dealing with my alcoholic parent

sort of my diary and thoughts about alcoholism so i can try to deal and make sense of everything

[myalcoholicparent]

he’s gone.

[inkskinned]

it’s father’s day. the man’s man day. we will sit and grill and get father ties or shaving cream because we’ve never made a true emotional connection with him and he doesn’t know how to ask for things that show actual vulnerability. we will pretend that our father did not “be the bad guy” one or twice (we deserved it, we say, holding up our hands, showing no-harm-done, i’m glad it happened, do you see what kids who don’t get spanked are like?) and our mothers will wait on our fathers hand-and-foot while he watches tv, which is different than any other day because it comes with a card our mothers bought (at mother’s day, he did not, by the way, buy hers). we will make a fire or we will go see that movie or we will all watch him sip beers. we will pretend we are a jovial family who gets along, and it will feel thin, like a fingernail that is about to break. we will say, “oh, let’s let him decide” about things, even though he usually is the one who decides things. 

and today is a day where the dads who-are-good dads and the dads who are good-enough-i-guess dads and the dads who are around-at-least dads and the dads who are i’d-rather-he-was-dead dads will all bump elbows and get mugs that say “#1 dad” on them and we will tell them all they are good, good dads. we will talk about good, good dads and how good, good our dads are, even though we know they might not be, but at least anywhere he hurt you isn’t a place that really scars. and the good dads deserve it. they deserve a day to say; okay, i wasn’t perfect, sometimes i messed up, but i was a good dad. but they all think they are good dads and in all probability they will die thinking they were good dads, against the evidence, against the nights some of us will be nursing a vodka and saying i mean but if he never seriously hit us. and the mediocre dads won’t know they’re mediocre because they’re at least better than the bad dads, and the bad dads won’t know they’re bad because they’re at least better than absent dads, and the justifications we will find for our fathers and our fathers will find for themselves will loop back around and we’ll say. all things considered, he was my father, and i might cry every time a father is nice on tv, but he was just a person, wasn’t he?

and tomorrow he’ll go back to not really talking during dinner and we’ll go back to calling anybody else before we call him and it will feel less forced in the family again. but today is father’s day. we hand him a fishing kit.

“happy father’s day” we say. and, terribly, because that’s how love works, we mean it.

[forsleepless-nights]

“I’m not sure what’s worse. The fact that I expected this, or that I’m so used to it happening that it doesn’t even bother me anymore.”

—

[microwavebaby]

Frustration #402 about having an alcoholic parent: having the same conversation multiple times

[forthechildrenofalcoholics]

I think that children of non-physically abusive alcoholics often have their emotions/fears invalidated or dismissed because they are not suffering physical harm. (A couple times when I had told friends with non alcoholic parents that I had cried all night, they assumed there was physical harm and were confused I was so upset even when there was none) But I know at least in my case, that even though in 20+ years my father has never hit me, he’s an angry drunk and the threat of it exists. Even if he never makes a move to hit anyone, he trashes things, or yells, and you’re afraid.

——

Reminder that you are welcome to message me for advice or to get things off your chest. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to get through having an alcoholic parent alone.

[forthechildrenofalcoholics]

One of the things that makes me really upset is when people think that a solution to the alcohol problem in society is to raise the price of it. I had a conversation with a woman today, who shook her head over a clearly alcoholic/drunk man after he got off the bus.

Her: “If they raised the price of beer by about 15 dollars, he wouldn’t be drunk.”

Me: “He might be hungry, but he’d still be drunk.”

Her: “Oh no, no. He said he had a child.”

Me: “Okay, so the child might be hungry. He’d still be drunk.”

Her: “Don’t be ridiculous. He wouldn’t pick beer over food if he has a family.”

Me: “…You don’t know any alcoholics, do you?”

The woman refused to believe me when I told her that raising the price of alcohol would hurt the people who were dependant on alcoholics more than anything.

I can remeber going without a few things when I was younger and we had less money. Luckily for me it was never food or shelter, but you know, my father never went without alcohol.

[noonesaidlifewasfair]

“Living with Dad was like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One day he was a madman with his hair standing on end and his nostrils flaring threatening to kill me; the next day he had no memory of what transpired the night before, and we carried on like nothing happened.”

—

Mary Kate DeCraene author of “No One Said Life Was Fair” a poignant and humorous memoir about growing up in an alcoholic family.

