“Nothing, but a tear that’s all for breakfast, Watching you pretend you’re unaffected, You’re pulling out connection, Expecting me to let you go, But I won’t…”
Three weeks…five days.
It’s been three weeks and five excruciating long days since he stormed out of my room. No phone calls. No texts. No Javier. I have ran out of tears completely and my cries no longer make a sound. I’m a walking train wreck. Nothing occupies my mind besides him. He has taken up every ounce of space that I have. My attempts to connect with him have all failed miserably. He refuses to even discuss business with me. Rakim has now taken over our partnership completely. Everything revolves around him and it twists my stomach in the most sickening way. I cannot focus at work or my mind drifts to the multiple love making scenes that have taken place here. Home is a no, no, his scent suffocates me. Hell, I can’t even go to my favorite restaurant without having to fight off all thoughts of Javier and it’s driving me insane. How could he do this? How could he walk out so easily? How could he leave? I needed him. When did I become this damn dependent? Vulnerability staring back at me and laughing me in my face every time I stare into the mirror. I hated this, I hated him. No, I don’t. I want to, I so desperately need to hate him, but I can’t. My love for that sick twisted man is too strong.
I just needed to hear his voice. Hear my name roll off of his lips. Feel his touch. I am surely going insane and where is he? “It’ll be worth it,” he said. To hell with that. My sanity is not worth this and yet again that’s a lie. I’d give my peace of mind to have him back and that’s what scares me shitless. How can he have this much power? Is he even thinking about me?
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of my phone ringing indicating that I was receiving a call. Unwillingly, I answered the call knowing that I am unable to continue on ignoring Blair’s attempts to reach me or she would surely call in the swat time.
“Avery, Avery fucking Paige,” she bellowed.
I chuckled at her dramatics, “yes?”
“Avery Paige do not do that. Do not act as if you haven’t fallen off the face of the Earth.”
“You’re being dramatic. It has only been a week since the last time I’ve spoken to you.”
“Correction, haven’t spoken to anyone Avery. You’ve been in a funk for about three weeks now. You’ve barely managed to show your face. What’s up with you? This isn’t the Avery I know.”
“What do you want for me?” I asked already exhausted with the direction of this conversation.
She sighed deeply, I know that I am trying her patience.
“You have an art gallery viewing event tonight and you cannot miss this one.”
“No, you’re damn near about to run your business into the ground. Get your ass up, put on your business face and pick up the damn pieces.”
I sighed quietly as a tear silently rolled down my face, she’s right.
“I love you Avery. I’m doing this because I love you.”
“EJ will be over in about 30 minutes to take you dress shopping.”
I agreed and after that, the line ended. I looked at myself in my vanity mirror and cringed. My hair was in shambles. My skin looked dry. My eyes told nothing but pain. A walking train-wreck. Deciding to finally end the pity party, I hopped up from my bed and started towards the adjoining bathroom.
Without hesitation, I turned on the shower head and stripped out of my little to nothing clothing. I connected my phone to the Bluetooth radio and allowed the voice of Aretha Franklin to flow through the speakers while I hopped into the shower singing disgustingly off key to ‘I Apologize’.
If I could just see him right now I would apologize until I was purple in the face. It’s clear that I walked into sensitive territory and because of that, I’ve pushed him away. How foolish of me to even think that he was seeing someone else? He loved me like no one did. Like no one else could.
I allowed the water to cascade around me completely being sure to wash my hair as well while the music continued to play easing my mind even if just for this moment. Once I deemed myself thoroughly clean, I stepped out and reached for my towel that was folded neatly on the shelf beside the shower. The cool gush of air caused me to shiver slightly as I made my way into my room.
“About damn time with your toned deaf ass,” EJ blurts out.
I crack a genuine smile before rolling my eyes at his nonsense.
“I’ve missed you too EJ,”
“Oh I know and if you ever think about pulling some shit like this again I’m dragging you down those stairs,” he lightly threatens while pointing towards the door for emphasis.
“Ok, ok,” I hold my hands up in defense before sauntering over to my dresser.
It was silent briefly as I grabbed a pair of simple boy short underwear and covered my entire body in coconut oil.
“No word from him?” He asks quietly I’m sure was an attempt not to trigger my emotions.
I slipped on my favorite grey joggers, a white v-neck and my grey hurraches. Throwing my hair into a bun, I deemed myself presentable.
