask him to come over promptly at 10 o’clock. Hmm, where did I leave my muff?

Lady Muck moves to the desk and starts to rummage around. As though in a trance, Carrie picks up a nearby candelabra and moves to strike Muck from behind. She suddenly comes to her senses, checks herself and lowers the candelabra.

Lady Muck: Ah here it is. You can show yourself out, can’t you darling?

Carrie (flatly): Actually I thought I might wait for you to return. Perhaps when you do we can have some of this fine tea Ms Babcock has prepared? It would be such a shame for it to go to waste.

Lady Muck: What a gorgeous idea! I won’t be too long.

Lady Muck blows a kiss and leaves, humming “Enough is Enough”. Carrie turns towards the pile of cakes and approaches it insidiously as the stage goes dark.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 3 - Scene 3

Dusk at Speaker’s Corner, Hyde Park. A dishevelled trotskyist is addressing a small band of ne'er-do-wells. He gesticulates wildly, calling for revolution. Several tramps and vagrants are congregated around a park bench. Captain Morgan stands to one side, sturdy as the oak tree that shelters him. He is draped in his travelling cape, eyes are alert. Carrie enters, a hood drawn up over her head as though in disguise. She looks about her, spots Captain Morgan and approaches him, removing her hood as she nears him.

Carrie: Captain Morgan I presume?

Captain Morgan: Yes?

Carrie looks the Captain up and down, screws up her nose and gives an indifferent shrug.

Captain Morgan: And you are?

Carrie: I come on behalf of Lady Muck. She received your note and asked that I deliver one in return.

Captain Morgan (looking crestfallen): Oh. I had rather thought she would come herself.

Carrie (eyes flashing with rage): Yes, well a man of such staggering arrogance as you would think that.

Captain Morgan: I’m sorry?

Carrie: Beast!

Carrie slaps the Captain sharply.

Captain Morgan: Right. Well. You’re certainly a spirited little thing. Perhaps it would be wise for you to deliver my beloved’s message, before I have call to draw my musket...

Carrie (scoffing): You’re beloved indeed! Very well, Captain Morgan. As you wish. I shall read your Lady Muck’s words…

Glaring at the Captain, Carrie unrolls a piece of Lady Muck’s headed stationery, clears her throat and begins to sing.

(to the tune ofYou Outta Know – Alanis Morrisette)

Carrie Dear Captain Morgan You have done me wrong But I’ve found the strength To say to you…

Quite simply you’re not all that In fact you’re kind of a prat And you’ve a bad case of halitosis Your ear lobes are far too fat Penchant for ugly cravats Our union had a disappointing prognosis

Carrie’s voice is rising as she sings, attracting the attention of those gathered at Speaker’s Corner.

And when we did fornicate It wasn’t great How I hate When I’m forced to pretend that I’ve wholly been satisfied Yeah Though how can I assign you blame When you can’t help That your manhood Is so very undersized Undersized

Gathered company His manhood’s undersized?

Carrie No I never Want to see you Not today Not next week Or ten years from now Am I clear? You’re repugnant Go to hell I’ve found another love

Leave Leave Leave Me alone!!

(spoken) Kindest regards, Lady Muck

Carrie passes the letter to the dejected Captain Morgan, flashes him an angelic smile, clicks her heels and turns to leave. The trotskyist runs up to her.

Roberto: Miss, Miss, I say, that was mightily impressive. The revolution could really use someone as vociferous as you. What do you say?

Carrie (looking Roberto up and down in disgust): I’m afraid red simply isn’t my colour.

Captain Morgan: Wait!

Carrie turns.

Captain Morgan: You think I don't know pain? Carrie (rolling her eyes): Oh god...

Captain Morgan: In my time I’ve been digested by a giant squid; had every bone in my body shattered tumbling off the end of the Earth; endured five successive bouts of scurvy; and been chained up and repeatedly sodomised by a gang of Antiguan pirates. But this! To have my beloved Lady Muck reject me? Never before have I felt a pain as profound. I beg of you, please, you are clearly her confidante. Won’t you give my Lady a message in return? I will respect her wishes, but she must first know how I truly feel. Carrie: I’m afraid I really don’t have time to…

Captain Morgan begins to sing. As the music starts, the tramps and vagrants start to gather around him, listening to his words.

(to the tune of St Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion) – John Parr)

Captain Morgan Not long ago I didn’t think a girl could steal my heart Then she did And suddenly it felt like life could start Of course just when it all Seemed to feel so right I put out my foot in it Saw my bliss ignite.

Suddenly I’m no longer a man I’m just a husk

And every smell Reminds me of my Lady’s unique musk Without her I’ll go mad It’s worse than dysentery I try so hard to move on But her face won’t stop haunting me!

Lady Muck’s there when I’m dreaming When I’m eating food that’s fried Someone'll belch and I think “is that my bride?”

