Musings Of Mania

🎭 Diagnosed BP2 🎭 🔮Just here to anonymously blog 🔮

[musingsofmania]

I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. My mental health has only been worsening to the point where I’m genuinely concerned that I might actually never recover.

I don’t quite understand the mechanism behind it, yet, but I believe chronic illness and stress triggers mental illness in those who are genetically susceptible.

I’m genetically susceptible to bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. As a result, I’ve noticed that I have been slowly showing symptoms of both. Bipolar was identified first. I never thought to consider schizophrenia, but after my first psychotic episode with hallucinations, it clicked. And now I’m formally diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. And these conditions have only worsened as I continue to struggle with my chronic illnesses.

I really feel that the lack of proper treatment and the dismissals I’ve experienced from providers in the medical field has actually left a lasting impact on my brain. Not just psychologically, but even neurologically. Neurons have been rewired, chemicals have been imbalanced, and I really think it’s due to improper treatment.

One day, I swear, one day, I’ll expose them. All of them. The entire medical community, for who they really are: a profit driven business whose entire goal is just to keep us sicker so we keep on using their drugs and paying their insurance plans.

[musingsofmania]

Why do I care so much about receiving validation from others that my invisible illnesses are real and serious?

It’s not the validation I want. It’s the right treatment.

For years I received the wrong treatment for chronic conditions and as a result developed severe mental illness and worsening pain. I was then treated as though I was exaggerating or lying about my pain. A hysteric, as they used to call them.

But despite following all the treatments, pills, and injections, my condition only worsened.

That is why I want my chronic illnesses taken seriously. Because I’m tired of letting the medical community continue to hurt me.

[musingsofmania]

She woke in the morning

She knew that her life had passed her by

And she called out a warning

"Don't ever let life pass you by"

Floating in this cosmic jaccuzi

We are like frogs oblivious

To the water starting to boil

No one flinches, we all float face down

-Warning, Incubus

[musingsofmania]

“Slatzer (1975) well described Marilyn’s mood instability, also noticed by Kirkland (2012), one of the photographer who took her pictures a few months before her death: one day she was happy, full of life, bursting with joy and enthusiasm; the day after she was sad, silent, even hostile. Slatzer noted she was unable to concentrate and used her charm vicariously; she was very sensitive and always very tense; she abused coffee and compensated with binges of alcohol and anxiolytic drugs (Slatzer, 1975). Also Banner (2012) sustained she had BD as well as Greenson himself, who, at last, reported: “It is now known as bipolar personality, but I think manic-depressive is much more descriptive. Yes, she was definitely manic-depressive. That’s just one of the many things we were up against” (Taraborrelli, 2010).”

-The Illness Trajectory in Marilyn Monroe‘s Psychological Autopsy: From Autism Spectrum Disorder to Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder with Catatonia

[musingsofmania]

"If you have attempted to fit whatever mold and failed to do so, you are probably lucky. You may be an exile of some sort, but you have sheltered your soul. There is an odd phenomenon that occurs when one keeps trying to fit and fails. Even though the outcast is driven away, she is at the same time driven right into the arms of her psychic and true kin, whether these be a course of study, an art form, or a group of people. It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires. It is never a mistake to search for what one requires. Never.

...

Even though there are negative aspects to it, the wild psyche can endure exile. It makes us yearn that much more to free our own true nature and causes us to long for a culture to match… It makes a woman go on looking, and if she cannot find a culture that encourages her, then she usually decides to construct it herself. And that is good, because if she builds it, others who have been looking for a long time will mysteriously arrive one day enthusiastically proclaiming that they have been looking for this all along."

-From Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D, p. 184

[musingsofmania]

I love that I can write whatever the fuck I want here without feeling like I’m completely crazy.

[musingsofmania]

They’re so fucking fake. Every single one of them. I could die today, and they wouldn’t even look for me.

[bpderanged]

I'm always in a crisis so now nobody takes my sui ideation seriously anymore.

[musingsofmania]

Paranoia is one of the hardest emotions to overcome in bipolar disorder.

At first, you brush it off. “Naw, I’m overthinking”

Then it’s reinforced. “I was right all along”

And the pattern repeats.

So how do you shut off the paranoia when it’s rarely wrong to begin with?

[musingsofmania]

I know what it’s like, to imagine that every word, every expression, every smile, is simply a slight. A deep contemptuous insult hidden behind innocence.

But I return. I return. I leave behind those thoughts, the ones that cut deep into the chest. Because I know, I was the only one holding the knife.

[musingsofmania]

How do you keep going when you just know it’s all falling apart?

[musingsofmania]

He tried to jostle me awake. I knew I had to get out. I wanted to. But my eyes forced themselves shut as I drifted in and out of sleep.

"It's that damn sleeping pill the doctor gave me. It was supposed to work, it wasn't supposed to leave me drowsy the next day. Yet again, I failed another sleeping drug."

He soon left without me. My guilt eventually faded away as I let the drowsiness take over. "Just a little longer"

Then, I heard the rushing water of the shower. I heard the twist of the knob before the water stopped. I heard the towel as it was removed and used, as usual.

But wait, no one was here. He had left already.

"Sounds like the neighbor is taking a shower. Why is it that I can hear it?" Then I remembered, "I don't live in an apartment anymore. I shouldn't be able to hear the neighbors taking a shower!"

Then I heard the kitchen faucet turn on. I heard the dishes clanking as they were washed and put away.

"Who is washing the dishes? That's so strange. Wait, is there a stranger in the house?! Maybe he never left?"

Painfully, I tried to pull my eyes open. And as the panic set in, that a stranger was in my home, I felt the energy return. I quickly rose out of bed, rushed into the kitchen, with only a small amount of fear, hoping he was there.

No one. He wasn't there. There was no stranger either. "Did I... Hallucinate? That's not like me. Those damn sleeping pills!"

I grabbed myself something to eat, I went back to bed, and tried to reconcile with the fact that I had an auditory hallucination, but it was okay. Maybe this will be the last one.

[musingsofmania]

The hardest part is convincing all the ones who matter that what you're experiencing is real.

That it's not just mental illness, but something real, something organic.

It's not just a matter of mere chemicals and imbalances, but a real illness that targets the brain.

[musingsofmania]

“I am so angry with myself because I cannot do what I should like to do, and at such a moment one feels as if one were lying bound hand and foot at the bottom of a deep dark well, utterly helpless.”

-Vincent van Gogh

[lowzbehigh]

I dont want to do this anymore.. I can't do this anymore.. I'm fuckin exhausted, I want it all to stop.. I need it all to stop..

[musingsofmania]

And there it is

Again

Deep

Into the abyss

Whatever strength was left

Is now gone.

[lullxbyblue]

Every time I let someone know me I regret it