hey there

this is a place for me to rant about my gender struggles, he/him only, trans-masc

[eat-moar-veggis-deactivated2021]

idk if anyone has seen this but please don’t support the brand tomboyx. they were misgendering and reducing a trans man to his genitals at a modeling photoshoot, and THEN tried to brush it under the rug by making an apology in the comments section of one of their posts???? fellow trans people can and should be upset. they claim to be supportive but then center their whole brand about women and exclude trans women and just use trans people in general for their bodies to model for them

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

I dont normally reblog stuff to this account but this is important to spread the word abt.

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Working Out [04.03.20]

I've started working out, doing chest, back, and shoulders. I've gotten some pretty good gains and my boobs are definitely smaller.

But then my period comes around and my boobs are huge of course. So im dysphoric as fuck which makes me anxious as well.

I want to be able to yeet my boobs fully from working out. I think it might be possible because im like a borderline a/b cup (probably an a now since ive been exercising). But I dont know what I'm going to do if I cant.

I need new bras now because my boobs are smaller but bra shopping makes me so dysphoric and id really just rather not.

I dont really like to bind, though you'd be hard pressed to hear me admit it. School is too long for me to be able to bind safely.

I think i might look for sports bras instead bc thats less of a yike

I dont know what to do...

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

School would be so much easier to get through if I wasn't misgendered so frequently.

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Lost [06.01.20]

I was having a lot of issues with what I'm decently sure was anxiety last semester. I didnt have any issues over winter break and I guess I thought i was,,, fine now? Like maybe everything was okay? But today was my first day back and I can say with 100% certainty that its back. At this point I just dont know what to do.

I need to see a therapist or whatever but I cant use my insurance right now because of my name change.

Ig I just feel kind of hopeless,,,

I wonder if its something to do with dysphoria or if it actually does revolve around school?

I think it might be do to people being around me in general,,,

I also had two teachers misgender me today which was awful bc ive had both of them before and they know full and well I'm trans. One of them even went as far as to say I was sitting in the girls section and counted me as one of them. Its just really awful and disgusting.

I just want to be fine...

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Rant [10.12.19]

This isn't trans related but its fine

I feel like happiness has been so fleeting recently. Like it doesnt stick around like it used to ig. Little things just dont have the impact they used to.

I have the tendency to isolate myself without realizing it, I'll pull back bit by bit until I realized I havent talked to anyone for ages and no one cares about me anymore. It's happened maybe 5 or 6 times. In the beginning it feels good, like ive gotten some space to breath and relax but once I realize its happening it doesnt stop feeling good, im just aware of it now and I hate that I like it.

Ive also been feeling really wacky in general, like I feel like its harder to breath and my chest almost hurts but its not a physical pain. I feel like I going to pass out or throw up at any moment, I mean it gets worse at times but there's always a base level there. Ive been feeling shakey and disjointed. Like im watching my life through a screen and im not an active participant.

I feel like when your watching a movie and you know something is in the next room and the character doesnt and your screaming at them to do literally anything else but you cant change whats happening.

Its also been really hard to motivate myself to do anything, school work, showering, exercising, literally anything other than reading and watching youtube.

I just want to feel normal...

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

im so dyphoric right now...

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Update [21.11.19]

I thought id update y'all on how its going, not that anyone actually cares.

My court hearing went well and I got my name legally changed. All I'm waiting for now is for my shit to come back from SSA.

My parents are doing pretty okay with calling me my chosen name and using the correct pronouns. Although they do usually get it wrong and then correct themselves.

Im kinda nervous about thanksgiving because im not out to that part of the family at all and I'll get deadnamed and misgendered so much. Im really worried I wont be strong enough to get through it and I'll end up in a dysphoria spiral.

That's next week me's problem...

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Uncertainty [14.11.19]

I have the tendency to get something in my mind and think I want it but when I slow down and look back I realize I never wanted it the first place. Im so scared that I'll look back later and not know why I wanted to start T. What if I'm not even trans, ive just convinced myself I am. What if I dont even really have dysphoria, I just made it up so well that I believe it too

I'm going back to my middle school to do a talk about the high school I go to and I know that everyone there knew [deadname] and im so worried im going to get yote ya know. I mean realistically I'm never going to see these people again so it doesnt really matter. I just dont know if everyone will be chill about me being trans. And I mean id like to not get misgendered an insane amount if possible

i just wish i was cis...

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Hair [18.10]

I buzzed my hair fir the end of the last school year. I've been growing it out for a while but im starting to womder what for. I cant have my hair long because then I won't pass. I dont really like having short hair, i think I look like a choir boy. I want to do something really specific with my hair but I'm pretty sure that with the way my hair grows it wont do what I want it to.

This would be so much easier if I was on t

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Just a rant [17.10]

This isnt related to trans shit this is just a heckn rant.

So I always sit in the same place in biology, seats aren't assigned its just a pattern we don't break from. More than half the class was gone yesterday to take the psat (me included) and the people who were there decided to all sit together. I mean fair enough sitting spread out across the room would be awful. But they decided they would confuse us by switching it up and sitting there again today.

So I have some issues around this, I sit in the same place every day, its not just like reluctence to change, like I properly feel like I'm going to throw up and my chest feels really tight?