Muck’s beside me when I’m slouching Staring vacantly, slack jawed I can feel her paunch against me – hang on that’s yours! A portly tramp has rubbed up against the Captain

Marvin the Tramp Oooooooo ooooh

Captain Morgan I beg of you Please let my Lady know just how I feel (Homeless chorus: Just how he feels) She deserves the truth I can separate the lies from what is real

Sure this may just be Obsession so sick But from my heartbreak I’ve con-tracted a facial tic When I’m out harpooning whales Lady Muck is in my sight One hit of opium, she's there bathed in light When comparing ‘power bottoms’ Down the pub with all the lads I can say with hand on heart she’s the best one I’ve had!

I will give up being Captain Give up sailing seas Just to feel Muck’s Fire burning in me (Homeless chorus: You need a cream!) Captain Morgan dances with the tramps before leaping up onto the park bench as all the onlookers crowd around. I cannot deny it A chord has been struck I must shout from the roof tops I love Lady Muck!!! Company (to Carrie) Here’s a man crazed with desire Only Muck can bring him peace Won’t you take his message…

Carrie (unimpressed) You mean call the po-lice…

Company Maybe give the berk a break now Take his message we implore He won’t rest until he sees her Of that we’re sure!

Captain Morgan Everything reminds me of her She’s in all the sights and sounds And she’s worth her weight so I’d pay hundreds of pounds Just to have her stand before me Beg forgiveness on my knee My heart is bleeding - bleeding for my Mucky!

Company He would give up being Captain Give up sailing seas Captain Morgan Just to feel Muck’s Fire burning in me My darling… Muckyyyyy….

Captain Morgan crumples to the floor. The crowd looks at her expectantly.

Carrie: Pathetic!

Carrie turns and leaves. The crowd disperses. Captain Morgan puts his head in his hands. Marvin the Tramp puts a comforting hand on Captain Morgan's shoulder. The stage goes dark.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 3 - Stage Montage

A sooty newspaper boy crosses the stage.

Newspaper boy: Extra extra, read all about it. Decorated sea Captain of sunken cruise ship rescued from desert island. Arrives in London. Extra! Captain Morgan strides onto the stage. He sits at a desk and hastily pens a note. Upon sealing it in an envelope, he stops a passing boy, thrusts the letter and a shilling into his hand, and points in the direction of Muck Manor. The boys scurries off. Captain Morgan leaves the stage.

The backdrop rises to reveal the fussily decorated drawing room of Muck Manor, recognisable by the huge portrait of Lady Muck hanging above the fireplace. There is a knock at the door. Mrs Babcock crosses the room and opens it. She receives the letter from the boy, ruffling his hair as she does so. She closes the door, places the letter on the side board and exits.

Moments later Lady Muck and Carrie enter, talking animatedly and holding hands. Lady Muck gestures to Carrie to wait while she attends to something off stage. Lady Muck leaves and Carrie busies herself gazing lovingly at Lady Muck’s portrait.

Carrie's eyes alight upon the letter on the side board. She picks it up, turns it over, holds it up to the lamp. After checking to make sure no one is coming, she rips the envelope open and pulls out the note.  Her eyes go wide as she reads it. Her mouth becomes tight. Carrie scrunches up the note and drops it into the waste paper basket. Lady Muck bursts in, followed by Ms Babcock, who is carrying a tray of éclairs. Carrie composes herself, claps her hands in delight and the two retire to the settee. Carrie gives one last worried glance to the waste paper basket as the stage goes dark.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 3 - Scene 2

Brighton Pier. Lady Muck, Carrie and Big Bertha are taking an evening stroll. Lady Muck is walking with her head down. Her face is concealed by a veil, under which she is listlessly shovelling fish and chips into her mouth.

Carrie and Big Bertha exchange worried glances. Eating aside, Lady Muck is still not herself. The trio reach a bench positioned between a fortune teller and a ‘Test Your Strength’ sideshow. To one side a man is offering to take photographs with an old fashioned tripod camera.

Lady Muck flops dejectedly onto the bench. Carrie and Bertha perch either side of her. Several moments of awkward silence follow.

Lady Muck (sullenly): Anyone care for some cotton candy?

Both Carrie and Big Bertha say they do.

Lady Muck: Get me some too.

Big Bertha shrugs at Carrie and exits to find cotton candy. Carrie is pale with worry. Finally she speaks.

Carrie: Mucky Moo, it has been so wonderful to have you back after all that frightful ship wreck business. But something has changed. You just don't seem yourself. To where has your wit and gaiety repaired?

Lady Muck remains silent.

Carrie (suddenly furious): This is all about him isn’t it? The scoundrel whose name you scream in your sleep.

Lady Muck (lifting her veil): Dear sweet Carrie – I know you mean well – but tell me this – what’s the point of loving when all it ever brings is misery? Misery misery misery!

Carrie (shocked at this admission): Mucky Moo! How can you say such a horrid thing? Love is what we ladies live for! It is our oxygen!

Lady Muck: Oh poo! If love is oxygen then I’m suffocating to death! No one loves poor ol’ Mucky!!

