I let someone in.
She is married. Already a recipe for disaster.
She made me feel heard , she made me feel abit safe.
Im a bad person for entertaining it
But she made me feel so good.
And now all i feel is triggered, triggered from being abandoned.
Shes married of course it was never going to be.
But i am triggered because i have been blocked just like my ex did.
And now i have to see her at work, pine for what could’ve been.
Nothing, thats what. A trauma bond, however the butterflies felt so real. The constant dopamine and feeling good, a feeling i forgot existed.
Short lived, feeling amazing, god i miss that. Now i just feel lonely, unlovable, confused, sad and stupid.
It affected me so much because its the tip of the ice burg, what ive been trying to stay a float for so long, and im sinking properly now. Why am i so silly, why am i so vulnerable, desperate to be loved and wanted.
I have so much, so much more than i did have, i have a home, i have safety.
But i still dont have what i wanted from a child, security of being loved. Im so frightened by it. Im so complicated.
I let someone in and look what happens.
My eyes are sore for someone who was nothing but a crush.
A friendship lost.
Sore eyes yet again.