My best friend was the one who decided switching up the seats today was a good idea, and she knows this is an issue for me.

So she and my partner were like why do you hate change so much?

So yeah I'm just feeling awful and I'm really mad

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Real Guy [23.09]

I have 860 days until I turn 18. I can't start T until I turn 18. I feel like all I'm doing is waiting. Waiting for my life to start. I feel like nothing right now matters.

I'm changing my legal name, my hearing is scheduled for 8 days from now. It's a step forward but such a small one it feels meaningless. My family still deadnames me constantly, uses the wrong pronouns...

I'm moving forward but it doesn't feel like it.

T is the only thing that can help me pass. I've done everything else I can think of. Not being able to start T until I'm 18 fucks up all of my life plans. I want to get top surgery when I turn 18 but I'll have to wait until I turn 19.

Why cant i just be cis...

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Plateau [24-07]

I felt like I was making so much progress. I found a therapist. I got a gender dysphoria diagnosis. I came out to my grandparents. My dad is coming around.

But at this point all I'm waiting for is to start T and until I do nothing really seems to matter. I need my mom to convince my dad. I tried to tell her how I feel like nothing is changing and I need that motivation. That carrot on a stick to be able to keep going. She just laughed and said welcome to adult life.

Also my grandmother no one likes (BGM from here on out) went over my head and told my parents that she "wanted to schedule a meeting with them to talk about me" and that "she has been crying like crazy since I came out to her". Shes a manipulative bitch and I cant believe I allowed myself to get caught up in her bullshit again. I havent talked to her since.

When can I start becoming me?

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Out [06-14]

(I read back over this and it's kind of confusing and pointless but I dont want to edit it too much)

I feel empty inside, like my head is full of water and I'm constantly floating, like each movement takes so much effort. My limbs feel heavy. I feel nauseated all the time.

So since i've updated last, I found this absolutly amazing gender therapist who is actually a trans guy, and I've come out to my three grandparents. They were all incredibly supportive and great about it.

Being out should feel amazing. I kept waiting to come out because my mom said I couldnt start T until I did. But now I'm out and I dont know what to do. I dont feel any closer to getting T. My father is wildly unhappy and venemently opposed to me being trans and I have to convince him to let me go on T. This is the hurdle I can't seem to get over and I dont know what to do about it.

My grandparents knowing about me being trans is so absolutly stressful and I cant figure out why. Before I could just do what I wanted and they were none the wiser but now they look at things as proof. Like "oh is that why you buzzed your hair". And I feel like I can't be myself around them because I don't want them to question if I'm serious. I don't want my every move examined and mulled over.

I feel on edge. I know I should sit down and think this through but I really don't want to because I'm worried I'll find myself in a not great place.

Why can't I just do what I want...

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Reality [05-06]

I think at some point we all have to face reality. I feel like the real world has slammed into me like a ton of bricks. I have 7 more days of actual school until I get out for summer. And I'm scared. I'm scared I'll lose my friends, that I'll come back in the fall to strangers. Seeing my supportive friends is what keeps me sane. And I'm scared for the days I'll spend wandering around the house alone in silence, never getting that release. I am incredibly scared that I won't get to see my girlfriend but every so often. That we'll end up drifting apart. I can't lose her I can't. But my parents can't drive me everyday and her parents surely can't either. I'm scared I will lose everything I've worked so hard to build. I'm scared I'll slip back into old habits. Become that person I once was, I hated that person.

This wasn't really coherent but whatever

I hate reality, but I'm starting to think reality hates me too...

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Therapy (2) [04-21]

I have been trying to find a therapist for ages and I've called 3 of them and none of them have called me back. I feel like I'm hitting one wall after another. Like my only goal right now is to get T but it seems like an unreachable goal... An unclimbable mountian. I don't know maybe I just need to grin and bear it.

I don't know if I can grin and bear it...

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Dysphoria [04-18]

[Before i get into the bulk of this I wanted to say that I'm going to start dating these posts]

I'm so fucking dysphoric right now and I honestly don't know how to deal with it...

So something usally sets the ball rolling, there's an incident or a series of things I can point to and go "ah yes this is why I'm so dysphoric right now" but I have no idea what's going on. Like I'm on vacation with my family and a family friend and yes I'm getting deadnamed constantly but for some reason I don't feel like that's it.

I'm also away from my girlfriend... this is weird but she keeps me sane, she makes me feel important, like someone cares about who I really am. When I'm with her the rest of the world ceases to exist and all my dysphoria and self doubt vanish. I want nothing more than to be with her right now but she's so far away.

I know I shouldn't give in but I want to curl up in a tiny ball in the dark and never leave the relative comfort of my bed. Everything is too bright...too loud...too strong, I feel like the smallest breeze will send me tumbling into the pits of despair

I can't do this right now... I just have to make it Wednesday but it's so far away

[musingsofaquestioningqueer]

Self-doubt

I hate my boobs

I hate my voice

I hate my jaw line

I hate my hips

I hate not having muscle

I hate not having facial hair

I hate my period

I hate people calling me she or her

I hate getting called ma'am

Yet still something inside me goes

"you aren't trans"

"You're making a mistake"

"You're just faking it"

Why can't self doubt just leave me alone