Carrie: But Mucky Moo, someone does love you! Someone has always loved you, long before you made your triumphant debut.

Lady Muck (putting her fingers in her ears): Don’t mention his name.

Carrie (pulling Muck’s fingers out and taking her hands): Not him (she takes a deep breath) Me.

Lady Muck’s eyes go wide as she truly sees Carrie for the first time.

Carrie: Please, don’t say anything yet. Just listen.

Carrie stands up.

(to the tune of What a Feeling – Flashdance)

Carrie First time I saw you I thought “what a Lady!” You had balls Oh so tough Sprayed your cream on my muff

The two giggle at the memory All alone I have cried Harboured longings Deep inside For my Mucky Mucky Moo Mucky Moo

Never thought I was dykey Maybe bi at the most But then you took a hold of my parts

What’s this feeling? Got me reeling I just want you Muck So I’ll try my luck here now I’ve got passion So let’s make it happen If you search your heart then I have no doubt you’ll see.

Lady Muck (standing and removing her hat) Now I hear your musings Close my eyes And I quiver I confess I cannot rule it out

What’s this feeling? Am I still concealing? The real me inside. From a boy to dyke? Why not?!

I feel your passion And there’s attraction. This is crazy but What the hell so what I’m in!

Both What a feeling!

Instrumental Carrie rips off her bodice to reveal a one-piece Victorian-era swimsuit. She launches into a complicated routine involving the ‘Test Your Strength’ stand. Muck attempts to rip off her own bodice but struggles, flopping about the stage. Big Bertha returns laden with the cotton candy, stops short and stares slack jawed at the scene before her.

Carrie and Lady Muck Oh this feeling! (Bertha echoes: I brought cotton candy) Got us kneeling (Bertha echoes: Still want cotton candy?) We need to explore Each other some more Tonight

Oh this feeling (Lady Muck: I don’t care our love’s a crime) Oh this feeling (Carrie: I’ve wanted this the longest time) Our lust is a crime  But it’s time More More More More… Of this feeling (Of this feeling) Leaves us reeling (Leaves us reeling) Feel the passion This will happen What a feeling!

Lady Muck and Carrie embrace each other and kiss - tentatively at first but then with increased intensity. Big Bertha squeals. She discards the cotton candy, sprints over to the nearby camera and snaps a photo of Lady Muck and Carrie locking lips. The bulb explodes in a blinding flash.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 3 - Scene 1

London is abuzz. Lady Muck has revealed she's been in hiding ever since she was suspected of being dead after the P&O Fairstar was shipwrecked. Muck Manor has been salvaged from the Battersea Lost Dogs Home and Lady Muck is beginning to reclaim her position in London high society.

However, when Lady Muck decides to take the train to Brighton for a ladies weekend, her friends notice cracks in her demeanour. Lady Muck enters the train's dining car. Salivating, she begins to sing. (to the tune of 2 Pina Coladas - Garth Brooks) Lady Muck Bring Muck, Two pina coladas I want, one for each hand Let's set sail with Captin' Morgan And never leave dry land Troubles I forgot 'em I buried 'em in the sand So bring me two pina coladas I said good-bye to my good timin' man

Lady Muck falls into a heap, throwing Pina Coladas about the carriage. Carrie rushes to comfort her, all the while sobbing.

(to the tune of Why God Why - Miss Saigon) Carrie Why does Muck never sleep at night? Why does this girl smell of palm trees? How can I show her, I'll make it right?  Without you Muck, I just can't breathe?  Mucky Moo You don't do much, do you friend? Just silences that never end Why Muck? Won't you look my way?  Muck, I'm right here & I will stay There's no one else I'd rather kiss  Just take me Muck, on a train like this? (Instrumental) With Lady Muck asleep in her arms, Carrie attempts to drag her beloved to her suite.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 2 - Scene 14

Tiki has been watching Captain Morgan since he arrived on the island. She can also see the affection Lady Muck holds for him. While Captain Morgan and the island men are fishing, Tiki decides to plot a rift between the two lovers. After some thought, Tiki sidles up to Lady Muck and “confesses” that she and the Captain made love on the banana leaves. Lady Muck is mere shock, Tiki tries to explain. The Muck Megamix begins.

(to the tune of There are worse things I could do - Grease)

Tiki: (spoken)

There was nothing, I could do, Captain pinned me, like he does to you.. On those banana leaves, he mashed me, And it was good, I'm sorry to say it's true But there was nothing I could do.

I never flirt with older guys, But they just seem to love my thighs He's a fancy Captain from a cruise Look, he even left a bruise He wanted it in my poo That's a thing I'd never do.

Tears stream down Lady Muck's face

I can't shag Ratu every night, Cause his peewee's outta sight Want gold showers every day, And get new tits one day, That's a dream that won't come true.

Tiki can see the pain she's causing Lady Muck, but needs to crank it up to finish her off.