Available in paperback and Kindle on www.amazon.com

[sara-michelexoxo-blog]

dear dad

i wish things were different.

i wish you didnt NEED alcohol to live.

you are slowly killing yourself.

you cant go a day without your vodka and diet sprite.

i feel like you are getting sicker.

i didnt understand then but i do understand now why my mom divorced you.

i dont even know my father. my father is alcohol.

all the random phone calls, the deep conversations that you wont remember.

i just dont know whats going to happen.

one day its gonna be all over and youre gonna be gone.

i love you with all my heart and more, but i dont love that you love alcohol more than me.

the end.

[catartify]

“Addiction is not a weakness, addiction is a disease. Watching her as I grew up with sunken in eyes, muttering to herself was something I did not ask for but I loved her anyway. Don’t let somebody else’s disease destroy you. Do not expect them to change. Do not expect them to change. Do not put your sanity into their sobriety. Support them. Do not expect them to change because they are your mother, father, because they love you. When they call you at 4 a.m. slurring their words sobbing, tell them you love them. Then remember to love yourself too, hang up. Go back to bed. I know it hurts. Even if she screams at you as she collapses on the floor, know deep down somewhere she loves you. Right now she can’t walk straight let alone get her shit together. Hold her. The person standing before you is not the person you know. It is the addict within them — this took me 15 years to understand. Addicts are dishonest, sneaky, narcissistic, and thieves. My mother is intelligent, strong willed, determined and adventurous. Learn to know the difference. There will be ups and downs. Cherish the ups. No matter how short. Try to let the past go, so you can have time to make better memories, trust me. Anger is going to consume you. I want you to bite your tongue. When they reach recovery and sobriety, don’t talk down to them about how they fucked up. They are well aware and they are not proud. Do not increase the self hatred they already feel. If it gets to be too much in one night? Leave. I understand all too well. For the love of God, do not play with fire. Don’t you dare inject toxic into your veins like they did. As you get older it’ll make more sense than it does right now. Your nightmares will ease and you will learn to trust again. When they get in deep, you’ll drive to their house to make sure they are still there, still conscious. You’ll call constantly desperate to hear their voice. In my opinion this is the worst form of anxiety. You’re going to make it. Breathe. Addiction can sink so deep into you, that it has the ability to kill you. Do not be afraid to call 911 when they’re passed out, wheezing. When they’re covered in their own vomit, hyperventilating. They will be angry. But they will also be alive. Do yourself a favor and remind those around you who also deal with her cruel words, that this isn’t their fault. She’s not herself. Be realistic. Hope is excellent until you drown yourself in it. A personal message from the daughter of two addicts to you — it will be okay. You don’t have to be like them, you are not them. This is an infinite battle but you will heal. I did.”

— what I’ve learned through loving an addict  (via healingx)

[traumasuggestion]

you hurt me so bad that while you were out doing drugs instead of here at home with your family, I wished you would crash and die. you hurt me so bad I wished DEATH upon you. although I regret it, you must’ve fucked up pretty bad for your own daughter to wish something like that.

[myalcoholicparent]

and now we pretend like nothing happened

[myalcoholicparent]

abuse?

he has never hit me. he has hit my mom. he yells and curses at her. my brother and him have gotten physical although it was my brother that started it.

he makes me feel so guilty about money. he always reminds me that it’s his. he wanted me to quit dance (i’m majoring in it now).

he wanted me to go without. but he would never go without his alcohol.

i don’t know if it counts as abuse. i am always scared that he will die. i’m not scared that he will hit me.

i’m sometimes scared he will kill him self.

i wish it would count as abuse because it feels so horrible that at least i would have an excuse for feeling so sad and scared. if not maybe it just means i complain too much

[myalcoholicparent]

08/04/2018

he came back from the hospital today. something is wrong with his liver. the hospital knows that he is an alcoholic but they don’t do anything to stop it.

he threw up all over the living room. i was scared to shut my door to go to sleep because i could hear him choking.

even now i don’t know if he is ok. it is 1:15am.

i leave for college in 10 days.

i’m glad to leave him but sad my mom and my brother have to stay with him

how can we leave him alone? it will kill him.

i love him and i hate him.

[myalcoholicparent]

a disease or a choice?

alcoholism is described as a disease, but it begins as a choice.

i understand that at this point my dad has no choice, he literally physically needs alcohol to survive.

but it wasn’t always like that. it started with a choice. he made the choice to keep picking up the bottle and at some points he made the decision to drink instead of being there for his family.

so is it still a disease at this point if it started with a choice? people don’t choose to get cancer. you can’t prevent that. he could have prevented being an alcoholic.

but could he prevent it if he didn’t know it would spiral into this. was there any point that he knew he was becoming an alcoholic? does he know now?