quiet

there's this never-ending agony that I can't put into words... but these songs always could

[my-pain-playlist]

It's been a long, hard 20 year summer vacation/20 years tryn'a fill the void. I don't wanna fall in love 'cause who could love me back on purpose? My heart can't possibly break when it was never even whole to start with! Mom, I'll be quiet.. it would be just to sleep at night. I will.. I will die your daughter.

I don't know how I'm gonna pay rent/I wanna see the whole world. Would you kill me, Jerusalem? I always knew I was a martyr and that Jesus was one too. But I was built from special pieces that I learned how to unscrew/and I can always reassemble to fit perfectly for you. Or anybody that decides that I'm of use. Nature will run its course, I'm left to pawn you off. I will die your daughter. I will, I will die your daughter. I will die your daughter.

So where do I go when I'm just an apparatus? I'm reduced to just a body in someone else's bed. I will retire to the Salton Sea at the age of 23. For I'm starting to learn I may never be free. But Jesus, you've got better lips than Judas/I could keep your bed warm, otherwise I'm useless. I don't really mean it 'cause who the fuck would choose this?

So don't wait for me, don't wait for me, wait for me. It's not a happy ending. All of this is temporary.

I know my room is mess. Over and over again, I tell myself I'll clean it up tomorrow. Just move the stuff up off the bed & do what you came here to do. I wanna wipe out all the sad ideas that come to me when I am holding you. You're an angel, I'm a dog. Or you're a dog and I'm your man. You believe me like a God/I destroy you like I am. I'm no sweet dream, but I'm a hell of a night. No, I won't smile but I'll show you my teeth. And I'ma let you speak if you just let me breathe. The now, the then, the thinking of when/The siren in the water/the strike, the pause, the message from God. Does that make me His daughter?

I think my fate is losing its patience/I think the ground is pulling me down. I think my life is losing momentum, I think my ways are weighing me down. But if I gave up on being pretty, I wouldn't know how to be alive. The wasted years, the wasted youth/the pretty lies, the ugly truth. The day has come where I have died/only to find I've come alive. I wanna be a virgin pure, a 21st century whore. I want back my virginity so I can feel infinity. I wanna drink until I ache, I wanna make a big mistake. I want blood, guts, and angel cake. I'm gonna puke it anyway. I want my cake on a silver platter/I want a fistful in my hands. I want a beautiful boy's despondent laughter/I wanna ruin all my plans. I want a fist around my throat, I wanna cry so hard I choke.

So yeah, I blast music loud and I work myself to the bone. And on an inconvenient Christmas, I eat a cake. A whole cake! All for me!

I watched you die, I heard you cry every night in your sleep. I was so young/you should have known better than to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain. And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same, damned, thing! How I ride through a tunnel, and it's dark the whole way. I ride through a tunnel/it's been dark the whole way. I ride through a tunnel, it's still dark the whole way. And I am relieved that I left my room tidy, they'll think of me kindly when they come for my things. They'll never know how I stared at the dark in that room/with no thoughts/like a blood-sniffing shark. And while my dreams made music in the night/carefully, I was going to live. I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable. I am not a robot.

There's some kind of burning inside me/it's kept me from falling apart. And I'm sure you've seen what it's done to my heart, but it's kept me from falling apart. I can't breathe, and I can't smile. This better be worth my while. I feel numb most of the time/the lower I get, the higher I'll climb, and I will wonder why/I got dark only to/ shine. Looking for the golden light... Oh, it's a reasonable sacrifice! Burn, burn, burn bright!

/Forego families, forego friends -- how it started, how it ends. I can't open up and cry/'cause I've been silent all my life. The bottle in the ocean. The strike, the pause, the message from God/Forbid she shows emotion. Now I lay as I study a blank wall, would you spare me your voice if I call?

And I wake up tired, think I'm better off dead... talk to my mom, fake smiles over FaceTime... I'm all grown up, but somehow lately I'm acting like a fucking baby. I'm really not as happy as I seem. I like when it's dark out, October will cure me. I'm walking these woods/am I 30 or 13? Not asking for much, man, thought maybe you'd call me. I'd slit my own throat just to see if you'd mourn me! Wild women don't get the blues, but lately I find I've been crying like a tall child... and I was so young when I behaved 25. Yet now, I find I've grown into a tall child. And I don't want to go home. Let me walk to the top of the big night sky. Please, hurry, leave me. I can't breathe!

I'm not the girl I ought to be, but Maybe when you tell your friends/you can tell them what you saw in me/and not how I turned out to be. And nobody hears me scream/I will lure you like a landslide and I'll show you lovely things. I wish I wasn't such a narcissist/I wish I didn't really kiss the mirror when I'm on my own. Oh God, I'm gonna die alone!

I'd better ace that interview, I should tell them that I'm not afraid to die. I'd better ace that interview, I work better under a deadline. I pick an age when I'm gonna disappear... until then, I can try again. Until then, I can try again. Life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it. Life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it. Kill me Jerusalem. Kill me, Jerusalem. Kill me, Jerusalem!