So I hurt someone like me, Out of spite and jealousy. So Lady, go away & die, Believe me, I won't cry.

Tiki rubs her belly, smirking at Muck.

In fact, soon I'll be due For my Captains' baby too That's the worse thing I could do.

Devastated, Lady Muck runs to the beach. In the distance she sees a P&O Cruise liner, the Aurora. Heart broken, Muck runs into the water to board the ship, she glances back to Tiki, the decides she must leave without the Captain.

Captain Morgan returns to the island, and is shocked at his beloved’s sudden departure, runs across the sand, to the waters edge. He falls to his knees, his faces falls into his hands. Looking out on the horizon, he sees the P&O ship, Aurora drift slowly out of sight.

(to the tune of Stranded at the Drive In - Grease)

Timi: Stranded on the island

Ratu: Alone like a mule

Emori: What did you say?

Captain Morgan: Muck, I’m a fool

The island men gather behind Morgan, swaying as Captain sings across the sea..

Mucky can’t you see I’m in misery You made a start To get us apart There’s nothing here but trees

Timi: Your Duck has flown

Ratu: all alone

Emori: To a ship and you wonder

Island Men: why-y-y-y-y

Captain Morgan: Oh why? You left me Oh Mucky

Oh MUCKY Maybe Someday when I know what I have done Somehow, someway our two worlds will be one I’ll make undone In London So forever we will be Oh please sail my way Oh Mucky

Captain Morgan: (Spoken) Mucky my darling You hurt me real bad You know it’s true But Mucky You gotta believe me When I say I’m helpless without you

Island Men: Love has flown all alone He sit and won’t cry-y-ing, oh why?

Captain Morgan: You left me Oh Mucky

Mucky Mucky-y Why-y-y-y-y Oh Mucky

Captain remains at the waters edge as the island men begin to go back to work. Tiki emerges from the trees, as she approaches him she smiles a knowing smile.

Tiki: ‘cuse me Captin’?

Captain Morgan: Ah, u  yeh… yes Tiki

Tiki: The Lady ask me to give you a message

Captain Morgan: Really? Oh, please Tiki, please tell me

Tiki: I’m sorry Captain, but she said she didn’t love you and that she needed to get away.

Captain Morgan: Oh….. well….. um, thank you Tiki

Tiki: Don’t worry Captain, you can stay with us!

Tiki loudly whistles to the islanders, who emerge from the trees all singing to Captain Morgan

(to the tune of We go together - Grease)

Islanders: Stay here forever Like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong Together forever As shoobop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom Chang chang changitty chang shoobop Please don’t leave the island!, wha oooh, yeah

The days are fine Like dip dadip dadip doowop da doobee doo We’ll make some wine Boogedy boogedy boogedy boogedy shooby doowop shebop Chang chang changitty chang shoobop Don’t ever leave this island, wa wa wa wah

Captain Morgan: When I go out at night, there’s nothing to do in sight, there’s not even a pub

Islanders: Captain, give us a chance, you might find romance or maybe even love

Tiki launches herself into Captains arms, he catches her and quickly puts her down. The islanders surround the Captain singing, eventually he is swallowed by the crazy tribal dancing and chanting.

Rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong Shoobop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom Chang chang changitty chang shoobop Dip dadip dadip doowop da doobee doo Boogedy boogedy boogedy boogedy shooby doowop shebop Sha na na na na na na na yippity dip de doom

Rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong Shoobop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom Chang chang changitty chang shoobop Dip dadip dadip doowop da doobee doo Boogedy boogedy boogedy boogedy shooby doowop shebop Sha na na na na na na na yippity dip de doom

Captain Morgan launches himself out of the crazed dancers:

Captain Morgan: Wop baba lumop a wap bam boom

All: We're here forever Like wop baba lumop a wap bam boom Our island treasure Is sha na na na na na na na yippity dip de doom Chang chang changitty chang shoobop You’ll never leave the island! wha oooh, yeah

Captain glances back over the sea, as the rest of the islanders chant, moving back towards their camp. He ponders for a moment, then hangs his head slightly and follows the islanders.

Islanders: Our Island, Here FOEVER Our Island, Here FOEVER Our Island, Here FOEVER Our Island, Here FOEVER Our Island, Here FOEVER Our Island, Here FOEVER

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 2 - Scene 13

The island of Viti Levu, somewhere in the South Pacific. Since they were washed ashore by the storm, Lady Muck and Captain Morgan have been taken in by the people of the island and nursed back to health.

Lady Muck sits in the morning sun in front of a grass hut, weaving a pair of bloomers and chatting with three women of the village; Luana, Tiki and Adi. Muck has fashioned herself a fine hat out of palm fronds and it sits at jaunty angle on her head. As she speaks, she looks lovingly across the beach at her Captain, who is removing his shirt in preparation to go out fishing with three of the men of the village; Ratu, Emori and Timi. Muck catches his eye, gives him a wave and blows him a kiss, which he catches and holds to his heart.

