Iâm gonna go off on this scene for a hot second, because this doesnât get nearly as much attention as the talk with his mom and honestly this one hit me harder. So Iâm gonna talk about why this scene is so fucking important to me.
The first line. Right out of the gate. âHow long have you known?â Not, âhow long have you beenâŚyou knowâŚâ, âhow long have you known.â This is coming from a character we have seen (unintentionally, but still) commit homophobic microaggressions on screen at least twice now with many more implied, that difference is important.
Then when Simon answers, his response emphasizes the time they spent together when he didnât know (Four years eating dinner together). I was sure, I was so sure his next line was going to be âwhy didnât you tell meâ. Because thatâs how it goes right? The onus is always on the queer person, itâs always down to us. But thatâs not what he says. He says âIâm sorry, I shouldnât have missed it.â
I donât think I can put into words what hearing an apology in that moment did to me. I really canât, Iâm pretty sure I stopped breathing for a second. And then he says âAll those stupid jokesâŚâ
He is taking responsibility for his actions. He is acknowledging that he was wrong and he is apologizing for the hurt he, however unknowingly, caused his son. This is so rare. Because the key here is, not only is this a father-son relationship, which is always more difficult because men in our society have been conditioned to never be âtouchy-feelyâ, itâs also a parent-child relationship.Â
Simon is still a teenager. His father has spent 17 years being the one responsible for Simonâs care; at this point the parent is the one in the equation where the majority of power still sits. For a parent to acknowledge to a child who is still not fully an adult that they were wrong, especially when itâs a father when men are conditioned to never give ground or âshow weaknessâ over things like this, just. It doesnât happen.
And even when Simon gives him an out he refuses to take it. Then he makes sure Simon knows that he is loved unconditionally, and reinforces it with physical affection. And itâs not a Manly Shoulder Pat either, this is a proper full-body hug followed by a kiss on the cheek.
And after a moment of awkwardness, he actively reaches out and shows interest in engaging in the queer aspect of Simonâs life by offering to sign up to Grindr together. Heâs gotten it wrong (in the most adorably dad way possible), but the point is he made the effort. He didnât just leave it at letting Simon know he loves him, he recognized that this is an on-going presence in his childâs life and he commits to continuously being involved with and acknowledging this aspect of his son.
I am someone who has Simonâs life. I am from an upper-middle class white family with two liberal straight parents who were high school sweethearts, and I have one younger sibling. My first car was even a used Subaru station wagon, I could not make this up. This is the moment I wish I could have with my parents.Â
They knew/suspected I was queer for years before I finally came out to them, but they didnât know what to do with asexuality. They were fully prepared for me to be a lesbian and I still managed to blindside them. It was completely unexpected and they hadnât heard of it so they didnât know what to do about it. And we are the pinnacle of a WASP stereotype, so all of us suck at talking about our feelings. So while my parents never rejected me, they never tried to âfixâ me, and they donât really drop hints about me âsettling down one dayâ, they also never talk about it with me. I assume because they donât know how to and they donât want to misstep.
We will have entire conversations about queer issues with no acknowledgement whatsoever that I am part of the group that issue pertains to. They have never tried to talk to me about what asexuality is, asked me to explain it, or asked about how to be involved in that aspect of my life. Which is unusual for them, both have always taken an active interest in both of their childrenâs activities. And thereâs only so many times I can be the one to talk about the elephant in the room because itâs fucking exhausting.Â
So yeah. This scene, this moment, hit me like a semi truck. Because god do I want that in my life.
Iâm crying
I really loved this scene because it wasnât his dad saying âhow long have you been lying to meâ but instead âhow long have I been hurting you.â
Too often queer people are treated as if we lied or tricked people while we were in the closet, so this scene meant so much to me.