I will die your daughter. I will, I will die your daughter. Quit fucking around, no time to kill. I'll stick around if you will. If you're a hater, then hate the creator. It's in your image, I'm made... I'll hang myself if you give me rope/I lost all faith and lost all hope/that everything means anything at all... I gave myself away for you, you liar, you don't love me too. It's easy for you after all/my heart is massive but it's empty, a permanent part of me, that innocent artery. Gasping for some real attention; some undivided hypertension! Tell it, "quiet down you're being loud", but it beats harder when you're around. But do you love the sound?

Because of you, I try my hardest just to forget everything. Because of you, I don't know how to let anyone else in! Because of you, I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty! Because of you, I am afraid. Because of you...

Every time I open my mouth, I think, "Wow, what a loud noise," still on the soapbox just hoping I seem underwhelmed. Sabotage the things I love the most/camouflage so I can feed the lie that I'm composed. I've got a monster inside me that eats personality types, she's constantly changing her mind on the daily/think that she hates me (I'm feeling it lately). Might have to trick her and treat her to 70 capsules. Or fly to a castle -- at least we can say that we died being traveled, cultured and flattered, and then I could trap her/but what does it matter? I've been a mother to everyone else. To every motherfucker except myself.

I watch a dream/breaking me away from my cliff/I am looking down from. Can you teach me how to feel real? Can you turn my power off? I always wanted to die clean and pretty, but I'd be too busy on working days. So, I am relieved that the turbulence wasn't forecasted. I couldn't have changed, anyways.

I am relieved that I'd left my room tidy.

Goodbye

07.05.2026

[hornestoothgap]

T. Kingfisher - What Stalks the Deep

[devotedriven-deactivated2025112]

I think we should skip the flirting and go straight to psychological codependence.

[my-pain-playlist]

[callizinc]

Oh my god i need to change my life NOW i need to be something else i CAN'T keep living like this (Does nothing) (Does nothing) (Sits there) (Does nothing) (Doesn't move) (Does nothing) (Does nothing) (Does nothing) (Does nothing)

[my-pain-playlist]

no one ever talks about the physical changes that linger with you for the rest of your life after experiencing sexual violence. no one talks about it. makes me question how much longer I want to live with it. and men feel comfortable talking about women being "loose" or whatever the fuck. women's bodies would be fine if men would start treating them with some fucking respect. I will kill you

[dasiesanddarkness]

the way Noah Kahan sings “Time moves so damn slow I swear i feel my organs failing” is so relatable and cathartic im obsessed with it

[heavensghost]

Forgive me, I am soft and warm, but cruel and a coward, I know nothing but goodbye

[berrytart]

ok we just laughed until our ribs got tired. Now what

[berrytart]

fuck!!!!!!!!!!

[jeniffercheck]

hey sorry i said those weird and pathetic things. do you still think i’m mysterious and alluring

[my-pain-playlist]

In conversations with my father, he has tried to convince me that there is some reason based in survival for women to be smaller and weaker than men. And in my ponderings tonight, I realized I don't think that's true. I think it is a result of sexuality rather than a result of survival. Smaller, weaker women are easier to impregnate. They have more offspring whom inherit their genes which encourage smaller females than males. Due to the sexual nature of human males, I think this makes more sense than trying to come up with some kind of survival explanation. Men rape and pillage. That's probably why our stupid fucking species got to this point. We're conquerors by nature. Humans suck.

[my-pain-playlist]

I was pondering too hard and realized that I think men are hardwired to exploit and abuse women. I think if the human race had to start at zero.. men would rape and abuse the limited women potentially to death. Some MIGHT step in to protect her but would expect her loyalty and sacrifice in return. That's what men's "protection" means. If she was able to choose a man to begin with, one who maybe felt safer than others, she would likely have to bargain with him. She'd ask for his protection and in return he could use her body without objection. She would bear his offspring and perhaps provide menial labour as well. She would essentially become his slave. She would have no choice. He would then, assuming he was true to his end of the bargain, stop other men from using her. He may become greedy as more men fight or plead for the opportunity to rape her. They would make offerings to the man. If he loved her or was good and steadfast, he would be difficult to persuade. But those qualities are rare so he would likely sell her to them. Her offer would become less and less valuable to him as he would gain more from the men in return for betraying her. And then it would never end. And her children would face the same fate -- either as the men or as the woman. Forever and ever. Amen.

[my-pain-playlist]

The female body is more valuable than literally anything else.

[primulaceas]

Marge Piercy, “Intimacy.” The Moon Is Always Female

[anxeious]

playing hard to want

[my-pain-playlist]

"It's second nature to love you -- it's first to die"

[my-pain-playlist]

It was second nature to love everyone. Always has been. But people don't like that and don't care. People shoot cats with bb guns. I was never going to survive this world.

[my-pain-playlist]

"It's second nature to love you -- it's first to die"