Luana: I can tell you both share a love as deep and as ancient as the crystal waters of this ocean. How long have you been together?

Lady Muck: Oh Luana, you are devilishly forthright aren’t you? Hmmm let me think…well goodness, how long have we been on this island?!

Tiki: (unimpressed) Three days.

Lady Muck: Well then that makes it (thinks) five whole days since I first laid eyes on my brave and true Captain!

Luana (spitting out her juice): Oh my degei! You barely know the guy?!

Lady Muck (giggling): Oh Luana, don’t be horrid! Is time not irrelevant when love clutches you kicking and screaming to its breast? I don’t know; maybe it’s the magic of this island, or, maybe it’s just the severe head trauma I sustained in the shipwreck. All I know is that my heart is singing to me about that man, and I want to join it in chorus!

Lady Muck screeches out a note, sending parrots flying from nearby trees. The women all laugh and get back to their weaving. Across the beach, Captain Morgan has been standing stock still, captivated by his Lady. Ratu puts his hand on the Captain’s shoulder.

Ratu: You eye her like I eye a fat suckling boar roasting on the fire!

The men laugh.

Captain Morgan: Ratu my good man, you have no idea! I must confess to you, gentleman, I’ve tasted that sweet succulent fruit and I yearn for another bite. Out here in paradise (inhales deeply) a girl like that can crack open man's heart and slurp out all the love inside with the same relative ease that you folk crack open a coconut and guzzle down the milk.

Ratu: Tell me about it!

Captain Morgan: Oh I will…you see…

(to the tune of Summer Nights – Grease)

Captain Morgan Shipwrecked loving; sure is the best.

Lady Muck Shipwrecked loving; will you look at that chest! (she eyes the Captain approvingly)

Captain Morgan I met a girl, who stands up to pee

Lady Muck Met a boy, ex-military

Both Shipwreck fun, making love in the sun. How we’ve longed for this island life.

Everyone Uh Well-a well-a well-a huh

Island women Spare us please, spare us please

Tiki From your love’s grim details

Island men Tell us please, tell us please

Ratu Bet she can upstage us males!

Everyone Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh

Captain Morgan When my ship sank, I could only mope

Lady Muck (to the women) You’re all so precious, but you never use soap

Captain Morgan Such a relief we didn’t end up in Hades.

Lady Muck I’ll teach you savages just how to be ladies.

Both Our future’s grand – all surf sun sea and sand. How we’ve longed for this island life.

Everyone Uh Well-a well-a well-a huh

Island men Both near death when you were found.

Emori (pointing to Muck) Squid was wrapped round her head.

Island women But you’re now, safe and sound.

Tiki (poking Muck as she is about to take a bite of a banana) And def-in-itely well fed!

Everyone Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh

Captain Morgan I’ll be a dashing Robinson Crusoe

Lady Muck I’ll rub some oil on my Captain’s flat torso…

Captain Morgan I’ll dive for pearls and go hunting for food

Lady Muck (waving her hankiechief at the Captain) Find me some oysters! They’ll get me in the mood!

Both Live in huts and drink from coconuts. We’re so up for this island life!

Everyone Woah woah woah

Island Men If we may. Truth be told

Timi Well you’re yet to convince

Island women Not so sure. You won’t fold…

Tiki If you can’t dress all in chintz!

Everyone Shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, YEAH!

Lady Muck (to the women) I need new shoes; is there a Harrods that’s near?

Captain Morgan (to the men) Oh boy this heat; I think I’d kill for a beer.

Lady Muck Hold on a sec. I see no boutiques around!

Captain Morgan You’re telling me there’s not one pub to be found?!

Both Holy crap, we didn’t think about that. Um so yeah, about this island life…

Everyone Woah woah woah

Island women Don’t despair, you’ll be fine

Tiki (showing Lady Muck the lobster shells she has tied to the soles of her feet.) Lobster shells for your feet!

Island men (passing the Captain a cup of liquid that he skulls) As for you; chimp urine!

Ratu More heady booze you won’t need!

Captain Morgan spits out the liquid as the music slows.

Lady Muck Um so Captain, what do we do? I mean a Lady can’t wear crustacean shoes!

Captain Morgan We could go home, but I just can’t think how…

Both Wonder what we should do now… Shipwrecked days, spell the end of our ways. Ohhh, *expletive beeped out* Don’t long for… Island life!!!!!

Island folk (encircling the couple and fuming) How’s that for, how’s that for, gratituuuuuuuuuuuuuude!

Captain Morgan and Lady Muck slump down onto the sand in a huff.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 2 - Scene 12

It’s early evening. Carrie has just learnt that her dear beloved Lady Muck was aboard the P&O Fairstar when it went down somewhere in the Pacific. Beside herself, Carrie runs to Muck Manor thinking only of her beautiful Lady missing and feared dead. Carrie burdens the fact Lady never knew the love Carrie shared for her, as she is filled with loss, hope and despair, Carrie begins to cry.