“Ready,” I stated grabbing my keys and wallet.
He nods in acceptance and takes my hand. Leading us over to his car, I smiled lightly as the sun shined down on us. In this moment, I’m grateful that he and Bee didn’t allow me to sulk all day. This day was just too beautiful to waste. Climbing into his car, I waited patiently as he revved up the engine and backed out of my drive way.
“Don’t worry ya pretty little head just know that you’re going to fine as hell tonight,”
I chuckled and decided to say nothing back. I closed my eyes as the wind danced along my skin and the voice of Tory Lanez graced my ears. Today is going to be a good day. I’ll make sure of it.
“Do you remember what it felt like?”
“Losing her, do you remember what it felt like?”
“I can imagine…like death.”
Sitting on the floor in basement I rubbed my hands roughly down my face as I inhaled the smoke once more. This, this has been my past time for the last few weeks. I wake up, I smoke until I can’t anymore, I paint, I sulk. This agonizing pain that I promised myself that I would never experience again is back. However, this is different. This pain taps into every part of me. No, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
I glanced up and groaned in annoyance at the many painted faces of her. I couldn’t get her out of my head. Everywhere I turned, everything I did, she was in my thoughts. I couldn’t shake her. I couldn’t rid of her sweet scent or her heart tugging laughter. I couldn’t rid of her.
Hearing the door creek I stood to my feet with my count still in my hand as I watched my brother come closer to me with each step he took.
“So, we’re still doing this?” He questioned with dissatisfaction laced in each word.
“Bro c'mon we still doing this?” His voice heightened this time.
“I don’t need this shit,” I grunted before attempting to push pass him only to have him push me back.
“No, no we not doing this Javier. Get ya’ shit together bro.”
A dark chuckle escapes my lips as I listen to his words.
“That’s fine, I’ll leave, but the doc staying.”
I scrunched my face in confusion until he called for her to come downstairs. Anger pulses through my veins as her face came into view.
“Hello Javier, I as well as your family are all very concerned about you,”
“Fuck you and your concern,” I spat before taking another hit from my blunt to calm my nerves.
My brother was about to speak on my disrespect until she silenced him.
“I got it from here,” she told him and he nodded before heading upstairs.
Ignoring my glare, she walked around me and sat on the love seat behind me.
“Please, Javier take a seat,” she begged genuinely peaking my interest.
“You’re going downhill again Javier,” she stated quietly causing my body to tense up.
Unwillingly, I take a seat across from her never removing my eyes from hers.
“You’re feeling this pain again?”
“Have you tried to contact her?”
“To tell her the man that she fell in love with is fucking looney? Huh, to tell her that mentally and emotionally I’m fucked up? Or maybe you’d like me to tell her that I suffer from not only borderline personality disorder and depression, but I was diagnosed with psychosis at the age of 20 which by the way, I still do not agree with. How would like me to tell her that doc? Would you like me to shoot her a text?” I yell before standing to my feet.
“She loves the idea of me!”
“She loves who she thinks I am. She doesn’t know me doc. She doesn’t know this dark part of me. I don’t want her to hate me.”
“Like how she did?” She questions leaning forward.
Closing my eyes tightly I sit back down as I try to shake my thoughts that we’re trying to creep into my mind.
“Don’t run from those thoughts Javier, embrace them.”
“Embrace that I’m a murderer?” I snap.
“Y-you’re not a murderer Javier. Your mind wasn’t in the right place.”
“Yeah that’s an excuse for killing my ex girlfriend right?”
“Ya’ know, Avery thinks that she committed suicide,” I laugh darkly. “I’ve already lied to her.”
“Them damn voices and that pain, now that’s one hell of a mixture. I can still hear her screaming my name for me to stop,” I say as tears rolled down my eyes. “I loved her so much and she just stopped loving me. Just out of the blue she didn’t love me anymore. I was disgusting in her eyes. I was her fall back plan when she was my everything. I wanted to give her the world,”
“You couldn’t do that Javier if you couldn’t even give it to yourself.”
“More than I love myself.”
She sat back with wide eyes, “more than her?”
I nodded, “scary isn’t it? Now you see why I’ve distanced myself.”
“I understand now Javier, but still, give her a chance.”
“The only one running right now is you.”
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