âA relationship is built for two. Obviously, you donât know how to count.â
âActing like a dick wonât make yours any bigger.â
âAnd you pointing out the obvious is what, helpful?â
âBreaking news just in: youâre an asshole!â
âCongratulations on your ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.â
âDid someone binge on bitch flakes this morning?â
âDo you ever get off Facebook long enough to live the life you keep bragging about?â
âDonât be ashamed of who you are. Thatâs your parents job.â
âEveryone has a right to an opinion, and I have a right not to listen to it.â
âEveryone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.â
âEverythingâs better when you donât give a shit.â
âFirst of all, take a moment to realize who the fuck youâre talking to.â
âGo away, Iâm too sober to deal with you.â
âHey, I found your nose, itâs in my business again!â
âHolding in all this sarcasm physically hurts.â
âHow do I block you in real life?â
âIâm an acquired taste. Donât like me, acquire some taste.â
âIâm going to need you to turn down your psycho for just a bit.â
âIâm not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.â
âIâm not saying youâre stupid, Iâm just saying you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.â
âIâm sorry. And by âsorryâ, I mean get over it.âÂ
âIâm sorry, did you say something? Iâm afraid I automatically tune out bullshit.â
âIâm sorry, was it my job to fill your life with joy today?â
âIâm sorry I suck at empathizing with your first world problems.â
âIâm sorry we fought. I hate it when youâre wrong.â
âIâm sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the way you treat everyone all the time.â
âI call bullshit!â
âI can always count on you to relentlessly point out the negative.â
âI can only please one person per day and today I chose me!â
âI did not mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.â
âI didnât mean to push your buttons, I was just looking for mute.â
âI didnât realize you were the expert on my life and how I should live it.â
âI donât have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.â
âI donât hate you, Iâm just simply not excited about your existence. My bad.â
âI donât take orders. I barely take suggestions.â
âI finally got the last knife of the set youâve been stabbing in my back all these years. Heads up: I re-gift.â
âI guess if you spoke your mind, youâd be speechless.â
âI have met some pricks in my time but you sir, are a fucking cactus!â
âI hope that bus you threw me under swerves and hits you on the sidewalk.â
âI know, I know, I stood up for myself, Iâm such a bitch.â
âI know money doesnât grow on trees. Thatâs why Iâm asking you.â
âI love hearing you show off.â
âI love the sound you make when you shut up.â
âI no longer do things that make me want to kill myself.â
âI refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person!â
âI see you brought your extra large spoon to stir up trouble.â
âI would like to apologize to anyone I havenât offended. I am sure I will get to you shortly.â
âI would tell you to go fuck yourself but Iâm pretty sure youâd be disappointed.â
âIf everywhere you go thereâs a problem⌠Guess what?â
âIf I were meant to be controlled Iâd come with a remote.â
âIf youâre going to be two-faced, at least try to make one of them pretty.â
âIf youâre waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch. Itâs gonna be a while.â
âIn order for you to insult me I would have to value your opinion. Nice try though.â
âIs there an app I can download to make you go away?â
âIs your drama going to have an intermission soon?â
âIsnât there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?â
âItâs called originality, you should try it sometime.â
âItâs impressive that youâre flexible enough to have your foot in your mouth and head up your ass at the same time.â
âNo, youâre right, letâs do it the dumbest way possible because itâs easier for you.â
âNo need to repeat yourself, I ignored you just fine the first time.â
âNo really, itâs adorable when you blame everyone but yourself.âÂ
âOh, are you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.â
âOh, Iâm sorry, did my back ruin your knife?â
âOh, I heard you. I just donât care.â
âOops, I forgot I only exist when you want something.â
âPlease be patient, Iâm fucking things up as fast as I can.âÂ
âPlease cancel my subscription to your issues.âÂ
âRather than us agreeing to disagree why donât you just be quiet.â
âReally, you know what that sounds like? Not my problem!â
âRemember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.â
âRumors have taught me many a things about myself.â
âSo what youâre saying is you donât like me treating you the way you treat me. How interesting.â
âSome people find fault like there is a reward for it.â
âSometimes, even Iâm surprised by the shit that comes out of this mouth.â
âThank you. Weâre all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.â
âThanks, but I function better without unsolicited advice.â
âThanks for reminding me why I donât feel guilty that I canât stand you.â
âThanks for trying so hard to be just like me. I wouldnât want to be you, either.â
âThanks for your complaint. I will file it right between âdonât give a flying f*ckâ, and âsucks to be youâ.â
âThanks for your two cents, but your thoughts just arenât worth a penny.â
âThe people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.â
âThere is not a sponge in the world that can rival your self-absorption.â
âToo bad you canât Photoshop your ugly personality.â
âUnless youâre a pregnancy test, take your negativity elsewhere.â
âUnless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.â
âWait, come back. You forgot your bullshit.â
âWell, arenât you just a shiny little hypocrite polished in bullshit!â
âWhatâs that? You heard a bunch of shit about me from someone who hates me? That shit MUST be true!â
âWhat doesnât kill you, disappoints me.â
âWhat I like best about our relationship is how youâre no longer in it.â
âWHAT part of NO donât you understand?â
âWhen I think about you, I touch myself. âŚAnd by that, I mean rub my temples, because you give me a fucking migraine.â
âWhen karma comes back to punch you in the face, I want to be there in case it needs help.â
âWhereâs your off button?â
âWhile youâre talking about me behind my back, feel free to bend down and kiss my ass.â
âWho ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?â
âWould you like some cheese with that whine?â
âWow, I bet you even fart glitter.â
âYes, of course I have time to listen to you complain about all the stupid shit I can neither help you with or do anything about.â
âYou call it talking back. I call it explaining.â
âYou DO realize one day Iâll snap, right?â
âYou donât like me? Thatâs a shame. Iâll pencil in some time to cry about it later.â
âYou have a right to your opinion and I have a right to ignore it.â
âYou may die of constipation because youâre so full of shit!â
âYou reek of drama and a migraine, please get away from me.â
âYou should do some soul-searching. Maybe youâll find one.â
âYou should use glue stick instead of Chap Stick.â
âYou would be much more likable if it wasnât for that hole in your mouth that noise comes out of.â
âYour inappropriateness knows no boundaries.â
âYour only purpose in life is as an organ donor.â