 (to the tune of I Honestly Love You - Olivia Newton John)

Carrie Maybe I shouldn’t be here I wasn’t sure if I could Without you, I’ve got nowhere else to go But I’m so lost without you Lady, you made my life so good But I believe you deserved to know

I loved you Lady Muck, I honestly loved you

I wish you could answer Just to look in your eyes Maybe it was better left unsaid But you were pure and simple And I finally realize That it's coming from my heart now that you’re dead

I loved you Mucky, I honestly loved you (sobs)

(spoken) No.. No..

I'm not giving up on you, my Mucky Moo I'm not giving up on you, at all And I’ll pray to god to keep you safe everyday And I won’t stop the search til I’ve got the chance to say

I love you My Muck, I honestly love you

If we both were born In another place and time This moment might be ending in a kiss But I refuse to mourn To take you was crime So I guess I'd better leave it at this

I loved you Goodbye my Muck, I honestly love you

I honestly love you

The door to Muck Manor closes, as Carrie leaves with her heart torn in two.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 2 - Scene 11

Muck’s screams subside, the water begins to calm once again. The sea is scattered with traces of their presence, the P&O Fairstar is gone. Draped over a broken plank, Captain Morgan slowly wakes, he looks around the water; bodies from his ship are few and far between. He can’t find her, the woman he desperately didn’t want to lose

Captain Morgan: MUCK?! LADY MUCK???

When there’s no reply, Captain Morgan crumbles under the weight of total despair. Captain then here’s a muffled gargle..

Lady Muck: Mor-ghan... He-ere...

Captain spins around to see his Lady like a whale surfacing, he dives in to help her to the plank. They both sing onto the plank, exhausted from the recent horror. Captain turns to Lady Muck.

Captain Morgan: I thought I'd lost you, my beautiful Lady.

Lady Muck stares blankly into his eyes, the Captain begins to sing. {Stage direction: Stage is empty, backdrop is an ocean blue, it's sunset/early evening. The plank the two lovers share slowly drifts across the stage throughout the song.

(to the tune of Endless Love– Lionel Richie)

Captain Morgan My love, there's only you in my life, The only thing that's right.

Lady Muck My first love, you're every breath that I take, You're every step I make.

Captain Morgan And I (Lady Muck: I-I-I-I-I)

Captain Morgan I want to share

Both All my love with you

Captain Morgan (gestures to the empty waters) No one else will do…

Lady Muck And your eyes

Captain Morgan Your eyes, your eyes

Both They tell me how much you care Ooh yes, you will always be My endless love

Two hearts, Two hearts that beat as one Our lives have just begun

Lady Muck Forever (Captain Morgan: Ohhhhhh)

Both I'll hold you close in my arms I can't resist your charms

Lady Muck And love

Captain Morgan Oh, love

Both I'll be a fool For you, I'm sure

Lady Muck You know I don't mind

Captain Morgan Oh, you know I don't mind

Both 'Cause you, You mean the world to me Oh

Lady Muck I know

Captain Morgan I know

Both I've found in you My endless love

Captain Morgan Oooh-woow

Both Boom, boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, booom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Oooh, and love

Captain Morgan Oh, love

Both I'll be that fool For you, I'm sure

Lady Muck You know I don't mind

Captain Morgan Oh you know –

Both I don't mind And, YES You'll be the only one 'Cause NO one can deny This love I have inside And I'll give it all to you My love My love, my love My endless love

The two embrace passionately as they sink onto the plank. Lady Muck gives herself to Captain Morgan and the lights fade as they make love.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 2 - Scene 10

The deck of the P&O Fairstar. The sky is a canopy of twinkling stars, the moon full and bright. Lady Muck runs in, with Captain Morgan chasing her. They are both heady with excitement and filled with lusty desire after the dinner dance. Captain Morgan catches Muck and playfully lifts her skirts. She squeals in delight, then pushes him away and pouts in mock disapproval, hands planted on hips.

Lady Muck: You’re a fiend Captain! I’ve a good mind to scream for someone to come rescue me from your wicked clutches.

Captain Morgan: Oh come here you ravishing creature. I’m the Captain of this ship and I order you to kiss me.

Lady Muck (coyly): Well, if its Captain’s orders…

The two embrace and kiss passionately. When they finally pull apart the Captain begins to sing.

(to the tune of I’ll Make Love to You – Boyz II Men)

Captain Morgan Close your eyes. Make a wish. We’re alone in the moonlight And our Love Boat sails tonight So let’s weigh anchor Muck. You make parts of me tight.

Lady Muck Pour me wine. Light my fire. And I’ll fry us up some chips Then you’ll kiss my salty lips Oh, no more for me, they go straight to my hips.

Captain Morgan I’ll make love to Muck Back up like a truck And I’ll load you up Baby lets grab a cup I’ll make love to Muck And you’ll bring me luck You’re my Lady and Your worth a million bucks.

