Random Words From A Lost Girl

Trying this writing coping mechanism thing PTSD, Bi Polar Disorder(Manic Depressive), Anxiety and Depression make for a hell of a mix If you know me in real life, and you think I wrote something about you, you're probably right.

[sewerrrraht]

Blood drip patterns on various surfaces

[zurich-snows]

The anatomical waxes of La Specola in Florence

[camojacketfag]

Illustrations by Stephen Gammell for Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark

[musingsofthelost]

Finally going to cops about some of the shit I went through as a child and I am fucking terrified

[musingsofthelost]

[buffysummers]

do you guys ever just stop to think about how nice it is to just… be alone? like, completely alone. no texts, no calls, you’re just simply existing and doing what makes you happy in solitude. maybe you’re reading a really great book, or listening to music, or watching something/etc. you’re just…. alone with your own thoughts and no one is there to bother you. i love moments like that. everything is so quiet and peaceful.

[musingsofthelost]

I miss this some days

[musingsofthelost]

I don’t see how all suicide is selfish? I’m tired of seeing my loved ones worry about me and get all excited when I take a step forward to only end up taking two steps back. I’m sorry I’m trying so hard but I feel like the easiest thing would be to remove myself from your lives completely

[musingsofthelost]

Over 3 fucking years ago God fucking damn

[musingsofthelost]

Getting closer to a decade now and I don’t have these thoughts but maybe 2-3 times a year but I still feel this way

[musingsofthelost]

“You don’t have to do that you know”

I don’t know that, when I was a child the only way I could guarantee being in my father’s favor was cleaning up his messes and mistakes. So far it went my father started making messes in reckless abandon and purposely because he always knew I would be there.

I will always be on constant surveillance for issues, messes, and the like. How do I stop doing that when it has always guaranteed the tiniest amount of safety from the wrath? How can I stop when that’s all I know is the be there physically and mentally for the messes of life.

How can I stop taking care of your messes to take care of my own?

How can I be my own person when all I’ve ever been is someone else’s tool?

[musingsofthelost]

All I want is to feel loved by fucking someone

[musingsofthelost]

I’m in a god damn hospital and no one cares like staff wise

[musingsofthelost]

I am such a god damn fuck up and this is gonna cost us so much money we don’t fucking have why can’t I just fucking die

[naaaaaaaaaah-deactivated2020112]

(touch for better quality)

[ceaselesswatching]

wlw relationships are not automatically pure and soft. wlw relationships can be just as toxic as straight or gay relationships can be. please do not accept toxic behaviour just because you’re in a relationship with a girl.

i know it can seem hard. i know that it can be scary because there aren’t as many wlw as there are straight girls- but you deserve to be treated well. the right girl will come along one day- do not settle for less.

[of-spaceandstars]

“Let me pull myself out of these waters. But they heap themselves on me; they sweep me between their great shoulders; I am turned; I am tumbled; I am stretched, among these long lights, these long waves, these endless paths, with people pursuing, pursuing.”

— virginia woolf, ‘the waves’ (via wishbzne)

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

Mahmoud Darwish, from Almond Blossoms and Beyond; “I Sit At Home,”

[inkskinned]

i said yes to him, maybe more than i should have. yes was easier than arguing about it. this was a quiet sorrow. our relationship wasn’t that bad. but i would close my eyes and leave my body and say to my bones: turn over. you don’t need to like it, you just need to do it.

i think about this a lot. where i learned it from. i have the same mantra at the gym. i have the same mantra over salad. i have the same mantra at 3 AM while doing homework: it doesn’t have to feel good, but it does have to happen. 

where did i learn it from, that life is a thing to be endured and not celebrated. that each moment is either a bad space or bracing for the next wound. to hop from catcall to grope to spiked drink without batting an eye - this is just something to live through, turn over. to minimize my space in trains, to maximize his needs, his desires, all without complaining. to say yes when it is unearned.

my keychain has a whistle on it. this is not uncommon. most of us have been prepared for The Emergency since we were old enough to be told what to wear. did i think that the emergency had to look and act a certain way for it to actually be an emergency. did i think that, under the threat of something worse, the silver of this violence was something smoother. this isn’t The Emergency. this is the yes, and i did say yes.

worse things happened to me. they deserved a loud whistle and a bright red light. this is not worse. i don’t have to like it, because what i do like, i will be mocked for. i just have to deal with it, and i must do so prettily, without pouting, without complaint. how do i phrase this to my therapist. at the time it was just easier. at the time it was just how things worked between us. i have been a good girl all my life. i have always been quiet and thoughtful and ready to drop my own needs at a moment’s notice. this was just another version of being good. i was keeping us together. i was helping out. i was just doing what was expected of me, and i can’t regret that now.

but what do i get? at the end of all this, what happens to me? why does asking that feel selfish and nasty?

[musingsofthelost]

I love seeing it drip