@mullite - Tumblr Blog

Feelings always come back to haunt me

Is this my hard drugs arc?

I think about you all the fucking time

It all comes rushing back at once and my misunderstanding of your insane misuse of cocaine is terrifying and all too real. I'll see you sometime but in the meantime, can you forgive me? Its so fucking hard. This is so fucking hard. I'm so terrified. I don't want them to come and get me. You protected me. I can't be protected, there. I hope you understand. It all hurts so much. I want nothing but for people to understand me. I've always felt like this in my life, always outside of everyone else. The facade of those friends I once held so close to me has me lost in translation to whatever fucked up language you're speaking. You're gone, I have to accept that. But what if it never happened like this? It's going to keep happening. Everyone I used to love is going to die. And I get it's like this but why does it have to do with changing your reality every single day because you can't live with the fact that THIS IS LIFE. everything is shit. There is no changing it. You have to accept it. You are so wrong. I am unbelievably angry. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the situation. I can't help it. Are they too much in their own shit to realize what's really happening? Life doesn't mean to suffer. You have to start living at some point. I live in fear. I know you forgive me. I forgive you. I'll always forgive you. Please watch over everyone. Understand with me that we can't save everyone.

#death

francoanglo

26

I forgot that I used to write. It seems hopeless now, like my words will never matter to anyone.

So much has happened.

I look at and I see and I read who I used to be, and I yearn for the safety net of depression I tend to slide into when I'm unwell.

I am unwell.

I am teetering on the edge of the sharp cliff I've been wanting to dip into since I got sober, since I got well. I don't know if I have been well, or I've been lying to myself, pushing myself to my limits just to scrape by, penny to the dollar, imagining a bright future for me and mine.

I'm scared I've been okay for so long that if I slip, if my foot catches a rock on my way, and I slip back down, that I will become less than nothing. That I will fall so far into the darkness that there will be nothing left. I will lose everything.

I want to lose everything so bad. I want to have nothing. To be nothing. Finally to be free of all responsibility, all humility, filled with regrets that are blurred out by substance abuse.

Sleep at bus stops, like I used to, when I couldn't go home without being raped again.

The world is ending.

I wish it would come faster.