They waltz a little and the Captain’s hands find their way to Muck’s bustle. She slaps them away.

Lady Muck Sir relax Let’s go slow Why not start with my big toe We ain’t got nowhere to go We’re out at sea remember, surrounded by swell

Captain Morgan I’m aware I’m the Captain But my body aches for you And I’ve got to see this through We’ll get it on my Muck, you know you want to

Lady Muck Make love to your Muck I’ll quack like a duck Ducks are amorous Darling they’re just like us.

Make love to your Muck And I’ll bring you luck I’m your Lady and I’ll go until you stop.

Captain Muck (leaping onto the ships railing) Baby tonight is your night And I will do you right Just make a wish on your night Anything that you ask I will give you the love of your life

Both I’ll make love to you Right here - yes it’s true And the rest of the crew? Maybe they’ll join in too

I’ll make love to you One plus one makes two And that’s what we’ll be While I’m here with you.

They kiss again. Suddenly a load clap of thunder rings out across the night. First Officer Davide runs in. He has lipstick marks all over his face and is looking decidedly dishevelled after his encounter with Lady Litchfield.

First Officer Davide: Mamma mia Captain, a huge wave, the likes of which I’ve never seen! It’s heading straight for us off the starboard.

Captain Morgan: What?! How long have we got?

First Officer Davide: I don’t think we’ll…

The stage goes dark. The deafening sound of crashing waves is heard, and only Muck’s screams are louder.

[mucktheopera-blog]

Act 2 - Scene 9

Early evening. P&O Fairstar’s luxuriously appointed ballroom. The Captain’s dinner dance is getting under way. A lively band play “The Girl from Ipanema” as passengers swirl across the dance floor. A staircase, identical in design to the grand staircase aboard the Titanic, is the dramatic centrepiece to the space. Two ladies gaze expectantly at the top of the stairs of as they cross the room.

The Duchess: Oh Esmeralda, if the Captain doesn’t arrive soon I’m certain I shall faint in anticipation.

Esmeralda: I understand entirely, Duchess. And if Captain Morgan is even half as handsome as I have heard, I’m afraid the purser will have my soiled petticoat to deal with!

The Duchess (titters): Esmeralda you’re beastly!

First Officer Davide appears at the top of stairs.

First Officer Davide: Signores and signoras, if I may have your attention per favor. Without further ado, please be upstanding for the entrance of… your Captain.

The room applauds as Captain Morgan appears, dressed in full uniform. He holds his hand up, feigning modesty, before confidently descending the stairs. As Captain Morgan reaches the floor women flock to him. He politely tolerates them as he moves through the room.

The Duchess: Oh Captain Morgan, it truly is an honour. And my how dashing you look in your uniform. Why I can see my reflection in your brass buttons!

Captain Morgan: Ha ha, well an unkempt Captain is no Captain, that’s what I always say.

Esmeralda: Oh Captain Morgan, I’m so afraid that we might strike an iceberg out here so far from land. You promise our passage will be a safe one don’t you, oh tell me you do?

Captain Morgan: Ha ha, well I wouldn’t be much of Captain if I couldn’t promise that now would I?

Lady 3: Oh Captain Morgan, I do hope there is room on your dance card for a waltz with silly little me?

Captain Morgan: Ha ha (he looks her up and down) No! But fear not ladies. My men will ensure that there are no wall flowers tonight. If you’ll please excuse me…

Captain Morgan untangles himself from the melee, leaving behind some now rather deflated looking girls and joins First Officer Davide.

First Officer Davide: Ahh a bellissimo collection of woman tonight Captain. You can have your pick of the litter. Just make sure you save some leftovers for your first mate, si si? Haha!

Captain Morgan: Ugh. Insipid and simpering the lot of them. You’re welcome to them, my good man. Better suited to the Italian way of love making. Besides I am waiting for one Lady and one Lady only. A real Lady with real passion. A Lady with meat on her bones. A Lady…

Voice: You hooooo!! Captain!!!

Captain Morgan: Hark…it must be she!

Captain Morgan adjusts himself and then spins in anticipation. His eyes fall on…Lady Litchfield. She is standing at the top of stairs, staring down at him with smouldering intensity, her lips a moist pout, her hair vertiginous. She rushes down the stairs, arms out stretched and, upon reaching the Captain, dramatically pulls his head to her bosom.

Lady Litchfield: Captain Morgan, my angel, my darling. What a treat it is to see you again! Oh I feel simply weak at the knees. Just feel how hard my heart pounds at the sight of you. You’re delicious, like strawberries and cream at Wimbledon or Bellinis in Monte Carlo!

Captain Morgan (pulling free of her grasp): Good evening Lady Litchfield. A pleasure as always…

Lady Litchfield: Now now Captain don’t you go acting all coy, you cheeky devil. I know your game…

(to the tune of Hey Big Spender – Shirley Bassey)

The minute I got on this ship I saw your eyes devour all of my body You think I’m hot totty. I’m gonna have you cos I know I can To tame this frisky filly it takes just such a man

So I won’t go mincing my words Oh I will pop my cork and boy I never miss Captain Morgan! Dive…. deep down into my abyss

Lady Litchfield begins to dance, her gaze transfixed on a nervous looking Captain Morgan.

