It be like that sometimes

Get bonked boyo

[music-lover150]

It's been a while, and I'm sorry, but it's also been 3 weeks of no contact between my bf and I and I'm genuinely losing hope. He keeps pushing me away and pretending my feelings don't mean anything and retaliating with songs on his Snap about how I should just leave and how he's been drinking and depressed. I keep posting songs about love and trying my best to stay positive but I took him off all of my stories now. I've realized if he truly wants no contact then he can have it and that I'm wrong to have held on this long hoping he'd just come back casually. I'm letting him go for his own good and I'm not going to react anymore to anything. I'm tired of always being the one to end up a bad guy for telling him how he made me feel and trying so hard to care for him constantly. He said he felt inadequate and needed to get better for me but a bottle and rotting all day doesn't solve shit. I won't stay still. I won't let it hold me down I've come too damn far to stop in my career and maybe I am the clown at the end of all of this but I can say for certain I never abandoned someone and watched them suffer from afar knowing what I was doing was slowly making them go insane. So for now, yes we are still dating, but I don't know who he is and won't. My mind is closed now and I am just, tired. Tired is right I suppose. My mental health issues keep kicking in but if I could live my whole life without him being beat by my family and verbally abused daily I can survive the silence on my own away from him. Like a memory I can't quite remember. That's ok. At least I'm not dead yet. Happy fucking 4th of July.

7/4/24

[music-lover150]

Eating peanut butter with a spoon at 1 am just makes me ✨️feel✨️

[music-lover150]

I woke up today feeling less heavy than before. I sat in bed watching the sun come up and just let my mind be empty and quiet to the sound of birds and wind. The older I get the more I wish to return to nature or at least become a part of it like I was when small. I want to run barefoot in a field with no worries about the dirt and sweat on my clothes and body. I want to feel the sun on every inch of me and chase wild cats to learn their secrets. I want to believe in fairies and swim in a clear river. I want to be unshackled and run free like horses so badly that I now even envy a grasshopper in its beauty. I miss the woods.

[music-lover150]

Well I still felt sad today just not miserable missing him. I felt numb and only cried a little when things reminded me of him like our running gags n shit. He's chosen to be quiet and leave so he can heal but I still don't understand why he feels the need to be hyper independent in order to "match" my vibe. He has lots of time to learn and grow and so do I. I'm going to use this time to study my music more and write a few songs in the mean time. I may write letters to him as well when I miss him. It feels like it would be one of the few ways to get this gush out of me without just putting it as a vent on others and friends. I feel better today though. What matters is progress no matter how slow as long as it's positive. Tonight I'm going to relax and write and may come up with a hit song. I just don't know.

[music-lover150]

I'm really tired today. I can't believe my shift is almost over. It feels like a blur and a lie to fathom I've even existed. I won't be able to sleep tonight again. I feel alone and abandoned even though that wasn't the intention. I want to end it all but I know that's a cowardly route that just hurts people more than anything. I can't make anybody cry the way I do at night. I guess I'll just scroll until the sun appears again once I'm back in my golden cage.

[music-lover150]

The walk in feels safer than my own home sometimes.

[music-lover150]

I skipped two days of writing on here, honestly for a good reason. My partner and I took a day apart, we'll he never texted me and I got that feeling he just wanted space so I gave it. Yesterday I woke up to alarming texts about how he fels inadequate and was tired of being a leech. I kept reassuring him he wasn't and he kept comparing himself to me. For people who don't know me, literally everybody on here p much, I'm a 25 year old opera singer who is in the process of my Masters and soon planning to move another state over to get my DMA and PhD. The only reason I'm still in school is because I was reached out to by teachers and given help to be here. He seems to think I'm this awesome superhero who never gets tired even though I teach where I take classes and have 2 other jobs outside of teaching. He kept bringing up how he keeps having to ask for help and how I keep taking care of him when he knows he should step up more. We kept going in circles until it felt like he was asking for us to split but he doubled down saying he didn't want to lose or abandon me bc what we have has been good. In his words it's apparently been too good. He wants to be independent, be financially supportive, and be able to mentally handle our future and I can't be upset with that but he also wants a break in our relationship in order for him to build things from the ground up. Ngl I was low-key out of it all day yesterday bc of this. I know he wants to improve and I want to support him but it felt so cold and sudden like he was just pushing me away and shutting me out. Like he just suddenly had enough of being where he was. He's supposed to be going to lunch with his mother but idek if he will get out of bed. It's his day off where he usually plays D&D or Magic but ik he probably won't and will just sit in his chair and write or cry in bed. I just want to support him but it's hard when he shuts me and others out. I go in to work at 5 tonight and I'm just kinda staring at my phone hoping for a text in the mean time. I just can't help it. He promised me he wouldn't hurt himself but I worry about that too. I worry about my own tendencies in this mix too. I just miss my sweetheart. Idk I'm still everywhere...

[music-lover150]

Sometimes, when I can't sleep at night, I try and remember all the times in my life I felt isolated and alone when, if I would have been more aware of how others truly perceived me, I'd understand that maybe, as a person, I really am good after all. I think about how when I felt abandoned I didn't take into consideration the positives people reflected onto me and I started to remember all the compliments, and smiles, and how they said thank you, and I love you. I think my real switch flipped when I was on my own fighting the world a year ago after graduating my undergrad trying to save up to finally make it to my Masters program. I was grinding hard, enjoying the company of everybody around me, and constantly reflecting on how my circles treated me. Even before then, I was shaving people out of my life slowly that had been only feeding me hate, stress and anxiety to the point I'd puke. I felt warmer day by day. I gratefully feel like I'm a bright burning star now. The people in my life today are truly beautiful and reflect the same love I had always given to people and desired back. They listen, hear me, and help me when I ask, and I in return do the same. It is wonderful to find good company with loving hearts and kind intentions. I hope you all can take the time and reflect on how somebody remembered you when you weren't there, or a past friend wished they could speak to you and laugh again, or that you touched a strangers heart and gave them joy. You make a difference even if it seems small in the moment. I love you 💕🫂

6/9/2024

[music-lover150]

Needlepoint millionth dollar!!!!

[music-lover150]

Hey guys ik it's been a fat minute since posting here but I want to try and make this an art and vent blog with daily diary entries bc times are crazy and it would be nice to have a spot to just kinda brain vomit. It's been a long journey and ultimately I'm happy to just be back here and able to post without anxiety. I'll post something in a bit with idk art or a vent about something going wild bc it tends to be like that a lot lately. I still can't believe I've kept this account somehow since I was like 13. It's great to come back and revisit everything and hopefully more people are down to talk and see some cool art and bear tea lol Thank you 💕💅🏼

[beausbugbiome]

Guys look at this GIANT millipede!! Free pattern from Projectarian! 🐛✨

Definitely want to make one myself!

[beardedmrbean]

[acchuli]

he got the munchies

[swordmahes]

tell ‘em

[anominous-user]

think it's a good time to bring this gif back

[ramqiu]

ohhh you know what time it is

[everythingfox]

Fluffy red pandas

(via)