Some parts I’ll slowly reveal, eal, eal Others just come here and feel, feel (giggles as she plants the Captains hands on her bosom) This comes with no strings a-ttached It’s time my eggs were all h-attched

Lady Litchfield begins to prowl around the Captain, teasing him like a lioness toys with her prey. Captain Morgan cannot tear his eyes away. It is at this moment that Lady Muck appears at the top of the stairs, accessorised with long satin gloves and a sparkling tiara. She looks around expectantly, but her face drops when she sees the seduction playing out before her.

Now don’t let my young looks deceive I’m a veteran with some skills I can teach you Just ask all of your crew. I’ve climbed the ladder to become what you see It's of no concern I did it horizontally This offer is just for one night And you can pop your cork in every orifice Captain Morgan! Captain Morgan! Captain Morgan! Denyyy me, and darling that is your loss!

Lady Litchfield’s face is inches away from Captain Morgan’s. It seems she is just about to kiss him when Lady Muck finds her voice.

Lady Muck: Oh, you hoo! Captain Morgan!

Lady Muck runs forward but trips on the hem of her gown and tumbles down the stairs.

(to the tune of Ain’t No Other Man – Christina Aguliera)

Lady Muck Hey-iiii-eeee-iiiii-oooooo THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

First Officer Davide (running to help Lady Muck to her feet) Mamma mia bella!

Lady Muck (singing as Davide attempts to haul her up) Feel thoroughly mortified If shame could kill I’d have died My entrance was far too rushed Now could my chances be crushed?

Lady Litchfield (arriving at Lady Muck just as Davide has her on her feet again) Mucky darling! Are you hurt dear? No one saw you. Oh except for Captain Morgan…HA

He’s my new lover; yes another, who will see inside my bed Under the cover, he’ll discover, there’s no path that I won’t tread And he’s about to feel this Lady’s lips press down on both his heads

Men in the room (suddenly looking alert, particularly Davide) Whoa whoa!

Lady Litchfield Never been a man, can stand, up when I’m through Never been a man, on the planet, whose balls stay blue I’m the kinda gal, you tell, dirty secrets to I got curves, I got wealth When I move it ain’t by stealth Captain you are strong and true Find my walnut, it’s for you!

Lady Muck looks dejected but then she remembers what Carrie has told her about Lady Litchfield and her confidence blossoms.

Lady Muck Pray you don’t think me too bold (Lady Litchfield: Mucky, no) But aren’t you just a tad old? (Lady Litchfield: Mucky… what?!) This man needs someone nubile (Lady Litchfield: *snort* like you?) And madam you’re in denial (Lady Litchfield: *gasp* Whore!) You’ve got what I want bitch and I want it. And I have youth my side…. come on girls

Lady Muck is instantly flanked by a troupe of female dancers, the prettiest and most nubile on the ship

Please just step back now, and see how, it is I with all the class     I’ll make him want me, yearn for me, despite falling on my ass No disrespect but it is clear you’re now a Lady of the past

Ooooooooo, oh!

Gonna get the man, who stands, just over there Gonna get the man, and dance, till people stare I’m a Lady through, and through, I do declare You’re the whore, I’m the wife You’re for one night, I’m for life The man I want is strong and true. The man for me is here – it’s you!

Captain Morgan beams at Lady Muck as she and her ladies perform a dance sequence. Lady Litchfield’s nostrils flare.

Lady Muck and chorus Break it down now! Old as his mother, no wait, his great grand mother You’re not his lover, won’t ever be his LOVER! Lady Litchfield (taking a swipe at Muck) You little scrubber, you better run for cover

Both Captain Morgan time to choose, ohhhh!

The music stops, save for a drum roll. The crowd holds its breath. Captain Morgan hastily points at Lady Muck, who looks like she could burst with happiness. Lady Litchfield is affronted.

Captain Morgan (spoken) The choice is simple. It is Lady Muck who has stolen my heart.

Lady Litchfield (bellowing) PIGS!

(singing) Heed these words and heed them well I’ve known girls who’ve rose then fell (and) When you do I’ll gloat as you cry But in the meantime I’m off back upstairs with this guyyyyyyy.

Lady Litchfield throws First Officer Davide over her shoulder and carries him off stage.

Lady Muck (running up to Captain Morgan) Take me by the hand, and stand, here at my side Hand upon my waist, I’m not chaste, but I have pride Here it will begin; I sing, of turns of tide Jawline strong; chest oblong With each other we belong. I feel like I’m on quite the ride Couldn’t get off if I tried.

The music continues and the passengers return to their dancing.

Captain Morgan

You are an exquisite creature. Come with me.

Captain Morgan takes Lady Muck by the hand and leads her off stage.